The Midlife Reframe

Category: mental illness

  • Sundays and Random Things

    Over the past few years my interest in reading has been spotty, as well as my interest in crochet.

    I’m starting to get that interest back, and I am not forcing things.

    Sunday mornings will be for reading, as it is a nice slow start to the day as the work week looms ahead.

    Depression is a funny thing. I no longer fight it. I have been riding the wave, especially with perimenopause.

    HRT has definitely made things manageable. It has been a godsend.

    The psoriasis on the outside of my ears has moved inside, which has made me want to tear the inside out. I have been putting my Dovabet in there and it has been helping.

    The HRT has more or less stopped my hot hot flashes and night sweats. Win!

    We are growing tomatoes on the balcony, along with some blueberries. This is helping with my depression as well, looking after something that will produce food!

    It has been hard doing that this year, as well are having extremely dry conditions. I have been using bottled water to keep them going.

    Thinking about planting some herbs next year.

    Not wishing away the summer, but I am looking forward to the fall. It is my favourite season.

    For now, I will continue to hope that we get some rain and enjoy the rest of the summer.

  • And then…..

    Here I am, hoping that I am on the path to burnout recovery.

    I’m getting some energy back, and I don’t want to hide from everyone all the time (only about 85% of the time, lol).

    I’m still on hormone replacement therapy…pills and gel because the patch is not available and always on back order. I am certain that this has been holding me together.

    I have fully embraced my “fuck it” era. I say what needs to said now.

    Therapy helps, a lot.

    I’m also planning for an event for next fall, and this is sparking up my creative brain. I am a planner, so diving into something has been refreshing.

    Vacation is coming up soon. I see beach time in my future and I’ve booked an overnight in a glamping dome.

    I’m using those two weeks to recharge and recover.

    A lot of things are changing, and most of them are for the good.

    This is a short and sweet check in.

    I’m currently on my balcony relaxing, and I hope you are finding the time to unwind and breathe.

    Until next time!

  • Am I Still Stressed? I think I’m Still Stressed

    Fidget Ball

    There was this little span of time.

    Just a little one.

    I thought that I was in “recovery”.

    Dear Friends,

    I was not in recovery. It was a facade I had willingly accepted because I needed to be okay. I needed to NOT be in burnout. The fatigue is still there. My motivation, gone. I want to sleep…ALL THE TIME. It takes everything in me to get up and get going. I just DON’T WANT TO.

    I have been here before.

    I would rather not be here.

    I tend to hermit in these conditions. Isolation is my solace.

    I don’t have the energy most days to connect. I want to come home after work and sleep.

    This isn’t good for anyone.

    I honestly do not know where to start. How do I turn this around? Can I turn this around?

    Can I survive this, again?

    I ponder this every morning. Can I conjure up a plan that will work?

    I’m surrounded by people I love at home. They help me as much as they can. But there are things that only I can do.

    So I need to start writing things out. Feelings, thoughts, ideas.

    Maybe then I can navigate this world I am in.

    This post is not exactly uplifting, but I’ve always been real about where I am when I write.

    So until I dig out, it’s not going to be good times. There may be a glimmer of good every now and then, so if you can be patient as I navigate these bends in the road, I would like to share those glimmers as well.

    Take care of yourselves. Don’t get too encompassed by the news. Disconnect every now and then.

    I’m off to bed, hopefully get a good sleep, and start again tomorrow.

  • Recovery?? Or Attempting Recovery??

    So.

    I had therapy Thursday.

    I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.

    I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.

    I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.

    Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.

    Pure survival mode.

    Burnt the fuck out.

    After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.

    In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.

    We are far from a perfect world.

    My evenings and weekends are low key.

    I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.

    Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.

    It’s one day at a time.

    Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).

    Let’s see how June treats me.

  • Patch Shortage, Pills/Gel, and my Stupid Elbow

    I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy for a bit.

    When I had my refill done, they owed me a box of patches.

    I went to get my box at the Pharmacy on Saturday past….none.

    There is a “disruption in the manufacture” of my patch. it’s on back order and they don’t except it to be resolved until July.

    I was then at the mercy of the Pharmacist and my Doctor.

    So, on Wednesday the Pharmacist called to say my replacement was ready. I was sooooooo happy!

    I’m now on Progesterone pills and Estrogel.

    Gotta say, gel is not my favourite. It’s applied to my forearm (two pumps) and rubbed in. Then it’s sticky, and I can’t put anything long sleeved on until it dries. Boooooo.

    BUT, it’s something. I’ll take whatever if it means I won’t become an unbearable human.

    I’ve also been having issues with my left elbow….nerve issues.

    I have ulnar neuropathy. And unless it’s debilitating, there’s nothing they can do. So, I bought gel pads for my office chair. May also get a brace.

    It will take two months for it to calm down. And I have no patience, lol.

    I’m also still on a mission to stick to my boundaries, and it’s going pretty good.

    Been keeping my mental health at the forefront. So far, so good.

    Stay tuned for more in the coming weeks on my gel odyssey – HAHA!

  • Another Week

    This week was a bit of an up and down event.

    I’m finding that I am getting my energy back, and I’m able to handle my days better.

    Keeping my boundaries at work is making a difference.

    Taking care of myself, and getting the rest I need is also helping.

