The Midlife Reframe

Category: anxiety

  • This Phase of Life is Stupid

    See that smile?

    I’m not smiling now. I’m awake and it’s 1:55 am.

    I went to sleep at 10:00 pm.

    Been awake for an hour. I am so tired, but I can’t sleep.

    Even as I am typing this, I am yawning.

    I remember being told 8 gazillion things about the upcoming changes in my life when I was in health class in elementary school.

    No one prepares you for the changes that come later in life.

    And your options are limited.

    I am starting to read The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter, because I need some answers/guidance/relief.

    I’ve been reading Menopause/Perimenopause posts on Reddit.

    I’m commiserating with other women, and you know what?

    We’re all tired.

    This phase of life IS stupid.

    There needs to be more research…more doctors who do not say “Oh well, that’s the stage of life you’re in”.

    Because if men had to go through this, you bet the uproar would produce results.

    But instead, us “hormonal” women will continue to suffer…out loud…

    Screaming into the void.

  • Check In: First Week on Lower Antipsychotic Dose

    It’s been a full week.

    Things I have noticed:

    – a little fatigued

    – sometimes a little irritable

    – still leg bouncing

    – working through an anxiety spike is challenging

    I can say that’s been all so far. It’s really not that bad all things considered. I think the leg bouncing is more of a comfort mechanism more than anything, so that’s not such a big deal.

    Had a little moment yesterday where I worked my way through an anxiety spike. I did it without chewing the skin around my fingernails, so that was a win for sure.

    I’m letting myself feel the feelings, and talking my way through them, instead of trying to suppress everything like I used to do. Thankful for the tips therapy has provided in that regard.

    This will be my last week on the lower dose, then I will be completely off Abilify. I will be on vacation for the end of the med, which is good, in case things go a little wonky.

    Will keep you all in the loop once I totally come off and let you know how I am doing.

    Fingers crossed the symptoms stay as they have been!

    Until next time.

  • Bye Bye AntiPsychotic

    It’s been almost a week of me weaning off my antipsychotic.

    This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. There were various discussions with my team.

    Having therapy every two weeks has made a big difference in my anxiety levels, and I am chewing the skin around my fingernails less.

    Being fortunate enough to have therapy as often as I do was one of the biggest factors in this decision.

    Learning new coping skills has been a great help.

    I’m still bouncing my leg, but I think that may also be a habit now more than anything. My leg bouncers will get it. It’s almost comforting at times.

    I have one more week of weaning and then I am off completely.

    Am I worried?

    A little.

    But I know I have the supports in place, and if necessary I can go back on the lower dose.

    So, let’s hope I make out okay on this little journey.

    Stay tuned for an update after I am fully done!

  • Newfoundland Adventures

    It has been a week since my visit to Newfoundland.

    It is a beautiful province, and if you’ve never been I highly recommend.

    I spent my time on the Avalon Peninsula and did some hiking.

    In St. John’s, there is Pippy Park, which I would compare to Victoria Park in Truro, Nova Scotia (no big waterfalls though). Lots of hills and stairs to work muscles you totally forgot you had, lol.

    It was a beautiful day for hiking!

    The second hiking adventure was a portion of the East Coast Trail, and included the LaManche Suspension Bridge. Hiked until we got to a spot where I was nervous (trail width was questionable and the drop to the ocean was a little too steep) so a turn around to head back was necessary, haha. Might chance it the next time!

    Quite an appetite was worked up, so a stop at Keith’s Diner on the way back to town was required for some refuelling.

    Chicken Wings and Fries with Dressing and Gravy

    The last nice day was a hike around a lake in Torbay. Got a little muddy on that one, lol.

    All in all it was a fantastic trip, and I am looking forward to another visit!

  • Growth

    I’ve been on a journey.

    Through therapy I have found that I am growing and learning.

    With my new relationship I am in a safe space, and it has allowed me to open up and not be afraid of expressing myself.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, because I still have them.

    I’m getting better at explaining how I feel on those days, and I am coping better.

    I’ve started reading again, and I am opening up myself to learning new things, both at work and home.

    Am I scared? Yep.

    Scared of feeling okay, scared of things going south, and scared of getting hurt. But that’s okay. It’s normal to be feeling these things.

    I’m no longer shoving those feelings down to “deal with later”. I’m learning to be uncomfortable to get to being comfortable.

    It’s a day by day thing, and it’s not going to be easy.

    But I’m ready.

  • I’m Hanging Up My Racing Shoes

    This has been a decision I’ve been struggling with for some time now.

    I’ve had some amazing experiences racing (hello Team Myles!!) and have accumulated some hardware that hangs in my front hall.

    I’m not stopping running, just the racing.

    I started out running for the pure fun in 2011, and as it sits right now, the whole racing aspect has turned into a chore. I want to run for the fun of it again.

