Rumination, second guessing everything, answering work related emails at midnight (when I didn’t have to).
Once I answered that email at midnight (which arrived way earlier than that), I knew it was time to call my doctor.
I set up a phone call, and we talked about my HRT and antidepressants.
It was decided that since there was room to move up on my antidepressants, we would go this route.
Tomorrow I start the new dose.
I’m hopeful this will work.
Perimenopause is doing me dirty and I am not a fan.
One thing I am grateful for is all the work I put in through therapy over the past few years to recognize when I hit my wall BEFORE it crumbles.
I’m not one to suffer in silence anymore. If I need help, I ask.
With the Fall ramping up and year end on its heels, I want to keep myself healthy mentally.
To help me physically, I need regular movement again. I have a bike (and it is a workout let me tell ya), taking marine collagen, and starting to consider yoga again.
Feeling like I am falling apart is no good, so one step at a time.
I have a follow up in two months.
As women, we really need to be louder about this stage of our life – and I am glad to see more of us out there speaking our truth.
When I started my new position, I was reading every single email about what was happening: events, charity work, training sessions, educational pathways, etc.
One day, I saw a call out for an Easter Seals fundraiser called Drop Zone.
I’m familiar with the event, knowing those who participated in the past. I was also aware of the good work that Easter Seals does for accessibility.
Accessibility is essential because it ensures everyone can participate fully, regardless of ability. When we design spaces, technology, and information to be inclusive from the start, we remove barriers that limit people’s independence, dignity, and opportunity. Prioritizing accessibility isn’t just a compliance checkbox—it’s a commitment to equity, innovation, and creating environments where all people can thrive.
Drop Zone is a rappel event held across Canada. In Halifax, it is a 23 story rappel off of an office building.
It took me about a minute, and I asked to be signed up.
Now….
I have never rappelled.
I have been on theme park rides. You’re usually in a secure “vehicle” and “strapped in”. The ride is usually not long, and before you realize it, it’s over.
I’m not gonna lie…I have a slight fear of heights.
This event would pit me against one of my fears. It also would allow me to raise awareness about accessibility.
It seemed so far away when I signed up and started fundraising.
Then I had to sign up for rappelling sessions.
Then I took those lessons (the scariest part was sitting back) off of a half wall at a climbing gym.
I thought: “I got this!”
Reader: It was false bravado, lol.
Nothing was real until I reached the roof in my gear.
Is she laughing? Yes (Is she scared to death? 100%)
I was at the 23rd story (the roof) of an OFFICE BUILDING. I could see forever everywhere I looked.
The team at Tacten were amazing (all the volunteers were!).
They checked and adjusted my harness, walked me through each step, and got me over to my spot. I was hooked up at the waist and chest.
I was facing inward, and was told to step backwards onto the ledge and get into the brace.
Holding on for dear life.
This is where I questioned my life choices, lol.
Then I remembered WHY I was doing this, and the people who I was doing it for.
So, when they helped me adjust my feet so that my heels were off the ledge, and told me to sit back – I took a deep breath (they gave me so much support!) and said out loud: “This is the hardest part.”
Then I sat back.
Took my first steps down.
The photographer said: “Hey, Amy!”
I looked up.
He suggested the pose.
I never looked down – haha
From there, I started my descent. They said we should enjoy the view…so I enjoyed the reflection in the office building windows!
It was a surreal experience.
Once in a lifetime for me!
A day to remember, and a great fundraising effort by my work colleagues.
Facing one of my fears gave me the opportunity to see what I am capable of, even under a great amount of anxiety.
Here I am, hoping that I am on the path to burnout recovery.
I’m getting some energy back, and I don’t want to hide from everyone all the time (only about 85% of the time, lol).
I’m still on hormone replacement therapy…pills and gel because the patch is not available and always on back order. I am certain that this has been holding me together.
I have fully embraced my “fuck it” era. I say what needs to said now.
Therapy helps, a lot.
I’m also planning for an event for next fall, and this is sparking up my creative brain. I am a planner, so diving into something has been refreshing.
Vacation is coming up soon. I see beach time in my future and I’ve booked an overnight in a glamping dome.
I’m using those two weeks to recharge and recover.
A lot of things are changing, and most of them are for the good.
This is a short and sweet check in.
I’m currently on my balcony relaxing, and I hope you are finding the time to unwind and breathe.
I was not in recovery. It was a facade I had willingly accepted because I needed to be okay. I needed to NOT be in burnout. The fatigue is still there. My motivation, gone. I want to sleep…ALL THE TIME. It takes everything in me to get up and get going. I just DON’T WANT TO.
I have been here before.
I would rather not be here.
I tend to hermit in these conditions. Isolation is my solace.
I don’t have the energy most days to connect. I want to come home after work and sleep.
This isn’t good for anyone.
I honestly do not know where to start. How do I turn this around? Can I turn this around?
Can I survive this, again?
I ponder this every morning. Can I conjure up a plan that will work?
I’m surrounded by people I love at home. They help me as much as they can. But there are things that only I can do.
So I need to start writing things out. Feelings, thoughts, ideas.
Maybe then I can navigate this world I am in.
This post is not exactly uplifting, but I’ve always been real about where I am when I write.
So until I dig out, it’s not going to be good times. There may be a glimmer of good every now and then, so if you can be patient as I navigate these bends in the road, I would like to share those glimmers as well.
