The Midlife Reframe

Category: self care

  • Recovery?? Or Attempting Recovery??

    So.

    I had therapy Thursday.

    I have been keeping my therapist up to date with EVERYTHING going on at work…at home…with my coping mechanisms.

    I talked about my fatigue, but how I noticed a change. My window of tolerance has gotten a “bit” bigger.

    I’m still tired at work, BUT it’s different. I sleep well (thank you Clam Sleep Stories) and I am okay when I get to work, then an hour or two after I start my day, I’m drained mentally.

    Now, the 3 months prior, I was EXHAUSTED. A walking zombie.

    Pure survival mode.

    Burnt the fuck out.

    After talking about how I am navigating my days and weekends, my therapist told me I am going through burnout recovery.

    In a “perfect” world, I would be able to work half days to facilitate my recovery.

    We are far from a perfect world.

    My evenings and weekends are low key.

    I am getting the rest I so desperately need. I have been sleeping late on the weekends, something I haven’t done in quite some time.

    Thank fuck for my family. They do what I can’t. They support what I need when I need it.

    It’s one day at a time.

    Now that the weather is starting to change, I just need some sunny weekends so I can relax on the balcony (I tried when the sun finally came out later this afternoon….it’s freezing, lol).

    Let’s see how June treats me.

  • Another Week

    This week was a bit of an up and down event.

    I’m finding that I am getting my energy back, and I’m able to handle my days better.

    Keeping my boundaries at work is making a difference.

    Taking care of myself, and getting the rest I need is also helping.

    It’s Mother’s Day, and sunny. I have always known how the weather affects my mood, and I am thankful that after the grey and rainy day yesterday I am able to enjoy a boost in mood.

    Also, summer vacation will be something to look forward to. Will need to plan that out soon, so I can get it in my work calendar and have a much needed break with my peeps!

    I hope that this increase in energy is the turning point in my burnout.

    I’m beginning to take other steps to safeguard my mental health, and moving forward is a big step.

    Increasing my learning, planning hikes, and giving myself permission to put myself first are some of the first steps once I am back at 100%.

    Let’s see how this week goes!

  • What I’m Leaving Behind

    Well, here we are. 2022.

    I’ve decided there are things I am leaving behind in 2021, because they no longer serve me.

    I am keeping myself open to good things. Leaving behind my fear of not being good enough to receive the good things.

    I am owning my faults. Leaving behind the thought that I need to be perfect. I am embracing my full self.

    I am also leaving behind the thought that my body is ugly. I embrace the beauty of this vessel I have been given to live in.

    I am leaving behind the thought that I am unlovable. I am so loveable it’s crazy.

    I am leaving behind my jaded views. They only bog me down.

    I am on a mission to find the joy in simple things, leaving behind the idea that the big things are the only joyful things in my life.

    I will be easier on myself, leaving behind the idea that I need to be hard on myself to be better.

    I am always learning, and will not be ashamed to say so, leaving behind the shame.

    I will no longer run away from the good things in my life, nor will I back down when challenged.

    This will take work, bit I am willing to do it. There is still so much of my life to live, and I want to LIVE it.

    Let’s do this.

  • Good Days, Bad Days

    Sometimes it’s good hour, bad hour. Good minute, bad minute.

    I’ve been alternating my good days and bad days lately. I don’t know if it’s the early darkness or just the way things are right now.

    On my bad days I do what I can. If it means missing out on something I had plans on doing, then I miss out. I try to not feel guilty about it, because taking care of myself needs to be a priority.

    This is the struggle. Making myself a priority. Taking care of myself.

    It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and I had plans to run a 5k today. I slept for 11 hours and woke up not wanting to go outside. I was chewing the skin around my fingernails. I decided that it would be best to stay put and work on my anxiety.

    I completed a lapghan and started some other crochet projects to keep my nervous energy under control. I knew that a run would not help me today. I would have questioned every step, every breath. I would have ended up coming back early or hurting myself because I wasn’t paying attention.

    (We did go outside today, to go to my parents for supper.)

    Do I feel bad I didn’t get out for a run? Yes.

    Will I obsess about it? Maybe.

    The thing is, I took care of myself today.

    That is what is important.

    That is what I need to remember.

    We’ll see if I can.

  • Bluenose 15k

    I received a fantastic pep talk close to the end of my 15km race on June 9th.

    It reminded me that even though I thought I had given up, that I could push through that last little bit and cross the finish line.

    Running is a coping skill for me. I can hash things out on a run, or sometimes I hash nothing out and run to forget.

    This run, this run is where I worked some shit out.

    This run was hot.

    This run was hard.

    This run was full of soul searching and forgiveness.

    This run reminded me of what I am capable of. That I am not weak. That I am stronger than I think, physically and mentally.

    I forget that when my depression is trying to sink it’s teeth in.

    I forgave myself for a lot on this run. I forgave a lot of things (and people) on this run.

    When I crossed that finish line, I felt less heavy.

    My legs were screaming, and I was nauseous, but lighter.

    Being kind to yourself is hard.

    Forgiving yourself is hard.

    Remembering that you come first is hard.

    Taking time for yourself is not selfish, it is an investment in your well being.

    YOU are worth the effort.

