The Midlife Reframe

Category: single mom

  • Sad Days

    As I sit and type this, I worry.

    My daughter is not doing well.

    It’s been almost 2 weeks since she has started to have suicidal thoughts.

    She left her job because of it, before she saw a physician, because it was unbearable. We were not able to get her an appointment right away, and she was not going to continue to suffer at work.

    She’s under the care of our family physician and her medication has been adjusted significantly.

    I am very lucky. She came to me. She talked to me, and we are navigating this as a family.

    As a Mom, it’s devastating. I am now in a constant state of worry. Trying to take care of myself is hard. The first instinct is to tend to her and push myself to the side. My family reminds me to take care of myself, and I am thankful for that.

    The state of mental heath care is scary. Hearing the stories of people being turned away, people not being given the access to the care they so desperately need, made me forego taking her to Emerg when she first came to me.

    We are managing this with our family physician, and for now, it is working.

    My hope is that we can get a psychologist, but paying outright for one is hard (my daughter is not under a plan), and getting one through the mental health system? Well, it’s going to take forever.

    I am trying to gather up any free resources I can find, and have the telephone numbers of crisis lines if needed.

    We are taking things day by day. That’s the way of it for now.

    Thankful for my support system, and thankful she is still here with me.

    We’ll keep fighting this together.

  • Good Days, Bad Days

    Sometimes it’s good hour, bad hour. Good minute, bad minute.

    I’ve been alternating my good days and bad days lately. I don’t know if it’s the early darkness or just the way things are right now.

    On my bad days I do what I can. If it means missing out on something I had plans on doing, then I miss out. I try to not feel guilty about it, because taking care of myself needs to be a priority.

    This is the struggle. Making myself a priority. Taking care of myself.

    It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and I had plans to run a 5k today. I slept for 11 hours and woke up not wanting to go outside. I was chewing the skin around my fingernails. I decided that it would be best to stay put and work on my anxiety.

    I completed a lapghan and started some other crochet projects to keep my nervous energy under control. I knew that a run would not help me today. I would have questioned every step, every breath. I would have ended up coming back early or hurting myself because I wasn’t paying attention.

    (We did go outside today, to go to my parents for supper.)

    Do I feel bad I didn’t get out for a run? Yes.

    Will I obsess about it? Maybe.

    The thing is, I took care of myself today.

    That is what is important.

    That is what I need to remember.

    We’ll see if I can.

  • I’m Still Here

    I’m still medicated.

    I’m still fighting.

    Things have been hectic lately. Work has been absolutely overwhelming. Life is all over thr place.

    I was out yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. This is the earliest I have started it. I am feeling pretty good about having it started. It has made it easier on my anxiety. I am usually the last minute shopper mid-late December.

    I will still have my fancy Christmas anxiety, just hopefully not as much.

    Medication news: I am now on birth control for my peri menopause, because my body is all out of control with the hormonal stuff. This wreaks more havoc on my body, but is necessary for now.

    So I am medicated, and hormonal. THIS IS GREAT GUYS.

    Just trying to make it through the rest of the year without having some sort of meltdown.

    So far, I am keeping my head above water, although if I could hibernate for three days I would think I would feel a bit more centred.

    Feeling off balance equals feeling a loss of control, and I don’t function well when that happens.

    I am taking the early Christmas shopping as a win, and will trudge on with work. Will need to use my apps for meditation more often so I don’t do the downward spiral.

    I really need to up my water game too. I haven’t been consistent with that. Time to take the Hydro Flask back to work.

    On that note (because I am certain I am about to start rambling) I will leave you with this: remember to take care of yourself, because you matter too.

  • Body Image & Mental Illness

    (This post is about MY experience/struggle with body image and depression/anxiety.)

    See this picture?

    I posted it last week on my Facebook page.

    I have a love hate relationship with this photo, because the thing I see first, is my back bulges from the racer back running bra I am wearing.

