The Midlife Reframe

Tag: battle within

  • Sundays and Random Things

    Over the past few years my interest in reading has been spotty, as well as my interest in crochet.

    I’m starting to get that interest back, and I am not forcing things.

    Sunday mornings will be for reading, as it is a nice slow start to the day as the work week looms ahead.

    Depression is a funny thing. I no longer fight it. I have been riding the wave, especially with perimenopause.

    HRT has definitely made things manageable. It has been a godsend.

    The psoriasis on the outside of my ears has moved inside, which has made me want to tear the inside out. I have been putting my Dovabet in there and it has been helping.

    The HRT has more or less stopped my hot hot flashes and night sweats. Win!

    We are growing tomatoes on the balcony, along with some blueberries. This is helping with my depression as well, looking after something that will produce food!

    It has been hard doing that this year, as well are having extremely dry conditions. I have been using bottled water to keep them going.

    Thinking about planting some herbs next year.

    Not wishing away the summer, but I am looking forward to the fall. It is my favourite season.

    For now, I will continue to hope that we get some rain and enjoy the rest of the summer.

  • Recovery?? Or Attempting Recovery??

    So.

    I had therapy Thursday.

    I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.

    I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.

    I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.

    Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.

    Pure survival mode.

    Burnt the fuck out.

    After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.

    In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.

    We are far from a perfect world.

    My evenings and weekends are low key.

    I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.

    Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.

    It’s one day at a time.

    Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).

    Let’s see how June treats me.

  • What To Do

    It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.

    So many changes.

    Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.

    I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.

    I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.

    I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.

    Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.

    One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.

    I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.

    I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.

    Navigating all this is challenging.

    Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.

    What does the road ahead look like?

    Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.

    As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.

    Stay tuned as I move forward on this new path!

  • Check In: First Week on Lower Antipsychotic Dose

    It’s been a full week.

    Things I have noticed:

    – a little fatigued

    – sometimes a little irritable

    – still leg bouncing

    – working through an anxiety spike is challenging

    I can say that’s been all so far. It’s really not that bad all things considered. I think the leg bouncing is more of a comfort mechanism more than anything, so that’s not such a big deal.

    Had a little moment yesterday where I worked my way through an anxiety spike. I did it without chewing the skin around my fingernails, so that was a win for sure.

    I’m letting myself feel the feelings, and talking my way through them, instead of trying to suppress everything like I used to do. Thankful for the tips therapy has provided in that regard.

    This will be my last week on the lower dose, then I will be completely off Abilify. I will be on vacation for the end of the med, which is good, in case things go a little wonky.

    Will keep you all in the loop once I totally come off and let you know how I am doing.

    Fingers crossed the symptoms stay as they have been!

    Until next time.

  • Bye Bye AntiPsychotic

    It’s been almost a week of me weaning off my antipsychotic.

    This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. There were various discussions with my team.

    Having therapy every two weeks has made a big difference in my anxiety levels, and I am chewing the skin around my fingernails less.

    Being fortunate enough to have therapy as often as I do was one of the biggest factors in this decision.

    Learning new coping skills has been a great help.

    I’m still bouncing my leg, but I think that may also be a habit now more than anything. My leg bouncers will get it. It’s almost comforting at times.

    I have one more week of weaning and then I am off completely.

    Am I worried?

    A little.

    But I know I have the supports in place, and if necessary I can go back on the lower dose.

    So, let’s hope I make out okay on this little journey.

    Stay tuned for an update after I am fully done!

  • Newfoundland Adventures

    It has been a week since my visit to Newfoundland.

    It is a beautiful province, and if you’ve never been I highly recommend.

    I spent my time on the Avalon Peninsula and did some hiking.

    In St. John’s, there is Pippy Park, which I would compare to Victoria Park in Truro, Nova Scotia (no big waterfalls though). Lots of hills and stairs to work muscles you totally forgot you had, lol.

    It was a beautiful day for hiking!

    The second hiking adventure was a portion of the East Coast Trail, and included the LaManche Suspension Bridge. Hiked until we got to a spot where I was nervous (trail width was questionable and the drop to the ocean was a little too steep) so a turn around to head back was necessary, haha. Might chance it the next time!

