The Midlife Reframe

Sad Days

Written by

Amy Leon

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As I sit and type this, I worry.

My daughter is not doing well.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since she has started to have suicidal thoughts.

She left her job because of it, before she saw a physician, because it was unbearable. We were not able to get her an appointment right away, and she was not going to continue to suffer at work.

She’s under the care of our family physician and her medication has been adjusted significantly.

I am very lucky. She came to me. She talked to me, and we are navigating this as a family.

As a Mom, it’s devastating. I am now in a constant state of worry. Trying to take care of myself is hard. The first instinct is to tend to her and push myself to the side. My family reminds me to take care of myself, and I am thankful for that.

The state of mental heath care is scary. Hearing the stories of people being turned away, people not being given the access to the care they so desperately need, made me forego taking her to Emerg when she first came to me.

We are managing this with our family physician, and for now, it is working.

My hope is that we can get a psychologist, but paying outright for one is hard (my daughter is not under a plan), and getting one through the mental health system? Well, it’s going to take forever.

I am trying to gather up any free resources I can find, and have the telephone numbers of crisis lines if needed.

We are taking things day by day. That’s the way of it for now.

Thankful for my support system, and thankful she is still here with me.

We’ll keep fighting this together.

Comments

One response to “Sad Days”

  1. Theresa Avatar
    Theresa

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. As a mom you must be beside yourself. I dealt with this with one of my boys a few years ago and it was just so hard. On top of it all he was unwilling to get help so we basically white knuckled it for a couple of years with family members stepping in to keep an eye on him.

    I’ve now been suicidal for a year. I’m in a better place than last August. Then I woke every morning to the panic and anxiety and the thought of transitioning to the next world gave me great solace. I knew I could leave if it got too bad. I kept that to myself for a long time, just enduring the hunted feeling and doing the research to find the right tea for the big sleep.

    But I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to my boys so I scooted out west. By that time I began to talk about my leaving. I wanted people to first off not have it as a shock when I did it. I needed people to know how bad it was and I was doing the best I could. And second, I didn’t ever want anyone to think there was something they did to cause it or that they could have done to stop it. Many smart people told me to get therapy. And I have no money. But to make them feel better I found a way.

    This website offers low cost therapy in Canada. I found a therapist who I’ve talked to a couple of times. Basically interns who need hours. So that might be helpful.
    https://affordabletherapynetwork.com/

    I decided to stay out west. I feel safer so the desire to leave the earth only happens a couple of times a week. I try my best to stay in the moment and to see the good things I have and I find that helps. Sometimes it is just the cat curled up on the bed. Or the flowers in the yard. But I try. I’m now stuck, because I can’t leave until I get back to NS. I need to say goodbye to everyone out there now that I’ve been here. And I really just want to fall asleep in my own bed.

    This is situational. I’ve dealt with situational before. Enduring emotional abuse daily and then I left and things got better. An ugly break up, and time went on and I discovered I could actually be ok again. But the situation now is an ugly polarized world. And I don’t see an end in sight for that one. Most days I don’t feel I belong in this world anymore. But I’m hanging on, for a lot of reasons. Your daughter isn’t alone. She’s got you. And you are amazing.

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