The Midlife Reframe

Category: single mom

  • Iā€™m a Fainter

    Last weekend I fainted while sitting in a pedicure chair.

    An ambulance was called.

    My daughter was a rockstar (which is good, because I now know she can navigate a situation like that without freaking).

    I was checked out by the paramedics, and then went to see a doctor who ordered some bloodwork.

    I had a medication check in today, and decided to tackle this first before the med discussion.

    All my bloodwork came back normal, and everything checks out with respect to my heart (no murmur, and my blood pressure was normal today).

    The diagnosis (after a lengthy discussion): I am prone to vasovagal attacks. My doctor said it’s nothing to worry about, and told me what I could do the next time I feel it coming on.

    Then we talked about how I was doing on the Abilify.

    We discussed how I was feeling, and decided that since this is working for me, she will keep me on it in addition to the Cipralex.

    So, a successful visit today. Now that I am sorted medication wise, I can schedule a visit when I need to.

    This is what I’ve been working towards.

    I will never be 100%, but I am a solid baseline of 85% for now and that works for me!

    (And no, I haven’t gone back for the pedicure, lol!)

    šŸ˜Š

  • Clearing Out The Cobwebs

    There comes a time, when I am “better”, that I reevaluate a lot of things in my life: Why am I holding onto so many things? What purpose do they serve? Why am I holding onto this anger from 10 years ago?

    Lately, I have been pulling down those cobwebs that I have been looking at, but never do anything about.

    They aren’t making me happy.

    They aren’t supporting me in any way.

    They are taking up space that can be used by something that will make me happy and help me feel supported.

    I’ve changed a lot the past few years, and I am definitely NOT the woman I was 10 years ago.

    So it’s time to clean house.

    I need to make room for the good, so the next bad time in my life doesn’t feel so dark.

    #WorthLiving

  • Waiting to Come Out On The Other Side

    I am into week 2 of the booster (Abilify) for my anti-depressants.

    It’s been a bit of ride, but not necessarily a bad one.

    The first week: I was restless and I couldn’t sit still. I am still a bit restless, bit that is starting to subside.

    I also found it hard to get to sleep the first week, but that has remedied itself as well.

    After my initial post about taking Abilify, I panicked. I was certain everyone would Google the drug and think “Wow, she’s psychotic too?”

    Let’s be clear: my brain had me convinced of this. It almost made me believe that people would avoid me, stop talking to me, and no longer want to be my friend.

    I remember the pharmacist telling me to just keep taking the dose, even if I didn’t think it was working, and that after 2-4 weeks I would start to see a difference.

    Am I noticing ANY difference?

    I am. Sort of. It’s little things, but: I am starting to notice a slow decrease in my itching (yay!).

    Being patient is hard, but I am doing my best to give this time.

    If it gets me to where I need to be, it will be worth it šŸ™‚

    @crazymamaruns

  • Is It Getting Easier?

    I can’t say it’s getting “easier”.

    Getting out of bed isn’t a struggle.

    I am starting to be more involved in the things I enjoy doing.

    I don’t feel as hopeless.

    I am still having issues with my anxiety.

    I had to buy a pill organizer thingie so I could look at it and see that I have taken my pill…10 minutes after I have taken it, because I can’t remember if I did take it, even though my watch reminds me to take it.

    So easier? No.

    Better? Yes.

    (I am still amazingly weird, so I have that going for me, lol.)

    I can talk to TeenThing now about how she is feeling and what she is struggling with, without feeling like I gave this to her.

    I had struggled with that for so long. Feeling like I was responsible for her mental illness.

    Photo thanks to Vicki Penny Photography

    Being medicated has given me some clarity when it comes to how I was not being present in my life, which means I was not present in hers.

    I am able to recognize that now, and I can manage things better without falling down the rabbit hole. I can face it without beating myself up and running away.

    I guess I can explain it like this: It’s a bubble wrap thing. I wrap myself up and take the hits, thinking I’ve given myself the correct armour, when all I’ve done is soften the blow a little bit.

    So, I guess the meds are my armour.

    I will still get dents, but I am better prepared for battle.

    @crazymamaruns

  • I Was Afraid

    So let’s just dive in.

    One of the things that I am afraid of, when I go on my medication, is that I am going to “lose myself”.

    It’s part of how my brain tries to trick me into thinking I don’t need the medication.

    In the back of mind I KNOW it won’t turn me into someone else, but there is that part of me, of my brain, that grasps tightly onto self preservation.

    It has taken me years to become comfortable with who I am, and who I have become. I don’t want to lose that.

    Since I was self aware of my mental health and it’s decline this time, I had to keep telling myself that the medication will not change who I AM, it is changing the chemicals in my brain so I can be myself.

