The Midlife Reframe

Tag: battle within

  • Here’s Where I’m At

    Well, four months now on Pristiq.

    My doc and I decided that my dose was good, so I am continuing with the med and my antipsychotic as well.

    Now that the cobwebs are clearing I can start purging my surroundings and my brain of everything that isn’t serving me.

    Time to get back on track with the things I enjoy doing.

    I started reading again. Small books so I don’t get discouraged. I am picking up my crochet hook again, and I plan on getting outside for movement.

    I’m not totally delusional, I know there will be hard days, there always are, but this new med has given me some hope that there are more better days than bad.

    I’m recovered from my second bout of COVID, relatively unscathed. We’ll see how things go there.

    My daughter is also on a new med, and seems to be doing much better. We even attended a small Halloween Gathering as The Great Pumpkin and Linus.

    As we roll into “the dark season”, I am hoping to use the tools in my toolbox to keep moving and stay ahead of my brain. And on those days my brain gets the better of me, I will show myself some grace.

    Let’s help each other get through the winter together.

    We can all give ourselves some grace this time of year.

  • Little Bit of This…..

    Coming to the end of a two week vacation. It was sorely needed. I kind of wish I had some more time, lol.

    I’m going into month three on Pristiq, and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m going into the next two months hopeful that this dose is where I need to be. I mean, it can be increased, and I would be okay with that.

    The only thing that seems to be steady is my innate desire to sleep, lol. I’m staying awake better into the evening, but want to sleep forever in the morning. That may take time to sort itself out.

    The month of July zoomed by, and I can’t believe we are into August. Soon it will be spooky season. One of my favourite times!

    Not that I am wishing summer away, but this summer has been less than ideal with wildfires and flash floods in the last few months. Humid and hot. I’m up for some steady temps and lots of sunshine.

    Been crocheting a lot, and it’s helped to keep my brain focused. Making some things for friends, some Christmas gifts (yep, need to start that now), and testing out some Amugurimi toys.

    The start of a Amugurimi doll

    Going into this week rested, and with a new outlook.

    Hoping the latter part of this year improves, with no other natural disasters on the horizon.

    Here’s to later summer/early fall, and to time focused on what’s important.

  • New Meds All Around!!

    So it’s not only me with some new meds, my daughter has been prescribed something new as well.

    It hasn’t been easy these past few months with her trialing ADHD meds. She started out on Biphentin, and when that wasn’t working out, moved onto Vyvanse.

    The Vyvanse was definitely an experience. She was overstimulated ALL THE TIME, and it was like she was manic. I started questioning whether there was something deeper here that we weren’t seeing.

    I made an appointment with our family doctor (she is Val’s doctor too, and delivered her as well) to express my concerns with the mood swings, the manic type behaviour and her depression. Then, by some sort of weird coincidence, Val told me she had made an appointment with the doc right after my phone call with her.

    We found a psychiatrist close to home that bills through MSI for an assessment and some therapy, so at her appointment, Val mentioned that to our doctor. She sent off the referral that day. It is time we get a concrete diagnosis for her mental illnesses so we can manage it properly.

    Needless to say, the doc told her to immediately stop taking the Vyvanse and to just stay on her Sertraline. We waited two weeks for her system to regulate.

    We just saw the doc the other day, where I attended to help corroborate her symptoms. At this time, she is adding some Wellbutrin as a boost for the Sertraline. She told us that she had yet to hear from the psychiatrist, but hopes it will be soon.

    So we are moving forward in the right direction, but it has been hard watching Val struggle with all of this.

    She’s been amazing though, and keeps on giving what she has to get better.

    My hope is that we hear from the psychiatrist soon. That will be the determining factor in medication management and a better future.

    So, the roller coaster keeps rolling, and we keep riding.

    Hopefully we’ll be able to get off soon and move to the lazy river!

  • Got a New Drug

    So it’s been a journey, but we’ve hit a fork in the road.

    It was time to admit that my meds were not necessarily working like they used to.

    I’ve known this subconsciously for a while now. It just took some time for my conscious self to catch up.

    My endless need for more sleep, my disinterest in so many things that I once loved, my lack of motivation, lack of focus, and my lack of concentration were all staring me in the face. I just didn’t want to see them.

    I mean, I was on meds. They were helping me. I just must be in a slump…..for a really really long time.

