The Midlife Reframe

Tag: mental-health

  • Week 5: Adjustment

    I’ve been going through some tough times.

    When will they end? Not sure.

    I can say this, between my Pristiq and the Estalis, it’s kept me kind of stable. But it’s not a solution to the situation.

    Did I have a meltdown this week? 100% I did.

    Here’s the thing though: being medicated does NOT mean I can tolerate more. It keeps me at a baseline.

    The fact that I have gotten to the point where I have been broken, means it’s time to readjust my priorities.

    The clarity I have been given by the Estalis is helping. I’m not getting bogged down with brain fog, so talking things out has been helpful.

    Being brutally honest about things is my new avenue. No longer hiding when things are 1) not right, and 2) when I am not doing well.

    Hiding is no longer an option.

    (On a totally hormonal note: I had a 24 day cycle. I’m not thrilled, especially after my last two longer ones. Not sure if it is just peri or my body adjusting. Time will tell I guess… and the doc said it could take 3 months to fully adjust.)

    What will the week ahead bring?? Who knows.

    But I know this: I won’t be hiding.

  • WEEK 3 & 4: I HAVE ENERGY

    And it’s amazing.

    Getting more mental clarity. Remembering more things.

    Although when I started to write this post, I started to get a head cold. Then work went sideways.

    This past week felt like 3 months.

    When I got home Friday, I was spent.

    BUT dealing with all the things coming at me was more manageable. I screwed up a couple of things, but things still went forward.

    I didn’t break down, my anxiety was pretty tame, and the stress didn’t consume my every moment.

    Certain sounds no longer move me to want to stab my eyes out.

    My ears are no longer super itchy.

    I did have a period, and still tracking those. My last one was 66 days from my last one.

    I am still on my Antidepressant, and it is working well.

    I’ve been trimming my social media. I am looking to keep connections with those I want. With the world in the state it’s in, I know who I want to keep close.

    This curb the skin chewing around my nails, I have been getting gel nails. I found a great spot and I am no longer ingesting skin (ewww) at an alarming rate.

    Sleep is getting better, with only the odd night where I am awake off and on…night sweats ate minimal.

    Hot flashes…not many.

    Things seem to be going well, and I am looking forward to the months ahead into Spring and Summer.

    See you next week!!

  • This Phase of Life is Stupid

    See that smile?

    I’m not smiling now. I’m awake and it’s 1:55 am.

    I went to sleep at 10:00 pm.

    Been awake for an hour. I am so tired, but I can’t sleep.

    Even as I am typing this, I am yawning.

    I remember being told 8 gazillion things about the upcoming changes in my life when I was in health class in elementary school.

    No one prepares you for the changes that come later in life.

    And your options are limited.

    I am starting to read The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter, because I need some answers/guidance/relief.

    I’ve been reading Menopause/Perimenopause posts on Reddit.

    I’m commiserating with other women, and you know what?

    We’re all tired.

    This phase of life IS stupid.

    There needs to be more research…more doctors who do not say “Oh well, that’s the stage of life you’re in”.

    Because if men had to go through this, you bet the uproar would produce results.

    But instead, us “hormonal” women will continue to suffer…out loud…

    Screaming into the void.

  • What To Do

    It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.

    So many changes.

    Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.

    I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.

    I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.

    I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.

    Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.

    One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.

    I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.

    I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.

    Navigating all this is challenging.

    Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.

    What does the road ahead look like?

    Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.

    As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.

    Stay tuned as I move forward on this new path!

  • Check In: First Week on Lower Antipsychotic Dose

    It’s been a full week.

    Things I have noticed:

    – a little fatigued

    – sometimes a little irritable

    – still leg bouncing

    – working through an anxiety spike is challenging

    I can say that’s been all so far. It’s really not that bad all things considered. I think the leg bouncing is more of a comfort mechanism more than anything, so that’s not such a big deal.

    Had a little moment yesterday where I worked my way through an anxiety spike. I did it without chewing the skin around my fingernails, so that was a win for sure.

    I’m letting myself feel the feelings, and talking my way through them, instead of trying to suppress everything like I used to do. Thankful for the tips therapy has provided in that regard.

    This will be my last week on the lower dose, then I will be completely off Abilify. I will be on vacation for the end of the med, which is good, in case things go a little wonky.

    Will keep you all in the loop once I totally come off and let you know how I am doing.

    Fingers crossed the symptoms stay as they have been!

    Until next time.

  • Bye Bye AntiPsychotic

    It’s been almost a week of me weaning off my antipsychotic.

