The Midlife Reframe

Category: overwhelmed

  • The Cold, The Covid Test, and My Anxiety

    This week was a little stressful.

    I woke up on Monday morning with a chest cold and a cough.

    I took the online Covid assessment of my local health authority and was advised to get tested for Covid.

    I booked my test online and was lucky to get an appointment that morning, within 2 hours of the assessment.

    I told my daughter, which was a little scary, and get myself ready to go.

    I got to the assessment centre and checked in. I was assigned a number and given a socially distanced seat to sit in. I was registered and into the testing pod in 5 minutes. The health practitioner who was going to administer my test was very nice, explained the test and showed me the swab. The swab was teeny, so I relaxed a bit. He then made a joke about amnesia and we had a good laugh. It definitely broke the tension.

    The test took about 3 seconds. It was a little uncomfortable, but not as bad as I thought.

    I was told it could take up to 3 days for my results. I was let go and followed the path out, sanitized my hands and went back out to my car.

    I read the pamphlet I was given on self isolation and went directly home. I had to avoid common areas and choose which bathroom to use until my results came in.

    Luckily, my home office is in my bedroom, and I hunkered down to work. (My daughter got ready and went to work as well. She works retail, so she checked in to make sure she was okay to go in, and away she went.)

    It was very hard to focus while I was waiting for my results. I had supper delivered to my room by my daughter and had to announce every time I left my room.

    I slept, which was surprising.

    When I woke up Tuesday, the first thing I did was check my email. My results were in!

    I logged in with my health card. The results were NEGATIVE.

    I was so happy. I let my family members know and

    I immediately sent an email to work to let them know and to advise I would work from home until I was better.

    My self isolation was short lived, but I still had the stinking cold.

    Thankful that is wasn’t Covid, I worked from home (with some time off to get rest) for the rest of the week.

    Then, the cases started to rise and the places of possible exposures started to increase.

    My anxieties were on the rise again, and the thought of going back into lockdown ate at me. My psoriasis got worse. I started chewing the skin around my nails again. Sigh.

    I live in the Atlantic Bubble. We’ve done so good up until now. Our mandatory masking and the travel only within our 4 provinces seemed to keep us safely wrapped in a low cases blanket. Our restrictions in my area have been tightened up for the next 4 weeks to see if we can get things under control. If not, I fear we’ll be back into another lockdown around Christmas.

    For now, I am going out only when I need to and follow the public health protocols to keep those around me safe.

    For now, I’ll keep myself busy with crocheting and housework to slow the anxieties.

    For now, I’ll hope for a Covid free Christmas.

    For now, I’ll hope you’ll all stay safe and healthy.

    Take care of yourselves my friends.

  • Absent, to be Present

    I’m on a bit of a social media break (which will be ironic, because I’ll be posting this on social media, lol) so I can be present and show up in my life.

    I’ve been absent for quite some time. Detached from things since COVID-19 reared it’s ugly head. Been living in fight or flight for far too long. So I am taking a step back for a couple of weeks to readjust and be with my family, and getting used to physically being back in the office full time.

    I am sitting back, watching, listening and learning. I am reconnecting with myself during this little disconnect. It’s good for mind and body.

    I need this. Being distracted and not focused is not good for my brain. I need direction and goals to work towards, and I’ve lost that.

    I may be doing these little breaks more often, to stay engaged and aware. I think we all need a disconnect every now and then.

    So, the next couple of weeks will be my reset, then I am going on vacation. I plan on taking lots of videos and pictures to share, so stay tuned.

    Until then I am channeling my energy to the things that matter most, to me.

    Ciao!

  • Voices in My Head

    Pandemic + Mental Illness = War.

    It’s an inner war and I haven’t been rallying the troops like I should be. The enemy has been winning small battles these past couple of weeks.

    It’s time to sit down and rewrite my battle plan. Morale is in the toilet, so I need to pump up the troops so we can start pushing forward.

    It’s not going to happen overnight, and I realize that it will be hard to not listen to the self doubt voices that reside in my brain. Sometimes they can be VERY convincing. They know where my wiring is off and utilize that against me.

    They take the “I am” part of me and turn it into “How about no”, or “It can wait for another day”. It makes me believe that I have “better things” to do.

    I’ve never been one for positive self talk. I find it feels like I am being condescending towards myself. I have a few “power phrases” that can get me over a hill, but to spout off things to myself every day is not going to happen. It’s just not who I am.

    I will have to dig deep again and find my inner warrior. The fighter. The one who can tell those self doubt voices to fuck off. Because THAT is who I am.

