The Midlife Reframe

Category: overwhelmed

  • Am I Still Stressed? I think I’m Still Stressed

    Fidget Ball

    There was this little span of time.

    Just a little one.

    I thought that I was in “recovery”.

    Dear Friends,

    I was not in recovery. It was a facade I had willingly accepted because I needed to be okay. I needed to NOT be in burnout. The fatigue is still there. My motivation, gone. I want to sleep…ALL THE TIME. It takes everything in me to get up and get going. I just DON’T WANT TO.

    I have been here before.

    I would rather not be here.

    I tend to hermit in these conditions. Isolation is my solace.

    I don’t have the energy most days to connect. I want to come home after work and sleep.

    This isn’t good for anyone.

    I honestly do not know where to start. How do I turn this around? Can I turn this around?

    Can I survive this, again?

    I ponder this every morning. Can I conjure up a plan that will work?

    I’m surrounded by people I love at home. They help me as much as they can. But there are things that only I can do.

    So I need to start writing things out. Feelings, thoughts, ideas.

    Maybe then I can navigate this world I am in.

    This post is not exactly uplifting, but I’ve always been real about where I am when I write.

    So until I dig out, it’s not going to be good times. There may be a glimmer of good every now and then, so if you can be patient as I navigate these bends in the road, I would like to share those glimmers as well.

    Take care of yourselves. Don’t get too encompassed by the news. Disconnect every now and then.

    I’m off to bed, hopefully get a good sleep, and start again tomorrow.

  • Another Week

    This week was a bit of an up and down event.

    I’m finding that I am getting my energy back, and I’m able to handle my days better.

    Keeping my boundaries at work is making a difference.

    Taking care of myself, and getting the rest I need is also helping.

    It’s Mother’s Day, and sunny. I have always known how the weather affects my mood, and I am thankful that after the grey and rainy day yesterday I am able to enjoy a boost in mood.

    Also, summer vacation will be something to look forward to. Will need to plan that out soon, so I can get it in my work calendar and have a much needed break with my peeps!

    I hope that this increase in energy is the turning point in my burnout.

    I’m beginning to take other steps to safeguard my mental health, and moving forward is a big step.

    Increasing my learning, planning hikes, and giving myself permission to put myself first are some of the first steps once I am back at 100%.

    Let’s see how this week goes!

  • Checking In

    I feel like I need to keep writing. To get everything out so I’m not compartmentalizing.

    I’m fucking exhausted, of everything.

    Had a big ugly cry last night, which has resulted in a headache this morning.

    Facing things head on is not easy, and it’s hard. NOT A FAN, but it needs to be done. Therapy helps for sure. I’m absolutely more vulnerable after therapy, it’s like the ball rolling into 10 pins.

    Reality sucks.

    I’m thankful for many things. Having the supports in place outside of work is paramount.

    Having a small circle of people I can trust at work has made it bearable.

    My support human is now making sure I start getting outside and seeing other adult humans, because I’ve been in hermit mode. Great for depression and mental health crisis…NOT good for mental health recovery.

    I’m going to keep writing, and it may be rough going. I need to do this. But I’m going to share the good stuff too!

    So if you can bear with me while I work my way through this maze…we can come out on the other side, together 🤍

  • On The Struggle Bus…Again

    Survival Mode.

    I am in it, again.

    The past two months have been hard. I am close to burnout.

    It’s a fine line, medicated or not. Am I thankful for my meds? 1000%

    My antidepressants and the HRT are keeping me alert, and stable. I’m pretty sure it has kept me aware of where I am on a mental health level.

    Therapy is another key. Being able to check in with someone who is objective and will help me work through the jumbles in my brain has been worth everything.

    Home is the safe space. Even when things are chaotic there, I know I can unload, unwind, and be a lump on the couch if I need to. I have a supportive family.

    It’s hard to gauge some days if I am at my breaking point. Is it a day where I cry in my office? When I come home and cry?

    I tell myself I will know when I need to throw in the towel…but will I? Will I be able to admit to myself that it’s time?

    One thing I have learned over the years, especially those AFTER my depression, is that I need to come first. That gets lost sometimes, because you get into a routine and things get comfortable. It’s hard for a reforming people pleaser to stop trying to take care of others first and make sure you are putting yourself at the helm.

    Unfortunately it took me longer than I wanted to be aware of the state I am in. It took my therapist saying the words “survival mode” to snap me back into reality.

    So now I am taking steps to get myself back.

    Making sure I get enough rest is paramount. Sleep is important.

    Then it’s making sure I eat properly.

    I need to start moving again to make sure my body is also taken care of. I have downloaded the AllTrails app and will start exploring.

