The daily struggle of getting out of bed was hard, and my life mojo was low.
Having a moment in each and every day to sit and be present with myself caused me to face some of my demons head on. Taking time to stop and breathe made me extremely aware.
I am thankful I am making time for me on and off my yoga mat. (Not running hasn’t been easy, but I am making headway and my calves don’t hate me.)
These moments of self reflection made me aware of how well I can convince myself that I am not mentally ill.
Now, just hang on there: I said convince myself . This is not a good thing. This is where I shove everything down into the core of my being where it sits to fester.
The big ball of festering feels starts to manifest outward: I chew the skin around my fingers. I don’t care if my house isn’t clean. I get snippy. Hearing people speak makes me rage-y. Being in a large area with lots of people really makes me want to curl into a ball. I can go on and on. The list is frigging LARGE.
Facing my demons is not always easy. It can be goddamn scary. Not knowing what the outcome will be can be very overwhelming. But I need to do it. This is how I know if I need to ask for help.
For now, I’m good. Things are okay. I’m still hanging out in my cocoon a bit, because it’s cozy in here, but I am slowly coming around.
Another rough patch done.
I know there will be another.
For now, I am embracing this moment, looking out from the in.
Commercials on TV are trying to sell you a new life: weight loss, gym memberships, etc.
This does start well before the holiday season, and can be overwhelming as shit.
I’ve done the resolution thing, and I’ve also done the intentions thing. This year I am just continuing on with my journey. A year of finding myself, reminding my body that it can do amazing things, and not crapping on myself every day, lol.
It’s been weird not going into the start of year not training for a half marathon. I’m full of restless energy, but yet super tired at the same time.
With everyone around me on social media ploughing into the new year with training plans and mega runs, it is a struggle to not beat myself up if I don’t get in a run, or the gym, or a walk. I’ve decided I am going to try and NOT make myself feel bad for not going out of the gate with any type of training plan (run or gym) as it is not in my best interest mentally. I have just gotten back to WANTING to lace up, and my calves are still a tad cranky. Working on my glutes has made quite a difference, but there is still some work to do.
I know, a lot of folks think that daily physical fitness is the best solution for mental illness. Yes, it helps, but it isn’t the only solution. Mental illness is complicated.
Besides, this time of year is hard enough for me. I honestly just want to curl up and hibernate. Trying to embrace the winter is a challenge, but I am working on it.
One way to embrace the colder weather: I can skate outside. There is a marsh up the road from me, so I went for a little spin the other day. I had the spot to myself and had a great time. [MEGA BONUS: Today my calves are very happy, so this is something I am planning to enjoy more of this year.]
Belchers Marsh. Skating with chairs and a tire, lol
I am also trying to remind myself to breathe each day. To take even one minute to just sit and pause (well, my watch reminds to do this, lol).
So if you didn’t hop on the resolution train like me, don’t be concerned. Continuing on your journey, your way, is what is important.
Realistically, my moment in the journey is here: I am just trying to survive right now, and that’s okay.
We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.
I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.
A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week. One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.
Let’s be clear:
She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now. When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there. FOR MONTHS.
If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.
Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER. Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone. There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it. It really is about time people start thinking this way. I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.
I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It’s sad that I am used to it.
BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:
On the way home tonight I made a decision.
Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.
No judgement.
Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.
A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.
A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.
I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.
I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while. But I didn’t. All good on the Mama front for now.
My last “official” race of 2017 was the Valley Harvest 5k.
It was a warm day. I had a head cold. I managed 30 minutes and I was happy 😃
I chose Valley Harvest because of the beautiful scenery in Wolfville…..and the blanket.
Taking all expectation off of myself has given me back some of the joy I was missing when I ran. The shorter distances have been a blessing as well. My body was hungry for a break.
Last weekend was a fun run to support Feed Nova Scotia at the Canada Games Centre. It was a beautiful day, and a great turnout.
I ran with a couple of my running peeps from the neighbourhood and we had a great run! Plus, there was pie, Starbucks, and Booster Juice at the end 🙂
I’ve run a couple of days this week during my lunch hour, and I felt great. It’s bringing me back to the start. My lunch runs are 3k and it’s the perfect distance. I can get away from my desk, get the rush, and burn off some steam.
This meant some shuffling around of activities, but we had a complete blast the last few days out and about in Edinburgh.
We took one beautiful day and did some walking tours.
Our first tour was through a part of the Underground South Bridge Vaults in Edinburgh with Auld Reekie Tours. These vaults date back to 1700. They were used as living quarters, brothels and bars over the years. They were also used for “black magic” and a local coven set up a temple in one of the vaults to banish the negative energy.