    Depression and denial are bedfellows. One is connected to the other with super duper steel chains.

    It’s hard to break that connection. Hard to admit that maybe things are working like they are supposed to.

    It’s funny though, because I made my appointment to talk to my doctor not to talk about what was happening, but to refill my anti psychotic.

    She asked me how I was doing, and the words came out of my mouth: “Can I up the meds I am on, or would I have to try something new?”

    We had an honest discussion about how I was. I wasn’t good, and hadn’t been, for a while.

    The decision was made to take me off of Cipralex (SSRI) and put me on Pristiq (SNRI). I have to admit that it made me nervous.

    We discussed titration, and when to start my new med.

    (I am currently in titration mode, and will start my new med next weekend.)

    It’s going to take a while for things to change, and my support system has been notified. I have also apologized in advance for any mood swings or snippiness that may come out if me during this time.

    I’m optimistic, and hope that this is what works to get me back to doing the things I love.

    So, let’s see what next weekend brings with a whole new drug, shall we?

  • Paranoia

    Anxiety is full tilt lately.

    While I started working today, I had that sinking feeling: this usually snowballs into paranoia. Is someone coming after me for something I said? Am I getting fired? What if I fucked something up and no one is saying anything? Am I overstepping? Why is no one answering my emails?

    Today, the solution may be simple, because I realized I forgot to take my meds when I woke up. Luckily I am working at home today (it’s therapy day) so I was able to take them. Hopefully I’ll start to even out within the hour.

    Other days it may not be so easy. Other days I have to use other methods to even myself out. Sometimes that full on means telling people that I am in a state of flight. It is scary, but if people know where I am at, they tend to alleviate my worst fears.

    I’m not always forthcoming though, and it is to my detriment. Keeping these feelings inside just makes things worse, and really solves nothing. Part of my journey is to start expressing where I am at. To say things out loud so that they can be addressed.

    So today, I am saying it out loud: I forgot to take my meds and I am feeling paranoid.

    I’m going to get outside at lunch, and get some fresh air. Take in some of my surroundings. Just decompress so I don’t wind myself up.

    Thankful for therapy later this afternoon. I’m in need of it today!

  • Don’t Come At Me With Your “Diets“

    Or your cleanses. Or your meal plans. Or your supplements.

    I’ve tried lots of things for my body over the years. I’ve also not given my body the respect it deserves. I’ve treated it badly and denied it what it needs to sustain me.

    Even during training for races, I know I haven’t eaten enough. I was too worried about “getting bigger”, instead of worrying about “am I fuelling my body correctly?”

    I really realized during the pandemic how much I was neglecting giving my body the nutrients and calories it needed to keep me going. I was tired, bogged down, and just plan flatlining with everything I was doing.

    Am I bigger now? Yes. Do I really care? No. Can I still be active? Yes.

    I know that I am healthy. I do not have a medical condition that requires any special diets, like celiac or diabetes. I am very lucky.

    It’s time to start taking care of me in a way that’s GOOD for me. No more stressing over calories. Eating good food and moving is what is important.

    Don’t say I need a cleanse…your liver does that for you. Don’t say I need a specific fitness diet…I am not a pro athlete. Don’t say I need supplements…because I don’t.

    If I am not feeling right, I see my doctor, we get bloodwork done and she will tell me what I need to do to get back on track. If it is nutrition we need to work on, she can refer me to someone.

    I’m done neglecting and disrespecting my body. I eat for me and I move for me.

    I know what works for my body, and I am driving this machine. I know what’s good for it.

    Let me navigate this road as I see fit, for me.

  • What I am Learning in Therapy

    I am stuck in a circle of flight and freeze.

    My exhaustion is valid. My energy is being spent in this circle. I need to readjust my nervous system.

    I have a lot of trauma to work through, and some vicarious trauma to take care of as well.

    It’s going to be a journey, and I know it’s not going to be easy.

    Am I hesitant? Fuck yes. Facing things I have been compartmentalizing is not going to be fun. I have a lot of boxes to unpack. Le sigh.

    I am super thankful for a great therapist who lets me unload and helps me navigate my feelings.

    I have a lot of feelings, lol.

    I didn’t realize how much I was keeping in boxes until I started spewing everything out.

