How Did I Get Here?

I ask myself this often. Sometimes because I doubt my abilities. Other times because I’m frustrated.

Imposter Syndrome is a beast.

Everyone has experienced it.

I do wonder sometimes – does my depression and anxiety amplify it? I ask that because it is all consuming when it does ramp up.

The times I do not doubt myself, the times I do forge ahead with a decision, I feel great…for a while.

Then it starts: do I really know what I am talking about? Who do I think I am?

Well….

I’m educated and experienced in both of my fields: Paralegal and Information Technology.

Why does my brain attempt to tell me otherwise?

Here’s what I know from experience, and why it matters.

I know that the majority of the time (for me) it is fear that is showing up. My inner saboteur (what’s up Carl..yes, I named that voice) is trying to protect me from something.

It could be something as “small” as embarrassment, or something as “big” as failure.

And if I do fail? I learn something.

In that moment of failure there is anger, frustration, you may get yelled at, and if it’s extreme enough you may get fired.

I think it is in the aftermath that we should take time to try and breathe. Ask yourself the question: what have I learned?

I own my mistakes. That’s important AND step one to moving forward.

Another big thing: if you do not know the answer or solution in that moment, say so and commit to finding out.

We all know that not everything goes the way it should.

Sometimes I go down the rabbit hole of “what is the worse case scenario?”

Then I live there. Not ideal, because you miss out on the “what if everything goes well?”.

I have been very lucky to work with some great people, both colleagues and leaders, who have given me their insights, allowed me to lead them, learn, and who have also told me to stop underestimating myself (you know who you are).

These folks are aware of all of it. They have also experienced the same self doubt, and the overthinking.

In recent conversations, while mulling ideas over, I was reminded by a few friends that I DO have the knowledge and experience.

Sometimes, it’s the simplest phrase in a conversation that confirms that you know what you’re doing, you’ve been doing it for years.

I know how I got here.

I have worked hard over the 20 plus (you’re not getting the actual time, that would date me, lol) years in these fields, and I do deserve to take up this space.

You have worked hard.

You have earned a spot at the table.

Remember that, even when your brain tells you otherwise.