The Midlife Reframe

Blog

  • Got a New Drug

    So it’s been a journey, but we’ve hit a fork in the road.

    It was time to admit that my meds were not necessarily working like they used to.

    I’ve known this subconsciously for a while now. It just took some time for my conscious self to catch up.

    My endless need for more sleep, my disinterest in so many things that I once loved, my lack of motivation, lack of focus, and my lack of concentration were all staring me in the face. I just didn’t want to see them.

    I mean, I was on meds. They were helping me. I just must be in a slump…..for a really really long time.

    Depression and denial are bedfellows. One is connected to the other with super duper steel chains.

    It’s hard to break that connection. Hard to admit that maybe things are working like they are supposed to.

    It’s funny though, because I made my appointment to talk to my doctor not to talk about what was happening, but to refill my anti psychotic.

    She asked me how I was doing, and the words came out of my mouth: “Can I up the meds I am on, or would I have to try something new?”

    We had an honest discussion about how I was. I wasn’t good, and hadn’t been, for a while.

    The decision was made to take me off of Cipralex (SSRI) and put me on Pristiq (SNRI). I have to admit that it made me nervous.

    We discussed titration, and when to start my new med.

    (I am currently in titration mode, and will start my new med next weekend.)

    It’s going to take a while for things to change, and my support system has been notified. I have also apologized in advance for any mood swings or snippiness that may come out if me during this time.

    I’m optimistic, and hope that this is what works to get me back to doing the things I love.

    So, let’s see what next weekend brings with a whole new drug, shall we?

  • Paranoia

    Anxiety is full tilt lately.

    While I started working today, I had that sinking feeling: this usually snowballs into paranoia. Is someone coming after me for something I said? Am I getting fired? What if I fucked something up and no one is saying anything? Am I overstepping? Why is no one answering my emails?

    Today, the solution may be simple, because I realized I forgot to take my meds when I woke up. Luckily I am working at home today (it’s therapy day) so I was able to take them. Hopefully I’ll start to even out within the hour.

    Other days it may not be so easy. Other days I have to use other methods to even myself out. Sometimes that full on means telling people that I am in a state of flight. It is scary, but if people know where I am at, they tend to alleviate my worst fears.

    I’m not always forthcoming though, and it is to my detriment. Keeping these feelings inside just makes things worse, and really solves nothing. Part of my journey is to start expressing where I am at. To say things out loud so that they can be addressed.

    So today, I am saying it out loud: I forgot to take my meds and I am feeling paranoid.

    I’m going to get outside at lunch, and get some fresh air. Take in some of my surroundings. Just decompress so I don’t wind myself up.

    Thankful for therapy later this afternoon. I’m in need of it today!

  • Don’t Come At Me With Your “Diets“

    Or your cleanses. Or your meal plans. Or your supplements.

    I’ve tried lots of things for my body over the years. I’ve also not given my body the respect it deserves. I’ve treated it badly and denied it what it needs to sustain me.

    Even during training for races, I know I haven’t eaten enough. I was too worried about “getting bigger”, instead of worrying about “am I fuelling my body correctly?”

    I really realized during the pandemic how much I was neglecting giving my body the nutrients and calories it needed to keep me going. I was tired, bogged down, and just plan flatlining with everything I was doing.

    Am I bigger now? Yes. Do I really care? No. Can I still be active? Yes.

    I know that I am healthy. I do not have a medical condition that requires any special diets, like celiac or diabetes. I am very lucky.

    It’s time to start taking care of me in a way that’s GOOD for me. No more stressing over calories. Eating good food and moving is what is important.

    Don’t say I need a cleanse…your liver does that for you. Don’t say I need a specific fitness diet…I am not a pro athlete. Don’t say I need supplements…because I don’t.

    If I am not feeling right, I see my doctor, we get bloodwork done and she will tell me what I need to do to get back on track. If it is nutrition we need to work on, she can refer me to someone.

    I’m done neglecting and disrespecting my body. I eat for me and I move for me.

    I know what works for my body, and I am driving this machine. I know what’s good for it.

    Let me navigate this road as I see fit, for me.