    At first, I didn’t see the strong, resilient woman running to bring awareness to mental illness. It took me a day to make peace with this photograph, and to see the strong, resilient woman in it.

    I am now 47 with peri menopause staring me down.  My hormones are out of whack.  My body is changing and I am trying to find the magic solution (haha) to keep myself healthy (I am totally eating a slice of pizza as I write this) and to continue to feel good about myself.

    This is hard with a brain that chemically wants you to be miserable.  Really hard. It’s a fight both physically and mentally.  I can handle dealing with one, but dealing with both at the same time can be extremely overwhelming.

    I’ve struggled with body image before.  This isn’t my first time on the roller coaster.

    I was a personal trainer for a short period of time.  I know what needs to be done to get myself in the “feeling good” zone again.

    I just can’t get into a corner of the ring to take a few minutes to strategize my fight.

    Do I need to be “Skinny?”

    NO.

    Do I need to be healthy?

    YES.

    This is what I have made my peace with: I no longer care about “skinny”.  I can’t.  My brain will latch onto that and I will be back to bending over in the mirror to see how many rolls I have, start planning out my “fasting” moments, and I end up being skinny and NOT HEALTHY.  I’ve been skinny and not healthy quite a few times.  I’ve also been skinny and mentally ill AND not healthy.

    I need to be happy in the body I currently occupy.

    So, running will continue to happen (because it’s a great outlet for me), and I am starting another yoga practice in October for my mind as well as my body.  If I can keep this up for the month, then I can make it a healthy habit.

    Now, FOOD.  I love food, and I do not deprive myself of it.  At all.  I am choosing healthier options, but if I am craving some pizza, I  have some pizza (see earlier paragraph – I am eating some pizza…right now).  Food is fuel, and I need healthy fuel for my body.  But I also realize that I can indulge and it’s not BAD.  I no longer punish myself for eating.  Food is not a punishment or a reward for me.

    I think there is too much focus on weight loss and being “skinny”.  I think we need to encourage each other to start working towards feeling healthy, energized, and happy.  We all occupy a body that was made just for us.  We need to celebrate that.  I need to celebrate that.

    It’s time to get back to the folks that encourage me to work towards a happy, healthy me, no matter what size that is.

    Step 1: Moving every day is now a priority for me, whether it’s a run, a walk, or some yoga.  Just getting out and moving.  Clearing my mind and getting the heart rate up.

    Step 2: I am working towards healthy.

    In this body.

    Because it’s amazing.

    (Step 3: Let’s hope my brain comes around and stops being a jerk, eh?)

  • Following My Path

    After unpacking some of my shit, it was time to forge a new path.

    (I am not done unpacking all my shit. Far from it.)

    I need to start following my own path. For years I have been following someone else’s path, or the path that I thought was expected of me.

    I am still trying to navigate my new path. It’s going to be rough some days, but I am really looking forward to moving ahead, instead of looking back.

    I am learning many things about myself, and I am keeping an open mind when things don’t go the way I hoped they would.

    I am continuing to embrace my mental illness (even on the bad days), and coming to terms with how it is a part of me, but yet doesn’t define me as a human.

    I am slowly making changes in my life, and it feels good.

    So if you see me feeling lost, or putting myself down, give me a poke and remind me: you are moving forward.

    Moving. Forward.

  • Bluenose 15k

    I received a fantastic pep talk close to the end of my 15km race on June 9th.

    It reminded me that even though I thought I had given up, that I could push through that last little bit and cross the finish line.

    Running is a coping skill for me. I can hash things out on a run, or sometimes I hash nothing out and run to forget.

    This run, this run is where I worked some shit out.

    This run was hot.

    This run was hard.

    This run was full of soul searching and forgiveness.

    This run reminded me of what I am capable of. That I am not weak. That I am stronger than I think, physically and mentally.

    I forget that when my depression is trying to sink it’s teeth in.

