The Midlife Reframe

Category: blogger

  • The Post Where I Talk About the Balance Between "Putting it Out There" and "Keeping Things Private"

    Because Let’s Face It…

    If I told you ALL of my life, ya’ll would definitely run away and hide, lol.

    When I first started on this Blog journey (over a year ago, wow!), it was after some deliberation.  Wallowing in my “I can’t run because I am injured” state was NOT helping matters and I needed an outlet since I couldn’t run.
    I wanted to be vocal about my mental illness and how my running was (and will be, come August 1st) a big factor to keeping myself focused.
    My ex was a big part of the beginning of this blog.  He was an amazing support to me with respect to choosing a platform and encouraging me to write when I expressed a strong opinion about something during our conversations.  He is a part of why this blog is what it is today.  Thank you!

    But…. I thought you loved sharing your story?

    I do.
    The big part of being vocal about anything you have a passion for on Social Media is keeping a part of yourself for you.  Learning to not “overshare” is a big lesson.
    I think we all need to keep our own bubble of privacy for whatever WE decide to keep for ourselves.  If I were to share my very very very innermost thoughts and daily goings on, you’d be two things: scared of me AND annoyed, lol.  Being my brain is a hard job 😉

    And I do love my followers!

    I have met some amazing people on Social Media.  Through my blog, Twitter, Facebook, PodCamp.  I am very glad to call quite a few folks my friends.  
    The running community has been a large support for me as I work my way back to starting to run again.
    Connecting with other moms, especially the local crew, has been awesome.

    I also love that I have so many people who get my anxiety and depression on Social Media.  This is great when I have insomnia or just need to talk about the funk I am in.  
    Those who suffer along with me get it, and if we can lift each other up, I am all for it.  I think sometimes just knowing you are not the only one who is feeling or thinking a certain way can alleviate a little bit of the load off of the shoulders.
    Because I know that I have an amazing Social Media family that will support me in whatever way I need, I do my best to reciprocate if needed.

    Now that being said…

    I share what I can about my struggles with both mental illness, physical fitness, and being a mom.  I try to keep private what I want to keep private.  Because life is life.  Sometimes it sucks and I don’t want to share the sucky parts.
    So trust me when I say you are getting a large piece of me on Social Media.  I keep the yucky parts to myself, for everyone’s peace of mind, lol.

    I hope that you continue to share what you can with me, with the interwebs, with the Twitter-ers, the FaceBookers.  
    Because I think we have a great thing going here.

    xo

    #crazymamaruns









     

  • The Post Where I Need to Tell You Something…..

    But First….Migraines

    I had one of the most EVIL migraines in a very long time on Sunday.

    It was a very yucky Sunday
    It all started out with what I thought was a just a bad headache….but NO.  It turned on it’s hatred full strength.  Nausea, dry heaving, and all kinds of evil pain.  I had to take 2 of my migraine pills, which has not been the norm for quite some time.  There were many factors at play, but I had no idea they would culminate into superstorm PAIN.
    I am thankful for V, as she looked after her Mom and hung out in bed to keep me (silently) company.
    Needless to say, I am back to tracking triggers.

    Okay….so SPILL IT

    Well, as most of you know, I am able to start running in about a month.
    Joining me on my journey will be V.  She is going to be a big part of my return, as she will be keeping me on task.

    This will be great, not only because I can share what I love with my daughter, but because I am SCARED.

    Of what?

    Of hurting myself.  Of feeling pain.  Of hurting myself.


    V’s “new to the sport” status will allow me to start all over again.  Which is what I really need to do.  
    Slow and steady.  
    My body will want to “go go go”, but my goal for my “second chance” will be to do it right.  Proper form, proper fueling and a consistent gym schedule for strength training will be paramount in my comeback.  
    I have been a little obsessive with thoughts on fueling and the lot (thanks anxiety).  But taking a step back and focusing on keeping my body strong and my mind calm are important right now.
    Also, thinking about running with my BRB is keeping me on the positive train 🙂

    Before I go…..OMG LOOK, I AM FAMOUS!


