The Midlife Reframe

Category: single mom

  • Brains of a Feather

    We’ve had a rough couple of months.

    My Buggie was just not feeling herself, no matter what we tried.

    She was struggling a lot, and had a hard time getting out of bed. She physically hurt, and had no motivation (she loves to clean, for real, and she has not had the urge to clean anything).

    Getting her to go out has been a struggle. She would be so uncomfortable. Our outings were short ones.

    She became obsessed with her hamster habitat (she kept sending me pictures and ads for bigger ones) and I could not derail her.

    (We didn’t get a bigger habitat- this hamster lives a life of luxury in a huge bin.)

    Things were just not good all around.

    Thankfully, I was able to get her in to see the doctor today. She now has a new medication added to her regimen and we are hoping this works for her. If not, we need to try a whole new medication.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed. Watching her go through this has been hard.

    Having been there myself, I could relate, but I couldn’t fix it. There’s nothing worse than not being able to fix what’s wrong with your child, no matter how old they are.

    So for now, we wait, and see if this new combo works.

    Please let it work.

  • As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

    One thing that my medication doesn’t shake: my want to sleep, ALL THE TIME.

    My depression likes sleep. I love sleep.

    This depression sleep is a whole different beast. It doesn’t like it when I want to get up and do anything productive, like work or running.

    This sleep can be intoxicating to my brain. It wraps itself around it and keeps it cozy. It lies and says that we really don’t HAVE to get up. We can call in sick. We can keep sleeping. We can run later.

    When this sleep takes over, it makes it hard to peel myself out out of bed.

    Bed becomes a sanctuary.

    Mornings become hard. Not even my bed coffee helps.

    I become a zombie walking through molasses.

    I can get through my day. It just takes a little longer to get up to my regular energy level.

    I find the darker months harder. My brain is up for hibernation, and my body is very willing to agree.

    The struggle IS real, yo.

    While many people CAN get out of bed with no issues, I can’t. Also, there are folks who can’t get enough sleep (which is a whole other evil).

    Each person with a mental illness is fighting their own sleep battle.

    We’re all fighting the dark.

    I just need to find my daylight.

  • It’s Almost Winter

    Yes, I know in a lot of places there is snow and it’s cold (both here right now), but the calendar says: not yet.

    I both love and hate this time of year. I love the coziness of winter. The sweaters and blankets, the hot chocolate (and other toasty warm beverages), and the holidays.

    I am not a huge fan of the darkness this time of year. I find it drags me down. This is when I need to start making sure I get in physical activity so that I don’t get into a slump. It’s not as easy as it sounds, that last sentence. It’s hard. I just want to hibernate this time of year. But now, more than any other time, is when I need to kick my own ass and get it out the door as much as I can.

    I’ve signed up for the Resolution Run this year to keep me on top of myself, and of course there is the Solstice Run on the 21st (a run a good friend of mine has organized the past few years to #FightTheDark). I have a 15k race planned for June, and should try and get another distance in between those so I don’t loose momentum.

    Taking 2018 off of running races was both good and bad. Good for my body, and kind of good for my mind, but bad for my momentum, lol.

    I know that others find this time of year hard, for many reasons, and we all need to be mindful that not everyone can “get out of the funk”.

    So, please, try not to belittle someone’s feelings when they just aren’t “festive” during the holidays. They may be struggling just to make it through the day.

    The darkness can really be hard on those who suffer from mental illness, both during the holidays, and after.

    Let’s try and support each other as much as we can through this season.

  • Where My Depression Lives

    I know what you’re thinking.

    Amy, your depression lives in your brain.

    Yes, yes it does.

    But it is, at this very moment, living in my kitchen.

    It is also living in my bedroom.

    These two places are usually the most disorganized spots in my apartment.

    If it migrates to my dining room, I’m in a rut. I will eventually do a big clean and feel a bit better.

    My bedroom fluctuates. Clean/Disaster/Clean/Disaster. It ebbs and flows with my moods.

    It’s akin to my finger chewing with my anxiety.

    My depression needs somewhere to go. It shows itself like this: me surrounding myself with “stuff” to make me feel like I have a fort. I can stay in there and no one can “find” me. This isn’t good, but sometimes it is what it is.

    Another thing about my fort: it gets really hard cleaning it all up after I tear it down.

    Maybe I should just stick to the original blanket fort.

    Less messy, and easier to clean up.

  • I’m a Great Actress

    If you were to meet me without knowing me from social media, you would probably see me as a pretty happy, and fun, person.

    I am. I am a happy person with depression.

    I can hide my mental illness extremely well.

    Most people have no idea that I may be having a bad day.

    It’s not because I don’t want to share it. I just don’t want to place that burden on others.

    You can say otherwise to me for days. I see it as a burden.

    I am a military brat. We moved a lot. I learned to assess and adapt.

