The Midlife Reframe

Tag: sleep

  • And On That Note…

    This photo has nothing to do with this post. Yacht is my father’s new service dog, and we are all very happy he is now part of the family.

    I’m awake when I should be asleep. Nothing out of the ordinary in this world of perimenopause – just extremely aggravating when a couple of hours ago I came to bed because of how exhausted I was.

    Things are good, and I have nothing that is keeping me from going to sleep (well, that I know of).

    I have settled into my role and stepping into projects.

    Diving back into legal tech, and exploring all the options and possibilities.

    I take my ingestion of news in pieces, because if I don’t it robs me of the small joys.

    I bought a bike, and plan on getting back out there after I get a helmet and water bottle holder (I bought my fiance and I new bike bells for the trails).

    I’m finally in a place where I am comfortable with the skin I am in.

    Yet, as I yawn while writing this post…sleep eludes me.

    So, I think I will make myself a cup of tea and pick up a book, in the hopes that I will be able to put my head down soon and rest.

    I have so much more to write, I just need get my thoughts sorted.

    See you soon.

  • Good Bye July

    July was busy.

    But, July also gave me some downtime.

    I have had two weeks of vacation, which were sorely needed.

    My first week was a complete wind down.

    I took my peeps out to Peggy’s Cove to at least get off the balcony for one day….

    One of the views from Peggy’s Cove Lighthouse

    My daughter and I got matching tattoos. Ponyo!

    Astrid does amazing work!!

    We headed to the beach on the second week…temps in the city were close to 30 celsius and there was humidity, which meant melting on the balcony was not an option!

    Hubbards Beach
    Catching some rays

    Back in June, I was able to snag a reservation for a glamping dome down in the Annapolis Valley. What a quiet, relaxing little spot. We grabbed some food from The Noodle Guy (delish) and some local wine from Luckett Vineyards.

    You can almost drive by….so take it slow
    We hung out while waiting for our order
    Luckett Vineyards are absolutely beautiful….I picked up a bottle of Tidal Bay and a couple of spritzers

    Valley Sky is a MUST, and we are already planning a fall visit. Check it out!

    I added a charcuterie board to our stay. Local eats!
    And I turned the temperature down for a soak in the hot tub! (It was 38 celsius with the humidity, blargh!)

    We stayed in the Tidal Dome. The bed was super cozy, the lounge chairs with ottomans were soooo comfortable, and all the amenities made for a great stay. I was kind of sad when we had to pack up the next morning!!

    So serene, and so many birds to listen to!
    My first cup of the day…

    On the way home, we popped into Just Us Coffee for some fuel….and I needed a latte, haha.

    Vanilla Latte…. Deeeeelicious

    Now I am turning the corner to start getting ready for Back To Work on Tuesday (Monday is the Natal Day Holiday here).

    While I am sad to be coming to the end of my vacation, I had some good times. I got a lot of rest.

    And, I think I’m ready to get back at it.

    Until next time!

    Stay Cool Cheesebags!

  • Another Week

    This week was a bit of an up and down event.

    I’m finding that I am getting my energy back, and I’m able to handle my days better.

    Keeping my boundaries at work is making a difference.

    Taking care of myself, and getting the rest I need is also helping.

    It’s Mother’s Day, and sunny. I have always known how the weather affects my mood, and I am thankful that after the grey and rainy day yesterday I am able to enjoy a boost in mood.

    Also, summer vacation will be something to look forward to. Will need to plan that out soon, so I can get it in my work calendar and have a much needed break with my peeps!

    I hope that this increase in energy is the turning point in my burnout.

    I’m beginning to take other steps to safeguard my mental health, and moving forward is a big step.

    Increasing my learning, planning hikes, and giving myself permission to put myself first are some of the first steps once I am back at 100%.

    Let’s see how this week goes!

  • On The Struggle Bus…Again

    Survival Mode.

    I am in it, again.

    The past two months have been hard. I am close to burnout.

    It’s a fine line, medicated or not. Am I thankful for my meds? 1000%

    My antidepressants and the HRT are keeping me alert, and stable. I’m pretty sure it has kept me aware of where I am on a mental health level.

    Therapy is another key. Being able to check in with someone who is objective and will help me work through the jumbles in my brain has been worth everything.

    Home is the safe space. Even when things are chaotic there, I know I can unload, unwind, and be a lump on the couch if I need to. I have a supportive family.

    It’s hard to gauge some days if I am at my breaking point. Is it a day where I cry in my office? When I come home and cry?