    All kinds of awesome up in here!!


    That is me with some of my @RunAtCan crew and John Stanton during the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon Expo here in May.  Can’t tell you how awesome this makes me feel!

    Tomorrow is Canada Day here, so much fun will be had.  Happy 148th Canada!!

    Also, to my American friends, have a fantastic 4th of July this coming weekend!

    Party safely.  Party responsibly.

    Until next time…..

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • Strength Training, Sole Sisters Race, and Life in General

    And so it begins…

    My strength training has started back up.  My body is like…WHOA, what are this?
    I may have lifted a little too much this week, so I am going to have to rethink my upper body weights a little, lol.  Lower body weights are just right, and my legs feel good.  Getting some cardio in on the elliptical and rowing machine and working my core as well.

    Lunchtime workouts -> Stress relievers!!
    Having a gym in the office building is great!  It gets me away from my desk at lunch 😉

    And this weekend, we volunteered!

     

    This weekend was Sole Sisters Race.   This is a race I have yet to run, but after TeenThing and I volunteered yesterday, she is all up for running it with her mom next year! 
    It was a very wet, rainy and chilly day, but 3200 women came out to walk and/or run with their moms, sisters, daughters and friends for what was a sea of purple tutu awesomeness.
    Best part – the rain stopped before the race! 

    (Note: we had a bus debacle and got soaked walking to the event, lol)

    This tshirt is soooooo soft!

    Look at all these tutus!

    Thankfully the rain stopped!

    And the start line filled up FAST!

    Teen Thing and I working bag check!
    It was a great day and great turnout!  I also ran into one of my @RunAtCan peeps and took a group photo for her!  But…..we forgot to take a pic with each other, lol.
    They have added new distances for 2016.  If you are looking for a fun race to do with the ladies – check it out!!

    What else is shakin’?

    Well, I made it through the step down off my meds.  It was touch and go there for a while.  Some crappy stuff happened and I was able to deal with my newfound coping skills, so, all good!
    ** Not saying this is a “Woohoo my life will be med free” journey, because I am a realist, but for now I am okay.
    TeenThing has shown some interest in running, so since I am basically going to be starting over she is going to tag along 🙂  This is good, because it will keep me on a plan and not go bonkers when I lace up.
    So for now, that is what’s going down around here.

    My FitBit?

    I’m wearing it.  Not accepting any challenges.  Just seeing where it takes me.

    So tune in next week….I’ll be keeping you in the loop about all things #crazymamaruns!
     

  • Not Gonna Lie…I’ve Been a Slacker

    Yes, I’ve Been Absent…

     

    It’s not because I haven’t wanted to write, because I have a gazillion things in my brain, but a lot of life has gotten in the way.

    I have been flat out at work, and when I get home, I have enough in me to make supper, do “something” and then crash.

    Not a fantastic or ideal scenario, but as a single mom, sometimes this happens.

    That’s right….sometimes, life DOES get in the way!

    This has also affected my physical fitness, which means less yoga (but I was still doing my physio exercises – because my comeback is looming!).

    I noticed how much I was affected IN A BIG WAY when I went for my massage therapy last Friday.

    I haven’t had a massage in well over a year (bad Amy) and when I came out of that deep tissue massage, I was a different person.

    I didn’t hurt immediately.  But by 9pm, I was super sleepy and sore.  Not a bad sore, but a “holy-crap-I-was-so-tight-this-feels-weird” sore.

    We worked on my “running parts” – so everything from my lower back down was out of commission, lol.  It took a couple of days for everything to come back, but I can tell a difference for sure.  He also gave me some stretches which are making a big difference as well.

    So….when do you think you will be running again?

     

    I have been “cleared” for August.  And that was me saying “August is good, right?” to my PT.

