There are times that I may look like this on the outside – but inside, I feel like hot garbage.
Here’s the kicker: I am not always willing to say I am not okay. There is a reason, if I say I am not doing great everyone around me thinks they have to fix it.
They are coming from a place of love, and I fully understand that, but for a lot of folks there are differing levels of not okay.
For me, they look like this:
Level 1: Not great, but not in need of assistance. I just need to feel it and have a blanket fort kind of day.
Level 2: May have some increased anxiety latching onto the depression. I may be a little snappy, but just bear with me. (Right now there are also hormones at play here with perimenopause)
Level 3: Imposter Syndrome. The voices in my head are winning, and I believe I am totally incapable of everything. This includes my amazing job, that I am not too shabby at. I do not recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.
Level 4: Rumination. This is a slow roll, and you may not even notice it. I will at some point convince myself that I have been done wrong, and will need to rectify this issue immediately. This will contain a deep dive into a rabbit hole to justify my outcome.
Level 5: I am no longer in control. Depression and anxiety have me fully enveloped. I will cry for no reason. I will not want to shower, or get out of bed. I may recognize that I need help, but I may not be able to say it.
Level 6: A level I have not reached, but have thought about in the past. This is where I do not want to be here, at all. This is a 911 situation.
Most of the time, I can safely say that I sit between Levels 1 and 2.
Intensely stressful times can move me up to Level 3, and if there is no relief that I can immediately recognize, I WILL move into Level 4.
So it is time to share this with everyone, and I will now start to address my levels when asked how I am doing.
It is something that will benefit everyone involved, and save me internal stress.
Do note: If I seem upset when you ask me, do not take it personally. I am upset because my brain is being an ass.
If you think I look off, ask me.
Always.
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