    This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. There were various discussions with my team.

    Having therapy every two weeks has made a big difference in my anxiety levels, and I am chewing the skin around my fingernails less.

    Being fortunate enough to have therapy as often as I do was one of the biggest factors in this decision.

    Learning new coping skills has been a great help.

    I’m still bouncing my leg, but I think that may also be a habit now more than anything. My leg bouncers will get it. It’s almost comforting at times.

    I have one more week of weaning and then I am off completely.

    Am I worried?

    A little.

    But I know I have the supports in place, and if necessary I can go back on the lower dose.

    So, let’s hope I make out okay on this little journey.

    Stay tuned for an update after I am fully done!

  • Newfoundland Adventures

    It has been a week since my visit to Newfoundland.

    It is a beautiful province, and if you’ve never been I highly recommend.

    I spent my time on the Avalon Peninsula and did some hiking.

    In St. John’s, there is Pippy Park, which I would compare to Victoria Park in Truro, Nova Scotia (no big waterfalls though). Lots of hills and stairs to work muscles you totally forgot you had, lol.

    It was a beautiful day for hiking!

    The second hiking adventure was a portion of the East Coast Trail, and included the LaManche Suspension Bridge. Hiked until we got to a spot where I was nervous (trail width was questionable and the drop to the ocean was a little too steep) so a turn around to head back was necessary, haha. Might chance it the next time!

    Quite an appetite was worked up, so a stop at Keith’s Diner on the way back to town was required for some refuelling.

    Chicken Wings and Fries with Dressing and Gravy

    The last nice day was a hike around a lake in Torbay. Got a little muddy on that one, lol.

    All in all it was a fantastic trip, and I am looking forward to another visit!

  • Growth

    I’ve been on a journey.

    Through therapy I have found that I am growing and learning.

    With my new relationship I am in a safe space, and it has allowed me to open up and not be afraid of expressing myself.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, because I still have them.

    I’m getting better at explaining how I feel on those days, and I am coping better.

    I’ve started reading again, and I am opening up myself to learning new things, both at work and home.

    Am I scared? Yep.

    Scared of feeling okay, scared of things going south, and scared of getting hurt. But that’s okay. It’s normal to be feeling these things.

    I’m no longer shoving those feelings down to “deal with later”. I’m learning to be uncomfortable to get to being comfortable.

    It’s a day by day thing, and it’s not going to be easy.

    But I’m ready.

  • I’m Hanging Up My Racing Shoes

    This has been a decision I’ve been struggling with for some time now.

    I’ve had some amazing experiences racing (hello Team Myles!!) and have accumulated some hardware that hangs in my front hall.

    I’m not stopping running, just the racing.

    I started out running for the pure fun in 2011, and as it sits right now, the whole racing aspect has turned into a chore. I want to run for the fun of it again.

    I’ve been struggling with perimenopause and my runs have sometimes been a ride on the struggle bus. Trying to adapt to this new experience has been rough.

    My brain has also been struggling with the whole race idea and the pressure I put in myself can be tremendous. I have even deleted my Strava account so I don’t stress out about where and when I run.

    It’s time to give myself a break and run for the fun of it again. To find the joy in movement.

    I’ll probably volunteer at races, just to see the joy of others finishing their races will be enough to fill my bucket.

    So if you see me out and about, say hey!

    I’ll be cruising the trails around my area and out at the BLT.

  • Goodbye Foundation

    And eyeliner.

    And mascara.

    And bronzer.

    I have been slowly transitioning to a tinted moisturizer.

    I have gotten to the point where I am just not into foundation anymore. It doesn’t feel good on my face and it has ruined the collars on my coats.

    Also, good foundation is expensive, and I’m done shelling out money that could be put towards things I really need.

    My priorities are shifting. I no longer need to look a certain way, or to hide behind foundation (which I was doing, it was a mask for me).

    Today was day one (outside of weekends) of my journey with just tinted moisturizer.

    I found this brand via social media, and get it through Amazon.

    It’s light and has an SPF. My face feels great.

    I will admit, I was very self conscious. My daughter and her friend were my hype women when I got home today and announced I had done my first work day without makeup (get yourself some hype women, it’s worth it).

    I don’t even think anyone really noticed to be honest.

    It felt freeing, AND it gave me back precious time in the morning when getting ready for work.

    I’m also curious to see if my skin does its weird little breakouts now that I’ve moved on. Also, how will my brain try to sabotage me? That’s the big question.

    Stay tuned. I’ll be sharing more of this journey in the coming weeks!