The Midlife Reframe

Tag: therapy

  • And then…..

    Here I am, hoping that I am on the path to burnout recovery.

    I’m getting some energy back, and I don’t want to hide from everyone all the time (only about 85% of the time, lol).

    I’m still on hormone replacement therapy…pills and gel because the patch is not available and always on back order. I am certain that this has been holding me together.

    I have fully embraced my “fuck it” era. I say what needs to said now.

    Therapy helps, a lot.

    I’m also planning for an event for next fall, and this is sparking up my creative brain. I am a planner, so diving into something has been refreshing.

    Vacation is coming up soon. I see beach time in my future and I’ve booked an overnight in a glamping dome.

    I’m using those two weeks to recharge and recover.

    A lot of things are changing, and most of them are for the good.

    This is a short and sweet check in.

    I’m currently on my balcony relaxing, and I hope you are finding the time to unwind and breathe.

    Until next time!

  • Recovery?? Or Attempting Recovery??

    So.

    I had therapy Thursday.

    I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.

    I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.

    I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.

    Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.

    Pure survival mode.

    Burnt the fuck out.

    After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.

    In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.

    We are far from a perfect world.

    My evenings and weekends are low key.

    I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.

    Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.

    It’s one day at a time.

    Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).

    Let’s see how June treats me.

  • Checking In

    I feel like I need to keep writing. To get everything out so I’m not compartmentalizing.

    I’m fucking exhausted, of everything.

    Had a big ugly cry last night, which has resulted in a headache this morning.

    Facing things head on is not easy, and it’s hard. NOT A FAN, but it needs to be done. Therapy helps for sure. I’m absolutely more vulnerable after therapy, it’s like the ball rolling into 10 pins.

    Reality sucks.

    I’m thankful for many things. Having the supports in place outside of work is paramount.

    Having a small circle of people I can trust at work has made it bearable.

    My support human is now making sure I start getting outside and seeing other adult humans, because I’ve been in hermit mode. Great for depression and mental health crisis…NOT good for mental health recovery.

    I’m going to keep writing, and it may be rough going. I need to do this. But I’m going to share the good stuff too!

    So if you can bear with me while I work my way through this maze…we can come out on the other side, together 🤍

  • On The Struggle Bus…Again

    Survival Mode.

    I am in it, again.

    The past two months have been hard. I am close to burnout.

    It’s a fine line, medicated or not. Am I thankful for my meds? 1000%

    My antidepressants and the HRT are keeping me alert, and stable. I’m pretty sure it has kept me aware of where I am on a mental health level.

    Therapy is another key. Being able to check in with someone who is objective and will help me work through the jumbles in my brain has been worth everything.

    Home is the safe space. Even when things are chaotic there, I know I can unload, unwind, and be a lump on the couch if I need to. I have a supportive family.

    It’s hard to gauge some days if I am at my breaking point. Is it a day where I cry in my office? When I come home and cry?

    I tell myself I will know when I need to throw in the towel…but will I? Will I be able to admit to myself that it’s time?

    One thing I have learned over the years, especially those AFTER my depression, is that I need to come first. That gets lost sometimes, because you get into a routine and things get comfortable. It’s hard for a reforming people pleaser to stop trying to take care of others first and make sure you are putting yourself at the helm.

    Unfortunately it took me longer than I wanted to be aware of the state I am in. It took my therapist saying the words “survival mode” to snap me back into reality.

    So now I am taking steps to get myself back.

    Making sure I get enough rest is paramount. Sleep is important.

    Then it’s making sure I eat properly.

    I need to start moving again to make sure my body is also taken care of. I have downloaded the AllTrails app and will start exploring.

    Some side notes: HRT is still working well for me. I am having issues with the ulnar nerve in my left elbow – which has been going on for a while, but at first I thought it may have been a B12 deficiency. Not the case. I have a doctor’s appointment this week coming up.

    I’m off to have a nap now.

    Take care of yourselves, and I’ll be back within the next couple of weeks!

  • Bye Bye AntiPsychotic

    It’s been almost a week of me weaning off my antipsychotic.

    This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. There were various discussions with my team.

    Having therapy every two weeks has made a big difference in my anxiety levels, and I am chewing the skin around my fingernails less.

    Being fortunate enough to have therapy as often as I do was one of the biggest factors in this decision.

    Learning new coping skills has been a great help.

    I’m still bouncing my leg, but I think that may also be a habit now more than anything. My leg bouncers will get it. It’s almost comforting at times.

    I have one more week of weaning and then I am off completely.

    Am I worried?

    A little.

    But I know I have the supports in place, and if necessary I can go back on the lower dose.

    So, let’s hope I make out okay on this little journey.

    Stay tuned for an update after I am fully done!

  • Growth

    I’ve been on a journey.

    Through therapy I have found that I am growing and learning.

    With my new relationship I am in a safe space, and it has allowed me to open up and not be afraid of expressing myself.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, because I still have them.

    I’m getting better at explaining how I feel on those days, and I am coping better.

    I’ve started reading again, and I am opening up myself to learning new things, both at work and home.

    Am I scared? Yep.

    Scared of feeling okay, scared of things going south, and scared of getting hurt. But that’s okay. It’s normal to be feeling these things.

    I’m no longer shoving those feelings down to “deal with later”. I’m learning to be uncomfortable to get to being comfortable.

    It’s a day by day thing, and it’s not going to be easy.

    But I’m ready.

  • What I am Learning in Therapy

    I am stuck in a circle of flight and freeze.

    My exhaustion is valid. My energy is being spent in this circle. I need to readjust my nervous system.

    I have a lot of trauma to work through, and some vicarious trauma to take care of as well.

    It’s going to be a journey, and I know it’s not going to be easy.

    Am I hesitant? Fuck yes. Facing things I have been compartmentalizing is not going to be fun. I have a lot of boxes to unpack. Le sigh.

    I am super thankful for a great therapist who lets me unload and helps me navigate my feelings.

    I have a lot of feelings, lol.

    I didn’t realize how much I was keeping in boxes until I started spewing everything out.

    No wonder I am so tired.

    I gave myself permission over the holidays to spend time doing absolutely nothing. I have spent some time in bed watching Netflix, and watched the whole Harry Potter series in PJs. Also, Toblerone for breakfast – *chef’s kiss*

    I am going to share as much as I can, at least what I am comfortable sharing.

    Be patient with me, cause it’s gonna be intense at times.

    Roller coaster, here I come!

  • I’m Going to Therapy

    Yes, therapy.

    Some of you probably thought I may have already been going.

    Nope.

    I have been so concerned with the others in my life who need help, I have been neglecting someone important. Me.

    I finally bit the bullet and contacted a therapist this week. I have my first appointment next week, and I’m hoping we connect so I can start and end this journey with one human.

    I have been using other methods, and have gotten some help via chat when my daughter was struggling with suicidal thoughts, but have not taken the time to make sure I am getting the help I need.

    I am glad I have taken this step, and I am also nervous. Nervous because I know I will have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and face some stuff I have compartmentalized over the years.

    There is a part of me that wants to back out, I won’t lie. Facing things I have stuffed way deep down is scary.

    I just keep telling myself that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to release some of the demons that have been weighing me down. Maybe I can learn to be more graceful with myself.

    Maybe I will become more confident in my own skin.

    So many benefits of adding this to my toolbox.

    It’s about time.

    Let’s do this.