The Midlife Reframe

Category: mentalhealth

  • I Was Afraid

    So let’s just dive in.

    One of the things that I am afraid of, when I go on my medication, is that I am going to “lose myself”.

    It’s part of how my brain tries to trick me into thinking I don’t need the medication.

    In the back of mind I KNOW it won’t turn me into someone else, but there is that part of me, of my brain, that grasps tightly onto self preservation.

    It has taken me years to become comfortable with who I am, and who I have become. I don’t want to lose that.

    Since I was self aware of my mental health and it’s decline this time, I had to keep telling myself that the medication will not change who I AM, it is changing the chemicals in my brain so I can be myself.

    There is still a chance that I will require something else for my anxiety, and I am okay with that. That component of my illness is still a tad ramped. If I need to have a combination of medication, then so be it.

    There is NOTHING shameful about needing medication. I cannot express that enough.

    I am making sure I move. I am making sure I have human contact (outside of work). I am taking time for me.

    I am still weird.

    I am still awkward.

    I am still wickedly awesome.

    Rock on my fellow weirdos.

    Rock on.

    @crazymamaruns

  • My Brain, The Jerk

    So, here we are.

    I am 5 days into my dosage upgrade.

    It’s been dizzy and sleepy.

    I can say now that those side effects are slowly retreating, and I am finding it a little easier to get out of bed in the morning.

    I am still chewing the sides of my fingernails, although not as much. Still gross.

    I am thankful for those people around me who have not treated me any different than before I announced I was back on medication to stop going down the rabbit hole (again).

    Saying, and acknowledging, that I need help is a very vulnerable moment.

    The days after that are hard. I feel defeated, and tired. The meds are working on my brain chemistry and I am trying to fight the lie machine that lives inside my head.

    It likes to tell me that I deserve to have people pull away. It reminds me of all the awful things that have happened in my life and tells me it was my fault. It will tell me that everyone is talking shit about me when I’m not around.

    I become even more guarded. I will push people away.

    I will doubt every decision. I will doubt my own capabilities.

    I will overdo things because I think I need to make up for my “deficiency”.

    I will be awkward.

    I will be full of insecurity.

    Knowing that I will get better is not always the ray of light it should be.

    Each day is tackled one at a time.

    I will get through this, even though my brain will tell me otherwise.

    This inner war is exhausting.

    I just need a little patience, and understanding.

    I am doing okay, and I will keep moving forward.

    You can go and suck it, jerk brain.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Mentally Ill Mother: Mentally Ill Daughter (Or: Stop Telling Me Your Tools Are Better Than Mine)

    You would think that with all of the talk around mental health and the options for treatment, that people would be a little more understanding when it comes to folks choosing the best option for them. From what I have been reading lately, this is not the case.

    So, once again, I am telling the condensed story of why I will choose medication when needed (now with TeenThing’s condensed story included).

    Let’s begin:

    Almost 7 years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I was in such a state I could not function as a regular human.

    (Before all of you “physical activity is the best antidepressant” people even start: I was working as a personal trainer when I was diagnosed. I worked out almost every day. I WAS DYING INSIDE.)

    My whole body hurt. Going outside caused me EXTREME anxiety. I would physically shake when I drove. I probably shouldn’t have been driving (oh well, too late to correct that now). I cried at the drop of a hat.

    I was put on medication when my doctor diagnosed me. Between the medication and my weekly/bi-weekly visits with her, I slowly began to come around.

    Eventually, I was able to go off of medication, for a while. I also went back on medication a couple of years later. I am currently not medicated, and that could change.

    Lesson: I do not wish to feel like I cannot function as a human, so when it is required, and all other options are not working, I will choose medication.

    Recently:

    In November of 2017, my daughter was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I posted about her diagnosis and how I was chastised about “putting her on meds”.

    My daughter is a relatively grown human. It was HER decision to go on medication.

    Watching her go through the trial and error process to weed out what was going on was awful.

    She would go to work, and then call to come home. She would be crying. She couldn’t be around people. She became nauseous at the thought of dealing with the public. Our trip to Scotland had it’s moments of ick.

    It was not fun.

    The toolset she was given during the first visit to the doctor was not working.

    When she went back to see the doctor, I was there. I sat, let her talk, and together they discussed options. My daughter made the decision to try medication.

