The Midlife Reframe

Tag: mental-health

  • Been a While

    I realized today that it has been a while since I’ve posted.

    Things are moving along. I am still in therapy. Learning a lot about myself.

    My daughter is doing better. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, so we are navigating this together. She is struggling with what she wants to do with her life now that she’s aware of her diagnosis and what that means.

    One step forward, two steps back. it’s a learning process for us both.

    I think we are finally heading into Spring here on the East Coast of Canada. Hoping to see some double digit temperatures soon.

    We signed up for a 5km race for the Bluenose Marathon next month, and we’ll see how that race goes. The struggle with our mental illnesses and getting moving has been real.

    The winter months were hard this year. Usually I can power through them. This year however, all I wanted to do was hibernate. Glad they are over!

    Our newest addition Eggs Benedict is still as feisty as he was the day we brought him home last summer. We think there may be some Siamese in him, but hard to confirm since he came from a hoarding situation. He is super loveable and adds much joy to our home.

    For now, we keep soaking up the sunny days and give ourselves some grace when it’s needed.

    Come back soon. I am full of words that are waiting to come out when I’m ready…..which will be in the next week.

  • I Love Sleep

    I really love sleep.

    As a matter of fact, I am in bed right now as I type this.

    It is 8:15 on a rainy Monday night.

    As much as I love my sleep, it can become a problem.

    It can be a problem because I have depression. Depression also loves sleep. Depression would like me to sleep the day away.

    Depression sleep is different from a good nights sleep. Depression sleep whispers how I am not good enough to enter the day and be with people. It whispers how easy it would be to just stay put, and keep my worthless ass where it is.

    This differs from Anxiety sleep. Anxiety sleep is broken. It is tossing and turning. It is worry and rumination. It is weird dreams that wake me up. It tires me out and makes me lethargic.

    I know what you’re thinking…..how can I love sleep?? Because there are nights that I close my eyes and drift off. I may still have weird dreams, but they’re not scary. They’re just your garden variety weird dreams.

    I also love Vacation sleep. That is when I do some of my best sleeping. It’s knowing I have nowhere to go and nothing to get up for. I can sleep as late as I want.

    Weekend sleep is good, but short lived. I can get some good sleeping in, but I feel guilty if I sleep in too long, and miss out on weekend stuff.

    So, I still love sleep, and I am working on getting better sleep so I’m a more well rested human.

    To that end, I will say good night.

    May you have a restful sleep.

    (I am not sure what kind of sleep I’ll have, but here’s to hoping it’s a good one!)

  • I’m Going to Therapy

    Yes, therapy.

    Some of you probably thought I may have already been going.

    Nope.

    I have been so concerned with the others in my life who need help, I have been neglecting someone important. Me.

    I finally bit the bullet and contacted a therapist this week. I have my first appointment next week, and I’m hoping we connect so I can start and end this journey with one human.

    I have been using other methods, and have gotten some help via chat when my daughter was struggling with suicidal thoughts, but have not taken the time to make sure I am getting the help I need.

    I am glad I have taken this step, and I am also nervous. Nervous because I know I will have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and face some stuff I have compartmentalized over the years.

    There is a part of me that wants to back out, I won’t lie. Facing things I have stuffed way deep down is scary.

    I just keep telling myself that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to release some of the demons that have been weighing me down. Maybe I can learn to be more graceful with myself.

    Maybe I will become more confident in my own skin.

    So many benefits of adding this to my toolbox.

    It’s about time.

    Let’s do this.

  • Scrambled Eggs

    I don’t really know how to write. Most of the time I just sit and type, hoping that what is coming out of my brain makes sense.

    Let’s face it, a mentally ill brain is a lot like scrambled eggs. A bunch of thoughts all shaken up and then plopped down on a plate, and you hope that what you’ve made is good.

    I’d like to think that most of the time I make some sense, but I know there are times when I don’t. I know there are times that I ramble on and sometimes repeat myself.

    I’m afraid that if I don’t get it all out of my head that I’ll forget to say something I find important. But it can get caught up in my jumbled thoughts and come out as a giant ball of irrational words.

    I need to learn how to pause, and breathe.

    In the moment, it’s hard. That pause may make me lose my train of thought, or so I think. But in all honesty it may give me that one moment of clarity that I am so desperately seeking.