    There is still a chance that I will require something else for my anxiety, and I am okay with that. That component of my illness is still a tad ramped. If I need to have a combination of medication, then so be it.

    There is NOTHING shameful about needing medication. I cannot express that enough.

    I am making sure I move. I am making sure I have human contact (outside of work). I am taking time for me.

    I am still weird.

    I am still awkward.

    I am still wickedly awesome.

    Rock on my fellow weirdos.

    Rock on.

    @crazymamaruns

  • If It Makes You Happy

    Hanging With My Peeps

    Here we are.

    One month in.

    I had my check in today with my doctor. We had a good sit down, and even though the tides are slowly turning, there are still some issues. One being: my anxiety is being a jerkwad.

    I go back again in six weeks. We may have to supplement my current prescription if my anxiety doesn’t come down enough.

    This is really good news for me. Starting to feel better this early in the game is a good thing!

    Moving forward is important. Looking back (or too far forward) can be an unpleasant thing for me, so I am trying to focus on each day as it comes.

    Each day I try and start fresh. Sometimes it’s hard, and I try not to complain, but as a human I know I will. So I try to forgive myself.

    One thing I am trying to not do: crush things that make people happy. It serves no purpose to put down something that makes someone happy. I may not like the same things as others, but it doesn’t mean I have to rip someone/something apart because it’s not my thing (except draggy pants because that shit is wrong and not attractive so pull your pants UP! …and criminal activity – jail/prison = NO).

    So, you want to take 500 pictures of yourself with your tongue sticking out? Do it.

    You want to eat Cheez Whiz and (insert whatever here)? Do it.

    You love playing Pokemon Go? Do it.

    You love Crossfit and want to profess your love for it daily? Do it.

    A person’s happiness should not be driven by what everyone else likes.

    DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

    [Like buying yet another Rae Dunn mug…even though you may have no room in your cupboards because it’s full of other Rae Dunn mugs šŸ˜€

    On that note, I better go find a spot for that new mug.]

    @crazymamaruns

  • My Brain, The Jerk

    So, here we are.

    I am 5 days into my dosage upgrade.

    It’s been dizzy and sleepy.

    I can say now that those side effects are slowly retreating, and I am finding it a little easier to get out of bed in the morning.

    I am still chewing the sides of my fingernails, although not as much. Still gross.

    I am thankful for those people around me who have not treated me any different than before I announced I was back on medication to stop going down the rabbit hole (again).

    Saying, and acknowledging, that I need help is a very vulnerable moment.

    The days after that are hard. I feel defeated, and tired. The meds are working on my brain chemistry and I am trying to fight the lie machine that lives inside my head.

    It likes to tell me that I deserve to have people pull away. It reminds me of all the awful things that have happened in my life and tells me it was my fault. It will tell me that everyone is talking shit about me when I’m not around.

    I become even more guarded. I will push people away.

    I will doubt every decision. I will doubt my own capabilities.

    I will overdo things because I think I need to make up for my “deficiency”.

    I will be awkward.

    I will be full of insecurity.

    Knowing that I will get better is not always the ray of light it should be.

    Each day is tackled one at a time.

    I will get through this, even though my brain will tell me otherwise.

    This inner war is exhausting.

    I just need a little patience, and understanding.

    I am doing okay, and I will keep moving forward.

    You can go and suck it, jerk brain.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)

    Today I was able to see my doctor.

    I am very lucky, because I called this morning and got in this afternoon.

    I know I’ve been off kilter for quite some time now (months really) and I’ve been at the edge of the rabbit hole for about the same amount of time.

    I had been able to keep my head above water with running and meditation.

    My depression loves food, and sleep. Lots of food and lots of sleep. It is how it fuels the lie machine.

    I’ve been tired, I mean reaaaalllly tired, for a long time. I sleep a full 8-9ish hours every night.

    When the alarm clock goes off, I drag myself through molasses to get moving. Usually I can enjoy my bed coffee and then get moving.

    Lately it’s been bed coffee and I-want-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-another-eight-hours kind of morning. Every day. Even on the weekend.

    There was also my slow disassociation. I would hear myself talking and be like “Who is that talking? It can’t be me because she sounds like she has her shit together.”

    Please note: SHE DID NOT HAVE HER SHIT TOGETHER.

    This past week I could really notice how I was starting to slowly unravel on the inside. I can’t share it all, because it’s raw right now, and I need to let it be for now.

    But I can share that I had a few conversations with my mom on Saturday, and we drove by the doctor’s office so I could see who was in for the weekend clinic (thanks mom, love you!). Unfortunately it wasn’t my doctor, so I decided then that I would call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment.