    So take note motherfuckers, I am making a new battle plan. Those voices? They can go to hell.

  • Dialing Into My Brain

    Today, I had planned to wake up early and get to the gym. There was a spin class I wanted to go to and then do a 30 minute strength training sesh.

    I must have turned my alarm off in my sleep.

    I slept in.

    Then my brain went into overdrive.

    It was a little stormy out. I checked the bus times.

    An hour until the bus came. That would set me back even more.

    (Not really, because the gym is open ALL DAY. Also, it would have given me time to get ready.)

    I had to do a workout right then and there, because I slept in and already wasted time.

    (I probably needed the sleep, to be honest.)

    So I grabbed my bosu ball and my weights, and headed downstairs.

    (My bosu ball needed some air, and I couldn’t find the pump. More chaos ensued.)

    It was after this workout that I took a moment to pause (before my yoga sesh), and finally dialled into my brain.

    I could have calmly waited and got myself ready for the gym.

    What was I afraid of?

    (Starting as a newbie….again.)

    Why didn’t I just slow myself down and talk it out?

    (Old habit of not wanting to know the real reason for the anxiety. Will have to work on that.)

    Would I have died if I showed up at the gym and other people saw me?

    (No. Definitely not.)

    So, one of my deep digs is going to be facing what my brain thinks is a big fear, and trying to talk myself through the situation.

    (If I can, because sometimes the anxiety wins, but I will try my hardest.)

    So, some notes will be going up to remind myself that I am worth the time it takes.

    I will set up a reminder system in my phone of my weekly “outside of the house” plan.

    I will dig deep to find the fear behind the anxiety.

  • I’m Still Here

    I’m still medicated.

    I’m still fighting.

    Things have been hectic lately. Work has been absolutely overwhelming. Life is all over thr place.

    I was out yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. This is the earliest I have started it. I am feeling pretty good about having it started. It has made it easier on my anxiety. I am usually the last minute shopper mid-late December.

    I will still have my fancy Christmas anxiety, just hopefully not as much.

    Medication news: I am now on birth control for my peri menopause, because my body is all out of control with the hormonal stuff. This wreaks more havoc on my body, but is necessary for now.

    So I am medicated, and hormonal. THIS IS GREAT GUYS.

    Just trying to make it through the rest of the year without having some sort of meltdown.

    So far, I am keeping my head above water, although if I could hibernate for three days I would think I would feel a bit more centred.

    Feeling off balance equals feeling a loss of control, and I don’t function well when that happens.

    I am taking the early Christmas shopping as a win, and will trudge on with work. Will need to use my apps for meditation more often so I don’t do the downward spiral.

    I really need to up my water game too. I haven’t been consistent with that. Time to take the Hydro Flask back to work.

    On that note (because I am certain I am about to start rambling) I will leave you with this: remember to take care of yourself, because you matter too.

  • Body Image & Mental Illness

    (This post is about MY experience/struggle with body image and depression/anxiety.)

    See this picture?

    I posted it last week on my Facebook page.

    I have a love hate relationship with this photo, because the thing I see first, is my back bulges from the racer back running bra I am wearing.

    At first, I didn’t see the strong, resilient woman running to bring awareness to mental illness. It took me a day to make peace with this photograph, and to see the strong, resilient woman in it.

    I am now 47 with peri menopause staring me down.  My hormones are out of whack.  My body is changing and I am trying to find the magic solution (haha) to keep myself healthy (I am totally eating a slice of pizza as I write this) and to continue to feel good about myself.

    This is hard with a brain that chemically wants you to be miserable.  Really hard. It’s a fight both physically and mentally.  I can handle dealing with one, but dealing with both at the same time can be extremely overwhelming.

    I’ve struggled with body image before.  This isn’t my first time on the roller coaster.

    I was a personal trainer for a short period of time.  I know what needs to be done to get myself in the “feeling good” zone again.

    I just can’t get into a corner of the ring to take a few minutes to strategize my fight.

    Do I need to be “Skinny?”

    NO.

    Do I need to be healthy?

    YES.

    This is what I have made my peace with: I no longer care about “skinny”.  I can’t.  My brain will latch onto that and I will be back to bending over in the mirror to see how many rolls I have, start planning out my “fasting” moments, and I end up being skinny and NOT HEALTHY.  I’ve been skinny and not healthy quite a few times.  I’ve also been skinny and mentally ill AND not healthy.

    I need to be happy in the body I currently occupy.

