The Midlife Reframe

Category: overwhelmed

  • I’m a Fainter

    Last weekend I fainted while sitting in a pedicure chair.

    An ambulance was called.

    My daughter was a rockstar (which is good, because I now know she can navigate a situation like that without freaking).

    I was checked out by the paramedics, and then went to see a doctor who ordered some bloodwork.

    I had a medication check in today, and decided to tackle this first before the med discussion.

    All my bloodwork came back normal, and everything checks out with respect to my heart (no murmur, and my blood pressure was normal today).

    The diagnosis (after a lengthy discussion): I am prone to vasovagal attacks. My doctor said it’s nothing to worry about, and told me what I could do the next time I feel it coming on.

    Then we talked about how I was doing on the Abilify.

    We discussed how I was feeling, and decided that since this is working for me, she will keep me on it in addition to the Cipralex.

    So, a successful visit today. Now that I am sorted medication wise, I can schedule a visit when I need to.

    This is what I’ve been working towards.

    I will never be 100%, but I am a solid baseline of 85% for now and that works for me!

    (And no, I haven’t gone back for the pedicure, lol!)

    😊

  • Chewing The Skin Around My Nails

    Yes.

    I chew the skin around my fingernails.

    It’s a stress/anxiety solution to “getting rid” of my feelings.

    I will chew them, sometimes, until they bleed. Especially when my anxiety levels are high.

    My new meds have helped with the daily chewing. I am starting to slow my roll.

    I am now wearing fake nails to help stop this madness. If they stay on for a bit, and my fingers get better, I may consider gel nails at the salon.

    Anything to stop me from doing it. Anything to make me not feel ashamed about my hands.

    When I was a teenager they had stuff you could put around your nails that tasted bad so you would not chew your skin.

    I still chewed.

    Nail polish doesn’t stop me either.

    It’s not something I can “just stop”. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it hurts.

    It’s not noticeable unless you look really close. It’s really noticeable when I get out of the shower, or right after I do dishes. You can see my chew marks.

    UGH.

    For now, I am going to see how these nails pan out and hope for the best.

    I’ll let you know how it goes.

  • Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)

    Today I was able to see my doctor.

    I am very lucky, because I called this morning and got in this afternoon.

    I know I’ve been off kilter for quite some time now (months really) and I’ve been at the edge of the rabbit hole for about the same amount of time.

    I had been able to keep my head above water with running and meditation.

    My depression loves food, and sleep. Lots of food and lots of sleep. It is how it fuels the lie machine.

    I’ve been tired, I mean reaaaalllly tired, for a long time. I sleep a full 8-9ish hours every night.

    When the alarm clock goes off, I drag myself through molasses to get moving. Usually I can enjoy my bed coffee and then get moving.

    Lately it’s been bed coffee and I-want-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-another-eight-hours kind of morning. Every day. Even on the weekend.

    There was also my slow disassociation. I would hear myself talking and be like “Who is that talking? It can’t be me because she sounds like she has her shit together.”

    Please note: SHE DID NOT HAVE HER SHIT TOGETHER.

    This past week I could really notice how I was starting to slowly unravel on the inside. I can’t share it all, because it’s raw right now, and I need to let it be for now.

    But I can share that I had a few conversations with my mom on Saturday, and we drove by the doctor’s office so I could see who was in for the weekend clinic (thanks mom, love you!). Unfortunately it wasn’t my doctor, so I decided then that I would call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment.

    (I am so very lucky, soooooo lucky to have the family doctor I do. She rocks.)

    (Also, to acknowledge my slow brain drain: when I had a conversation with some people at lunch the other day, and then later…when I was on the bus with someone who was sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME during this conversation, I said “remind me to tell you…*insert things from lunch conversation here* that this person already heard because SHE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME . Ugh.)

    So tomorrow, I start using my new (I’ve taken this medication before so it’s like an old new) tool.

    Living with a mental illness is not easy.

    It’s awful to think that there are people out there who are afraid to ask for help.

    I was once afraid to ask for help.

    I am not afraid anymore.

    Suffering (for me) is not an option.

    I am on my way feeling better.

    One day at a time.

  • Races, Brain Melts, and the Return of the FitBit

     

    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let's hope I don't injure anything, lol.
    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let’s hope I don’t injure anything, lol.

    Okay,

    So over the holidays I decided that I seriously needed to keep moving this year.  Not just for my physical health, but for my mental health.  I sat and muddled about a fall half marathon.  I wanted something close to home (because I am without my own vehicle, and would need to acquire one for long distance travel) and fun.

    I ended up choosing the Half at Maritime Race Weekend.