    Not saying I won’t listen, but if I continue my strength training and start as a beginner, I am hoping to start a run/walk in July.  This is so I can include my daughter in my training and hopefully foster a love of running in her, as she has shown interest (woop!).

    What about the gym?

     

    This week has been a write off.  Two full day meeting with working lunches zapped me.  Small yoga shesh at home.  Wednesday was another day that I just had nothing and today, well I just wanted to get through today. 

    My “Meh” Wednesday Face…

    (TeenThing and I will be partaking in some sort of pilates/yoga/walk thing here shortly.)

    Are these excuses?  No.

    In my short past life as a personal trainer, I would have said yes.  But, being a human being managing her mental illness, these are not excuses.  Stress takes a toll and with the anxiety lurking, it can knock me down.  

    I know that, for me, I need to take a step back and meditate, relax and sleep.  Physical activity sometimes, is just not an option.  My brain needs the step down.  My body will bounce back quicker.

    What about your FitBit?

     

    I know you are all wondering about it.

    It is still on my dresser.

    Will I wear it again?  Yes.

    Next month?  Maybe.  We’ll see.

    Now that I can confidently say it doesn’t define me as person, I will be comfortable putting it back on.

    Comeback Race?

     

    Deciding.  Once I get a good solid running foundation under my belt, I will be able to book something confidently.

    I have some lined up.  So come back soon to see what I’ve got up my sleeve!

    #crazymamaruns

  • When Life Throws You Lemons…..

    Well, we all have our ending to this phrase, lol.

    I say throw because the good and bad are not always handed to you.  Sometimes it comes right at you.
    To say the last week has been trying would be correct.
    I won’t sit here and lament or wax poetic.  Mostly because a lot of it is private and I am respecting other people’s privacy.  They all deserve that.

    What the heck does that have to do with lemons and crap?

    Well, struggling with depression on and off for 4 years has really given me insight.  Being off my meds and dealing with ALL THE FEELINGS has been working out okay. Sometimes I follow my own insight.  Sometimes I hide in my fort. 

    But it’s a choice.

    A choice to hide from the world and think about all the crappy things….OR….find what makes you happy and embrace life.  Even the crap.  Because the crap is a lesson.

    A good friend of mine challenged a few of us to write down what we were grateful for this week.  I’ve saved it in my email, because it’s something I want to add to and when I look at it I remember that my life isn’t so sucky as I sometimes think.

    It has, this week anyway, put things into perspective for me.

    I know what motivates me, and what doesn’t.

    With this knowledge I am beginning this week anew.

    Building a better, faster, stronger Amy.

    (A small snippet from my list:

    Water.

    Watermelon.

    Kites.

    Skates.

    Sneakers.

    Lululemon….lol.

    Running skirts.

    My depression and anxiety – because I am forced to take a step back and focus.)

    What will this entail Amy??

    Well, I am looking into purchasing a bike.  Not being cleared to run yet (BUT, I have been cleared to run in the Fall – Booya!) I am looking for something challenging that will get me outside.  Don’t get me wrong, I love walking.  I just need something different.
    Also, much core and upper body work (don’t worry, I will not cancel leg day, haha) to carry me through when my legs are thinking about giving up during my races next year.


    This is a “start again” moment, and I am taking advantage of it.

    What will we be seeing?

    More insightful posts (hopefully! lol), related to my new journey.

    Encouragement, support, some high fives, and lots of funny.

    Because what’s life without funny!

    So come along, ask questions, and join in on the conversation 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • What The Heck Has Been Going On??? (Part 2)

    Wellll……

    What we woke up to during Storm #1
    This past week on the East Coast of Canada has not been ideal.  While other parts of the country have actually been having a transition into Spring, we have had THIS. Snow snow and more snow 😦

    After the Storm #1 (EC has the snow on the ground for this day at 34 cms) during Saturday evening/Sunday Morning, they were forecasting (at first) 5cms for Tuesday eve into Wednesday.
    My 4:30ish am shot on Wednesday.
    We woke up to SNOWMAGGEDON. 
    For those who are not aware, in February 2004 we had quite a blizzard, which was dubbed “White Juan”.  It was given this name because on September 29, 2003, Halifax was hit with Hurricane Juan.  (The name Juan was retired after this storm)
    I was living here during both storms.  Both powerful, both causing damage and states of emergency.
    So when I looked out my window on Wednesday morning, I was not hopeful that it would be ending any time soon.