  • Been a While

    I realized today that it has been a while since I’ve posted.

    Things are moving along. I am still in therapy. Learning a lot about myself.

    My daughter is doing better. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, so we are navigating this together. She is struggling with what she wants to do with her life now that she’s aware of her diagnosis and what that means.

    One step forward, two steps back. it’s a learning process for us both.

    I think we are finally heading into Spring here on the East Coast of Canada. Hoping to see some double digit temperatures soon.

    We signed up for a 5km race for the Bluenose Marathon next month, and we’ll see how that race goes. The struggle with our mental illnesses and getting moving has been real.

    The winter months were hard this year. Usually I can power through them. This year however, all I wanted to do was hibernate. Glad they are over!

    Our newest addition Eggs Benedict is still as feisty as he was the day we brought him home last summer. We think there may be some Siamese in him, but hard to confirm since he came from a hoarding situation. He is super loveable and adds much joy to our home.

    For now, we keep soaking up the sunny days and give ourselves some grace when it’s needed.

    Come back soon. I am full of words that are waiting to come out when I’m ready…..which will be in the next week.

  • I Love Sleep

    I really love sleep.

    As a matter of fact, I am in bed right now as I type this.

    It is 8:15 on a rainy Monday night.

    As much as I love my sleep, it can become a problem.

    It can be a problem because I have depression. Depression also loves sleep. Depression would like me to sleep the day away.

    Depression sleep is different from a good nights sleep. Depression sleep whispers how I am not good enough to enter the day and be with people. It whispers how easy it would be to just stay put, and keep my worthless ass where it is.

    This differs from Anxiety sleep. Anxiety sleep is broken. It is tossing and turning. It is worry and rumination. It is weird dreams that wake me up. It tires me out and makes me lethargic.

    I know what you’re thinking…..how can I love sleep?? Because there are nights that I close my eyes and drift off. I may still have weird dreams, but they’re not scary. They’re just your garden variety weird dreams.

    I also love Vacation sleep. That is when I do some of my best sleeping. It’s knowing I have nowhere to go and nothing to get up for. I can sleep as late as I want.

    Weekend sleep is good, but short lived. I can get some good sleeping in, but I feel guilty if I sleep in too long, and miss out on weekend stuff.

    So, I still love sleep, and I am working on getting better sleep so I’m a more well rested human.

    To that end, I will say good night.

    May you have a restful sleep.

    (I am not sure what kind of sleep I’ll have, but here’s to hoping it’s a good one!)

  • What I am Learning in Therapy

    I am stuck in a circle of flight and freeze.

    My exhaustion is valid. My energy is being spent in this circle. I need to readjust my nervous system.

    I have a lot of trauma to work through, and some vicarious trauma to take care of as well.

    It’s going to be a journey, and I know it’s not going to be easy.

    Am I hesitant? Fuck yes. Facing things I have been compartmentalizing is not going to be fun. I have a lot of boxes to unpack. Le sigh.

    I am super thankful for a great therapist who lets me unload and helps me navigate my feelings.

    I have a lot of feelings, lol.

    I didn’t realize how much I was keeping in boxes until I started spewing everything out.

    No wonder I am so tired.

    I gave myself permission over the holidays to spend time doing absolutely nothing. I have spent some time in bed watching Netflix, and watched the whole Harry Potter series in PJs. Also, Toblerone for breakfast – *chef’s kiss*

    I am going to share as much as I can, at least what I am comfortable sharing.

    Be patient with me, cause it’s gonna be intense at times.

    Roller coaster, here I come!

  • I’m Going to Therapy

    Yes, therapy.

    Some of you probably thought I may have already been going.

    Nope.

    I have been so concerned with the others in my life who need help, I have been neglecting someone important. Me.

    I finally bit the bullet and contacted a therapist this week. I have my first appointment next week, and I’m hoping we connect so I can start and end this journey with one human.

    I have been using other methods, and have gotten some help via chat when my daughter was struggling with suicidal thoughts, but have not taken the time to make sure I am getting the help I need.

    I am glad I have taken this step, and I am also nervous. Nervous because I know I will have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and face some stuff I have compartmentalized over the years.