    I was at a conference in Montreal this week. A lot of presentations focused on leadership. One thing I noticed was the ability of some of the presenters to have that uncomfortable pause. To wait for however many seconds before repeating a question, or moving on.

    I guess I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. To have that pause. To not be afraid of it.

    So I will be making a small not to have at my desk this week.

    Pause. Breathe. Start again.

    Here’s to finding clarity, and to being uncomfortable.

  • It’s Going…..

    Not really sure how it’s going, but it’s going.

    It’s been a roller coaster ride these past couple of months.

    I can report that my kiddo has found a psychologist that she is starting to work with, and that has taken a load off my shoulders. Her medication has been adjusted to a level that is working for her right now.

    We are slowly cleaning out the clutter in our apartment and making it the cozy haven we would like it to be. This included getting rid of the demon couch from Wayfair and getting a new couch which suits us much better and doesn’t make creaking noises every time we sit down (and make us wonder if it would continue to hold our weight).

    I lost a good friend to cancer last month, and that really spun me around. It was fast moving, and she was only 48 years old. It still seems so surreal.

    As always, a death makes you rethink your priorities. Usually, it’s for a short period of time and then things go back to the way they were. This one hit different. This one really makes me sit back and take stock in my life. I have a letterboard in my office that says, “Remember What Is Important”. Every time I get caught up in something, I look at it and remember what IS important.

    I am slowly shifting back to regular working hours and making sure I take time for me. This is making a difference in my daily outlook, and I am not so frigging tired all the time. It’s also making a big difference in my mental health as well.

    Losing track of priorities and boundaries really takes a toll on me. Remembering the human in me reminds me to take a step back.

    Stop.

    Breathe.

    Start again.

    A pause is always good, and a deep breath to go along with it is even better.

    It’s time to hit the reset button.

    Time to start fresh, and clean out the cobwebs.

  • Update and The New Kitten

    Mr. Eggs Benedict

    It’s been a rough go this past little while.

    Some med adjustments for my daughter have happened, with one as recent as I sit and write this post.

    I can report that she is doing better than she was, but we are still in an uphill battle.

    We now have some recommendations for a Psychiatrist and I am going to have to pay out of pocket, but it will be worth it if it helps her move forward.

    There are other things happening in my world, but those stories are not mine to share. Let’s just say it’s been a trying time.

    On a positive note, physical activity seems to help. We just need to do more of it. That is the struggle some days, getting out the door. My daughter’s anxiety will sometimes make it difficult, but we do what we can.

    One thing that seems to be helping is our latest addition to the household. Mr. Eggs Benedict joined us from the SPCA, and is a little ball of energy.

    A moment of solitude

    He is keeping my daughter occupied and her mind off of “everything wrong”. It has been a blessing to have this little man join our other two cats.

    (The introduction process has been slow, as we have one geriatric cat and a younger cat. But it’s coming along.)

    Sometimes a welcome distraction is what you need.

    We’ll just continue to take it day by day.

  • Sad Days

    As I sit and type this, I worry.

    My daughter is not doing well.

    It’s been almost 2 weeks since she has started to have suicidal thoughts.

    She left her job because of it, before she saw a physician, because it was unbearable. We were not able to get her an appointment right away, and she was not going to continue to suffer at work.

    She’s under the care of our family physician and her medication has been adjusted significantly.

    I am very lucky. She came to me. She talked to me, and we are navigating this as a family.

    As a Mom, it’s devastating. I am now in a constant state of worry. Trying to take care of myself is hard. The first instinct is to tend to her and push myself to the side. My family reminds me to take care of myself, and I am thankful for that.

    The state of mental heath care is scary. Hearing the stories of people being turned away, people not being given the access to the care they so desperately need, made me forego taking her to Emerg when she first came to me.

    We are managing this with our family physician, and for now, it is working.

    My hope is that we can get a psychologist, but paying outright for one is hard (my daughter is not under a plan), and getting one through the mental health system? Well, it’s going to take forever.

    I am trying to gather up any free resources I can find, and have the telephone numbers of crisis lines if needed.

    We are taking things day by day. That’s the way of it for now.

    Thankful for my support system, and thankful she is still here with me.

    We’ll keep fighting this together.