     

    So much for 5cms…which was then upgraded to 30cms, and then….this.

    And it didn’t.  It snowed….ALL DAY…..and into the evening.  My office was closed, Halifax was basically shut down.


    And yes, we actually ventured out…

    My brother had graduated from the Military Policy Academy earlier this month and came home to move his family to CFB Suffield.
    They were in a hotel not far from us.
    We had ventured down later in the evening (to say our goodbyes) on roads that used to be two lanes, but were cut down to one.
    You could not really get down my street, although cabin fever got to some folks and they braved the elements.

    The bite-y snow
    It was not easy getting around and the snow seemed to be coming from every direction.
    I ventured out once earlier in the day to see what was going on.  I made it to the end of my road and turned around.
    It was very bite-y.
      
    To get to my brother and his family, my daughter and I had to get to the main road to be picked up by my parents.

    We encountered a dad with his two littles who were out (mostly for dad’s sanity I am sure…).  And then a truck came up the main road and stopped.  Not sure if he was just stuck, tired or maybe waiting to turn around in disgust.


    The Main Road – inbetween wind gusts.
    As we said our goodbyes, the storm raged on.
    We left the hotel just before it got too dark.  And the travelling was just as crappy.
    People were driving like jerks and the weather was getting to everyone.  We hunkered down for the rest of the evening and waited for an announcement on Halifax Transit for Thursday (they cancelled all services on Wednesday).

    My Street Wednesday Evening…
    My office was closed again Thursday.  Halifax Transit delayed service as the main garage was unstable (the snow on the roof causing some issues) and only provided the basic service from 3pm on.
    Luckily, my physiotherapy office is just down the road from my place.  My Wednesday appointment had been cancelled, so I went in on Thursday morning.
    Those drifts on Thursday morning – twice my height. 

     

    And then, another yucky mess

    We had another gross “weather event” last night.  This did bring some rain, but then it snowed.

    This morning…with the mocking sun behind the clouds…sigh.
    Not like our last two storms, but still, I think we are all tired now.
    Some folks here have shovelled out their own streets, sidewalks and roofs.  There are still sidewalks by my place that we may not see until June (yes, that is sarcasm, lol).
    Some building roofs collapsing under the heavy snow.  Some retailers have been closed for the past couple of days because of the structural concern.

    The wind howls outside today.
    And March Break is over.
    I am wondering what tomorrow will bring, as Friday was not an ideal commute to OR from the office.  A lot of kids will be walking on the street (as us adults were last week).  Being a pedestrian is a little dangerous right now.
    So, if anyone is hiring legal staff in Belize, let me know.  I’d be willing to seriously consider it 😉

    #crazymamaruns

     

     

  • Back at Work and Weaning Off My Meds

    I am not talking post surgery meds.

    I am talking about my anti-depressants.

    With the advice of my physician, we did the Step Down Plan during my last visit.  We are both confident that I now have the ability to do so.  I know my triggers and have better coping skills than before and I am in a much better place in my life.

    I’ve been on Step Down #1 for about a week now.  We have moved onto Step Down #2 until my current box of meds are empty.

    Scared?  Apprehensive?

    Not really.  Now that I am on the road to recovery with my knee, I can get outside and move.  Kind of, if I walk on the street and not the killer icewalks we have here in Halifax right now.

    Killer Icewalk – on just about every street.  This is INCHES of ice.



    What About Your Physical Activity?