    So, every day, I assess and adapt.

    My medication doesn’t erase my depression and anxiety. It lessens the demeaning whispers, and the constant hourly battle with my brain.

    I still have not-so-good days, and I realize that I should be sharing them.

    It’s something I need to feel comfortable doing. It’s not as easy as people think.

    I’m working on it.

    Until then, the Actress will continue her job, and hide what I am uncomfortable sharing.

  • The Finger Saga Continues

    In case you are wondering, the glue on nails I used to try and save the skin around my fingernails could have been successful, had they been a little bit shorter.

    I spend all day on a computer at work and typing was a little bit cumbersome with the “real short” (not really) nails that I chose.

    They lasted almost a week, but I had to take them off because: typing. I was kind of sad, because I loved the french tip look of them.  My hands were super cute!

    I need to find the “tight fit” nails and give them a go.

    Needless to say, my fingers have suffered my wrath this week.  Two bloody ones and multiple chewed up ones.  Just when I thought they were getting a break.

    Sigh.

    I would try gel nails, but the cost and upkeep would be an added expense right now.

    So, if you want to try some glue on nails, I would recommend the KISS brand.  The Impress nails did not stand up to all the hand washing I do throughout the day.  The glue is required for maximum stick-age.

    Please pray for my fingers…and my brain.

    My brain is control here.  I need to remind it that my fingers don’t like bleeding.

  • Laugh, If You Can

    Life can be a big jerk.

    Something our family is good at is finding the humour in adverse situations.

    This past week has been rough with a family member’s surgery, but we’ve been able to have a laugh (Thanks Snapchat).

    Laughing has gotten me through some pretty rough times.

    Example: When I was first diagnosed with my depression, the first couple of weeks were pretty rough.

    I was at my parent’s apartment one day when my brother arrived. He came into the kitchen and said hi. He then asked me how the voices in my head were. I paused, and said “Just one minute…..Yep, we’re good today.”

    We had a good laugh. It wasn’t at my expense. My brother knew what I needed at that moment.

    That being said, I really think you need to know your audience when being a goof during rough times.

    Bad form can just hurt feelings, and that is not cool.

    But if you can, laugh.

    Sometimes we need it.

    😊

  • Stress?? Anxiety?? Let’s Bounce a Leg, Shall We?

    We’ve already talked about my other anxiety induced problem of chewing the skin around my fingernails, so let’s talk about the bouncing leg.

    Today on my Podcast I talked about the things I do when I’m stressed and/or my anxiety is off the charts.

    Right up with the skin chewing, is leg bouncing.

    This isn’t so bad if I am alone at my kitchen table.

    (FYI: It’s usually my right leg.)

    At work it creates a problem for me because then my desk shakes (or at least it feels like it does). This isn’t a problem in the morning, because that is when I am usually standing. Can’t bounce my leg standing up!

    Once I sit down in the afternoon, lookout.

    It could last for 5 minutes, or it could last for 20 minutes.

    My body is full of so much nervous energy that there is nowhere for it to go. It gets diverted through chewing, or bouncing.

    Both of these things are happening even with my medication. It’s not as severe, but it’s still there.

    Today I also discovered that I will say “um” and “so” a lot when I think I am going off the beaten track and lack confidence in myself.

    So, I am crocheting to help with the chewing (and some new fake nails), and I have started doing yoga at home to help with keeping myself centred and balanced.

    Stay tuned for an update next week to see how everything is working out 😊

  • Let’s Get Running

    Looking ahead to the next year as a whole isn’t something that comes easy to me.

    Just typing this is making me itch with anxiety (for real, my arms are itchy).

    I have decided to start planning my races for next year. I will be running all as a Worth Living Run Ambassador to bring awareness to mental illness.

    I have already registered for the 15k distance at the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon in June.

    I am registering for the Resolution Run this week.

    So far, I have these on the list as possible races:

    • Epic Canadian
    • Navy 10k
    • Maritime Race Weekend (or Canada Army Run)
    • Valley Harvest
    • Food Run

    These may change, but knowing that I gave my body the break it needed, and not looking to run anything over 15k, has me getting the “urge” to run again.

    Also, being back on medication and giving myself the time to heal up a bit mentally has helped so, so much as well.

    Setting these races up gives me something to work towards and are goals that are just big enough for some continuous motivation.

    Running as an Ambassador for something I am passionate about is a very big motivator for me. I am really looking forward to it.

    Okay, I need to stop itching, so I have to jet.

    Hope you’ll follow along with my running journey in 2019!!

  • Forgiving Myself

    Sometimes I have a big problem.

    I can’t forgive myself.

    I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.

    This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.

    It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.

    The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.

    People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.

    My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.

    Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.

    The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.

    Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.

    Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.

    If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.

    If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.

    Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.

    I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.

    It’s time to be kind to me.