  • Post Covid, Vacation, and other Random Things

    Well, let me tell you one thing. Covid wasn’t great. Sickest I’ve been in a while. My taste and smell are coming back, as well as my energy.

    I am currently on vacation, so it was great to have the time off to get better. By the time week one was done I was starting to enjoy my time.

    I was able to get my room sorted with the help of my daughter. My depression had been living in my room for quite some time. Got a full garbage bag full of stuff to turf. Some time this week I’ll tackle my closet, which is a whole different beast.

    Mid clean…I should have done a before shot.
    So much clutter gone!

    Reset my coffee station by my bed. I had lots of pods that were buried in the mess my room had become.

    We have a bunch of stuff that we are purging, so once it stops raining I’ll be lugging stuff out so our downstairs doesn’t look like a bad thrift store.

    Having a mental illness affects so much in your life. I will feel so much better once we’re not surrounded by items we no longer use/that are broken. Clutter in the brain and clutter in the house is not a good combo.

    About a year ago I wrote about my weight gain and my struggles with it. I have accepted where I am with it, and now that my energy is returning I can get back to being active again. Movement is good for the body and the brain. My running may take a bit to come back, but that’s okay. Slow and steady for a full return is better than no return at all.

    I was able to participate in the Pride Parade this past weekend, and was light headed afterwards, so I know what my limit is right now. Thanks Covid.

    All in all, things are okay right now. Taking this break is really making a difference. I am feeling rested.

    Now to continue my de-depressioning of this apartment by finishing up laundry and getting the kitchen sorted.

    Let’s go!

  • Roll the Dice

    Each day I wake up and roll the dice.

    These aren’t your regular dice. These are special mental illness dice.

    Sometimes I roll a good day. These days I don’t doubt myself, and I am not exhausted from fighting my brain.

    Sometimes I roll a bad day, and I want to crawl back into bed. These days I am at my most vulnerable. You won’t know when I am having these days, because I’ll hide it.

    Most days I roll a mediocre day. I will get through it without too much self doubt. My brain will try its best to beat me down, but I will have just enough fight in me to fend off the negativity.

    Thankfully, it’s been along time since I haven’t wanted to roll the dice at all. Those days are dangerous because I am at the bottom of the rabbit hole and can’t see my way out. Fuck the dice, how about a goddamn rope to pull me up.

    I know that some will say “Why do you even have these dice?”

    I need them.

    These dice are my saving grace some days.

    They allow me the opportunity to face down what may inevitably screw me over. I can be my own worst enemy. If I know what lies ahead, I can prepare myself.

    So, I guess you can say they’re a part of my toolbox. Like my meds they can’t cure my mental illness, but they can help me navigate it.

    And if you’re wondering, my dice are purple 😉

  • Feels Like a Circle

    Mental illness has seasons, well, mine does at least.

    It’s like a circle. I’m in the middle, watching the seasons go by. I can’t touch the outer ring because I am stuck in place. I can’t make the circle bigger, or break the ring. I just sit, and watch it.

    The seasons that are out of my peripheral vision, those are my good moments. I can always see my bad ones, even if I want to deny them.

    I can’t dictate how fast the seasons move around the circle. The illness does.

    When I am in survival mode, I build a small fortress in the middle. Problem is, I can’t see the seasons pass. Self preservation is paramount and I can’t take the focus off of that.

    I am in the fortress now. It’s safe in here, but I am on the defensive. Always on high alert.

    It’s exhausting in here. I miss watching the seasons pass. In the fortress it is always winter. Grey, cold, lifeless.

    I know if I break down the walls the seasons will return to the circle.

    I am afraid of feeling good. I am afraid to feel, period. But if I don’t get out of here, I’ll become numb and go down the rabbit hole.

    This week I’ve been knocking some bricks out of the wall. I’ve made peace with a couple of things that have been chewing in my ear.

    Next week will be hard. I will ask for help with some things, which will give me some footing to keep going.

    Slowly the seasons will start moving around the circle again. I won’t be in the eternal winter sitting in this fortress. The more bricks I destroy the better, even though it’s hard.

    I am hoping I will be happy to see the sun, and to breathe the fresh air. I really need it right now.

    It’s time to be vulnerable, and be open to what is coming my way.

    Scared? Oh hell yes.

    Oh hell yes.