    I WILL be getting back to running and yoga with the help of my physiotherapist!  I just need to be patient and take it day by day.  I hope to be running once the weather is much nicer and I can SEE the actual sidewalks.

    How Will You Continue to Cope Off the Meds? 

    I am continuing my meditation, which really works wonders for me.  The same thing with Yoga.  The movement and self focus is really great.  Self care is important.

    First Day of Work?  How did THAT go?

    Really well!  Some time was spent catching up this morning.  I also sat on the phone in the queue for some software that I needed product activation for.  Chair danced to some jazz tunes.  Not a bad day all in all.

    I have a little bit of back pain, lingering from a herniated nucleus pulposis – FUN!  I really have to watch that I don’t slump and retain the natural curve in my back.

    All in all though,  I did really well today.  The knee is a little sore and stiff, but with time and physio, all good 🙂  The main point is keep moving, listen to my body, and believe in the process.  

    Also – WINNING THE MANCOLD BATTLE!

    Where From Here?

    UP!

    I am super positive about my recovery and look forward to continuing on my journey.

    To get back to my fitness regime – pumped.  To do more with my TeenThing – pumped.  To be able to work out and run with my Greg – pumped.  To run with my BRB – PUMPED!

    Also, keeping it positive and in check with my mental health.  There is always a chance that I may have to go back on my meds.  If I do, it’s not a setback.  It’s a pit stop on my journey where I need to reset and move forward.

    And now – I leave you with an earworm.  Because I can’t get this song out of my head!!!!!!


    #crazymamaruns




  • The Home Stretch for #ProjectAmy

    Wow….the time has flown by!!

    I can’t believe I am 10 sleeps away from my knee surgery.

    10.

    Nervous?  HELL YES!  Even with all the activity of the past little while, it seeps into my brain late at night.

    Nervous Girl by themedusa on DeviantArt

    How has #ProjectAmy been doing?

    Well, I must say, it has kept me moving.  Being a 9-5er has it’s moments, but I have been able to get physical activity into each day.  Well, except yesterday…I took that as a rest day.

    Today my activity will happen later this evening.  I kind of slept in this morning and chaos ruled my morning.  My gym bag is sitting in my bedroom at home.  But no worries, I’ll be on it like white on rice!

     

    All my Tweeples and friends have been keeping me on point, which I am very thankful for!

    After my surgery, #ProjectAmy will be taking on a whole different path as I will be focusing on recovery….and not losing my marbles (this is where #FightForHappy will be in FULL EFFECT).  



     

     

     This also means I won’t have to eat cat fur for while doing my pushups.

    I’ll miss the pushups, not the cat fur!

    Cat fur will probably be more prominent as they will hover over me the first little while, lol.

     

     

     

    Are you ready for surgery CrazyMama?

    Well, I rearranged my bedroom on the weekend.  Sleeping was weird.  I was deeper in my bedroom than I am now.  And being closer to the door is just a little freaky.

    I started other cleaning/purging projects on the weekend as well.  Then got completely overwhelmed and had to stop.  So this week will be about tackling one thing at a time.  I also took the day off before surgery next week (and Monday is Heritage Day here in Nova Scotia), so Friday is my last full day of work.

    There will be lots of cooking going on this weekend and meal prep for sure.  Clothing prep and post-op station will also be done this weekend.

    Okay…enough before I get overwhelmed again, lol.

    So, yes, for the most part I think I am.  Just need to keep myself on the steady until the 18th.

    Next post will be bringing ya’ll up to speed on the final week on this installment of #ProjectAmy, and sharing my extreme nervous energy days before surgery.  

    So if you thought THIS post was scattered, lol.

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • Being a Mom with Mental Illness – The Short Story

    I know I’ve written about my mental llness before….

    But I haven’t really written how it’s changed me as a Mom.

    That’s important, because I am raising a teenage human.

    Here we are – you can barely see us, lol

    Since it is just V and I, she is on the front lines with me.  She endures my good days and my bad.  She is there when I break down and can’t stop crying.