    Here is the elevation for MRW Half :)
    Here is the elevation for MRW Half 🙂

    I did the Tartan Twosome there last year (5ks) and really enjoyed the atmosphere and all the goodies offered post race.  Also, the views in Eastern Passage are amazing!

    Also, I purchased a Believe Journal over the holidays.  SUPER EXCITED.

    Plan Amy, plan.
    Plan Amy, plan.

    I am ramping up to start training for the BlueNose Half Marathon shortly and have been writing in my journal daily.  I should be receiving my plan soon and am looking forward to getting back on the training train 😉

    You said Brain Melts?

    Oh yes, brain melts.

    Once I had registered and started to plan out my races, I had a brain melt.

    Then panic.

    What had I done?!?!?

    I am usually a one big race and then all the smaller distances to keep me moving.

    I did not get the kms in that I wanted my first week and by the weekend, it caught up with me:  work, life, running, KERSMASH.

    I had an anxiety moment.  A brain melting, bugs crawling on my skin, flight (not fight), moment.

    I’m good now, but it was yuck.

    And now, let’s talk about the FitBit.

    I Thought You Divorced Your FitBit?

    I did.

    We recently made up, for now.  I put my step goal down to 8,000 and joined a challenge.

    Results from first full week:  I can’t do challenges.  It still ramps up my brain and makes me super anxious.

    But I decided to still wear it.  If anything I can see my sleep patterns and make sure I do get up and move around (she says as she sits and types, lol).

    It gives me some motivation to be active, and see lovely sights such as this on my lunch hour:

    Halifax Waterfront
    Halifax Waterfront

    That is what’s been happening here in the land of Amy so far in 2017.  Come back around soon, as we get ready to document the Odyssey that is my life and how I am going to manage 2 Half Marathons and my brain!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Cupping, Christmas, and Weights


    Yes, let’s talk about my back shall we?
    When I arrived at the Saint Mary’s University Lifemark location, my RMT asked me the usual questions:  How are things?  What have you been up to? What are we working on today?  Welllllll…
    December is a hard month.  More so for those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety.  The lack of sun is a mood crusher all on its own.  You add in the social events, the gift purchasing, and the cooking,  some sort of meltdown is inevitable.
    For me, everything needs to be perfect: the tree, the food, and the presents.  My need for everyone else to be happy trumps all.  Everything else goes out the door: the gym, my running, the things that keep me centered.  I know what it feels like to hit the bottom, so my desire to make sure that those around me have a great holiday is strong.
    This year my body got me through various races.  I was 2 minutes off my 1/2 marathon personal best in May (coming back from a knee injury, I was so happy!), I ran a 10km in the hottest weather I’ve ever run in (not my best, lol), I ran a 5km personal best, and I got through 2 calf strains (each leg).
    My RMT is amazing (so is my PT and Chiro) and has gotten me back on my feet more times than I can count.  When I told him my body was shutting down, he knew exactly what I meant.  I was tightly wound AND my right calf was still not 100%.  Also, my desire to sleep forever and eat all the food was starting to become an issue.
    He suggested cupping.  I am game to try new things, and I have had friends who had cupping done, so I said sure!
    Holy Hurt Batman.
    I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  It was a weird experience at first, but once I got used to the suction ‘zlurp’ noise and the feeling, I focused on my breathing and cursed when required 😉.  I could feel the release in my calf, and as he worked on my back, it was then I realized juuuust how tight I was.  Stress had my upper back all tied up.
    He took the above picture and had me look at it before he left the room.  I had an idea of what it might look like, but that is intense, lol.  Biggest hickies EVER.  Still tender today as write this post, but boy did I ever had a great sleep!
    He left me with post massage/cupping instructions and we discussed what I was going to do to get myself through December and prep for my half training in the new year: Weight training.  I felt great when I worked with a trainer and had a plan.  It will also prep my body for running.  I need this for my mental health as well.
    So until Crazy Mama starts to run, Crazy Mama’s gonna lift!
    For real.  Just watch me 🙂.
    @crazymamaruns
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  • The Things I Struggle With During Injury Recovery

    I’ve Been Absent

    Photo courtesy of Bitmoji 🙂

    I have found it hard to express everything I have been doing/feeling lately.

    It dawned on me that this is what I should right about.

    I haven’t been unable to run for a bit.  I injured my left calf when I attempted to bolt out of the apartment with my daughter’s lunch after she left early one Sunday morning for work and had left it on the floor.  That was before Thanksgiving (Canadian Thanksgiving, lol).  I have been in physio ever since, and was just cleared for fast walking.  I had my first DNS because of this injury, and I was not overly upset.

