The Midlife Reframe

Category: tired

  • And On That Note…

    This photo has nothing to do with this post. Yacht is my father’s new service dog, and we are all very happy he is now part of the family.

    I’m awake when I should be asleep. Nothing out of the ordinary in this world of perimenopause – just extremely aggravating when a couple of hours ago I came to bed because of how exhausted I was.

    Things are good, and I have nothing that is keeping me from going to sleep (well, that I know of).

    I have settled into my role and stepping into projects.

    Diving back into legal tech, and exploring all the options and possibilities.

    I take my ingestion of news in pieces, because if I don’t it robs me of the small joys.

    I bought a bike, and plan on getting back out there after I get a helmet and water bottle holder (I bought my fiance and I new bike bells for the trails).

    I’m finally in a place where I am comfortable with the skin I am in.

    Yet, as I yawn while writing this post…sleep eludes me.

    So, I think I will make myself a cup of tea and pick up a book, in the hopes that I will be able to put my head down soon and rest.

    I have so much more to write, I just need get my thoughts sorted.

    See you soon.

  • Recovery?? Or Attempting Recovery??

    So.

    I had therapy Thursday.

    I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.

    I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.

    I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.

    Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.

    Pure survival mode.

    Burnt the fuck out.

    After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.

    In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.

    We are far from a perfect world.

    My evenings and weekends are low key.

    I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.

    Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.

    It’s one day at a time.

    Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).

    Let’s see how June treats me.

  • Checking In

    I feel like I need to keep writing. To get everything out so I’m not compartmentalizing.

    I’m fucking exhausted, of everything.

    Had a big ugly cry last night, which has resulted in a headache this morning.

    Facing things head on is not easy, and it’s hard. NOT A FAN, but it needs to be done. Therapy helps for sure. I’m absolutely more vulnerable after therapy, it’s like the ball rolling into 10 pins.

    Reality sucks.

    I’m thankful for many things. Having the supports in place outside of work is paramount.

    Having a small circle of people I can trust at work has made it bearable.

    My support human is now making sure I start getting outside and seeing other adult humans, because I’ve been in hermit mode. Great for depression and mental health crisis…NOT good for mental health recovery.

    I’m going to keep writing, and it may be rough going. I need to do this. But I’m going to share the good stuff too!

    So if you can bear with me while I work my way through this maze…we can come out on the other side, together 🤍

  • On The Struggle Bus…Again

    Survival Mode.

    I am in it, again.

    The past two months have been hard. I am close to burnout.

    It’s a fine line, medicated or not. Am I thankful for my meds? 1000%

    My antidepressants and the HRT are keeping me alert, and stable. I’m pretty sure it has kept me aware of where I am on a mental health level.

    Therapy is another key. Being able to check in with someone who is objective and will help me work through the jumbles in my brain has been worth everything.

    Home is the safe space. Even when things are chaotic there, I know I can unload, unwind, and be a lump on the couch if I need to. I have a supportive family.

    It’s hard to gauge some days if I am at my breaking point. Is it a day where I cry in my office? When I come home and cry?

    I tell myself I will know when I need to throw in the towel…but will I? Will I be able to admit to myself that it’s time?

    One thing I have learned over the years, especially those AFTER my depression, is that I need to come first. That gets lost sometimes, because you get into a routine and things get comfortable. It’s hard for a reforming people pleaser to stop trying to take care of others first and make sure you are putting yourself at the helm.

    Unfortunately it took me longer than I wanted to be aware of the state I am in. It took my therapist saying the words “survival mode” to snap me back into reality.

    So now I am taking steps to get myself back.

    Making sure I get enough rest is paramount. Sleep is important.

    Then it’s making sure I eat properly.

    I need to start moving again to make sure my body is also taken care of. I have downloaded the AllTrails app and will start exploring.

    Some side notes: HRT is still working well for me. I am having issues with the ulnar nerve in my left elbow – which has been going on for a while, but at first I thought it may have been a B12 deficiency. Not the case. I have a doctor’s appointment this week coming up.

    I’m off to have a nap now.

    Take care of yourselves, and I’ll be back within the next couple of weeks!

  • What To Do

    It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.

    So many changes.

    Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.

    I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.

    I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.

    I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.

    Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.

    One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.

    I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.

    I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.

    Navigating all this is challenging.

    Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.

    What does the road ahead look like?

    Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.

    As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.

    Stay tuned as I move forward on this new path!

  • Voices in My Head

    Pandemic + Mental Illness = War.

    It’s an inner war and I haven’t been rallying the troops like I should be. The enemy has been winning small battles these past couple of weeks.

    It’s time to sit down and rewrite my battle plan. Morale is in the toilet, so I need to pump up the troops so we can start pushing forward.

    It’s not going to happen overnight, and I realize that it will be hard to not listen to the self doubt voices that reside in my brain. Sometimes they can be VERY convincing. They know where my wiring is off and utilize that against me.

    They take the “I am” part of me and turn it into “How about no”, or “It can wait for another day”. It makes me believe that I have “better things” to do.

    I’ve never been one for positive self talk. I find it feels like I am being condescending towards myself. I have a few “power phrases” that can get me over a hill, but to spout off things to myself every day is not going to happen. It’s just not who I am.

    I will have to dig deep again and find my inner warrior. The fighter. The one who can tell those self doubt voices to fuck off. Because THAT is who I am.

    So take note motherfuckers, I am making a new battle plan. Those voices? They can go to hell.

  • Awake at 2am

    It’s now 3:32am as I type this and I am wide awake.

    One cat is legit right beside me purring in my face. The other just went from the chair to underneath my bed.

    This will be gross if I don’t go back to sleep.

    I am going to blame this on my bladder. If I didn’t have to pee I’d still be asleep.

    Why? Why did thou forsake me bladder?

    Ugh.

    I’ll probably be awake now for the rest of the day, or I’ll go back to sleep at 5am.

    Not sure what is going on in the innermost workings of my brain to keep me awake like this. But it sure is annoying.

    Maybe I’m hungry. I should go and make some toast.

    But if I do that, will it just keep me awake longer?

    Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

    I’m going to make some toast.

    Stupid brain (and maybe stomach, definitely bladder).

    Good Morning World….sigh.

  • Waiting to Come Out On The Other Side

    I am into week 2 of the booster (Abilify) for my anti-depressants.

    It’s been a bit of ride, but not necessarily a bad one.

    The first week: I was restless and I couldn’t sit still. I am still a bit restless, bit that is starting to subside.

    I also found it hard to get to sleep the first week, but that has remedied itself as well.

    After my initial post about taking Abilify, I panicked. I was certain everyone would Google the drug and think “Wow, she’s psychotic too?”

    Let’s be clear: my brain had me convinced of this. It almost made me believe that people would avoid me, stop talking to me, and no longer want to be my friend.

    I remember the pharmacist telling me to just keep taking the dose, even if I didn’t think it was working, and that after 2-4 weeks I would start to see a difference.

    Am I noticing ANY difference?

    I am. Sort of. It’s little things, but: I am starting to notice a slow decrease in my itching (yay!).

    Being patient is hard, but I am doing my best to give this time.

    If it gets me to where I need to be, it will be worth it 🙂

    @crazymamaruns