    I tell myself I will know when I need to throw in the towel…but will I? Will I be able to admit to myself that it’s time?

    One thing I have learned over the years, especially those AFTER my depression, is that I need to come first. That gets lost sometimes, because you get into a routine and things get comfortable. It’s hard for a reforming people pleaser to stop trying to take care of others first and make sure you are putting yourself at the helm.

    Unfortunately it took me longer than I wanted to be aware of the state I am in. It took my therapist saying the words “survival mode” to snap me back into reality.

    So now I am taking steps to get myself back.

    Making sure I get enough rest is paramount. Sleep is important.

    Then it’s making sure I eat properly.

    I need to start moving again to make sure my body is also taken care of. I have downloaded the AllTrails app and will start exploring.

    Some side notes: HRT is still working well for me. I am having issues with the ulnar nerve in my left elbow – which has been going on for a while, but at first I thought it may have been a B12 deficiency. Not the case. I have a doctor’s appointment this week coming up.

    I’m off to have a nap now.

    Take care of yourselves, and I’ll be back within the next couple of weeks!

  • Week 1 Estalis Update

    Week 1.

    I put my third patch of Estalis on this morning. I had to remove the circles of adhesive fluff on my abdomen….kinda looked like eyes, lol.

    I can say that I haven’t had AS MANY hot flashes this week.

    I’m not as ready to “throw hands” at any minor inconvenience.

    Still a bit of brain fog. I do fins that I am starting to form my thoughts better and articulate what I am thinking.

    Night sweats are still sweating, but not as intense. I still have a fan at the bedside.

    Sleep is still a crap shoot, but I want to say that it seems to be okay most evenings.

    Time is going to tell….but so far I am doing well and pleased with my decision.

    If things change and I end up not having a great time, I know that I can head back to the doc and we can explore other options.

    Stay tuned for next weekend’s update!

  • I Love Sleep

    I really love sleep.

    As a matter of fact, I am in bed right now as I type this.

    It is 8:15 on a rainy Monday night.

    As much as I love my sleep, it can become a problem.

    It can be a problem because I have depression. Depression also loves sleep. Depression would like me to sleep the day away.

    Depression sleep is different from a good nights sleep. Depression sleep whispers how I am not good enough to enter the day and be with people. It whispers how easy it would be to just stay put, and keep my worthless ass where it is.

    This differs from Anxiety sleep. Anxiety sleep is broken. It is tossing and turning. It is worry and rumination. It is weird dreams that wake me up. It tires me out and makes me lethargic.

    I know what you’re thinking…..how can I love sleep?? Because there are nights that I close my eyes and drift off. I may still have weird dreams, but they’re not scary. They’re just your garden variety weird dreams.

    I also love Vacation sleep. That is when I do some of my best sleeping. It’s knowing I have nowhere to go and nothing to get up for. I can sleep as late as I want.

    Weekend sleep is good, but short lived. I can get some good sleeping in, but I feel guilty if I sleep in too long, and miss out on weekend stuff.

    So, I still love sleep, and I am working on getting better sleep so I’m a more well rested human.

    To that end, I will say good night.

    May you have a restful sleep.

    (I am not sure what kind of sleep I’ll have, but here’s to hoping it’s a good one!)

  • I Thought I Was Doing Good

    I have been eating better. I have been drinking more water. I am getting ready to start some consistent running and yoga on June 1st.

    What I didn’t really pay attention to during this time was my underlying fatigue. That not so good depression sleep.

    It’s the sleep that takes over. Sleeping in is every day. Sleeping until the last possible minute. This is not me. I am a wake up and get stuff done kind of person.

    I’ve slept in every single morning for quite some time now. It’s not restful sleep. It’s a dead sleep. It’s a sleep filled with weird dreams.

    I was wondering when it would happen to be honest.

    It is a slow progression, the depression sleep. It creeps in and sloooowly takes over. An extra 10 minutes here, another 15 minutes there. The next thing you know, you’re sleeping in an extra 2 hours and you’re scrambling to get up for work.

    I am hoping to change this starting tomorrow. If I can get up and get a small run in, it will be a win.

    Making this commitment to myself is necessary, for both my body and mind during these uncertain time.

    Wish me luck!

  • Rearranging My Room, The Head Cold, and Why is My Cat Being an Asshole?

    I decided (on Boxing Day) that I needed to rearrange my room.

    It is only the second time I’ve done this since living in this apartment because my room is an L shaped room. It stresses me out to rearrange it.

