The Midlife Reframe

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  • Fall Equals…Anxiety??

    I love fall!

    So many great things about this season. The trees changing, the crisp air, and of course, Halloween!

    I am getting closer to my 10k race in November. Looking forward to running with all my peeps in Team Myles 💚

    For some reason though, I am full of anxiety. Like over the top full.

    I can’t really discern the reason why. There really is no specific reason.

    It’s like I want to jump out of my own skin. I’m restless. I’m full of the heebie jeebies.

    It’s going to take some work to figure this one out.

    As I ran on the weekend I did feel a little bit of relief. But that’s when the calf tightened up and I got some anxiety on top of the regular anxiety.

    Sigh.

    Having to face the anxiety is something I would like to avoid, but that won’t help me.

    So it’s up to me to sit down and write this stuff out, and confront my saboteurs. They’re trying to tell me something, I just need to figure out what they think they’re protecting me from.

    Wish me luck.

    I have a feeling I am going to need it this time.

  • Oh My God, Frig Off Already

    Imposter Syndrome.

    It’s riding my ass hard today. I’m also restless and annoyed.

    These days are hard, because the inner conflict takes over and all I want to do is stay in bed and eat crap.

    Thankfully I had things to do that made me get out of bed: a Microsoft Teams meeting, laundry, and the need to eat, lol.

    I am so frustrated with feeling like this. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to cry but I can’t.

    Deep inside I know that what I am telling myself is a bunch of bullshit, but my brain is taking it all in, like some bad documentary that I can’t turn off.

    Knowing that this will pass helps a little bit, but in the moment, I just want to scream. To shake it out of me.

    Not being able to come out of this funk, this instability, is really making today hard.

    So, today can suck it.

    Tomorrow I may be out of this tornado, or I may not.

    For now, I’ll just get through today.

    Frig off brain.

    Frig off.

  • And I Hurt Myself

    Smiling but in pain

    So, in true Amy fashion, I hurt myself last week on my Saturday run.

    Things were going great during the out and back route in Point Pleasant Park.

    Then we ran down a significant hill. We had a small flat area, and the started up a small incline….

    That’s when I felt a twinge and thought, ow. But I kept on running for two more intervals. Stupid me should have stopped running at the first twinge.

    I walked the rest of the route with one of the Team Myles Mentors I was running with, and we talked about injuries and treatments.

    I really knew it was bad when we all gathered to stretch. I couldn’t stretch. It started to hurt more.

    I drove home and immediately put my leg up with an ice pack. I’ve had this pain before, and hoping that I’ve caught it so it wasn’t too bad.

    That afternoon, I had a shoe fitting at Aerobics First for some new sneakers. I hobbled in and was fitted for some new sneakers. A lovely pair of Hoka Bondis.

    After hobbling back to the car, I head home again, put on a compression sleeve and did another round of ice.

    I am thankful that I was able to get into my physiotherapist on the Monday, where he confirmed one of my suspicions: a strained calf. He said it was also possible that some fibres from my Achilles let go as well (wah). Good news: treatment for both is the same.

    I haven’t run since that Saturday, and I’ve only been cleared to walk for 20 mins. I am listening to my physiotherapist and my body. Doing what I need to do so I can get back out running safely.

    Fingers crossed that I get some fitness upgrades after my next couple of physio sessions.

    Until then, this is an injured runner signing off!

  • Team Myles Ambassador

    I’m a Team Myles Ambassador for 2021!

    I am very excited for this opportunity, because I had fallen off of the consistency wagon when it came to running. My mental health was suffering as a result.

    When I saw the moment applications were open, I jumped on it, not knowing if it would be accepted. Hoping that I would because I needed the running community once again.

    Team Myles 2021

    Much to my surprise, by mid-August, I received the email that I was in! I was so happy and excited to be a part of an amazing group of people working towards the same goal.

    We are all split into pods, and each pod is assigned a Mentor. We still have to come up with a pod name, but I have a great pod of peeps to keep me motivated!

    My Team Myles Pod!

    We started our training on a Tuesday evening at Citadel Hill here in Halifax. We had a meet and greet, with some great speakers, we warmed up and started our first training session. We ran intervals up and down Citadel Hill.

    I was proud (and surprised) that I was able to do the intervals and didn’t die, lol.

    Everyone can move at their pace, which is great. We all motivate and support each other.

