Survival Mode.
I am in it, again.
The past two months have been hard. I am close to burnout.
It’s a fine line, medicated or not. Am I thankful for my meds? 1000%
My antidepressants and the HRT are keeping me alert, and stable. I’m pretty sure it has kept me aware of where I am on a mental health level.
Therapy is another key. Being able to check in with someone who is objective and will help me work through the jumbles in my brain has been worth everything.
Home is the safe space. Even when things are chaotic there, I know I can unload, unwind, and be a lump on the couch if I need to. I have a supportive family.
It’s hard to gauge some days if I am at my breaking point. Is it a day where I cry in my office? When I come home and cry?
I tell myself I will know when I need to throw in the towel…but will I? Will I be able to admit to myself that it’s time?
One thing I have learned over the years, especially those AFTER my depression, is that I need to come first. That gets lost sometimes, because you get into a routine and things get comfortable. It’s hard for a reforming people pleaser to stop trying to take care of others first and make sure you are putting yourself at the helm.
Unfortunately it took me longer than I wanted to be aware of the state I am in. It took my therapist saying the words “survival mode” to snap me back into reality.
So now I am taking steps to get myself back.
Making sure I get enough rest is paramount. Sleep is important.
Then it’s making sure I eat properly.
I need to start moving again to make sure my body is also taken care of. I have downloaded the AllTrails app and will start exploring.
Some side notes: HRT is still working well for me. I am having issues with the ulnar nerve in my left elbow – which has been going on for a while, but at first I thought it may have been a B12 deficiency. Not the case. I have a doctor’s appointment this week coming up.
I’m off to have a nap now.
Take care of yourselves, and I’ll be back within the next couple of weeks!
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