    I really wanted to move my stuff from one end to the other, but then I wouldn’t be able to open my door. Sigh.

    So, my bed is against a side wall, facing my windows. Not sure if this will last. But my brain wanted change, so this is it for now.

    (If I make it more than a month, I’ll consider it a win. My anxiety will determine juuuuust how long it stays that way.)

    Day after Boxing Day: wake up with boogerhead. Do some shopping. Get home and sit down. The plague arrives.

    Not really what I wanted, especially with the Resolution Run coming up on January 1st.

    I pretty much lived in bed with sinus meds on the 28th. Today (the 29th), I am out of bed and downstairs (woooooo). Still congested, but not dying!

    During all of this, my oldest cat (Nala, pictured above) decided to become a gigantic asshole and meow through the night…in my room…on my bed. Sometimes she just sits by my dresser and meows at the wall.

    I am thinking she may not like my room rearranging. (It’s better than thinking my room is haunted.)

    It hasn’t helped with me getting my rest, and when she’s had enough, she just saunters out at around 3am to go downstairs to her bed.

    She is old. Maybe she’s just being cranky to change. Maybe she’s trying to tell me I was wrong to change my room around. What does she know that I don’t?

    Maybe I need to take more meds and have a nap, lol.

    I am going to win this cold war, one nose blow at a time.

    Not sure about the Nala war. She may win that one, lol.

    Stay tuned to see if my brain decides to rearrange my room, again.

  • As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

    One thing that my medication doesn’t shake: my want to sleep, ALL THE TIME.

    My depression likes sleep. I love sleep.

    This depression sleep is a whole different beast. It doesn’t like it when I want to get up and do anything productive, like work or running.

    This sleep can be intoxicating to my brain. It wraps itself around it and keeps it cozy. It lies and says that we really don’t HAVE to get up. We can call in sick. We can keep sleeping. We can run later.

    When this sleep takes over, it makes it hard to peel myself out out of bed.

    Bed becomes a sanctuary.

    Mornings become hard. Not even my bed coffee helps.

    I become a zombie walking through molasses.

    I can get through my day. It just takes a little longer to get up to my regular energy level.

    I find the darker months harder. My brain is up for hibernation, and my body is very willing to agree.

    The struggle IS real, yo.

    While many people CAN get out of bed with no issues, I can’t. Also, there are folks who can’t get enough sleep (which is a whole other evil).

    Each person with a mental illness is fighting their own sleep battle.

    We’re all fighting the dark.

    I just need to find my daylight.

  • Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)

    Today I was able to see my doctor.

    I am very lucky, because I called this morning and got in this afternoon.

    I know I’ve been off kilter for quite some time now (months really) and I’ve been at the edge of the rabbit hole for about the same amount of time.

    I had been able to keep my head above water with running and meditation.

    My depression loves food, and sleep. Lots of food and lots of sleep. It is how it fuels the lie machine.

    I’ve been tired, I mean reaaaalllly tired, for a long time. I sleep a full 8-9ish hours every night.

    When the alarm clock goes off, I drag myself through molasses to get moving. Usually I can enjoy my bed coffee and then get moving.

    Lately it’s been bed coffee and I-want-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-another-eight-hours kind of morning. Every day. Even on the weekend.

    There was also my slow disassociation. I would hear myself talking and be like “Who is that talking? It can’t be me because she sounds like she has her shit together.”

    Please note: SHE DID NOT HAVE HER SHIT TOGETHER.

    This past week I could really notice how I was starting to slowly unravel on the inside. I can’t share it all, because it’s raw right now, and I need to let it be for now.

    But I can share that I had a few conversations with my mom on Saturday, and we drove by the doctor’s office so I could see who was in for the weekend clinic (thanks mom, love you!). Unfortunately it wasn’t my doctor, so I decided then that I would call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment.

    (I am so very lucky, soooooo lucky to have the family doctor I do. She rocks.)

    (Also, to acknowledge my slow brain drain: when I had a conversation with some people at lunch the other day, and then later…when I was on the bus with someone who was sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME during this conversation, I said “remind me to tell you…*insert things from lunch conversation here* that this person already heard because SHE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME . Ugh.)

    So tomorrow, I start using my new (I’ve taken this medication before so it’s like an old new) tool.

    Living with a mental illness is not easy.

    It’s awful to think that there are people out there who are afraid to ask for help.

    I was once afraid to ask for help.

    I am not afraid anymore.

    Suffering (for me) is not an option.

    I am on my way feeling better.

    One day at a time.