    I hate that she has to see me that way.

    I hate that she feels that she has to take care of me when I do melt down.

    I hate that she sometimes doesn’t know what to do.

    Mini Background Moment:

    When I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, I was put off of work.  I told V at the time that Mommy was very very tired and that her doctor told her she needed lots of rest (which was partially true, depression sucks everything out of you).

    Once the summer was over and I was able to function on a daily basis, I told her about my mental illness while at my parents for supper.

    She had a lot of questions.  But I must have done something right in the years before, because she took it like a champ.  She still comes to me with questions, and we talk about things openly.

    How does this work now???

    Well, I think that having Clinical Depression and anxiety has made me more aware.

    I look after myself a little better than I did before (besides my klutzy accidents!).

    But on the same hand, there are times I feel like I have a parenting defect.  

    One of the symptoms of depression is being tired.  Not just regular tired, but tired to the point of even moving is a herculean task.

    There are nights that I shut down, when I should be talking with her, being more engaged, but I just can’t.  And I feel awful for it.

    There are also feeling of extreme irritation.  Angry outbursts.  I’m like a landmine some days.

    With surgery looming before me, my depression and anxiety seem to be ramping up.

    I catch myself getting snappy.  Being short.  Going back on some of my decisions.  Just not wanting to move (hence #ProjectAmy and #FightForHappy – blog update on Sunday!)

    It’s a daily struggle lately.

    My to do list most days will look like this:

    Even though I look like this:

    Because depression doesn’t look sad.

    We hide it very well.

    But I do my best.  

    Because as a parent, that’s all we can do.  

    I use my support system when I can.

    And some days, V is my support system.

    We are a team.

    The more team members you have, the better your days get.

    So go…..gather up your team.

    You’re worth it.

    #crazymamaruns

     

     

     

  • #ProjectAmy/#FightForHappy Update and Plans for the Upcoming Week!

    #ProjectAmy Got Off To a Great Start!

    I logged 17kms walking – woop!  This included taking the stairs as often as I could when I was at work.  I also got outside as much as humanly possible.  The Vitamin D was good for me!

    I was also able to get in some yoga at home and at a class 🙂  I was able to get some Yin Yoga in at home as well.  I really am seeing the benefit of a regular practice!

    Started my upper body training…which is being kicked into high gear!  

    WHY?

    In 17 days I am going to need that upper body strength to haul myself from my “pod of no weight on the leg” to the bathroom and kitchen area (or just move my coffee makers to the living room, and yes, I said makerS).  I know I won’t see MEGA changes, but I need that strength, for now and later!
    I may need this Tshirt for my recovery…lol

    February…

    I started off my February with a meditation this morning.  It is also the beginning of the Meditation Challenge with DoYouYoga.com!  I will be saving that one for later this evening.
    Meditation = Happy 🙂

    What’s on for this week?

    Well, more walking for sure.  
    Packing my bag tonight for yoga class tomorrow at the gym (going to try and make the three classes this week – two being my goal).
    Working on the upper body and core.
    As before, keep on me people!  If you don’t see a #ProjectAmy on Twitter (@crazymamaruns) or my Facebook Page (Crazy Mama Runs)….send me a “Hey, did you get out to walk, to the gym, or meditate today?” message.  I need it!  
    (Props to Peady for sending me one of these this week!!  And to my Greg for making sure I stick to my guns!)

    And I just want to say…

    Thank you.
    Thank you to my “Greg” for the #ProjectAmy inspiration and being my biggest source of encouragement.  I love ya!
    Thank you to my Ginger Friend for making sure I get out with the girls!
    Thank you to all my Twitter peeps who keep me looking forward, and reminding me of how much closer I am to lacing up my sneakers 🙂
    Thank you to all my FitBit peeps who keep me moving.  Even if I don’t reach my daily goal, you keep the challenges coming 😉
    And thank you to my family for being there, as always.
    #crazymamaruns