I wake up every day and check in with whatever emotion is at the top of the list.
I acknowledge it.
If I can, I ride it out. I am more willing nowadays to face what I am feeling and accept it.
This doesn’t work for everyone, and I acknowledge that.
I believe that accepting how I feel gives me the power to ride whatever wave comes at me.
I can’t choose every day to be happy. My brain isn’t wired that way.
I wanted to believe this very much after I was first diagnosed with depression. That I could choose my emotions each day. I drowned myself in motivational memes and quotes.
It became exhausting, deciding/choosing to be happy, because I really wasn’t. I wanted to be. I just couldn’t force it. I couldn’t motivational quote/meme myself into happiness.
I’ve been living with my diagnosis for almost 7 years now. Medicated twice.
I’ve learned what works for me. This illness is a very individual thing. What works for one person may not work for another.
I embrace my good days and ride out the bad.
Find what works for you and embrace it. Know that it may not work for someone else.
Support each other.
Be kind.
Realize it’s not always a choice, and that’s okay.
I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?
Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.
It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.
You think you are making headway.
You look up.
You’re in the same spot.
You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.
Same. Fucking. Spot.
This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.
(Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)
I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.
I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.
So, if you’ve been following along lately, you have been witness to my roller coaster, love/hate relationship with my fitness.
Having multiple injuries and running through them made my body go full stop.
Reality Check: I needed to stop.
I needed to reassess my body.
I needed a break.
Running through my injuries hell bent on finishing up a season took its toll on me not only physically, but mentally as well.
Not taking time to seriously work on the muscle weakness in my body just made it harder.
What I loved doing became something I was beginning to despise. I was associating it with pain.
It was becoming mentally exhausting to get myself motivated to run. To move. So different from the feelings I associated with my running. There was no more joy.
After taking a little break from everything, I took some time this weekend to think about what this year would look like for me.
It’s still a little up in the air right now, but I took the first step today. One minute plank.
Tomorrow will be step 2. I will decide whatever step that is when I wake up, lol.
Commercials on TV are trying to sell you a new life: weight loss, gym memberships, etc.
This does start well before the holiday season, and can be overwhelming as shit.
I’ve done the resolution thing, and I’ve also done the intentions thing. This year I am just continuing on with my journey. A year of finding myself, reminding my body that it can do amazing things, and not crapping on myself every day, lol.
It’s been weird not going into the start of year not training for a half marathon. I’m full of restless energy, but yet super tired at the same time.
With everyone around me on social media ploughing into the new year with training plans and mega runs, it is a struggle to not beat myself up if I don’t get in a run, or the gym, or a walk. I’ve decided I am going to try and NOT make myself feel bad for not going out of the gate with any type of training plan (run or gym) as it is not in my best interest mentally. I have just gotten back to WANTING to lace up, and my calves are still a tad cranky. Working on my glutes has made quite a difference, but there is still some work to do.
I know, a lot of folks think that daily physical fitness is the best solution for mental illness. Yes, it helps, but it isn’t the only solution. Mental illness is complicated.
Besides, this time of year is hard enough for me. I honestly just want to curl up and hibernate. Trying to embrace the winter is a challenge, but I am working on it.
One way to embrace the colder weather: I can skate outside. There is a marsh up the road from me, so I went for a little spin the other day. I had the spot to myself and had a great time. [MEGA BONUS: Today my calves are very happy, so this is something I am planning to enjoy more of this year.]
Belchers Marsh. Skating with chairs and a tire, lol
I am also trying to remind myself to breathe each day. To take even one minute to just sit and pause (well, my watch reminds to do this, lol).
So if you didn’t hop on the resolution train like me, don’t be concerned. Continuing on your journey, your way, is what is important.
Realistically, my moment in the journey is here: I am just trying to survive right now, and that’s okay.
So as I sit and mellow out for the next little while, I am contemplating my “plan” for 2018.
2017 has been a weird roller coaster ride. Running, injuries, body imbalances, Mom and TeenThing madness and general chaos.
I have given myself some time off from running, as I needed to work on a few things. Hoping to start on fresh feet in 2018 and get back to enjoying my running, instead of seeing it as something I have to work into my schedule.
Running was my go to for joy, and giving myself some time away from any regular running has me missing it. So I am happy that that is the case. Otherwise I’d have some serious thinking to do, lol.
I have a virtual run to do this week, and would love to do some snow running….we just need the snow to stick around here 😉
One thing I am sticking to is my plan of no race registration for 2018 (THIS HAS BEEN SO FRIGGING HARD!). My muscle imbalances are a big reason for my injuries and my frustration. I need to take care of me.