    Become lighter.

    Become YOU.

    (P.S. Now, this will be so very hard to remember when my depression is bad. Hopefully I can come back to this post and get something small out of it when I need to, and I hope you can too.)

  • Forgiving Myself

    Sometimes I have a big problem.

    I can’t forgive myself.

    I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.

    This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.

    It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.

    The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.

    People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.

    My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.

    Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.

    The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.

    Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.

    Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.

    If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.

    If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.

    Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.

    I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.

    It’s time to be kind to me.

  • I’m a Fainter

    Last weekend I fainted while sitting in a pedicure chair.

    An ambulance was called.

    My daughter was a rockstar (which is good, because I now know she can navigate a situation like that without freaking).

    I was checked out by the paramedics, and then went to see a doctor who ordered some bloodwork.

    I had a medication check in today, and decided to tackle this first before the med discussion.

    All my bloodwork came back normal, and everything checks out with respect to my heart (no murmur, and my blood pressure was normal today).

    The diagnosis (after a lengthy discussion): I am prone to vasovagal attacks. My doctor said it’s nothing to worry about, and told me what I could do the next time I feel it coming on.

    Then we talked about how I was doing on the Abilify.

    We discussed how I was feeling, and decided that since this is working for me, she will keep me on it in addition to the Cipralex.

    So, a successful visit today. Now that I am sorted medication wise, I can schedule a visit when I need to.

    This is what I’ve been working towards.

    I will never be 100%, but I am a solid baseline of 85% for now and that works for me!

    (And no, I haven’t gone back for the pedicure, lol!)

    😊

  • Chewing The Skin Around My Nails

    Yes.

    I chew the skin around my fingernails.

    It’s a stress/anxiety solution to “getting rid” of my feelings.

    I will chew them, sometimes, until they bleed. Especially when my anxiety levels are high.

    My new meds have helped with the daily chewing. I am starting to slow my roll.

    I am now wearing fake nails to help stop this madness. If they stay on for a bit, and my fingers get better, I may consider gel nails at the salon.

    Anything to stop me from doing it. Anything to make me not feel ashamed about my hands.

    When I was a teenager they had stuff you could put around your nails that tasted bad so you would not chew your skin.

    I still chewed.

    Nail polish doesn’t stop me either.

    It’s not something I can “just stop”. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it hurts.

    It’s not noticeable unless you look really close. It’s really noticeable when I get out of the shower, or right after I do dishes. You can see my chew marks.

    UGH.

    For now, I am going to see how these nails pan out and hope for the best.

    I’ll let you know how it goes.

  • Clearing Out The Cobwebs

    There comes a time, when I am “better”, that I reevaluate a lot of things in my life: Why am I holding onto so many things? What purpose do they serve? Why am I holding onto this anger from 10 years ago?

    Lately, I have been pulling down those cobwebs that I have been looking at, but never do anything about.

    They aren’t making me happy.

    They aren’t supporting me in any way.

    They are taking up space that can be used by something that will make me happy and help me feel supported.

    I’ve changed a lot the past few years, and I am definitely NOT the woman I was 10 years ago.

    So it’s time to clean house.

    I need to make room for the good, so the next bad time in my life doesn’t feel so dark.

    #WorthLiving

  • Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)

    Today I was able to see my doctor.

    I am very lucky, because I called this morning and got in this afternoon.

    I know I’ve been off kilter for quite some time now (months really) and I’ve been at the edge of the rabbit hole for about the same amount of time.

    I had been able to keep my head above water with running and meditation.

    My depression loves food, and sleep. Lots of food and lots of sleep. It is how it fuels the lie machine.

    I’ve been tired, I mean reaaaalllly tired, for a long time. I sleep a full 8-9ish hours every night.

    When the alarm clock goes off, I drag myself through molasses to get moving. Usually I can enjoy my bed coffee and then get moving.

    Lately it’s been bed coffee and I-want-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-another-eight-hours kind of morning. Every day. Even on the weekend.

    There was also my slow disassociation. I would hear myself talking and be like “Who is that talking? It can’t be me because she sounds like she has her shit together.”

    Please note: SHE DID NOT HAVE HER SHIT TOGETHER.

    This past week I could really notice how I was starting to slowly unravel on the inside. I can’t share it all, because it’s raw right now, and I need to let it be for now.

    But I can share that I had a few conversations with my mom on Saturday, and we drove by the doctor’s office so I could see who was in for the weekend clinic (thanks mom, love you!). Unfortunately it wasn’t my doctor, so I decided then that I would call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment.

    (I am so very lucky, soooooo lucky to have the family doctor I do. She rocks.)

    (Also, to acknowledge my slow brain drain: when I had a conversation with some people at lunch the other day, and then later…when I was on the bus with someone who was sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME during this conversation, I said “remind me to tell you…*insert things from lunch conversation here* that this person already heard because SHE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME . Ugh.)

    So tomorrow, I start using my new (I’ve taken this medication before so it’s like an old new) tool.

    Living with a mental illness is not easy.

    It’s awful to think that there are people out there who are afraid to ask for help.

    I was once afraid to ask for help.

    I am not afraid anymore.

    Suffering (for me) is not an option.

    I am on my way feeling better.

    One day at a time.