    So, running will continue to happen (because it’s a great outlet for me), and I am starting another yoga practice in October for my mind as well as my body.  If I can keep this up for the month, then I can make it a healthy habit.

    Now, FOOD.  I love food, and I do not deprive myself of it.  At all.  I am choosing healthier options, but if I am craving some pizza, I  have some pizza (see earlier paragraph – I am eating some pizza…right now).  Food is fuel, and I need healthy fuel for my body.  But I also realize that I can indulge and it’s not BAD.  I no longer punish myself for eating.  Food is not a punishment or a reward for me.

    I think there is too much focus on weight loss and being “skinny”.  I think we need to encourage each other to start working towards feeling healthy, energized, and happy.  We all occupy a body that was made just for us.  We need to celebrate that.  I need to celebrate that.

    It’s time to get back to the folks that encourage me to work towards a happy, healthy me, no matter what size that is.

    Step 1: Moving every day is now a priority for me, whether it’s a run, a walk, or some yoga.  Just getting out and moving.  Clearing my mind and getting the heart rate up.

    Step 2: I am working towards healthy.

    In this body.

    Because it’s amazing.

    (Step 3: Let’s hope my brain comes around and stops being a jerk, eh?)

  • It Can’t Rain All the Time, or Can It?

    I am pretty sure it’s been raining for eleventy billion days.

    (At least that’s what it feels like. There have been scattered days of sunshine, but it seems Spring has taken to hibernating.)

    I am a solar powered human. I need the sun to lift my spirits.

    Rainy, cold days are soul sucking demons.

    My brain is more of a jerk during long periods of crappy weather. My body just wants to hibernate.

    It’s hard to get motivated. It’s hard to find the good.

    The voice in my head likes to use these long periods of bad weather as a catalyst for its evil plans to ruin any little piece of joy I find in the day.

    I see a peek of sun: Ha, that’s not gonna last long.

    I go out for a walk at lunch and it isn’t raining: Yeah, it’s not raining but it is cold out.

    I finish a not so fun task at work and sigh in relief: Look at everything else you need to get done. You’ll never catch up.

    I plan a dinner date: Your house is a mess and he’ll see every single speck of dirt you see and will think you are a pig.

    It’s like I can’t win.

    The sun makes such a difference for me. Not always, as my illness can drop it like it’s hot whenever it wants, but for the most part it does bring the happies.

    So, as I sit here and write, I can see a bit of blue sky.

    See, it can’t rain all time.

  • The Finger Saga Continues

    In case you are wondering, the glue on nails I used to try and save the skin around my fingernails could have been successful, had they been a little bit shorter.

    I spend all day on a computer at work and typing was a little bit cumbersome with the “real short” (not really) nails that I chose.

    They lasted almost a week, but I had to take them off because: typing. I was kind of sad, because I loved the french tip look of them.  My hands were super cute!

    I need to find the “tight fit” nails and give them a go.

    Needless to say, my fingers have suffered my wrath this week.  Two bloody ones and multiple chewed up ones.  Just when I thought they were getting a break.

    Sigh.

    I would try gel nails, but the cost and upkeep would be an added expense right now.

    So, if you want to try some glue on nails, I would recommend the KISS brand.  The Impress nails did not stand up to all the hand washing I do throughout the day.  The glue is required for maximum stick-age.

    Please pray for my fingers…and my brain.

    My brain is control here.  I need to remind it that my fingers don’t like bleeding.

  • Laugh, If You Can

    Life can be a big jerk.

    Something our family is good at is finding the humour in adverse situations.

    This past week has been rough with a family member’s surgery, but we’ve been able to have a laugh (Thanks Snapchat).

    Laughing has gotten me through some pretty rough times.

    Example: When I was first diagnosed with my depression, the first couple of weeks were pretty rough.

    I was at my parent’s apartment one day when my brother arrived. He came into the kitchen and said hi. He then asked me how the voices in my head were. I paused, and said “Just one minute…..Yep, we’re good today.”

    We had a good laugh. It wasn’t at my expense. My brother knew what I needed at that moment.

    That being said, I really think you need to know your audience when being a goof during rough times.

    Bad form can just hurt feelings, and that is not cool.

    But if you can, laugh.

    Sometimes we need it.

    😊

  • Forgiving Myself

    Sometimes I have a big problem.

    I can’t forgive myself.

    I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.

    This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.

    It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.

    The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.

    People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.

    My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.

    Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.

    The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.

    Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.

    Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.

    If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.

    If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.

    Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.

    I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.

    It’s time to be kind to me.