    Today she is doing well. There are still off days, but she is working and functioning.

    Lesson: Her decision, made by her, was the right thing, FOR HER.

    There are people who can manage their illness without being medicated. I am not putting these people down, at all.

    What I am saying is this: We all have tools in our toolkit. Some work better than others. Some things work better for me, some work better for you.

    So please, stop telling me I am using the wrong tool, when it’s my toolbox.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Not Racing…On Purpose

    As most of you know, I am taking this year off from racing. It wasn’t an easy decision and I went back and forth with it, until my body finally had enough, and yelled STOP!

    I am staying away from everything race related this year (well, I’m going to try) because I just need to.

    Do I miss it? Fuck yes.

    I am usually nearing the end of a training cycle right now, as the Scotiabank Bluenose Marathon (my usual spring half) is during our May long weekend.

    It has been weird, BUT…

    I have been working on my muscle imbalances.

    I am getting the rest I really need, physically and mentally. When racing and training starts messing with your head, it’s time to step back.

    I am still running, and it’s starting to become something I enjoy again (thanks to my awesome BRF).

    I am slowly getting my weight training back into my schedule, and I am considering looking at some PT sessions this summer to amp this up.

    I deleted my Garmin account (THE HORROR!) and I am using my Apple Watch to track my fitness.

    AND: There are days I do nothing fitness related.

    I admit that I was afraid of taking this year off.

    I was soooo scared of what may happen (read: freaked that I may not run AT ALL and not miss it).

    But now that I am 4 months in, I’m okay.

    Will I race next year? Don’t know.

    But if I don’t, it’s okay. Racing does not define who I am as a runner.

    That was my internal struggle. That is what I had to come to terms with. I don’t HAVE to race to call myself a runner.

    Racing is a such a personal thing. I loved racing to see where I could push myself physically and mentally.

    Once it becomes about other things, it’s no longer fun.

    So, for now, I am going to continue to enjoy my running on the track, road, and on the trails.

    See you out there fellow runners 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • Am I Doing This Wrong?

    It’s funny how quickly self reflection turns into some extreme self criticism.

    Struggling to take expectations off of oneself is not easy.

    There is an internal daily struggle:

    Why can’t I figure this out?

    Why am I so stuck?

    I’ll never figure this out.

    I’m not capable of *insert thing here*.

    I’m not smart enough.

    I’m not going to get through this in one piece.

    Funny thing is: I know I’m capable, I know I’m smart, and I have gotten myself through some pretty awful shit.

    What I am coming to terms with right now are my “mistakes”. I have always seen my mistakes as failures and not lessons. I am slowly trying to gather the lessons and learn what my roadblocks are.

    I’m also going to have to use my “toolbox” of skills more when it comes to stressful situations. It’s so easy to head into a tailspin.

    My Sunday runs with my BRF are helping (and the runs I have that are my own, without technology and without social media posts).

    Making sure I wind down every night also helps.

    I need to remind myself often that I can’t do it all, and no one is expecting me to do it all.

    My journey into self reflection is a long winding road.

    I’m always learning.

    Always reminding myself: I am a human.

    Doing my best.

    One chaotic day at a time.

    @crazymamaruns

  • What I am Learning

    I started my yoga journey to slowly get my body back to some fluid movement after beating it up for many years with my running.

    I have been learning a lot, about my body and about myself.

    I am becoming more present (although on my not so good days this can still be a struggle) and facing a lot of my feelings head on.

    I am painfully aware of where I am holding all of my stress, and slowly learning how to release it (hello hips and shoulders, lol).

    I am glad I started yoga (again) and made it it a part of my daily routine.

    I will continue to be true to myself and to ride the wave that is my brain, being unapologetic about where I am.

    I’ve found my breath.

    I am finding my voice.

    Namaste bitches.

    @crazymamaruns

  • It’s Not Always A Choice

    I wake up every day and check in with whatever emotion is at the top of the list.

    I acknowledge it.

    If I can, I ride it out. I am more willing nowadays to face what I am feeling and accept it.

    This doesn’t work for everyone, and I acknowledge that.

    I believe that accepting how I feel gives me the power to ride whatever wave comes at me.

    I can’t choose every day to be happy. My brain isn’t wired that way.