    Some side notes: HRT is still working well for me. I am having issues with the ulnar nerve in my left elbow – which has been going on for a while, but at first I thought it may have been a B12 deficiency. Not the case. I have a doctor’s appointment this week coming up.

    I’m off to have a nap now.

    Take care of yourselves, and I’ll be back within the next couple of weeks!

  • A New Journey

    Well.

    I have been struggling with perimenopause for quite some time, along with my other latest and greatest health issues.

    During one of my visits to the doctor, she had suggested HRT as another option for me. “It’s not what it was, there are safe options”.

    I’ve also been doing a lot of reading, especially Dr. Jen Gunter’s book (The Menopause Manifesto).

    I try to make decisions armed with as much information as possible, and ask questions.

    So, this week I went back to the doctor. My symptoms have progressively been getting worse, and I was not able to manage them effectively.

    We had a well informed discussion. She laid out the options, pros and cons of each, and made her recommendation.

    The advantages to early treatment were what sold me: alleviating my menopausal symptoms, improving vaginal health, bone health protection, potential cognitive benefits, mood stabilization, and improved sleep quality.

    Duration?? I can be on it for 10 years.

    I put my first Estalis patch on this morning. (also, thank you insurance).

    The package comes with a removable “here’s when to take your patch” checklist. So my days are Saturday and Tuesday.

    The patch is a small, clear circle, and needs to go on my abdomen or buttocks. I have opted for my abdomen.

    I have been told that I should expect to see changes within 2 weeks to a month.

    I’m opting to document this, as I am all about sharing, lol.

    As a woman at this stage in life, sharing this experience is important. We are given alllll the information for puberty, but have been pushed aside when it comes to this significant shift later in life.

    So, I am planning to kick into weekly posts.

    Let’s go girls.

  • This Phase of Life is Stupid

    See that smile?

    I’m not smiling now. I’m awake and it’s 1:55 am.

    I went to sleep at 10:00 pm.

    Been awake for an hour. I am so tired, but I can’t sleep.

    Even as I am typing this, I am yawning.

    I remember being told 8 gazillion things about the upcoming changes in my life when I was in health class in elementary school.

    No one prepares you for the changes that come later in life.

    And your options are limited.

    I am starting to read The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter, because I need some answers/guidance/relief.

    I’ve been reading Menopause/Perimenopause posts on Reddit.

    I’m commiserating with other women, and you know what?

    We’re all tired.

    This phase of life IS stupid.

    There needs to be more research…more doctors who do not say “Oh well, that’s the stage of life you’re in”.

    Because if men had to go through this, you bet the uproar would produce results.

    But instead, us “hormonal” women will continue to suffer…out loud…

    Screaming into the void.

  • Diverticulitis, Liquid Diet, and I Want a Cheeseburger

    Well, it has been an interesting week.

    A little background:

    About 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with IBS. After meds and a diet change, I was able to control flare ups.

    I then went into remission for years.

    But….

    The past few weeks I have some instances of issues, which I attributed to the return of IBS. I went to the doctor and she prescribed some antispasmodics and sent me off for bloodwork.

    So last Saturday, I went for said bloodwork. Felt a little off. By the evening I started to have intense cramping and feeling unwell overall.

    Took the antispasmodics…nothing.

    I marched myself up to bed, turned in my heating pad and relaxed until bed.

    Sunday, no better, and had switched to a bland diet.

    Woke up Monday, and thought I was feeling better, but I started back with the cramping and nausea.

    Went to the ER Monday afternoon, and they were over capacity. I had a five minute assessment. The doctor told me to come back in the morning.

    Was told to take Tylenol while I was there Monday. It didn’t even take the edge off.

    So, Monday morning my mother picked me up way before daylight. We drove out and I was fourth in line.

    After some tests, and a doctor’s physical assessment, I was diagnosed with diverticulitis.

    I was given a prescription for Amoxiclav and Naproxen, and also sent home with Tylenol 3, was advised on a diet, and told to have a colonoscopy in 3 months.

    I’m not really hopeful on the colonoscopy in 3 months, because our healthcare system is awful and slow and understaffed.

    Got the meds, went home, and went horizontal. The fatigue was unreal.

    So, taking mega antibiotics on a liquid only diet is NOT good on the stomach. It elevated the nausea.

    Long story getting longer, I was horizontal until about Thursday.

    I was able to get up and eat soft foods. That definitely made a difference when it came to the antibiotics.

    My strength started to come back.

    I started feeling human on Friday.

    Starting to slowly introduce food back into my diet.

    I really really really really want a cheeseburger.

    Knowing that this could possibly happen again, not a fan.

    Adjusting my diet again, and reading up on this godforsaken condition.

    This where I’m at.

    I’m hoping this is it for the weirdness that is 2024.

    Stay tuned…I’ll keep posting any other weird events!