    It’s Mother’s Day, and sunny. I have always known how the weather affects my mood, and I am thankful that after the grey and rainy day yesterday I am able to enjoy a boost in mood.

    Also, summer vacation will be something to look forward to. Will need to plan that out soon, so I can get it in my work calendar and have a much needed break with my peeps!

    I hope that this increase in energy is the turning point in my burnout.

    I’m beginning to take other steps to safeguard my mental health, and moving forward is a big step.

    Increasing my learning, planning hikes, and giving myself permission to put myself first are some of the first steps once I am back at 100%.

    Let’s see how this week goes!

  • Checking In

    I feel like I need to keep writing. To get everything out so I’m not compartmentalizing.

    I’m fucking exhausted, of everything.

    Had a big ugly cry last night, which has resulted in a headache this morning.

    Facing things head on is not easy, and it’s hard. NOT A FAN, but it needs to be done. Therapy helps for sure. I’m absolutely more vulnerable after therapy, it’s like the ball rolling into 10 pins.

    Reality sucks.

    I’m thankful for many things. Having the supports in place outside of work is paramount.

    Having a small circle of people I can trust at work has made it bearable.

    My support human is now making sure I start getting outside and seeing other adult humans, because I’ve been in hermit mode. Great for depression and mental health crisis…NOT good for mental health recovery.

    I’m going to keep writing, and it may be rough going. I need to do this. But I’m going to share the good stuff too!

    So if you can bear with me while I work my way through this maze…we can come out on the other side, together 🤍

  • On The Struggle Bus…Again

    Survival Mode.

    I am in it, again.

    The past two months have been hard. I am close to burnout.

    It’s a fine line, medicated or not. Am I thankful for my meds? 1000%

    My antidepressants and the HRT are keeping me alert, and stable. I’m pretty sure it has kept me aware of where I am on a mental health level.

    Therapy is another key. Being able to check in with someone who is objective and will help me work through the jumbles in my brain has been worth everything.

    Home is the safe space. Even when things are chaotic there, I know I can unload, unwind, and be a lump on the couch if I need to. I have a supportive family.

    It’s hard to gauge some days if I am at my breaking point. Is it a day where I cry in my office? When I come home and cry?

    I tell myself I will know when I need to throw in the towel…but will I? Will I be able to admit to myself that it’s time?

    One thing I have learned over the years, especially those AFTER my depression, is that I need to come first. That gets lost sometimes, because you get into a routine and things get comfortable. It’s hard for a reforming people pleaser to stop trying to take care of others first and make sure you are putting yourself at the helm.

    Unfortunately it took me longer than I wanted to be aware of the state I am in. It took my therapist saying the words “survival mode” to snap me back into reality.

    So now I am taking steps to get myself back.

    Making sure I get enough rest is paramount. Sleep is important.

    Then it’s making sure I eat properly.

    I need to start moving again to make sure my body is also taken care of. I have downloaded the AllTrails app and will start exploring.

    Some side notes: HRT is still working well for me. I am having issues with the ulnar nerve in my left elbow – which has been going on for a while, but at first I thought it may have been a B12 deficiency. Not the case. I have a doctor’s appointment this week coming up.

    I’m off to have a nap now.

    Take care of yourselves, and I’ll be back within the next couple of weeks!

  • My New Normal

    Right Before Nap Time, LOL

    Here I am.

    Minimal hot flashes, minimal night sweats, more mental clarity, ears not as itchy, and the ability to focus more.

    Some things that I still experience: feeling like my skin is crawling, the odd rage moment, some instances of insomnia, and I still have depression (lol).

    The Estalis is working for me overall, and I am very glad that I sat down with my doctor to discuss how much I was suffering.

    We are so fortunate to have choices. It can be unfortunate if you have a doctor that will not listen to you. Having to advocate for yourself is frustrating.

    I am extremely lucky. My doctor has been my doctor for over 30 years, delivered my daughter, is a woman, and stays up to date.

    If she ever retires, I will be soooooo sad.

    In other news, things are still sideways. It’s day by day. There have been some eye opening exchanges.

    I am thankful for therapy. Being able to hash things out and know that what I am feeling is valid, is a comfort.

    I may cut back to biweekly posts for now, unless something weird happens with my HRT.

    So, keep an eye out.

    I’ll be updating you as things progress!

  • Week 5: Adjustment

    I’ve been going through some tough times.

    When will they end? Not sure.

    I can say this, between my Pristiq and the Estalis, it’s kept me kind of stable. But it’s not a solution to the situation.

    Did I have a meltdown this week? 100% I did.

    Here’s the thing though: being medicated does NOT mean I can tolerate more. It keeps me at a baseline.

    The fact that I have gotten to the point where I have been broken, means it’s time to readjust my priorities.

    The clarity I have been given by the Estalis is helping. I’m not getting bogged down with brain fog, so talking things out has been helpful.

    Being brutally honest about things is my new avenue. No longer hiding when things are 1) not right, and 2) when I am not doing well.

    Hiding is no longer an option.

    (On a totally hormonal note: I had a 24 day cycle. I’m not thrilled, especially after my last two longer ones. Not sure if it is just peri or my body adjusting. Time will tell I guess… and the doc said it could take 3 months to fully adjust.)

    What will the week ahead bring?? Who knows.

    But I know this: I won’t be hiding.