These vaults are creepy, that’s for sure.
The Wiccan TempleOutside the vault entrance of the Wiccan TempleThe cursed stone circleLooking out of the vault
After being creeped out by the most excellent tour guide, we bummed around town a bit before our evening walking tour.
We checked out Holyrood, Arthur’s Seat, Scottish Parliament and of course we had burgers, lol.
Loved all the little “secret streets” off the Royal MileOne of the quotes on the wall down to the Scottish ParliamentArthur’s Seat
Side Gate at HolyroodScottish ParliamentEntrance to HolyroodTea with the Queen anyone?You can see the Abbey in the back
Back up the Royal MileThe Heart of Lothian (you spit on this…for real)St. Giles Cathedral
Our evening tour was one of the free walking tours held by SANDEMANs. We chose this Dark Side tour to hear more about Edinburgh’s creepy history. Our guide was awesome. He was really funny and gave us multiple opportunities to stop and take pics along the way. The most amazing views were from Calton Hill. Calton Hill is the home of the National Monument and Nelson’s Monument.
Nelson’s Monument
The National Monument (also known as the National Shame)
Going down Jacob’s Ladder (they moved coffins up and down these stairs)
Walking Tours are a great way to learn about the city and the guides are great for giving you tips and tricks for food and attractions.
We were lucky enough to be staying close to the Edinburgh Zoo, so our next day was spent with the animals, after some food at the Cocobean Cafe. We were lucky enough to see one of the pandas 🙂
YUM
MeerkatsRed Panda
Sleepy TigerKangarooooooooosRhino
Heeeeeeeeeey
Hi Panda!Bye Panda!
Our last day of running around Edinburgh was spent in town gathering goodies to take home and making sure TeenThing had motion sickness meds, as the plane ride over was not fun for her.
So, before we packed it in, we had to go to The Scotch Whisky Experience! We did the Silver Tour and had a great time. I wish I had gotten a video of TeenThing’s face when she tasted her whisky, lol. The tour ended in the largest whisky collection (3,384 unopened bottles of whisky). It was amazing.
Off in a barrel we go!
I am so sick in this picture, lol.
We both chose to taste whiskey from the Speyside regionThe walls were alllllll bottles
The oldest whiskey in the collectionThe man who donated the 3,000+ bottles
Our Sunday was spent resting and getting ready to head home to Nova Scotia. We had to be in bed early to get up at 4:00 so we could grab the bus into the Glasgow Airport.
On our way, we talked about “the next time we visit”, and I sure hope we do get over again. I am in love with Scotland!
Thanks for coming along with me on our little adventure.
Usually it’s me. I either get the head cold at the end of a trip, or right when I get back (Spoiler: I got sick too, lol).
It was TeenThing’s turn this time. The first day she really started feeling it was a gorgeous sunny day. I really didn’t want to stay inside all day, so after popping down to the pharmacy and gathering an arsenal of cold meds, I hoofed it back to the house and suggested a walk along the Water of Leith Walkway.
Once she was sufficiently medicated and fed, we began our journey. It was a 10 minute walk to the spot where we could hop on, so enough time for us to see if TeenThing was really up for the trek.
She was 🙂
What a hidden gem! This is a definite must do if you ever get to Edinburgh. We walked to Dean Village and back, took us about 2 hours.
Murrayfield Stadium. No games while we were there, booo.
Here we go!“Mom, take a picture of me!”
Dean Village
There she goes.Another serious “trip selfie”.
So pretty
Could have walked for hours. So beautiful.
We could have walked further, but we didn’t pack snacks (oooops).
The next day was cloudy and cool. TeenThing was feeling a little rough, but she agreed to a trip into town to check out the National Gallery.
Rooms and rooms of art. So many serious people in there sitting and staring at all of the paintings and sculptures.
We wandered and took in all of the art. Some of the paintings were HUGE. It was difficult getting photos.
The Campbell Sisters
So serious in here….Man with Jawbone (this is the title, seriously)Cain and Abel
I was glad I didn’t have our time in Scotland fully planned, as it was good to have some downtime for TeenThing to get better. It was nice to have a couple of low key days.
After we had spent our time exploring the Gallery, we took the tram back to the house where we chilled for the rest of the day.
By the time our next adventure rolled around, TeenThing was feeling better 🙂
Never thought I would hear that as a result from my blood work.
