The Midlife Reframe

Tag: battle within

  • I Just Don’t Know Anymore

    I have had to stop asking myself “What will today bring?”

    The past few months have had it’s bad, and it’s good.

    The world is still in a pandemic and my neighbours to the South are imploding.

    I am glad the big orange cheeto is on his way out the door, but holy moly guys. I mean, I am not saying that couldn’t happen here, because it sure as well could. The world is just becoming freaking scary.

    Every day brings with it more of the unknown, and I already have a problem with my OWN unknown. If I could sleep through all of it and wake up on the other side I probably would. But, I can’t, so I maneuver my daily mental illness around whatever the chaos de jour is and hope I don’t implode.

    I am trying yoga again, and hoping that leads to running more consistently. My flexibility and balance need a lot of work. I am pretty tight, so keeping up with the yoga WHILE I am consistently running will be key. I just need to keep moving to relieve my stress and anxiety.

    Sleep? Now there is an area I do not have a problem in right now. My depression keeps me sleeping like a log. I guess I am thankful for that, because if I didn’t have my sleep it would not be good.

    I know I usually do a post ushering out the old year and one post ushering in the new, but the whole pandemic and what not have really frigged with my brain this year and I just couldn’t.

    I am not on the negative train here. I am just so overwhelmed and out of whack with all the turmoil that I am guarding all my joy. I am keeping it tucked away and peek at it when I really need it.

    I will be sharing some joy, I promise. It’s just going to take a while for me to let my guard down.

    Hang on. We can get through all of this.

    Just, hang on.

    Breathe.

  • And For Now, I’m Okay

    So, I am coming out of a depressive episode.

    Basically, I am telling my depression to go fuck itself right now.

    This is like a fog lifting, or a weight being taken off my shoulders.

    I feel more “normal”, more like myself. I don’t experience imposter syndrome. My self doubt takes a back seat.

    It feels good. It feels liberating.

    I will hold onto these feelings for as long as I can, because I never know when the other shoe will drop.

    Usually, I would feel extremely guilty for feeling this way, especially if I know of others who are suffering their own depressive episode while I am riding the “happy” wave.

    I’ve learned that I NEED to savour this time, because it’s for me. It’s ME time. It’s also time to be there for those who have been there for me when I was festering in the suck hole of depression.

    So, if you need an ear, hit me up. I’ll listen, I won’t divert to my own experiences, and I can give great virtual hugs.

    We have to support each other when we can.

    We have to look out for each other.

    We have to remember that it won’t always be awful, and there will be good times for us.

    So, for now, I’m okay.

    And that, for now, is a good thing.

    Until the next depressive episode, I remain on the “happy” wave.

    (Let’s hope that doesn’t happen anytime soon, because I kind of need this right now, lol.)

    Keep fighting the battle within.

    I’m right there beside you.

  • I Never Thought It Would Be This Way

    I never thought that my smile would hide the demons inside of me.

    That I would fight daily to keep myself from falling apart.

    That I could be so tired.

    That my body could hurt without injury.

    That my darkest days would be when I was raising a daughter. I remember when I finally told her what was wrong. She was so understanding at such a young age. Who knew she would later experience similar demons.

    That what society makes out to be “living your best life” isn’t really living your best life. Having it all can be just as overwhelming as not having enough.

    That getting help was what pulled me out of the rabbit hole. I realized that I could no longer get through this alone.

    That drugs (not running, or exercise, or “changing my mindset”) was what helped my brain. Does running help? Yes, it helps me cope, but it doesn’t cure my mental illness.

    That people I thought were there for me, were not. That I had to make peace with that. I finally knew who my people were. They stuck with me through my depression.

    That I would accept myself as I am, no matter what. That has taken me YEARS. I never thought I was good enough. Now I know different. Do I still have self doubt? Fuck, yes. But I know who I am, and what I am truly capable of. I try and remind myself of that on my bad days.

    That I would come to terms with daughter being diagnosed with a mental illness. I blamed myself, as I have said before. I was pretty sure I gave it to her. Like through her breathing my mentally ill air,or something. Once I battled that demon, I was able to be there for her.

    That I would see my mental illness as a pro, and not a con. I see things differently than other people. I can give a different perspective. I can offer insight.

    Anyone can have mental illness: youth, women, men. It doesn’t discriminate.

    Reminding myself daily that I didn’t choose this is what gets me through. Other days it’s also something small, like a song or a line from a book.

    I just have to remember to keep looking forward, because looking back is not good for me.

    That is when I falter. That is when I need my strength, because I never thought it would be this way.

    I never thought I would be mentally ill.

  • I Will Not Be Silent

    I had lunch with a good friend today, the other co-founder of Road Warriors, Shannon (check out our website here: https://battlewithin.ca/).

    During our conversation we talked about the stigma still associated around mental health, and speaking out about our struggles. It still makes people uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say, or how to act around us when we’re in a bad place.

    Here’s the thing. Without other people sharing their stories, their feelings, and their innermost demons, I would have not found the courage to speak out myself.

    Hearing that other people were in the same struggle as me, was a comfort. Knowing that I was not alone was a really big deal.

    Becoming “comfortable” with acknowledging my feelings has not been easy. Being okay with NOT being okay is a struggle. As Shannon pointed out today, if people know you’re not well, they want to make you well right then and there. It’s not as simple as that for people with mental illness. Sometimes we ruminate on something for weeks (sometimes months). It’s the nature of the beast.

    I know that sharing my struggles does make people feel uncomfortable, but I feel uncomfortable feeling the way I do. Bottling that up just makes things worse later on. It’s like trying to hold in vomit. It needs to come out and I am not going to stop it.

    Education is key. First hand recounts are key. If you know/love someone with mental illness, try to find resources online for caretakers/family. Reach out to your local mental health associations.

    Making mental health/mental illness part of normal conversation is something I will always continue to work towards.

    Staying silent…not going to happen.

  • It’s Not a Personal Failure

    One thing I have come to accept is that mental illness is NOT a personal failure.

    I have felt that way for years. That I had somehow caused it. That I was responsible for it “showing up”. I also put the blame on myself when my daughter was diagnosed. It must have been my fault. What did I do to let this happen?

    The answer is nothing. I did nothing to “let it happen”. Chemical imbalances are just that. Imbalances. My brain needed help. I needed help. My daughter needed help.

    Once I was able to make peace with this, then it became a little easier to fight the negative voice inside my head. Do I always win? No. But I try my hardest to not listen when it tells me what a failure I am.

    I am who I am, and I will always try to share my good and bad days. People need to know that just because I appear happy go lucky, it doesn’t mean I am not hiding the fact that I struggling. On my bad days I am trying my hardest to fight “the voice”.

    Sometimes I will admit defeat, and even though it may be hard, I let myself go through what I need to go through. Keeping the bad days at bay are not always the best solution, and we shouldn’t feel bad for having them.

    Being able to navigate this thing called depression is not easy, but I’m doing my best. My daughter is doing her best. I know that everyone diagnosed with mental illness is doing their best.

    We’ve made it through some of our worst days, and we’ll make it through many more.

    We’re survivors. Not failures.

    Don’t ever forget that.