The Midlife Reframe

Tag: anxiety

  • Patch Shortage, Pills/Gel, and my Stupid Elbow

    I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy for a bit.

    When I had my refill done, they owed me a box of patches.

    I went to get my box at the Pharmacy on Saturday past….none.

    There is a “disruption in the manufacture” of my patch. it’s on back order and they don’t except it to be resolved until July.

    I was then at the mercy of the Pharmacist and my Doctor.

    So, on Wednesday the Pharmacist called to say my replacement was ready. I was sooooooo happy!

    I’m now on Progesterone pills and Estrogel.

    Gotta say, gel is not my favourite. It’s applied to my forearm (two pumps) and rubbed in. Then it’s sticky, and I can’t put anything long sleeved on until it dries. Boooooo.

    BUT, it’s something. I’ll take whatever if it means I won’t become an unbearable human.

    I’ve also been having issues with my left elbow….nerve issues.

    I have ulnar neuropathy. And unless it’s debilitating, there’s nothing they can do. So, I bought gel pads for my office chair. May also get a brace.

    It will take two months for it to calm down. And I have no patience, lol.

    I’m also still on a mission to stick to my boundaries, and it’s going pretty good.

    Been keeping my mental health at the forefront. So far, so good.

    Stay tuned for more in the coming weeks on my gel odyssey – HAHA!

  • Checking In

    I feel like I need to keep writing. To get everything out so I’m not compartmentalizing.

    I’m fucking exhausted, of everything.

    Had a big ugly cry last night, which has resulted in a headache this morning.

    Facing things head on is not easy, and it’s hard. NOT A FAN, but it needs to be done. Therapy helps for sure. I’m absolutely more vulnerable after therapy, it’s like the ball rolling into 10 pins.

    Reality sucks.

    I’m thankful for many things. Having the supports in place outside of work is paramount.

    Having a small circle of people I can trust at work has made it bearable.

    My support human is now making sure I start getting outside and seeing other adult humans, because I’ve been in hermit mode. Great for depression and mental health crisis…NOT good for mental health recovery.

    I’m going to keep writing, and it may be rough going. I need to do this. But I’m going to share the good stuff too!

    So if you can bear with me while I work my way through this maze…we can come out on the other side, together 🤍

  • My New Normal

    Right Before Nap Time, LOL

    Here I am.

    Minimal hot flashes, minimal night sweats, more mental clarity, ears not as itchy, and the ability to focus more.

    Some things that I still experience: feeling like my skin is crawling, the odd rage moment, some instances of insomnia, and I still have depression (lol).

    The Estalis is working for me overall, and I am very glad that I sat down with my doctor to discuss how much I was suffering.

    We are so fortunate to have choices. It can be unfortunate if you have a doctor that will not listen to you. Having to advocate for yourself is frustrating.

    I am extremely lucky. My doctor has been my doctor for over 30 years, delivered my daughter, is a woman, and stays up to date.

    If she ever retires, I will be soooooo sad.

    In other news, things are still sideways. It’s day by day. There have been some eye opening exchanges.

    I am thankful for therapy. Being able to hash things out and know that what I am feeling is valid, is a comfort.

    I may cut back to biweekly posts for now, unless something weird happens with my HRT.

    So, keep an eye out.

    I’ll be updating you as things progress!

  • Diverticulitis, Liquid Diet, and I Want a Cheeseburger

    Well, it has been an interesting week.

    A little background:

    About 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with IBS. After meds and a diet change, I was able to control flare ups.

    I then went into remission for years.

    But….

    The past few weeks I have some instances of issues, which I attributed to the return of IBS. I went to the doctor and she prescribed some antispasmodics and sent me off for bloodwork.

    So last Saturday, I went for said bloodwork. Felt a little off. By the evening I started to have intense cramping and feeling unwell overall.

    Took the antispasmodics…nothing.

    I marched myself up to bed, turned in my heating pad and relaxed until bed.

    Sunday, no better, and had switched to a bland diet.

    Woke up Monday, and thought I was feeling better, but I started back with the cramping and nausea.

    Went to the ER Monday afternoon, and they were over capacity. I had a five minute assessment. The doctor told me to come back in the morning.

    Was told to take Tylenol while I was there Monday. It didn’t even take the edge off.

    So, Monday morning my mother picked me up way before daylight. We drove out and I was fourth in line.

    After some tests, and a doctor’s physical assessment, I was diagnosed with diverticulitis.

    I was given a prescription for Amoxiclav and Naproxen, and also sent home with Tylenol 3, was advised on a diet, and told to have a colonoscopy in 3 months.

    I’m not really hopeful on the colonoscopy in 3 months, because our healthcare system is awful and slow and understaffed.

    Got the meds, went home, and went horizontal. The fatigue was unreal.

    So, taking mega antibiotics on a liquid only diet is NOT good on the stomach. It elevated the nausea.

    Long story getting longer, I was horizontal until about Thursday.

    I was able to get up and eat soft foods. That definitely made a difference when it came to the antibiotics.

    My strength started to come back.

    I started feeling human on Friday.

    Starting to slowly introduce food back into my diet.

    I really really really really want a cheeseburger.

    Knowing that this could possibly happen again, not a fan.

    Adjusting my diet again, and reading up on this godforsaken condition.

    This where I’m at.

    I’m hoping this is it for the weirdness that is 2024.

    Stay tuned…I’ll keep posting any other weird events!

  • What To Do

    It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.

    So many changes.

    Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.

    I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.

    I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.