    No wonder I am so tired.

    I gave myself permission over the holidays to spend time doing absolutely nothing. I have spent some time in bed watching Netflix, and watched the whole Harry Potter series in PJs. Also, Toblerone for breakfast – *chef’s kiss*

    I am going to share as much as I can, at least what I am comfortable sharing.

    Be patient with me, cause it’s gonna be intense at times.

    Roller coaster, here I come!

  • Scrambled Eggs

    I don’t really know how to write. Most of the time I just sit and type, hoping that what is coming out of my brain makes sense.

    Let’s face it, a mentally ill brain is a lot like scrambled eggs. A bunch of thoughts all shaken up and then plopped down on a plate, and you hope that what you’ve made is good.

    I’d like to think that most of the time I make some sense, but I know there are times when I don’t. I know there are times that I ramble on and sometimes repeat myself.

    I’m afraid that if I don’t get it all out of my head that I’ll forget to say something I find important. But it can get caught up in my jumbled thoughts and come out as a giant ball of irrational words.

    I need to learn how to pause, and breathe.

    In the moment, it’s hard. That pause may make me lose my train of thought, or so I think. But in all honesty it may give me that one moment of clarity that I am so desperately seeking.

    I was at a conference in Montreal this week. A lot of presentations focused on leadership. One thing I noticed was the ability of some of the presenters to have that uncomfortable pause. To wait for however many seconds before repeating a question, or moving on.

    I guess I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. To have that pause. To not be afraid of it.

    So I will be making a small not to have at my desk this week.

    Pause. Breathe. Start again.

    Here’s to finding clarity, and to being uncomfortable.

  • Update and The New Kitten

    Mr. Eggs Benedict

    It’s been a rough go this past little while.

    Some med adjustments for my daughter have happened, with one as recent as I sit and write this post.

    I can report that she is doing better than she was, but we are still in an uphill battle.

    We now have some recommendations for a Psychiatrist and I am going to have to pay out of pocket, but it will be worth it if it helps her move forward.

    There are other things happening in my world, but those stories are not mine to share. Let’s just say it’s been a trying time.

    On a positive note, physical activity seems to help. We just need to do more of it. That is the struggle some days, getting out the door. My daughter’s anxiety will sometimes make it difficult, but we do what we can.

    One thing that seems to be helping is our latest addition to the household. Mr. Eggs Benedict joined us from the SPCA, and is a little ball of energy.

    A moment of solitude

    He is keeping my daughter occupied and her mind off of “everything wrong”. It has been a blessing to have this little man join our other two cats.

    (The introduction process has been slow, as we have one geriatric cat and a younger cat. But it’s coming along.)

    Sometimes a welcome distraction is what you need.

    We’ll just continue to take it day by day.

  • Feels Like a Circle

    Mental illness has seasons, well, mine does at least.

    It’s like a circle. I’m in the middle, watching the seasons go by. I can’t touch the outer ring because I am stuck in place. I can’t make the circle bigger, or break the ring. I just sit, and watch it.

    The seasons that are out of my peripheral vision, those are my good moments. I can always see my bad ones, even if I want to deny them.

    I can’t dictate how fast the seasons move around the circle. The illness does.

    When I am in survival mode, I build a small fortress in the middle. Problem is, I can’t see the seasons pass. Self preservation is paramount and I can’t take the focus off of that.

    I am in the fortress now. It’s safe in here, but I am on the defensive. Always on high alert.

    It’s exhausting in here. I miss watching the seasons pass. In the fortress it is always winter. Grey, cold, lifeless.

    I know if I break down the walls the seasons will return to the circle.

    I am afraid of feeling good. I am afraid to feel, period. But if I don’t get out of here, I’ll become numb and go down the rabbit hole.

    This week I’ve been knocking some bricks out of the wall. I’ve made peace with a couple of things that have been chewing in my ear.

    Next week will be hard. I will ask for help with some things, which will give me some footing to keep going.

    Slowly the seasons will start moving around the circle again. I won’t be in the eternal winter sitting in this fortress. The more bricks I destroy the better, even though it’s hard.

    I am hoping I will be happy to see the sun, and to breathe the fresh air. I really need it right now.

    It’s time to be vulnerable, and be open to what is coming my way.

    Scared? Oh hell yes.

    Oh hell yes.