The Midlife Reframe

Category: anxiety

  • New Meds All Around!!

    So it’s not only me with some new meds, my daughter has been prescribed something new as well.

    It hasn’t been easy these past few months with her trialing ADHD meds. She started out on Biphentin, and when that wasn’t working out, moved onto Vyvanse.

    The Vyvanse was definitely an experience. She was overstimulated ALL THE TIME, and it was like she was manic. I started questioning whether there was something deeper here that we weren’t seeing.

    I made an appointment with our family doctor (she is Val’s doctor too, and delivered her as well) to express my concerns with the mood swings, the manic type behaviour and her depression. Then, by some sort of weird coincidence, Val told me she had made an appointment with the doc right after my phone call with her.

    We found a psychiatrist close to home that bills through MSI for an assessment and some therapy, so at her appointment, Val mentioned that to our doctor. She sent off the referral that day. It is time we get a concrete diagnosis for her mental illnesses so we can manage it properly.

    Needless to say, the doc told her to immediately stop taking the Vyvanse and to just stay on her Sertraline. We waited two weeks for her system to regulate.

    We just saw the doc the other day, where I attended to help corroborate her symptoms. At this time, she is adding some Wellbutrin as a boost for the Sertraline. She told us that she had yet to hear from the psychiatrist, but hopes it will be soon.

    So we are moving forward in the right direction, but it has been hard watching Val struggle with all of this.

    She’s been amazing though, and keeps on giving what she has to get better.

    My hope is that we hear from the psychiatrist soon. That will be the determining factor in medication management and a better future.

    So, the roller coaster keeps rolling, and we keep riding.

    Hopefully we’ll be able to get off soon and move to the lazy river!

  • My New Meds and The Crochet Adventure

    It’s been a little over a week on Pristiq.

    I am finding it easier to get out of bed, and my focus is starting to come back.

    I’ve started crocheting again, which was something I loved to do. I’m starting a small crochet business with my Aunt and I am making plushies, along with custom orders, blanket, and the like.

    I’m hoping this means the medication is turning things around for me. I’ve had a rough go and would like some up time. It’s been a while since I’ve WANTED to do things.

    I am hoping that my desire for my weekly running is in the queue for things I get back to soon. I’m missing my community and the good feelings I get when I get moving!!

    My crocheting really brings a sense of calm and accomplishment. It’s something I want to share so A & S Crochet Creations was born. We are aandscrochet on Instagram, and I have a little shop on the Tedoo app. Getting ready to also build a website soon so everyone can see what we’re up to!

    I will say that the itch to run HAS surfaced since I ran the 5k at the Bluenose. I just need it to ramp up so that I get back to doing what I love and get back to the people I have been missing!

    Are there still crappy things? Oh yeah. But ai think I am really finding my footing. I am really thinking about where my energy needs to be and WHERE and I want to spend it.

    I’m setting my boundaries and focusing on me, which I haven’t been doing.

    Therapy is also helping, and it’s a great tool for me to hash out my thoughts and feelings. So glad I took that leap.

    So, let’s keep collective fingers crossed that these tools keep me on the up and up!!

    I’m going to try and be optimistic 😉

    Until next time!

  • Got a New Drug

    So it’s been a journey, but we’ve hit a fork in the road.

    It was time to admit that my meds were not necessarily working like they used to.

    I’ve known this subconsciously for a while now. It just took some time for my conscious self to catch up.

    My endless need for more sleep, my disinterest in so many things that I once loved, my lack of motivation, lack of focus, and my lack of concentration were all staring me in the face. I just didn’t want to see them.

    I mean, I was on meds. They were helping me. I just must be in a slump…..for a really really long time.

    Depression and denial are bedfellows. One is connected to the other with super duper steel chains.

    It’s hard to break that connection. Hard to admit that maybe things are working like they are supposed to.

    It’s funny though, because I made my appointment to talk to my doctor not to talk about what was happening, but to refill my anti psychotic.

    She asked me how I was doing, and the words came out of my mouth: “Can I up the meds I am on, or would I have to try something new?”

    We had an honest discussion about how I was. I wasn’t good, and hadn’t been, for a while.

    The decision was made to take me off of Cipralex (SSRI) and put me on Pristiq (SNRI). I have to admit that it made me nervous.

    We discussed titration, and when to start my new med.