    I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.

    Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.

    One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.

    I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.

    I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.

    Navigating all this is challenging.

    Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.

    What does the road ahead look like?

    Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.

    As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.

    Stay tuned as I move forward on this new path!

  • Don’t Come At Me With Your “Diets“

    Or your cleanses. Or your meal plans. Or your supplements.

    I’ve tried lots of things for my body over the years. I’ve also not given my body the respect it deserves. I’ve treated it badly and denied it what it needs to sustain me.

    Even during training for races, I know I haven’t eaten enough. I was too worried about “getting bigger”, instead of worrying about “am I fuelling my body correctly?”

    I really realized during the pandemic how much I was neglecting giving my body the nutrients and calories it needed to keep me going. I was tired, bogged down, and just plan flatlining with everything I was doing.

    Am I bigger now? Yes. Do I really care? No. Can I still be active? Yes.

    I know that I am healthy. I do not have a medical condition that requires any special diets, like celiac or diabetes. I am very lucky.

    It’s time to start taking care of me in a way that’s GOOD for me. No more stressing over calories. Eating good food and moving is what is important.

    Don’t say I need a cleanse…your liver does that for you. Don’t say I need a specific fitness diet…I am not a pro athlete. Don’t say I need supplements…because I don’t.

    If I am not feeling right, I see my doctor, we get bloodwork done and she will tell me what I need to do to get back on track. If it is nutrition we need to work on, she can refer me to someone.

    I’m done neglecting and disrespecting my body. I eat for me and I move for me.

    I know what works for my body, and I am driving this machine. I know what’s good for it.

    Let me navigate this road as I see fit, for me.

  • And I Hurt Myself

    Smiling but in pain

    So, in true Amy fashion, I hurt myself last week on my Saturday run.

    Things were going great during the out and back route in Point Pleasant Park.

    Then we ran down a significant hill. We had a small flat area, and the started up a small incline….

    That’s when I felt a twinge and thought, ow. But I kept on running for two more intervals. Stupid me should have stopped running at the first twinge.

    I walked the rest of the route with one of the Team Myles Mentors I was running with, and we talked about injuries and treatments.

    I really knew it was bad when we all gathered to stretch. I couldn’t stretch. It started to hurt more.

    I drove home and immediately put my leg up with an ice pack. I’ve had this pain before, and hoping that I’ve caught it so it wasn’t too bad.

    That afternoon, I had a shoe fitting at Aerobics First for some new sneakers. I hobbled in and was fitted for some new sneakers. A lovely pair of Hoka Bondis.

    After hobbling back to the car, I head home again, put on a compression sleeve and did another round of ice.

    I am thankful that I was able to get into my physiotherapist on the Monday, where he confirmed one of my suspicions: a strained calf. He said it was also possible that some fibres from my Achilles let go as well (wah). Good news: treatment for both is the same.

    I haven’t run since that Saturday, and I’ve only been cleared to walk for 20 mins. I am listening to my physiotherapist and my body. Doing what I need to do so I can get back out running safely.

    Fingers crossed that I get some fitness upgrades after my next couple of physio sessions.

    Until then, this is an injured runner signing off!

  • Absent, to be Present

    I’m on a bit of a social media break (which will be ironic, because I’ll be posting this on social media, lol) so I can be present and show up in my life.

    I’ve been absent for quite some time. Detached from things since COVID-19 reared it’s ugly head. Been living in fight or flight for far too long. So I am taking a step back for a couple of weeks to readjust and be with my family, and getting used to physically being back in the office full time.

    I am sitting back, watching, listening and learning. I am reconnecting with myself during this little disconnect. It’s good for mind and body.

    I need this. Being distracted and not focused is not good for my brain. I need direction and goals to work towards, and I’ve lost that.

    I may be doing these little breaks more often, to stay engaged and aware. I think we all need a disconnect every now and then.

    So, the next couple of weeks will be my reset, then I am going on vacation. I plan on taking lots of videos and pictures to share, so stay tuned.

    Until then I am channeling my energy to the things that matter most, to me.

    Ciao!

  • These Precious Illusions

    It’s hard to keep smiling these days. I do my best to find something in each day that makes me happy, or gives me a smile.

    I am lucky to have my daughter living with me during this surreal time. We make each other laugh, and are there for each other when things are not so funny.

    I’d like to think this whole pandemic will be over sooner rather than later.

    Illusions of summer drives, family gatherings, vacations, going to Farmers Markets and being able to just enjoy waterfront walks constantly fill my head.

    Reality on the other hand, bites.

    I am slowly getting used to working at home. Having the opportunity to do so is something I am extremely grateful for during these times, but doing it every single day without human contact with my team and colleagues is challenging.

    I ordered a chair which should get to me by early May, as I am now sitting on a dining room chair at my desk. My daily breaks are news pressers.

    I know I should take a break from the news, but it’s wanting to be in the know that keeps me partially sane. Weird, I know. You’d think that I would want to shield myself to keep my mental health stable.

    I hang on to what I can control right now, in a world out of control.

    Times have changed. It’s like living in a nightmare .

    So, I keep day dreaming of better days. Keeping those precious illusions close.

  • Swimming Against the Current

    I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?

    Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.

    It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.

    You think you are making headway.

    You look up.

    You’re in the same spot.

    You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.

    Same. Fucking. Spot.

    This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.

    (Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)

    I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.

    I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.

    I can’t control much of anything.

    But I can ‘keep swimming’.

    Even if it is upstream.

    @crazymamaruns