The Midlife Reframe

Blog

  • Sad Days

    As I sit and type this, I worry.

    My daughter is not doing well.

    It’s been almost 2 weeks since she has started to have suicidal thoughts.

    She left her job because of it, before she saw a physician, because it was unbearable. We were not able to get her an appointment right away, and she was not going to continue to suffer at work.

    She’s under the care of our family physician and her medication has been adjusted significantly.

    I am very lucky. She came to me. She talked to me, and we are navigating this as a family.

    As a Mom, it’s devastating. I am now in a constant state of worry. Trying to take care of myself is hard. The first instinct is to tend to her and push myself to the side. My family reminds me to take care of myself, and I am thankful for that.

    The state of mental heath care is scary. Hearing the stories of people being turned away, people not being given the access to the care they so desperately need, made me forego taking her to Emerg when she first came to me.

    We are managing this with our family physician, and for now, it is working.

    My hope is that we can get a psychologist, but paying outright for one is hard (my daughter is not under a plan), and getting one through the mental health system? Well, it’s going to take forever.

    I am trying to gather up any free resources I can find, and have the telephone numbers of crisis lines if needed.

    We are taking things day by day. That’s the way of it for now.

    Thankful for my support system, and thankful she is still here with me.

    We’ll keep fighting this together.

  • Post Covid, Vacation, and other Random Things

    Well, let me tell you one thing. Covid wasn’t great. Sickest I’ve been in a while. My taste and smell are coming back, as well as my energy.

    I am currently on vacation, so it was great to have the time off to get better. By the time week one was done I was starting to enjoy my time.

    I was able to get my room sorted with the help of my daughter. My depression had been living in my room for quite some time. Got a full garbage bag full of stuff to turf. Some time this week I’ll tackle my closet, which is a whole different beast.

    Mid clean…I should have done a before shot.
    So much clutter gone!

    Reset my coffee station by my bed. I had lots of pods that were buried in the mess my room had become.

    We have a bunch of stuff that we are purging, so once it stops raining I’ll be lugging stuff out so our downstairs doesn’t look like a bad thrift store.

    Having a mental illness affects so much in your life. I will feel so much better once we’re not surrounded by items we no longer use/that are broken. Clutter in the brain and clutter in the house is not a good combo.

    About a year ago I wrote about my weight gain and my struggles with it. I have accepted where I am with it, and now that my energy is returning I can get back to being active again. Movement is good for the body and the brain. My running may take a bit to come back, but that’s okay. Slow and steady for a full return is better than no return at all.

    I was able to participate in the Pride Parade this past weekend, and was light headed afterwards, so I know what my limit is right now. Thanks Covid.

    All in all, things are okay right now. Taking this break is really making a difference. I am feeling rested.

    Now to continue my de-depressioning of this apartment by finishing up laundry and getting the kitchen sorted.

    Let’s go!

  • COVID

    I learned on Sunday that I was exposed to Covid-19.

    I tested Monday Morning, negative.

    So, I went about my day. My throat was kind of dry as the day went on, but didn’t think much about it, as I find the office air dry some days.

    I woke up early Tuesday and I was not feeling good. Took another rapid test…..and it lit up like a Christmas tree.

    Well fuck.

    I waited until a half decent hour and called my kiddo (who is in the bedroom next to mine) to tell her the situation.

    Her response: “Oh fuck”

    I managed to work from home on Tuesday. But Wednesday was a different story. I slept most of Wednesday. The fatigue and the tightness of my chest was overwhelming. That and fighting the headache. It was just all too much.

    Thursday saw me not as fatigued, but still quite ill. I made it through the day, and started getting head congestion. It seems to be this slow moving virus for me, each day adding something different.

    Friday, I was feeling better. My daughter, luckily, had been testing negative and was clear to go on her planned trip to Montreal. We Facetimed and off she went. I was now able to roam the apartment. The change of scenery was welcome. I sat down on the balcony for my 1 hour of outside time in the early afternoon with a glass of grapefruit juice.

    I took a drink of said juice and could barely taste it. By the time I was halfway through the glass I couldn’t taste it. I had the sensation of the “bite” it has, but no taste. Another COVID hit. Later on I became more congested and a fever started. I took meds and went to bed.

    Here we are on Saturday. I still can’t taste. Fever is gone. Still congested in the head and chest (cough still hanging around). My smell isn’t great either. I don’t seem to be as fatigued, but I am trying to not move around as much as I did yesterday.

    All in all, this sucks. I haven’t been this sick in quite some time. I am so very thankful for vaccines as I would hate to think how much worse this would be if I wasn’t vaccinated.