    There is a part of me that wants to back out, I won’t lie. Facing things I have stuffed way deep down is scary.

    I just keep telling myself that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to release some of the demons that have been weighing me down. Maybe I can learn to be more graceful with myself.

    Maybe I will become more confident in my own skin.

    So many benefits of adding this to my toolbox.

    It’s about time.

    Let’s do this.

  • Scrambled Eggs

    I don’t really know how to write. Most of the time I just sit and type, hoping that what is coming out of my brain makes sense.

    Let’s face it, a mentally ill brain is a lot like scrambled eggs. A bunch of thoughts all shaken up and then plopped down on a plate, and you hope that what you’ve made is good.

    I’d like to think that most of the time I make some sense, but I know there are times when I don’t. I know there are times that I ramble on and sometimes repeat myself.

    I’m afraid that if I don’t get it all out of my head that I’ll forget to say something I find important. But it can get caught up in my jumbled thoughts and come out as a giant ball of irrational words.

    I need to learn how to pause, and breathe.

    In the moment, it’s hard. That pause may make me lose my train of thought, or so I think. But in all honesty it may give me that one moment of clarity that I am so desperately seeking.

    I was at a conference in Montreal this week. A lot of presentations focused on leadership. One thing I noticed was the ability of some of the presenters to have that uncomfortable pause. To wait for however many seconds before repeating a question, or moving on.

    I guess I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. To have that pause. To not be afraid of it.

    So I will be making a small not to have at my desk this week.

    Pause. Breathe. Start again.

    Here’s to finding clarity, and to being uncomfortable.

  • It’s Going…..

    Not really sure how it’s going, but it’s going.

    It’s been a roller coaster ride these past couple of months.

    I can report that my kiddo has found a psychologist that she is starting to work with, and that has taken a load off my shoulders. Her medication has been adjusted to a level that is working for her right now.

    We are slowly cleaning out the clutter in our apartment and making it the cozy haven we would like it to be. This included getting rid of the demon couch from Wayfair and getting a new couch which suits us much better and doesn’t make creaking noises every time we sit down (and make us wonder if it would continue to hold our weight).

    I lost a good friend to cancer last month, and that really spun me around. It was fast moving, and she was only 48 years old. It still seems so surreal.

    As always, a death makes you rethink your priorities. Usually, it’s for a short period of time and then things go back to the way they were. This one hit different. This one really makes me sit back and take stock in my life. I have a letterboard in my office that says, “Remember What Is Important”. Every time I get caught up in something, I look at it and remember what IS important.

    I am slowly shifting back to regular working hours and making sure I take time for me. This is making a difference in my daily outlook, and I am not so frigging tired all the time. It’s also making a big difference in my mental health as well.

    Losing track of priorities and boundaries really takes a toll on me. Remembering the human in me reminds me to take a step back.

    Stop.

    Breathe.

    Start again.

    A pause is always good, and a deep breath to go along with it is even better.

    It’s time to hit the reset button.

    Time to start fresh, and clean out the cobwebs.

  • Update and The New Kitten

    Mr. Eggs Benedict

    It’s been a rough go this past little while.

    Some med adjustments for my daughter have happened, with one as recent as I sit and write this post.

    I can report that she is doing better than she was, but we are still in an uphill battle.

    We now have some recommendations for a Psychiatrist and I am going to have to pay out of pocket, but it will be worth it if it helps her move forward.

    There are other things happening in my world, but those stories are not mine to share. Let’s just say it’s been a trying time.

    On a positive note, physical activity seems to help. We just need to do more of it. That is the struggle some days, getting out the door. My daughter’s anxiety will sometimes make it difficult, but we do what we can.

    One thing that seems to be helping is our latest addition to the household. Mr. Eggs Benedict joined us from the SPCA, and is a little ball of energy.

    A moment of solitude

    He is keeping my daughter occupied and her mind off of “everything wrong”. It has been a blessing to have this little man join our other two cats.

    (The introduction process has been slow, as we have one geriatric cat and a younger cat. But it’s coming along.)

    Sometimes a welcome distraction is what you need.

    We’ll just continue to take it day by day.