    (I am currently in titration mode, and will start my new med next weekend.)

    It’s going to take a while for things to change, and my support system has been notified. I have also apologized in advance for any mood swings or snippiness that may come out if me during this time.

    I’m optimistic, and hope that this is what works to get me back to doing the things I love.

    So, let’s see what next weekend brings with a whole new drug, shall we?

  • Paranoia

    Anxiety is full tilt lately.

    While I started working today, I had that sinking feeling: this usually snowballs into paranoia. Is someone coming after me for something I said? Am I getting fired? What if I fucked something up and no one is saying anything? Am I overstepping? Why is no one answering my emails?

    Today, the solution may be simple, because I realized I forgot to take my meds when I woke up. Luckily I am working at home today (it’s therapy day) so I was able to take them. Hopefully I’ll start to even out within the hour.

    Other days it may not be so easy. Other days I have to use other methods to even myself out. Sometimes that full on means telling people that I am in a state of flight. It is scary, but if people know where I am at, they tend to alleviate my worst fears.

    I’m not always forthcoming though, and it is to my detriment. Keeping these feelings inside just makes things worse, and really solves nothing. Part of my journey is to start expressing where I am at. To say things out loud so that they can be addressed.

    So today, I am saying it out loud: I forgot to take my meds and I am feeling paranoid.

    I’m going to get outside at lunch, and get some fresh air. Take in some of my surroundings. Just decompress so I don’t wind myself up.

    Thankful for therapy later this afternoon. I’m in need of it today!

  • Been a While

    I realized today that it has been a while since I’ve posted.

    Things are moving along. I am still in therapy. Learning a lot about myself.

    My daughter is doing better. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, so we are navigating this together. She is struggling with what she wants to do with her life now that she’s aware of her diagnosis and what that means.

    One step forward, two steps back. it’s a learning process for us both.

    I think we are finally heading into Spring here on the East Coast of Canada. Hoping to see some double digit temperatures soon.

    We signed up for a 5km race for the Bluenose Marathon next month, and we’ll see how that race goes. The struggle with our mental illnesses and getting moving has been real.

    The winter months were hard this year. Usually I can power through them. This year however, all I wanted to do was hibernate. Glad they are over!

    Our newest addition Eggs Benedict is still as feisty as he was the day we brought him home last summer. We think there may be some Siamese in him, but hard to confirm since he came from a hoarding situation. He is super loveable and adds much joy to our home.

    For now, we keep soaking up the sunny days and give ourselves some grace when it’s needed.

    Come back soon. I am full of words that are waiting to come out when I’m ready…..which will be in the next week.

  • I Love Sleep

    I really love sleep.

    As a matter of fact, I am in bed right now as I type this.

    It is 8:15 on a rainy Monday night.

    As much as I love my sleep, it can become a problem.

    It can be a problem because I have depression. Depression also loves sleep. Depression would like me to sleep the day away.

    Depression sleep is different from a good nights sleep. Depression sleep whispers how I am not good enough to enter the day and be with people. It whispers how easy it would be to just stay put, and keep my worthless ass where it is.

    This differs from Anxiety sleep. Anxiety sleep is broken. It is tossing and turning. It is worry and rumination. It is weird dreams that wake me up. It tires me out and makes me lethargic.

    I know what you’re thinking…..how can I love sleep?? Because there are nights that I close my eyes and drift off. I may still have weird dreams, but they’re not scary. They’re just your garden variety weird dreams.

    I also love Vacation sleep. That is when I do some of my best sleeping. It’s knowing I have nowhere to go and nothing to get up for. I can sleep as late as I want.

    Weekend sleep is good, but short lived. I can get some good sleeping in, but I feel guilty if I sleep in too long, and miss out on weekend stuff.

    So, I still love sleep, and I am working on getting better sleep so I’m a more well rested human.

    To that end, I will say good night.

    May you have a restful sleep.

    (I am not sure what kind of sleep I’ll have, but here’s to hoping it’s a good one!)

  • What I am Learning in Therapy

    I am stuck in a circle of flight and freeze.

    My exhaustion is valid. My energy is being spent in this circle. I need to readjust my nervous system.

    I have a lot of trauma to work through, and some vicarious trauma to take care of as well.

    It’s going to be a journey, and I know it’s not going to be easy.