As always, when approaching a new year I always have hope that it will be full of awesomeness. How that awesomeness comes my way I really don’t mind. I just always try to be thankful for things I have. This isn’t always easy, but I try my best.
Have a wonderful holiday season.
Hold those you love close.
Take some time to unplug and just enjoy the world around you.
Practice self care.
Remember that NO ONE is perfect. We don’t have to be. It is the imperfections that make us individuals.
Do not conform. Be loud.
Be you.
No regrets.
I hope your new year brings you much awesomness, in all shapes and forms.
I hope to share my re surge of running love in the coming year 🙂
We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.
I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.
A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week. One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.
Let’s be clear:
She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now. When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there. FOR MONTHS.
If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.
Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER. Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone. There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it. It really is about time people start thinking this way. I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.
I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It’s sad that I am used to it.
BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:
On the way home tonight I made a decision.
Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.
No judgement.
Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.
A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.
A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.
I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.
I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while. But I didn’t. All good on the Mama front for now.
A very happy me (a sick me, lol) after a wonderful 5k at the Valley Harvest Marathon Weekend in Wolfville.
As I sit here and type this post, it is Thanksgiving Monday in Canada.
We had a great turkey feast yesterday, after a very early morning traveling so I could run a 5k at the 25th Anniversary of the Valley Harvest Marathon.
I have a lingering head cold, and was thankful I felt well enough to run this beautiful course.
I have one more run this season, the Food Run to support Feed Nova Scotia next weekend here in my neighbourhood.
After having a great run yesterday in Wolfville, part of me started to question my decision to take a break from racing next year (I say this as I think…”well, maybe a few 5ks wouldn’t be so bad”, or “well, maybe some trail running would be better for me”, lol). As runners we push ourselves to our physical and mental limits. We question why we do this to ourselves as we run, but then bask in the afterglow.
Running has always been cathartic for me. I see things differently after a run. It gives me a fresh perspective on things. It connects me to my inner peace.
The reality of the situation is this: my body is out of balance. My weak muscles are the ones that need to be strong, and my strong muscles are making up for the weak. This is why I need to dial back and work on the imbalances.
Mentally I need the break from the constant pressure I put myself under. No one is harder on me, than me. Trust me on that.
The running community is a great source of support for me. I can draw strength and ask for advice. They do not judge. They seek to understand and offer advice. I am grateful for that. They see my back and forth as a struggle to do what’s right for me and my need to lace up and head out.
I am truly looking forward to working on myself, taking the time to figure out my body at 45 years old, and find out what it is truly capable of.
So, you’ll still see me out on the road, but you’ll also see me in the gym. It’s part of the mind/body relationship I’ve ignored for too long.
This is where things sit, and I’m really okay with it 🙂
Hoping you’ll continue to come along with me to see where my running will take me down this fork in the road.
I know that my mental illness contributes to my “I can’t people” moments. I’ve learned that is just a part of who I am now, and that’s okay.
I had a really bad anxiety filled “OMG I am going to be out in a group on the open water” moment Friday night. This was right before my 2nd sea kayaking adventure at East Coast Outfitters on Saturday. Now, I absolutely LOVE this activity. Like LOVE LOVE. But I had this “how can I get out if it” moment that I had to sit down and talk myself out of.
It is always worth it in the end, going out and doing something I love.
Happy Me. I have awesome friends.
The struggle is real. REAL. So, to show you the weirdness that is me, here are some of my confessions:
I get the heebie jeebies just about every morning on the bus. Especially if it is full. I have to listen to my meditation app, a podcast, or turn up my music and try to make myself small so no one is touching me. I only talk if it is necessary, like if the bus is on fire.
I love people watching, just sitting out amongst the everyday hustle and bustle, but being in a large crowd turns me into a flight risk on occasion. The “world is closing in on me” feeling sneaks up and turns me into a panic stricken ball looking for the nearest way out.
I get excited to make plans with my friends to do something AWESOME. About 4 to 24 hours after the fact, my brain hijacks my heart and starts to plan an escape route.
I can work a party like a rockstar, once I’ve had time to analyze the room. If there are too many “in my face people”, I start to plan my stealth, ninja-like, exit.
I love being in crowds and meeting new people. Depending on my level of social energy, you may get the low down of who I am and what I stand for, or you just get the Cole’s Notes version of me.
I may want to spend every weekend out and about, but that drains the fun out of me. There are days I don’t leave the apartment, and it doesn’t bother me at all. Silence and a reboot are what I need.
In the right environment, I will flourish. I just need to be with the right energy.
So, if I seem a little “stand offish”, I’m not. I’m just feeling you (and my surroundings) out.
The Midlife Reframe 