    Our Saturday morning training is held in Point Pleasant Park. This is where we do our “long runs”. Such a beautiful spot. Our first run was 20mins today 1:1 intervals. I felt great afterwards!!

    I (and my brain) are excited to be starting this journey. I need to get back into a routine, and this is guiding me back into it.

    Come along with me and Team Myles here on the blog!! I’ll be sharing the good and the bad (because we know my brain won’t cooperate all of the time), and all the fun I’m going to have.

  • Running? Really?

    I ran an actual “in person” race recently. It was a small event, with three different distances (4km, 6km, 8km). It was a lot of beach running.

    I did the 4km distance because who am I kidding, my running has been subpar lately. I knew in my inner being that the smallest distance would be the best choice for my disengaged body/mind.

    I drove down with my fellow co-founder of Road Warriors, Shannon. We booked a motel room for the night and made it into a girls road trip.

    The views from the motel were amazing, and we were super close to the beach.

    Sunset

    My run was a struggle. I fought my mind and body the whole way. There was no connection, no endorphin rush and no joy. I ran my worst 4km run ever.

    I’d like to blame it on running in the sand, in not fuelling properly (not a lot of restaurants where we were – hello, Subway for supper), in not training enough.

    Truth is, it was just a crappy run. One I struggled with. Mentally, I couldn’t fight the defeat in my head. Physically, my body listened to my brain. Complete disconnect from my soul.

    My win from this: I finished it, even when I seriously thought of running into the ocean and not finishing the race at all.

    I am starting another running journey soon, and I am really looking forward to the challenge and the sense of community it will bring.

    Keep your eyes peeled for posts on my next adventure, starting up next week!

  • Bend in the Road

    Sometimes my depression veers off course.

    It surprises me by taking its foot off the gas.

    I start feeling not so tired, not so hopeless.

    Now is one of those times. I am not in bed so early. I can stay up and get things done. Although getting out of bed is still hard, I am taking my evening “awake time” as a positive step forward to a little bit of normal.

    I don’t know how long this will last, and it could only be for a short while. Part of me wants to do ALL THE THINGS before this goes away. I know that is setting an unreasonable expectation, so I pump my breaks and cool down.

    It’s time for me to just appreciate this extra time in my evening and enjoy it.

    I always worry when I get extra time in my day. It makes me anxious that it will be extremely short lived.

    For now, I am taking it day by day. Giving myself permission to do what I wish with my extra time.

    No sense giving myself extreme anxiety over how long it may last.

    Instead, I will overthink the crap out of something I did or didn’t do, because that’s how my brain works.

    One step forward 😉

  • Weighted

    I’ve gained weight. Gone up 4 sizes as a matter of fact.

    It’s happened over the past few years.

    As part of my journey to self acceptance, I’ve struggled with this extra weight on my body.

    Societal issues with body image has done a number on my head, and it hasn’t been easy accepting where I am at right now.

    Being gentle with myself isn’t easy. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my body.

    Mentally, it’s even worse. Having been in an emotionally abusive long term relationship does a number on you. Seeing rolls meant I would come under fire. But being “skinny” meant I was also a target for other men’s attention. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Always under fire, always on alert.

    That has stuck with me for a very long time.

    I have been thankful lately to the body positivity movement for shifting the narrative.

    Shifting my narrative is going to take some time. Acknowledging that my body is a power house is my first step. I’ve harboured a human life in this body. I’ve run half marathons with this body. I am surviving a pandemic with this body. I will continue to do great things with this body, no matter what.

    Instead of trying to “get back to where I was”, I am working with what I have. I still run, I still workout. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I am focused on staying strong and healthy.

    Starting now, I am treating my body with kindness instead of disdain. It deserves kindness, and I deserve kindness, especially after all these years thinking I HAD to look a certain way to be accepted.

    I may not be a “perfect 10”, but goddammit I am a “perfect 14”.

  • So Done

    Full of fatigue.

    Lacking motivation.

    Fighting my depression.

    Navigating this pandemic.

    I’m so done. Done with feeling like I can’t do anything about how I’m feeling.

    I go in circles. A time where I’m feeling good and think I have everything under some semblance of control. I can handle a lot of things I cannot during a period of depression. I thrive during these times. Then comes the depression and I don’t trust myself, my decisions, or my thought process. Everything I do is wrong.