    Am I hesitant? Fuck yes. Facing things I have been compartmentalizing is not going to be fun. I have a lot of boxes to unpack. Le sigh.

    I am super thankful for a great therapist who lets me unload and helps me navigate my feelings.

    I have a lot of feelings, lol.

    I didn’t realize how much I was keeping in boxes until I started spewing everything out.

    No wonder I am so tired.

    I gave myself permission over the holidays to spend time doing absolutely nothing. I have spent some time in bed watching Netflix, and watched the whole Harry Potter series in PJs. Also, Toblerone for breakfast – *chef’s kiss*

    I am going to share as much as I can, at least what I am comfortable sharing.

    Be patient with me, cause it’s gonna be intense at times.

    Roller coaster, here I come!

  • I’m Going to Therapy

    Yes, therapy.

    Some of you probably thought I may have already been going.

    Nope.

    I have been so concerned with the others in my life who need help, I have been neglecting someone important. Me.

    I finally bit the bullet and contacted a therapist this week. I have my first appointment next week, and I’m hoping we connect so I can start and end this journey with one human.

    I have been using other methods, and have gotten some help via chat when my daughter was struggling with suicidal thoughts, but have not taken the time to make sure I am getting the help I need.

    I am glad I have taken this step, and I am also nervous. Nervous because I know I will have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and face some stuff I have compartmentalized over the years.

    There is a part of me that wants to back out, I won’t lie. Facing things I have stuffed way deep down is scary.

    I just keep telling myself that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to release some of the demons that have been weighing me down. Maybe I can learn to be more graceful with myself.

    Maybe I will become more confident in my own skin.

    So many benefits of adding this to my toolbox.

    It’s about time.

    Let’s do this.

  • Scrambled Eggs

    I don’t really know how to write. Most of the time I just sit and type, hoping that what is coming out of my brain makes sense.

    Let’s face it, a mentally ill brain is a lot like scrambled eggs. A bunch of thoughts all shaken up and then plopped down on a plate, and you hope that what you’ve made is good.

    I’d like to think that most of the time I make some sense, but I know there are times when I don’t. I know there are times that I ramble on and sometimes repeat myself.

    I’m afraid that if I don’t get it all out of my head that I’ll forget to say something I find important. But it can get caught up in my jumbled thoughts and come out as a giant ball of irrational words.

    I need to learn how to pause, and breathe.

    In the moment, it’s hard. That pause may make me lose my train of thought, or so I think. But in all honesty it may give me that one moment of clarity that I am so desperately seeking.

    I was at a conference in Montreal this week. A lot of presentations focused on leadership. One thing I noticed was the ability of some of the presenters to have that uncomfortable pause. To wait for however many seconds before repeating a question, or moving on.

    I guess I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. To have that pause. To not be afraid of it.

    So I will be making a small not to have at my desk this week.

    Pause. Breathe. Start again.

    Here’s to finding clarity, and to being uncomfortable.

  • It’s Going…..

    Not really sure how it’s going, but it’s going.

    It’s been a roller coaster ride these past couple of months.

    I can report that my kiddo has found a psychologist that she is starting to work with, and that has taken a load off my shoulders. Her medication has been adjusted to a level that is working for her right now.

    We are slowly cleaning out the clutter in our apartment and making it the cozy haven we would like it to be. This included getting rid of the demon couch from Wayfair and getting a new couch which suits us much better and doesn’t make creaking noises every time we sit down (and make us wonder if it would continue to hold our weight).

    I lost a good friend to cancer last month, and that really spun me around. It was fast moving, and she was only 48 years old. It still seems so surreal.

    As always, a death makes you rethink your priorities. Usually, it’s for a short period of time and then things go back to the way they were. This one hit different. This one really makes me sit back and take stock in my life. I have a letterboard in my office that says, “Remember What Is Important”. Every time I get caught up in something, I look at it and remember what IS important.

    I am slowly shifting back to regular working hours and making sure I take time for me. This is making a difference in my daily outlook, and I am not so frigging tired all the time. It’s also making a big difference in my mental health as well.

    Losing track of priorities and boundaries really takes a toll on me. Remembering the human in me reminds me to take a step back.

    Stop.

    Breathe.

    Start again.

    A pause is always good, and a deep breath to go along with it is even better.

    It’s time to hit the reset button.

    Time to start fresh, and clean out the cobwebs.