    I’ve been struggling with perimenopause and my runs have sometimes been a ride on the struggle bus. Trying to adapt to this new experience has been rough.

    My brain has also been struggling with the whole race idea and the pressure I put in myself can be tremendous. I have even deleted my Strava account so I don’t stress out about where and when I run.

    It’s time to give myself a break and run for the fun of it again. To find the joy in movement.

    I’ll probably volunteer at races, just to see the joy of others finishing their races will be enough to fill my bucket.

    So if you see me out and about, say hey!

    I’ll be cruising the trails around my area and out at the BLT.

  • Goodbye Foundation

    And eyeliner.

    And mascara.

    And bronzer.

    I have been slowly transitioning to a tinted moisturizer.

    I have gotten to the point where I am just not into foundation anymore. It doesn’t feel good on my face and it has ruined the collars on my coats.

    Also, good foundation is expensive, and I’m done shelling out money that could be put towards things I really need.

    My priorities are shifting. I no longer need to look a certain way, or to hide behind foundation (which I was doing, it was a mask for me).

    Today was day one (outside of weekends) of my journey with just tinted moisturizer.

    I found this brand via social media, and get it through Amazon.

    It’s light and has an SPF. My face feels great.

    I will admit, I was very self conscious. My daughter and her friend were my hype women when I got home today and announced I had done my first work day without makeup (get yourself some hype women, it’s worth it).

    I don’t even think anyone really noticed to be honest.

    It felt freeing, AND it gave me back precious time in the morning when getting ready for work.

    I’m also curious to see if my skin does its weird little breakouts now that I’ve moved on. Also, how will my brain try to sabotage me? That’s the big question.

    Stay tuned. I’ll be sharing more of this journey in the coming weeks!

  • And So We Begin Again

    My first Parkrun, but starting out walking

    So.

    Running.

    Haven’t been doing it regular like.

    Decided I really need to, for my mental health more than anything.

    So this weekend I went to my first Parkrun.

    For those of you who are unfamiliar, Parkrun is a free timed 5k event run by volunteers. You register, get a barcode, and take that barcode with you to the event.

    You can run, walk, or run/walk the event. At the end you scan your barcode and the chip they give you. Your time is recorded and that’s it!

    I was thankful to run into friends for my first time around. We started out walking and the did a nice slow pace for running. It was a great way to get back into something I’ve been doing since 2011. I really moss getting out and hitting the pavement for some stress relief.

    I’ll be taking it slow and steady through the winter months, hopefully building up a good base for the spring/summer.

    I am looking at races and may wait until the spring/summer to tackle those, we’ll see how the winter treats me!

    For now, some small trips around the neighbourhood and Parkrun on Saturdays to start.

    So glad I took the first step this weekend.

    Here’s to more KMs under my belt!

  • It’s That Weird Time

    You know, those days in between Christmas and the New Year where you can’t remember what day it is and you’re eating chocolate for breakfast…and living in your sweatpants.

    It’s also when people start reflecting and thinking about the year to come.

    You know what?

    It’s okay to not have resolutions. It’s okay to not have a plan for 2024. I don’t have one. Nor do I do resolutions. It’s too hard on my brain. Also, I would self sabotage so there really is no point.

    My mental illness would go into overdrive and I am not risking my mental health setting up expectations that I can’t reach.

    I’m going to take things day by day. Like I am now. I woke up with no plans and I’m just playing it by ear. Do I get restless? Yes. But then I just try and find something to occupy my time. I ask myself why I am restless and narrow it down to what I need (a snack, water, get outside, human interaction).

    I can usually calm my restlessness. If I can’t, I hop in the car and go for a drive.

    Naps also work, lol.

    So don’t stress if you don’t have it all figured out for 2024. Just worry about today. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

  • Do You Trust Your Instincts?

    That is the writing prompt of the day.

    I don’t think I’m trusting them as much as I should.

    I tend to doubt my instincts thanks to my mentally ill brain.

    I have, on more than one occasion, kicked myself in the arse for not trusting what my gut tells me. I always want to see the good in people. But that has burned me a few times in the past.

    So then the doubt kicks in. Is my gut right? Is this a false negative? Or a false positive? Should I really trust what my gut is telling me, or is it my brain interfering?

    That is my struggle. But more often than not, my instincts are right.

    It’s a matter of trust. I need to start trusting what my instincts are telling me.

    Trust, that’s a whole other issue, lol.

    There are times I can’t trust my brain, so attempting to trust my instincts creates some inner turmoil.

    I need to stop thinking that I need to react immediately and take the time to think about what I am doing in making the decision when it is time.

    Flight or freeze really creates issues in my world. I need to find a happy medium to get back in the green zone.

    It will take some time, but I think that slowing down and not immediately reacting (unless it’s necessary) will help me out.

    Fingers crossed. Let’s see how it goes!