    This pandemic has made my depression periods more frequent, but in brief spurts and they hit me like truck. My circles become more chaotic and the times between my thrive and slump get shorter. I’m fighting against a strong undertow and it exhausts me.

    I know this is drilled down to exceptional circumstances. I know this pandemic is affecting me in ways I can’t control. I’m facing this every day, this lack of control.

    I try and step back, to see what is the underlying fear, and how can I work with that to move forward. It’s not easy, and sometimes there is no working with it. It is fear, and I need to feel it.

    I recently found out I was at a COVID exposure site, and had to self isolate while waiting to get a test and the results. I was scared the whole time. One trip to pick up my lunch may have landed me in viral swamp, putting others at risk as well.

    During that time, I couldn’t run. My coping mechanism was off limits. There were other ways of working out, but running lets me unwind in a different way. I may not be as fast as I used to be, but the ability to lace up is still my number one way to solve the overthinking brain.

    Thankfully my test results were negative and I could het back to “normal”.

    I am also lucky that I was able to book my vaccine, and I go in 10 days.

    I am very lucky, and I acknowledge that.

    I am just done with all of it. The pandemic, the damage and heartache it has caused, the fighting with my mental illness, watching people disrespect public health orders, all of it.

    I am done.

    But I will live to fight another day.

    I am lucky. So many others are not.

    I wish you love, health, and happiness.

    Stay safe.

  • Covid, Peri menopause, and Jeans

    So, some of us have gained weight during Covid (all that home made bread and bagels). Some of us have gained weight thanks to the lovely stage of life called peri menopause.

    I fall mostly into the second category. My love for bread doesn’t help, mind you.

    This makes my struggle with mental illness all the more complicated. I was awful before, but now? I’m the Michelin Man with a broken brain who can’t find jeans to fit her properly.

    Now, don’t get me wrong. I am happy with my body. It’s still strong and amazingly awesome. But Old Navy took my curvy fit jeans away and I have been having a hell of a time finding jeans to fit my size 14 ass well.

    After many purchases at other places, I settled on a store.

    I have a few pairs that I wear, and have been on the search for “jeans that Amy is comfortable in that don’t cut her stomach in half”. If you can rock the low rise, do it girl. My body needs the all encompassing power of high rise so I don’t feel like a busted can of biscuits.

    After many purchases at many stores, I found myself at American Eagle.

    They have High Waisted Jeggings.

    I tried on other pairs, but the jeggings were it.

    I think my body can rest easy in jeggings.

    TAKE THAT PERI MENOPAUSE AND BAGELS!

    But for real, I just want jeans I can feel comfortable in, is that too much to ask? Women deserve comfy jeans. Period.

    My mental health needs this.

    If I can feel good in my clothes, it’s a big win.

    Feeling good is important.

    I already feel crappy enough most days.

    THESE JEGGINGS ROCK. Now I must have them all. Thank you American Eagle for making jeans that make me feel good about myself.

    Now, I am on the hunt for Blazers. That’s a whole different, and painful, search.

    Here’s to loving our bodies. Here’s to loving the clothes that make us feel amazing.

    Here is to telling my depression to fuck off and rock my curvy ass self in whatever I choose to wear.

    Now I’m tired from all the excitement. I need pasta and a nap.

    Until next time…

  • Self Love? How About Self Acceptance

    I’ve read and heard enough about self love lately. I’m on another path right now.

    I’ve also overcome the thoughts that I am not good enough to be loved. I am not only good enough, but worthy.

    What has been important to me this past year has been self acceptance. Accepting not only who I am, but accepting everything that comes along with that.

    I have been on a roller coaster ride with my mental illness for almost 10 years. Fighting against it, and exhausting myself.

    I’ve stopped fighting it, and am learning to manoeuvre the curves. It’s a part of who I am, and learning to work with it has been eye opening.

    As I’ve said recently, I am also accepting my past, all of the good and the bad. The experiences throughout my life have shaped me into who I am today. Have I been through a lot? Yes. Have I been hurt physically and mentally? Yes.

    Resilience? Got that, in spades.

    Confronting all of the things has not been easy. The desire to fight against everything is strong. It’s in my nature to make things right, to push against that which is trying to “get at me”. Feeling my feelings is challenging, but necessary. Acknowledging them is a must.

    Self love? I’ve got lots of that.

    Self acceptance? That is a work in progress.