    At 44 I am more concerned about being able to continue my running journey into my retirement years than I am about running a race.  I was more bummed that I had just planned my reboot and was sidelined in an instant, lol.

    After fast walking, leg day!

    Needless to say that since the onset of this injury, the schlump has been around.  I think every injured runner goes through it.  Lethargic, doing other activities hardheartedly (even though you really should suck it up and get at it), and just being absolutely miserable.  I could not get myself out of “that place”.  I tried other things to get me out of the schlumps, but no go.

    It was like I was stuck in molasses.  When I talked about my racing stripes (physio tape) and where I was with this injury, I just wanted others to know I was in “that place”.  We all have been and will be. You’re cranky that you can’t run.  You don’t care about anyone else.  It’s very self centered really.  A selfish pity party.  I share my  pity parties because I think it’s important to let other runners know it’s okay to be in that frame of mind.  It’s human to feel that way.    I am not looking for anything, I just want to share the good and the bad.

    (It also wasn’t helping that we are entering into Fall/Winter darkness.  That makes me want to hibernate.  Arrive home – enter PJs – become one with chair.)

    I didn’t need inspirational quotes (we all know how much I LOVE those – see HERE). I didn’t need a motivational speech.  I didn’t want a “well it could be worse” blurb.

    I needed to figure it out on my own.

    Why On My Own?

    Because unless I am going down the rabbit hole, I am the only person who can kick myself in the ass.  I know what my motivators are.  If I can’t kick myself in the ass, then I know something bigger is looming, and I ask for help.

    Once I was able to start stretching and doing small amounts of activity, I started to feel better.

    Now that I can do full on “Leg Day” (without explosive movements, not there yet) and fast walking, I am more optimistic.

    I struggled with how to write this down without sounding like I was complaining.

    I struggled with how to lift myself out of the schlump.

    I struggled with how I was dealing with it.

    I am struggling with how to remained focused on making myself a stronger runner before my half marathon training in January.

    I Won’t Struggle For Long

    Because I know what needs to be done.  I just need to sit down and plan it.

    If I need to, I’ll ask for help.

    I will get over this schlumpy schlump, hopefully better prepared for the next one 😉

    @crazymamaruns

  • Why I Will Sometimes Run Tech Free

    I Get Caught Up.

    In looking at my Garmin.
    Checking my pace.
    How much time has passed.
    How far I’ve gone (and sometimes I have not even hit 1km before I am looking down).
    When the anxiety kicks in I get caught up in things that are out of my control:  the weather, my body, etc.

    FitSnap works for my tech free post run pics 🙂
    I forget why I am out on the road.
    I get concerned with things that steer me away from what I love: that feeling you get when it’s just you and the road.  The early morning air.  The feeling of awareness.  Seeing things you may not see later on in the day.  Deer, muskrats, herons.
    Being able to work out your issues before you start work, look after your family, or just kick back and enjoy the day.
    Running tech free takes the expectation off of myself, I don’t log much in my apps or online.  To me it defeats the purpose.  I started out running as an addition to my workout routine and loved it.  When I can recapture that feeling, it charges me back up again.
    Then I remember Garmin/Strava/Social Media are tools, and not definitions of who I am as a runner.
    Let’s face it, I don’t want my most favourite tools to end up like my FitBit.
    @crazymamaruns  

  • When Anxiety Comes Knocking….

    You Put On Your Best Face

    Okay, maybe not THIS face, lol.

    Because we, the mentally ill, it’s what we do.  Until we can’t.

    Last week was bad for me.
    My anxiety was bad.  It started on Monday.
    I woke up with it, like the bottom fell out of my stomach.  There was no reason for it.  It’s just how I started the day.
    Then, for me, everything and everyone around me changes.  I feel like I am under the microscope.  Being examined.  Secretly criticized.
    I bury myself in work, and hope that I can just get through the day without an attack.  Most times, when I get home I am good.  Home is safe.  Home has no people (well, other than TeenThing, lol). 
    I am lucky to have drugs that I can take to calm the racing heartbeat and panic.  It was used a few times this week.

    After Wednesday I was better, and by Friday I was okay.  But on Friday, I crashed.  So tired.  Tired from keeping my head above water.  It’s exhausting fighting that battle every day, working, and being a mom.
    Why do I NOT say anything sometimes?  I don’t want to worry anyone.  Funny isn’t it.  I am worrying about others worrying about me.  Guess where THAT put my anxiety, DEFCON 1.  If what I was feeling lasted longer, I would have said something.  Sometimes, I am also tired of explaining what I can’t explain.  So I keep it to myself.  Sometimes, THAT is my coping mechanism.
    It’s not that I don’t want to share it with those that care about me, it’s that sometimes sharing it is overwhelming.  