  • Check In: First Week on Lower Antipsychotic Dose

    It’s been a full week.

    Things I have noticed:

    – a little fatigued

    – sometimes a little irritable

    – still leg bouncing

    – working through an anxiety spike is challenging

    I can say that’s been all so far. It’s really not that bad all things considered. I think the leg bouncing is more of a comfort mechanism more than anything, so that’s not such a big deal.

    Had a little moment yesterday where I worked my way through an anxiety spike. I did it without chewing the skin around my fingernails, so that was a win for sure.

    I’m letting myself feel the feelings, and talking my way through them, instead of trying to suppress everything like I used to do. Thankful for the tips therapy has provided in that regard.

    This will be my last week on the lower dose, then I will be completely off Abilify. I will be on vacation for the end of the med, which is good, in case things go a little wonky.

    Will keep you all in the loop once I totally come off and let you know how I am doing.

    Fingers crossed the symptoms stay as they have been!

    Until next time.

  • COVID

    I learned on Sunday that I was exposed to Covid-19.

    I tested Monday Morning, negative.

    So, I went about my day. My throat was kind of dry as the day went on, but didn’t think much about it, as I find the office air dry some days.

    I woke up early Tuesday and I was not feeling good. Took another rapid test…..and it lit up like a Christmas tree.

    Well fuck.

    I waited until a half decent hour and called my kiddo (who is in the bedroom next to mine) to tell her the situation.

    Her response: “Oh fuck”

    I managed to work from home on Tuesday. But Wednesday was a different story. I slept most of Wednesday. The fatigue and the tightness of my chest was overwhelming. That and fighting the headache. It was just all too much.

    Thursday saw me not as fatigued, but still quite ill. I made it through the day, and started getting head congestion. It seems to be this slow moving virus for me, each day adding something different.

    Friday, I was feeling better. My daughter, luckily, had been testing negative and was clear to go on her planned trip to Montreal. We Facetimed and off she went. I was now able to roam the apartment. The change of scenery was welcome. I sat down on the balcony for my 1 hour of outside time in the early afternoon with a glass of grapefruit juice.

    I took a drink of said juice and could barely taste it. By the time I was halfway through the glass I couldn’t taste it. I had the sensation of the “bite” it has, but no taste. Another COVID hit. Later on I became more congested and a fever started. I took meds and went to bed.

    Here we are on Saturday. I still can’t taste. Fever is gone. Still congested in the head and chest (cough still hanging around). My smell isn’t great either. I don’t seem to be as fatigued, but I am trying to not move around as much as I did yesterday.

    All in all, this sucks. I haven’t been this sick in quite some time. I am so very thankful for vaccines as I would hate to think how much worse this would be if I wasn’t vaccinated.

    Time to take a break and get more rest. Writing has zapped some of my energy.

    Stay safe out there. Wear your mask. Keep washing your hands.

    COVID sucks ass. That is all.

  • So Done

    Full of fatigue.

    Lacking motivation.

    Fighting my depression.

    Navigating this pandemic.

    I’m so done. Done with feeling like I can’t do anything about how I’m feeling.

    I go in circles. A time where I’m feeling good and think I have everything under some semblance of control. I can handle a lot of things I cannot during a period of depression. I thrive during these times. Then comes the depression and I don’t trust myself, my decisions, or my thought process. Everything I do is wrong.

    This pandemic has made my depression periods more frequent, but in brief spurts and they hit me like truck. My circles become more chaotic and the times between my thrive and slump get shorter. I’m fighting against a strong undertow and it exhausts me.

    I know this is drilled down to exceptional circumstances. I know this pandemic is affecting me in ways I can’t control. I’m facing this every day, this lack of control.

    I try and step back, to see what is the underlying fear, and how can I work with that to move forward. It’s not easy, and sometimes there is no working with it. It is fear, and I need to feel it.

    I recently found out I was at a COVID exposure site, and had to self isolate while waiting to get a test and the results. I was scared the whole time. One trip to pick up my lunch may have landed me in viral swamp, putting others at risk as well.

    During that time, I couldn’t run. My coping mechanism was off limits. There were other ways of working out, but running lets me unwind in a different way. I may not be as fast as I used to be, but the ability to lace up is still my number one way to solve the overthinking brain.

    Thankfully my test results were negative and I could het back to “normal”.

    I am also lucky that I was able to book my vaccine, and I go in 10 days.

    I am very lucky, and I acknowledge that.

    I am just done with all of it. The pandemic, the damage and heartache it has caused, the fighting with my mental illness, watching people disrespect public health orders, all of it.

    I am done.

    But I will live to fight another day.

    I am lucky. So many others are not.

    I wish you love, health, and happiness.

    Stay safe.