Take care of yourselves. Don’t get too encompassed by the news. Disconnect every now and then.
I’m off to bed, hopefully get a good sleep, and start again tomorrow.
I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.
I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.
I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.
Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.
Pure survival mode.
Burnt the fuck out.
After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.
In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.
We are far from a perfect world.
My evenings and weekends are low key.
I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.
Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.
It’s one day at a time.
Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).
I’m finding that I am getting my energy back, and I’m able to handle my days better.
Keeping my boundaries at work is making a difference.
Taking care of myself, and getting the rest I need is also helping.
It’s Mother’s Day, and sunny. I have always known how the weather affects my mood, and I am thankful that after the grey and rainy day yesterday I am able to enjoy a boost in mood.
Also, summer vacation will be something to look forward to. Will need to plan that out soon, so I can get it in my work calendar and have a much needed break with my peeps!
I hope that this increase in energy is the turning point in my burnout.
I’m beginning to take other steps to safeguard my mental health, and moving forward is a big step.
Increasing my learning, planning hikes, and giving myself permission to put myself first are some of the first steps once I am back at 100%.
The past two months have been hard. I am close to burnout.
It’s a fine line, medicated or not. Am I thankful for my meds? 1000%
My antidepressants and the HRT are keeping me alert, and stable. I’m pretty sure it has kept me aware of where I am on a mental health level.
Therapy is another key. Being able to check in with someone who is objective and will help me work through the jumbles in my brain has been worth everything.
Home is the safe space. Even when things are chaotic there, I know I can unload, unwind, and be a lump on the couch if I need to. I have a supportive family.
It’s hard to gauge some days if I am at my breaking point. Is it a day where I cry in my office? When I come home and cry?
I tell myself I will know when I need to throw in the towel…but will I? Will I be able to admit to myself that it’s time?
One thing I have learned over the years, especially those AFTER my depression, is that I need to come first. That gets lost sometimes, because you get into a routine and things get comfortable. It’s hard for a reforming people pleaser to stop trying to take care of others first and make sure you are putting yourself at the helm.
Unfortunately it took me longer than I wanted to be aware of the state I am in. It took my therapist saying the words “survival mode” to snap me back into reality.
So now I am taking steps to get myself back.
Making sure I get enough rest is paramount. Sleep is important.
Then it’s making sure I eat properly.
I need to start moving again to make sure my body is also taken care of. I have downloaded the AllTrails app and will start exploring.
Some side notes: HRT is still working well for me. I am having issues with the ulnar nerve in my left elbow – which has been going on for a while, but at first I thought it may have been a B12 deficiency. Not the case. I have a doctor’s appointment this week coming up.
I’m off to have a nap now.
Take care of yourselves, and I’ll be back within the next couple of weeks!
Getting more mental clarity. Remembering more things.
Although when I started to write this post, I started to get a head cold. Then work went sideways.
This past week felt like 3 months.
When I got home Friday, I was spent.
BUT dealing with all the things coming at me was more manageable. I screwed up a couple of things, but things still went forward.
I didn’t break down, my anxiety was pretty tame, and the stress didn’t consume my every moment.
Certain sounds no longer move me to want to stab my eyes out.
My ears are no longer super itchy.
I did have a period, and still tracking those. My last one was 66 days from my last one.
I am still on my Antidepressant, and it is working well.
I’ve been trimming my social media. I am looking to keep connections with those I want. With the world in the state it’s in, I know who I want to keep close.
This curb the skin chewing around my nails, I have been getting gel nails. I found a great spot and I am no longer ingesting skin (ewww) at an alarming rate.
Sleep is getting better, with only the odd night where I am awake off and on…night sweats ate minimal.
Hot flashes…not many.
Things seem to be going well, and I am looking forward to the months ahead into Spring and Summer.
Before I started Estalis, my periods were starting to space out.
50, 60 day cycles.
I made it to almost 70 days this time, then it descended. No warnings, no PMS, no cramps. It was a short one. But intense.
I’m also finding out where the patch is best placed. Lower abdomen seems to work for me. Anywhere else and the patch starts to come off. I had to put medical tape on one….oops!
I must say that so far I am not having any adverse effects from the patch, so I am keeping fingers crossed.
I have been evening out with the ups and downs with my anger. There are still some outbursts, but not as heated. I am starting to have the ability to focus more. This has made such a difference.
Less hot flashes (maybe 1 or 2 per day), night sweats are mostly gone, and I am sleeping better.
Not gonna shy away from the fact that I still have my bad days…as I type this I am struggling with some gross emotions.
I’m really all over the place right now, and I am absolutely exhausted.
Navigating all of this world political landscape, while in late perimenopause, is challenging to say the least.
I’m sad, angry, frightened, frustrated, and the list goes on.
I’m not even American, yet the daily ramblings and decisions of a deranged orange blob is affecting me greatly.
What lies ahead for the world in these next four years? As a Canadian, with said orange blob blathering on incessantly about making Canada the “51st State”, it is becoming harder to contain emotions.
Are we any better? We have our transgressions, our shaded history. What makes us different?
I would like to think that we would not go that route in our next election, but having seen what has happened since 2020 with Covid and all that followed, I can’t be sure.
I can say this: I will speak up and out when I can. I will defend what I can. I will fight if I need to.
For those who are suffering because of the recent events, I see you.