    Quite an appetite was worked up, so a stop at Keith’s Diner on the way back to town was required for some refuelling.

    Chicken Wings and Fries with Dressing and Gravy

    The last nice day was a hike around a lake in Torbay. Got a little muddy on that one, lol.

    All in all it was a fantastic trip, and I am looking forward to another visit!

  • Growth

    I’ve been on a journey.

    Through therapy I have found that I am growing and learning.

    With my new relationship I am in a safe space, and it has allowed me to open up and not be afraid of expressing myself.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, because I still have them.

    I’m getting better at explaining how I feel on those days, and I am coping better.

    I’ve started reading again, and I am opening up myself to learning new things, both at work and home.

    Am I scared? Yep.

    Scared of feeling okay, scared of things going south, and scared of getting hurt. But that’s okay. It’s normal to be feeling these things.

    I’m no longer shoving those feelings down to “deal with later”. I’m learning to be uncomfortable to get to being comfortable.

    It’s a day by day thing, and it’s not going to be easy.

    But I’m ready.

  • I’m Hanging Up My Racing Shoes

    This has been a decision I’ve been struggling with for some time now.

    I’ve had some amazing experiences racing (hello Team Myles!!) and have accumulated some hardware that hangs in my front hall.

    I’m not stopping running, just the racing.

    I started out running for the pure fun in 2011, and as it sits right now, the whole racing aspect has turned into a chore. I want to run for the fun of it again.

    I’ve been struggling with perimenopause and my runs have sometimes been a ride on the struggle bus. Trying to adapt to this new experience has been rough.

    My brain has also been struggling with the whole race idea and the pressure I put in myself can be tremendous. I have even deleted my Strava account so I don’t stress out about where and when I run.

    It’s time to give myself a break and run for the fun of it again. To find the joy in movement.

    I’ll probably volunteer at races, just to see the joy of others finishing their races will be enough to fill my bucket.

    So if you see me out and about, say hey!

    I’ll be cruising the trails around my area and out at the BLT.

  • And So We Begin Again

    My first Parkrun, but starting out walking

    So.

    Running.

    Haven’t been doing it regular like.

    Decided I really need to, for my mental health more than anything.

    So this weekend I went to my first Parkrun.

    For those of you who are unfamiliar, Parkrun is a free timed 5k event run by volunteers. You register, get a barcode, and take that barcode with you to the event.

    You can run, walk, or run/walk the event. At the end you scan your barcode and the chip they give you. Your time is recorded and that’s it!

    I was thankful to run into friends for my first time around. We started out walking and the did a nice slow pace for running. It was a great way to get back into something I’ve been doing since 2011. I really moss getting out and hitting the pavement for some stress relief.

    I’ll be taking it slow and steady through the winter months, hopefully building up a good base for the spring/summer.

    I am looking at races and may wait until the spring/summer to tackle those, we’ll see how the winter treats me!

    For now, some small trips around the neighbourhood and Parkrun on Saturdays to start.

    So glad I took the first step this weekend.

    Here’s to more KMs under my belt!

  • It’s That Weird Time

    You know, those days in between Christmas and the New Year where you can’t remember what day it is and you’re eating chocolate for breakfast…and living in your sweatpants.

    It’s also when people start reflecting and thinking about the year to come.

    You know what?

    It’s okay to not have resolutions. It’s okay to not have a plan for 2024. I don’t have one. Nor do I do resolutions. It’s too hard on my brain. Also, I would self sabotage so there really is no point.

    My mental illness would go into overdrive and I am not risking my mental health setting up expectations that I can’t reach.

    I’m going to take things day by day. Like I am now. I woke up with no plans and I’m just playing it by ear. Do I get restless? Yes. But then I just try and find something to occupy my time. I ask myself why I am restless and narrow it down to what I need (a snack, water, get outside, human interaction).

    I can usually calm my restlessness. If I can’t, I hop in the car and go for a drive.

    Naps also work, lol.

    So don’t stress if you don’t have it all figured out for 2024. Just worry about today. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.