    Time to take a break and get more rest. Writing has zapped some of my energy.

    Stay safe out there. Wear your mask. Keep washing your hands.

    COVID sucks ass. That is all.

  • Roll the Dice

    Each day I wake up and roll the dice.

    These aren’t your regular dice. These are special mental illness dice.

    Sometimes I roll a good day. These days I don’t doubt myself, and I am not exhausted from fighting my brain.

    Sometimes I roll a bad day, and I want to crawl back into bed. These days I am at my most vulnerable. You won’t know when I am having these days, because I’ll hide it.

    Most days I roll a mediocre day. I will get through it without too much self doubt. My brain will try its best to beat me down, but I will have just enough fight in me to fend off the negativity.

    Thankfully, it’s been along time since I haven’t wanted to roll the dice at all. Those days are dangerous because I am at the bottom of the rabbit hole and can’t see my way out. Fuck the dice, how about a goddamn rope to pull me up.

    I know that some will say “Why do you even have these dice?”

    I need them.

    These dice are my saving grace some days.

    They allow me the opportunity to face down what may inevitably screw me over. I can be my own worst enemy. If I know what lies ahead, I can prepare myself.

    So, I guess you can say they’re a part of my toolbox. Like my meds they can’t cure my mental illness, but they can help me navigate it.

    And if you’re wondering, my dice are purple 😉

  • Running as a Mentor

    This year, I applied to be a Team Myles Mentor (Blue Nose Marathon). After my amazing experience with the Team late last year as an Ambassador, and a nudge from one of the previous mentors, I decided to share my love of Team Myles and running with others.

    The Ambassadors apply and can run the 5k and/or the 10k with Team Myles. In the end, we are all training for the 10k, and some folks have already run that distance in their training program!

    Watching this group of Ambassadors (some who have never run before) show up every day, for themselves and for their teammates, has really filled a hole for me. It is inspiring to say the least, and to see the smiles as everyone completes their long runs and hills training.

    Yes, there are the moments where they think they won’t be able to do it, but they do. A gentle reminder that it’s their race at their pace and they are back at it. The cheers from their teammates give them that extra boost as well.

    We have some amazing coaches that warm us up, and cool us down. Their program is slow and steady. So many Ambassadors have surprised themselves with what they have accomplished so far.

    To be able to support the Ambassadors has been so rewarding. I can’t even put into words how I feel to see them progress every week. Not only am I supporting them, but they are supporting me.

    We just started week 7 of training. The race is the long weekend in May.

    These Ambassadors have it in the bag.

    I am so proud of each and every one.

    Love my GangGreen.

    Love Team Myles.

    Love being a Mentor.

  • Feels Like a Circle

    Mental illness has seasons, well, mine does at least.

    It’s like a circle. I’m in the middle, watching the seasons go by. I can’t touch the outer ring because I am stuck in place. I can’t make the circle bigger, or break the ring. I just sit, and watch it.

    The seasons that are out of my peripheral vision, those are my good moments. I can always see my bad ones, even if I want to deny them.

    I can’t dictate how fast the seasons move around the circle. The illness does.

    When I am in survival mode, I build a small fortress in the middle. Problem is, I can’t see the seasons pass. Self preservation is paramount and I can’t take the focus off of that.

    I am in the fortress now. It’s safe in here, but I am on the defensive. Always on high alert.

    It’s exhausting in here. I miss watching the seasons pass. In the fortress it is always winter. Grey, cold, lifeless.

    I know if I break down the walls the seasons will return to the circle.

    I am afraid of feeling good. I am afraid to feel, period. But if I don’t get out of here, I’ll become numb and go down the rabbit hole.

    This week I’ve been knocking some bricks out of the wall. I’ve made peace with a couple of things that have been chewing in my ear.

    Next week will be hard. I will ask for help with some things, which will give me some footing to keep going.

    Slowly the seasons will start moving around the circle again. I won’t be in the eternal winter sitting in this fortress. The more bricks I destroy the better, even though it’s hard.

    I am hoping I will be happy to see the sun, and to breathe the fresh air. I really need it right now.

    It’s time to be vulnerable, and be open to what is coming my way.

    Scared? Oh hell yes.

    Oh hell yes.

  • Shedding Those Insecurities

    It’s not easy.

    I am having a hard time letting go of the insecurities that keep holding me back.

    They’re like a warm blanket I am afraid to take off in the winter. Knowing I will be cold and vulnerable after the cover comes off.