Google Search Image
I didn’t have the insomnia issue, quite the opposite in fact. I have been experiencing hair loss, but I have psoriasis on my scalp (and more recently in my ears), so I am used to some hair loss. I have depression, but I didn’t feel hopeless or feel like I WANTED to stay in bed all day. I was just SO TIRED. Sleeping for 10 hours was doing nothing. I still wanted to sleep. *Sigh*
I am so very thankful for my BRF Kara. She got me through my 18km run last weekend. We are a kickass team when we run together 🙂
My BRF and I after that super tired 18kms.
When I was at the doctor’s office I was shocked that this was my result. I asked him if this could cause the extreme fatigue and excessive sleeping. He said yes.
He advised me to start Vitamin D3 supplements, 2000IU per day. I should start feeling an improvement in a couple of weeks, and hopefully feel completely better in a month.
I was relieved to be sure. I had myself thinking it was something awful. Overthinking is my specialty 😉
Pretty sure I’ve been a hot mess all week. I have been so tired I’ve wanted to cry, and I almost have on quite a few occasions.
Now, to reset and be thankful. I’ll be fine to complete training and run my half in May!!
I can probably get a shirt that says “Permanent Mom Brain”.
Working, raising a child, avoiding the rabbit hole of depression, and trying to fit in my running/fitness takes up most of my time. The blog has suffered a little bit lately because of this juggling act.
I have had many ideas for posts. I have sat down to write a draft so I could have it saved and get back to it. DISTRACTION. No writing.
Let’s be real, this applies to my life in general. I have, over the years, gone from one room to the other with full intention of “doing the thing”. Insert phone call, child, other random thought, on my way to the other room. I’ve lost the whole “doing the thing”.
Why was I walking into this room?
What was so important that I had to come here?
What’s my name?
WHO AM I ANYWAY?
You’d think keeping physically active would magically sort everything out.
NO.
I can think I have my shit sorted out on a run. All of life’s problems are solved (hahahaha) during this time by myself.
I’ll get home and forget about 80% of my solutions.
(This is so much worse on my “bad days”. On those days, I am just happy I remember to put on pants.)
Then people say “put it in your phone”.
I’ve tried, but the red circles distract me and I automatically check out my notifications.
GOLDFISH.
I’m pretty sure it has gotten worse over the past few years (thank you hormones).
I even went and bought paper agendas. I have an agenda for regular life, and one for my running life.
I was like: “Hell Yeah! Look out world I am coming for you!! Take that Mom Brain!”
But let’s be honest, I still can’t remember to write half of my shit down.
So, I’ll just continue to wander through my life, content in knowing that at some point, I’ll know why I went into the other room AND what I am going to do there.
Began 2017 on the right foot. Let’s hope I don’t injure anything, lol.
Okay,
So over the holidays I decided that I seriously needed to keep moving this year. Not just for my physical health, but for my mental health. I sat and muddled about a fall half marathon. I wanted something close to home (because I am without my own vehicle, and would need to acquire one for long distance travel) and fun.
I did the Tartan Twosome there last year (5ks) and really enjoyed the atmosphere and all the goodies offered post race. Also, the views in Eastern Passage are amazing!
Also, I purchased a Believe Journal over the holidays. SUPER EXCITED.
Plan Amy, plan.
I am ramping up to start training for the BlueNose Half Marathon shortly and have been writing in my journal daily. I should be receiving my plan soon and am looking forward to getting back on the training train 😉
You said Brain Melts?
Oh yes, brain melts.
Once I had registered and started to plan out my races, I had a brain melt.
Then panic.
What had I done?!?!?
I am usually a one big race and then all the smaller distances to keep me moving.
I did not get the kms in that I wanted my first week and by the weekend, it caught up with me: work, life, running, KERSMASH.
I had an anxiety moment. A brain melting, bugs crawling on my skin, flight (not fight), moment.
I’m good now, but it was yuck.
And now, let’s talk about the FitBit.
I Thought You Divorced Your FitBit?
I did.
We recently made up, for now. I put my step goal down to 8,000 and joined a challenge.
Results from first full week: I can’t do challenges. It still ramps up my brain and makes me super anxious.
But I decided to still wear it. If anything I can see my sleep patterns and make sure I do get up and move around (she says as she sits and types, lol).
It gives me some motivation to be active, and see lovely sights such as this on my lunch hour:
Halifax Waterfront
That is what’s been happening here in the land of Amy so far in 2017. Come back around soon, as we get ready to document the Odyssey that is my life and how I am going to manage 2 Half Marathons and my brain!
The Midlife Reframe 