    I am happy to say that I am feeling much better now.  Fitness works well for me as a way to create balance.  I was not as vigilant with it last week as I should have been.  Movement is medicine (thanks Clara Hughes!) and I needed more movement.

    One Month Away From The Half Marathon?

    Yes, one month away!

    I was discharged from physio last week (YAAAAAAY).

    I also switched my gym membership to a spot closer to home.  I have some major ass kicking to do.
    I did get out on the trails here last week, and that felt amazing.

    (I have my base laid down for my running, so I am lucky there.  This whole calf strain had me worried for a bit.)
    I am planning some HIIT classes, some spin, weight training and some pool time until Race Day to complement my running.  
    I am glad to be running with my BRF again.
    I have TeenThing to gym it with me.
    A new week ahead means a chance to start fresh.
    Time to Giv’r.

  • Weight of the World….

    And Why It Reminds Me to Refocus

    I carry a lot on my shoulders.  Some of it is placed there by me.

    I over think everything, obsessively.

    Not being able to control my environment throws me into a tailspin sometimes.

    So, until I am cleared to run (my ultimate stress reliever), I’ve been walking and packing my gym bag to shake off everything that has been weighing me down.  Also, a heavy rotation of Silva Meditation. 

    The elliptical is kinda like running!

    Like a lot of moms, I place unrealistic expectations on myself.  I am probably my most harshest critic. 

    We carry way too much, and need to give ourselves a break.  We CAN’T do it all.  And we should NOT feel bad about that.

    Being able to workout gives me peace of mind and reminds me that I need to take care of myself!

    Aren’t you sore from just jumping back in?

    Heck ya!  Everything HURTS.  I am jonesing to run, so taking on the elliptical and rowing machine are my replacement…lol.  Hoping to have my strength training plan written up shortly so I can put it into rotation this week.

    Physio?

    It’s going great!  I have started weight bearing exercises with my right leg, so we are making great progress.

    Yoga?

    Soooooooon.  Once I get the “yes, you can REALLY single leg weight bear” from Joel, look out!  LOL.  I really really really miss my hot yoga.

    What’s on tap for this week?

    Work (duh).

    My usual Physio Appointments Tuesday and Thursday.

    The last of the #JustPlankIt challenge.

    This is killing me, but the brownie today helped, lol.

    Gym time, and my walks.

    So, if you are hooked up with MapMyWalk, let me know!  I just started tracking my walks…….yesterday, lol.

    #crazymamaruns



     

  • The Home Stretch for #ProjectAmy

    Wow….the time has flown by!!

    I can’t believe I am 10 sleeps away from my knee surgery.

    10.

    Nervous?  HELL YES!  Even with all the activity of the past little while, it seeps into my brain late at night.

    Nervous Girl by themedusa on DeviantArt

    How has #ProjectAmy been doing?

    Well, I must say, it has kept me moving.  Being a 9-5er has it’s moments, but I have been able to get physical activity into each day.  Well, except yesterday…I took that as a rest day.

    Today my activity will happen later this evening.  I kind of slept in this morning and chaos ruled my morning.  My gym bag is sitting in my bedroom at home.  But no worries, I’ll be on it like white on rice!

     

    All my Tweeples and friends have been keeping me on point, which I am very thankful for!

    After my surgery, #ProjectAmy will be taking on a whole different path as I will be focusing on recovery….and not losing my marbles (this is where #FightForHappy will be in FULL EFFECT).  



     

     

     This also means I won’t have to eat cat fur for while doing my pushups.

    I’ll miss the pushups, not the cat fur!

    Cat fur will probably be more prominent as they will hover over me the first little while, lol.

     

     

     

    Are you ready for surgery CrazyMama?

    Well, I rearranged my bedroom on the weekend.  Sleeping was weird.  I was deeper in my bedroom than I am now.  And being closer to the door is just a little freaky.

    I started other cleaning/purging projects on the weekend as well.  Then got completely overwhelmed and had to stop.  So this week will be about tackling one thing at a time.  I also took the day off before surgery next week (and Monday is Heritage Day here in Nova Scotia), so Friday is my last full day of work.

    There will be lots of cooking going on this weekend and meal prep for sure.  Clothing prep and post-op station will also be done this weekend.

    Okay…enough before I get overwhelmed again, lol.

    So, yes, for the most part I think I am.  Just need to keep myself on the steady until the 18th.

    Next post will be bringing ya’ll up to speed on the final week on this installment of #ProjectAmy, and sharing my extreme nervous energy days before surgery.  

    So if you thought THIS post was scattered, lol.

    #crazymamaruns