    (I am so very lucky, soooooo lucky to have the family doctor I do. She rocks.)

    (Also, to acknowledge my slow brain drain: when I had a conversation with some people at lunch the other day, and then later…when I was on the bus with someone who was sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME during this conversation, I said “remind me to tell you…*insert things from lunch conversation here* that this person already heard because SHE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME . Ugh.)

    So tomorrow, I start using my new (I’ve taken this medication before so it’s like an old new) tool.

    Living with a mental illness is not easy.

    It’s awful to think that there are people out there who are afraid to ask for help.

    I was once afraid to ask for help.

    I am not afraid anymore.

    Suffering (for me) is not an option.

    I am on my way feeling better.

    One day at a time.

  • Mentally Ill Mother: Mentally Ill Daughter (Or: Stop Telling Me Your Tools Are Better Than Mine)

    You would think that with all of the talk around mental health and the options for treatment, that people would be a little more understanding when it comes to folks choosing the best option for them. From what I have been reading lately, this is not the case.

    So, once again, I am telling the condensed story of why I will choose medication when needed (now with TeenThing’s condensed story included).

    Let’s begin:

    Almost 7 years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I was in such a state I could not function as a regular human.

    (Before all of you “physical activity is the best antidepressant” people even start: I was working as a personal trainer when I was diagnosed. I worked out almost every day. I WAS DYING INSIDE.)

    My whole body hurt. Going outside caused me EXTREME anxiety. I would physically shake when I drove. I probably shouldn’t have been driving (oh well, too late to correct that now). I cried at the drop of a hat.

    I was put on medication when my doctor diagnosed me. Between the medication and my weekly/bi-weekly visits with her, I slowly began to come around.

    Eventually, I was able to go off of medication, for a while. I also went back on medication a couple of years later. I am currently not medicated, and that could change.

    Lesson: I do not wish to feel like I cannot function as a human, so when it is required, and all other options are not working, I will choose medication.

    Recently:

    In November of 2017, my daughter was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I posted about her diagnosis and how I was chastised about “putting her on meds”.

    My daughter is a relatively grown human. It was HER decision to go on medication.

    Watching her go through the trial and error process to weed out what was going on was awful.

    She would go to work, and then call to come home. She would be crying. She couldn’t be around people. She became nauseous at the thought of dealing with the public. Our trip to Scotland had it’s moments of ick.

    It was not fun.

    The toolset she was given during the first visit to the doctor was not working.

    When she went back to see the doctor, I was there. I sat, let her talk, and together they discussed options. My daughter made the decision to try medication.

    Today she is doing well. There are still off days, but she is working and functioning.

    Lesson: Her decision, made by her, was the right thing, FOR HER.

    There are people who can manage their illness without being medicated. I am not putting these people down, at all.

    What I am saying is this: We all have tools in our toolkit. Some work better than others. Some things work better for me, some work better for you.

    So please, stop telling me I am using the wrong tool, when it’s my toolbox.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Contemplating 2018

     

    So as I sit and mellow out for the next little while, I am contemplating my “plan” for 2018.

    2017 has been a weird roller coaster ride.Ā  Running, injuries, body imbalances, Mom and TeenThing madness and general chaos.

    I have given myself some time off from running, as I needed to work on a few things.Ā  Hoping to start on fresh feet in 2018 and get back to enjoying my running, instead of seeing it as something I have to work into my schedule.

    Running was my go to for joy, and giving myself some time away from any regular running has me missing it.Ā  So I am happy that that is the case.Ā  Otherwise I’d have some serious thinking to do, lol.

    I have a virtual run to do this week, and would love to do some snow running….we just need the snow to stick around here šŸ˜‰

    One thing I am sticking to is my plan of no race registration for 2018 (THIS HAS BEEN SO FRIGGING HARD!).Ā  My muscle imbalances are a big reason for my injuries and my frustration.Ā  I need to take care of me.

    As always, when approaching a new year I always have hope that it will be full of awesomeness.Ā  How that awesomeness comes my way I really don’t mind.Ā  I just always try to be thankful for things I have.Ā  This isn’t always easy, but I try my best.

    Have a wonderful holiday season.

    Hold those you love close.

    Take some time to unplug and just enjoy the world around you.

    Practice self care.

    Remember that NO ONE is perfect.Ā  We don’t have to be.Ā  It is the imperfections that make us individuals.

    Do not conform.Ā  Be loud.

    Be you.

    No regrets.

    I hope your new year brings you much awesomness, in all shapes and forms.

    I hope to share my re surge of running love in the coming year šŸ™‚

    @crazymamaruns