    I wanted to believe this very much after I was first diagnosed with depression. That I could choose my emotions each day. I drowned myself in motivational memes and quotes.

    It became exhausting, deciding/choosing to be happy, because I really wasn’t. I wanted to be. I just couldn’t force it. I couldn’t motivational quote/meme myself into happiness.

    I’ve been living with my diagnosis for almost 7 years now. Medicated twice.

    I’ve learned what works for me. This illness is a very individual thing. What works for one person may not work for another.

    I embrace my good days and ride out the bad.

    Find what works for you and embrace it. Know that it may not work for someone else.

    Support each other.

    Be kind.

    Realize it’s not always a choice, and that’s okay.

    @crazymamaruns

  • I Have Magic Socks

    These socks right here are magic socks.

    I wore them to bed one night last week.

    When I woke up the next morning, this is where they were. NO LONGER ON MY FEET!

    They were not on my bedroom floor.

    They were not in bed with me.

    They were on my body pillow, laid out exactly like this, beside me.

    Pretty sure that’s some witchcraft right there.

    (Not really, but what state of sleep brain was I in to take these off and place them EXACTLY LIKE THIS on my body pillow? Wiiiitchcraaaaaaaft.)

    In other news: I managed to do 7 classes of yoga since Saturday. I am winning self care this week!

    Go me!!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Starting Over…Again

    So, if you’ve been following along lately, you have been witness to my roller coaster, love/hate relationship with my fitness.

    Having multiple injuries and running through them made my body go full stop.

    Reality Check: I needed to stop.

    I needed to reassess my body.

    I needed a break.

    Running through my injuries hell bent on finishing up a season took its toll on me not only physically, but mentally as well.

    Not taking time to seriously work on the muscle weakness in my body just made it harder.

    What I loved doing became something I was beginning to despise. I was associating it with pain.

    It was becoming mentally exhausting to get myself motivated to run. To move. So different from the feelings I associated with my running. There was no more joy.

    After taking a little break from everything, I took some time this weekend to think about what this year would look like for me.

    It’s still a little up in the air right now, but I took the first step today. One minute plank.

    Tomorrow will be step 2. I will decide whatever step that is when I wake up, lol.

    Baby steps.

    Baby.

    Steps.

    @crazymamaruns

  • It’s Okay to Just Survive

    Hello January

    This time of year can be rough.

    Everyone is talking about their resolutions.

    Commercials on TV are trying to sell you a new life:  weight loss, gym memberships, etc.

    This does start well before the holiday season, and can be overwhelming as shit.

    I’ve done the resolution thing, and I’ve also done the intentions thing.  This year I am just continuing on with my journey.  A year of finding myself, reminding my body that it can do amazing things, and not crapping on myself every day, lol.

    It’s been weird not going into the start of year not training for a half marathon.  I’m full of restless energy, but yet super tired at the same time.

    With everyone around me on social media ploughing into the new year with training plans and mega runs, it is a struggle to not beat myself up if I don’t get in a run, or the gym, or a walk.   I’ve decided I am going to try and NOT make myself feel bad for not going out of the gate with any type of training plan (run or gym) as it is not in my best interest mentally.  I have just gotten back to WANTING to lace up,  and my calves are still a tad cranky.  Working on my glutes has made quite a difference, but there is still some work to do.

    I know, a lot of folks think that daily physical fitness is the best solution for mental illness.  Yes, it helps, but it isn’t the only solution.  Mental illness is complicated.

    Besides, this time of year is hard enough for me.  I honestly just want to curl up and hibernate.  Trying to embrace the winter is a challenge, but I am working on it.

    One way to embrace the colder weather:  I can skate outside.  There is a marsh up the road from me, so I went for a little spin the other day.  I had the spot to myself and had a great time. [MEGA BONUS: Today my calves are very happy, so this is something I am planning to enjoy more of this year.]

    Belchers Marsh. Skating with chairs and a tire, lol

    I am also trying to remind myself to breathe each day.  To take even one minute to just sit and pause (well, my watch reminds to do this, lol).

    So if you didn’t hop on the resolution train like me, don’t be concerned.  Continuing on your journey, your way, is what is important.

    Realistically, my moment in the journey is here:  I am just trying to survive right now, and that’s okay.

    @crazymamaruns