    It’s making me feel restless, like I want to jump out of my body.

    Owning these insecurities is a big deal, and letting them go will make a big difference in me moving forward.

    The fear remains though, and that’s something I am working towards. Finding out how to confront that fear so I can get over the hurdle.

    It’s time to dig a bit deeper, and see what my fear is trying to stop me from becoming.

    It’s time to be vulnerable and gentle with myself.

    Leaving feelings and obstacles in the past isn’t easy, but I need to keep pushing forward to get out of this brain fog and discover those hidden parts of myself that are aching to get out.

    I knew this wouldn’t be an easy journey.

    Learning isn’t always straight path, and this curve has been difficult.

    I’ll continue to make the turn, and see where it leads me.

    First, let’s face my fear, and prepare for the next bend in the road.

  • What I’m Leaving Behind

    Well, here we are. 2022.

    I’ve decided there are things I am leaving behind in 2021, because they no longer serve me.

    I am keeping myself open to good things. Leaving behind my fear of not being good enough to receive the good things.

    I am owning my faults. Leaving behind the thought that I need to be perfect. I am embracing my full self.

    I am also leaving behind the thought that my body is ugly. I embrace the beauty of this vessel I have been given to live in.

    I am leaving behind the thought that I am unlovable. I am so loveable it’s crazy.

    I am leaving behind my jaded views. They only bog me down.

    I am on a mission to find the joy in simple things, leaving behind the idea that the big things are the only joyful things in my life.

    I will be easier on myself, leaving behind the idea that I need to be hard on myself to be better.

    I am always learning, and will not be ashamed to say so, leaving behind the shame.

    I will no longer run away from the good things in my life, nor will I back down when challenged.

    This will take work, bit I am willing to do it. There is still so much of my life to live, and I want to LIVE it.

    Let’s do this.

  • Not Feeling It

    Usually I am a Christmas Junkie.

    I usually love decorating and watching allllll the cheesy Hallmark Movies. It’s my kiddo that has a hard time with this season.

    This year, it’s me. I’m having a hard time. This past week has been rough. Today I just want to crawl back into bed and let the day pass by.

    Not even the Christmas music at the grocery store cheered me up.

    Yesterday, I ran a Toy Trot. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good.

    I am just struggling to find my joy this season. I know I have it. I really want to be full of cheer, but I can’t force it, and I won’t.

    I know that if this (my feelings of helplessness, loss of interest in the things I love, sadness, anger) continues any longer I’ll have to talk to the Doc. Bouts of intense depression require something more than just joyful movies and music and decorations.

    I know this time of year is hard on a lot of folks, and I hope that we can all make it through.

    I am lucky to still have my kiddo living with me. She gets it and knows that you can’t force someone to be happy, so she lets me be melancholy and ride it out, all while checking on me.

    Some people aren’t as lucky, and don’t have someone living with them who can just be there. Check in on your quiet friends, your overly happy friends, your friends that say they’re okay.

    Sometimes we’re not, and try and fake it until we break. Because we can’t make it.

    Here’s to hoping this next week is a better one. Here’s to hoping that this overwhelming blast of depression doesn’t bog me down and require a med change.

    Here’s to all of you out there trying to get through.

    I see you ❤️

  • And She Did It

    It’s been a few weeks since my 10km race.

    It’s taken me that long to process this journey, one that I needed to go on to find my running mojo again.

    Running with Team Myles was an amazing experience. One I will never forget.

    I’ve made some new running friends, and I’ve even joined a local running group which runs every Monday evening and hosts other running events.

    The thing I will have to keep in check though, is my brain. It is really having a hard time with me running again.

    It has tried to revolt. It even tells me how awful I am now that I am slower than I used to be. It whispers “why even bother?” in my ear.

    One thing that running with Team Myles has reiterated is that it is MY PACE that I run at. I’ve changed. My body has changed. My pace has changed, and that’s okay.

    Running is meant to be enjoyable for me. To get caught up in the time/pace vortex would just throw me into a mental space where my obsession would take over. I’ve been there before, and it’s not always good for me.

    Training for a race at my new pace was a great experience. Training with a group of people running at different paces really made me appreciate the effort put forth by every single person that showed up.

    That’s the whole point: showing up.

    Showing up for yourself.

    Acknowledging YOUR effort.

    Appreciating what the body is capable of. It’s an amazing piece of machinery.

    I am willing to keep at it, and to fight my brain telling me why I shouldn’t.

    They say running is a mental game.

    I’m at the start again, and each move will be a challenge.

    I just have to keep rolling the dice.