    I forgave myself for a lot on this run. I forgave a lot of things (and people) on this run.

    When I crossed that finish line, I felt less heavy.

    My legs were screaming, and I was nauseous, but lighter.

    Being kind to yourself is hard.

    Forgiving yourself is hard.

    Remembering that you come first is hard.

    Taking time for yourself is not selfish, it is an investment in your well being.

    YOU are worth the effort.

    Become lighter.

    Become YOU.

    (P.S. Now, this will be so very hard to remember when my depression is bad. Hopefully I can come back to this post and get something small out of it when I need to, and I hope you can too.)

  • So Here’s The Thing

    I still have bad days, even on my medication.

    They do help, good gravy do they help. They keep me from going down the rabbit hole full tilt.

    They don’t “cure” my depression or my anxiety. They never will.

    This week was a circus show. Work went sideways. I am as hormonal as all get out.

    There just wasn’t enough good to bring me up this week.

    Even my runs were a hot mess.

    I missed Parkrun on Saturday because my brain and body were done Friday night and I slept for 12 hours. (I did get out for a run, which was sloggy.)

    I woke up today wanting to bawl my eyes out. Some mornings are like that, and sometimes I can’t shake it, even though I am medicated.

    Thankfully, today was a planned run with my BRF (Best Running Friend), and that really helped to bring me back to a more balanced place.

    I just have to remind myself that the bad days aren’t as bad as they have been, and I have the tools to balance things out.

    If that doesn’t work, I just ride out the bad day, and try again when I wake up.

    It really is day by day.

  • I’m Gonna Do It

    This Tuesday, I start training for a 15km race.

    I am running the Scotibank Bluenose 15km route in June.

    It’s been a staggered start in my running this year with illness and other issues. I will be glad to start a training plan.

    Glad, and extremely nervous.

    I know I can run this distance. I’ve run half marathons.

    My last half was riddled with pre-race injury. I’ve been proactive, and have been working on my glutes so I am not running with my calves.

    It’s worked, but those calf strains are sitting in the back of my head going “Hey, remember us?”

    I try and keep a forward focus. This is not always easy with my brain and how it’s wired, but I will try my hardest to keep looking forward.

    I will be running this race as one of many Worth Living Run Ambassadors (more on this at a later date) to bring awareness to mental illness.

    This won’t be my only race this year, but it will be my largest distance. I am going to mix up 5 and 10 kilometre distances the rest of the year.

    So, I’ll be spewing all kinds of nervous fun over the coming months.

    I’m apologizing in advance, hahahaha.

    Thanks for hanging in there with me!

  • A Chat With My Daughter

    Today I recorded a podcast with my daughter.

    We talked about her mental illness and her journey.

    She did great, and I was happy she was so willing to share that with me and so many others.

    As a parent, you always worry that you are doing things right. As a parent with mental illness, you second guess EVERYTHING you do. I am happy to say that I am pretty sure I raised a good egg.

    Now that she is doing better, she is more open to sharing her struggles. I am super proud of her for that.

    I hope you can take a few minutes out of your day to listen to our chat. It’s something I am very proud of!

  • We’re Doing Okay

    Things are going well.

    My daughter’s meds seem to be working.

    She is slowly beginning to come back into the outside world, and I am very grateful.

    At the end of this week, we are off to sun and sand for a much needed vacation.

    After this vacation it will be a slow return to the gym for my Buggie. Keeping her moving and motivated will be the next step to her feeling better.

    I am absolutely exhausted. Waiting to see if the medication was going to work has been stressful. I didn’t want her to have to start over again, so I had been impatiently waiting to see what the results would be.

    I can’t begin to imagine what was going through her head during this whole process.

    It will be up to her if she wants to share her experience at a later date. For now, we are riding this train and hoping for a steady journey.

    Speaking of sharing, I’ll be sharing our trip on Instagram starting next weekend. Feel free to check it out! https://instagram.com/scrmgin2thevoid?r=nametag