The Midlife Reframe

Category: mentalhealth

  • Why Not “Letting it Go” Is Okay

    Me….not letting go.

    [This post was inspired by a friend of mine.]

    I hear it all the time.  Goddammit I say it.  I say it knowing what is really going to happen in my head:  “Let it go.”

    Well, what if you CAN’T let it go?

    I bring this point of view from the ‘mental illness of me’ perspective:

    • Depression and anxiety are voices
    • Those voices whisper
    • Those voices WON’T let it go

    When the switch is flipped, it won’t turn off.  I can’t just let something go.  My brain will relive the words/a situation over and over, especially if it’s bad.  That shit feeds my brain like candy.

    Out of the blue I will relive a moment that is not memorable to anyone, but because I may  have said something that wasn’t necessarily good (in my brain), the movie of that moment plays out, and is unfortunately memorable TO ME.  Not in a good way

    This tends to happen right before I go to bed.  FUN.

    Although, I gotta say that I really enjoy it when it happens at work.  Then I feel totally stoooopid.  Makes for a great day of supreme self doubt.  EXTREME SARCASM FONT.

    My brain will release the vice grip every now and then and in that brief moment I can “let it go”.

    In reality, my brain is really going through the hit list of Amy’s Awkward Moments.  It resets my top 5 every week, choosing various memories from my early childhood, to something that happened yesterday.  I know this and have fully accepted the rotating hit list.

    So, if we could all try and use “let it go” a little less (unless you’re Elsa, and singing in a frozen castle), and try super awesome distraction methods instead, I think we could all avoid some pent up hostility.

    Okay?

    Okay.

    Thanks 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Update from the Land of Us

    Our Foggy Walk This Morning

    To say it’s been an easy few weeks would not be accurate.  With work and home, and the time leading into the holidays, it’s been freaking exhausting.  Not the physical type of exhaustion either, lol.

    TeenThing is my mental illness mirror…as in she is more anxiety than depression.  I’m pretty sure this means we balance each other out.  It’s a good thing we both have a sense of humour, because I am pretty sure that has been a major player in how we have been getting through the initial medication stage.  For example:  I had to wake her up early this morning, so I nudged her awake and danced in her room until she woke up.  Luckily she thinks I’m funny 😉

    Today was our doctor visit, and she increased TeenThing’s med dosage.  We should be able to see a difference in her anxiety within the next week or two.  She is doing much better and I am so happy she asked for help when she did.  Our doctor was very optimistic about her progress so far and for her treatment going forward.  It has definitely put my mind at ease.  She goes back in a month for another check in and then if all is well we should be good to go to move forward in her treatment.

    For now, we are now focusing on getting her sorted with work and getting through the busy holiday season.

    That being said, keep this in mind when you are frustrated and shopping/movie-ing/eating out over the next month:  There are a lot of kids out there working in the stores/theatres/eating establishments.  They don’t make the rules, or the prices, or the return/exchange policies.  They are just doing what they have been trained to do.  They are not trying to ruin your day.  Please don’t be jerks.

    I have been “unpacking” my compartmentalized boxes and working on me bit by bit. Something that is irritating and needs to stop is me chewing on the sides of my fingernails.  It’s gross I know, but that is my illness manifesting itself as a habit and I have to get a hold on it.

    In terms of physical fitness me:  I have a new glute program to follow and will be back to some yoga classes this week at the gym.  Any running I will be doing will be on the track, as I have some stretching and exercises to do prior to lacing up.  I am also going to get back on track with my weights, as that has been haphazard at best.  All of this will determine my race status going into 2019.

    I must say, opening up my 2018 to regaining my strength and mental clarity has given me more flexibility with my schedule and I am really looking forward to it.

    So, onward and upward!  It’s almost time to get Christmas-y 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Musings From a Mentally Ill Mother

    So.

    It is one week past TeenThing’s diagnosis.

    Into week 2 on her meds.

    So far nothing scary in the land of side effects.

    We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.

    I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.

    A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week.  One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.

    Let’s be clear:

    • She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
    • She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
    • This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now.  When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there.  FOR MONTHS.

    If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.

    Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER.  Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone.  There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it.  It really is about time people start thinking this way.  I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.

    I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness.  It’s sad that I am used to it.

    BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:

    On the way home tonight I made a decision.

    Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.

    No judgement.

    Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.

    A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.

    A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.

    I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.

    I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while.  But I didn’t.  All good on the Mama front for now.

    I think we’ll be okay.

    If anything, we aren’t going to be boring 😉

     

     

     

  • And Then There Were Two

    They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    My apple, she fell and bounced into a tree similar to her momma.

    My smart and funny TeenThing was diagnosed with depression and anxiety this week.

    This journey started a while back, and we had to go through a process of elimination (two rounds of birth control pills over the past couple of years) to be able to say that it wasn’t hormone related.

    Like her mother, she is very good at hiding some of her symptoms.  In preparation for the appointment with our family physician I had her write down everything, as she would have to share it so we could get a proper diagnosis.

    I told her that she didn’t HAVE to tell me everything before we went, but she did have to tell the doctor.  She was articulate, clear, and brave.

    It’s been hard to keep myself from saying “you should do x, or y”.  To remind myself that mental illness is a very individual beast.

    I’ve compartmentalized alot.  My focus now is on being there for her as we navigate her trial of medication and set her up with all the tools she will need to keep to a normal schedule so that she doesn’t hibernate.

    I am proud of her for asking for help.  Proud of how strong and brave she is.

    So, for now, we’ll take it day by day.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Running – For Me


    My last “official” race of 2017 was the Valley Harvest 5k.

    It was a warm day.  I had a head cold.  I managed 30 minutes and I was happy 😃

    I chose Valley Harvest because of the beautiful scenery in Wolfville…..and the blanket.


    Taking all expectation off of myself has given me back some of the joy I was missing when I ran.  The shorter distances have been a blessing as well.  My body was hungry for a break.

    Last weekend was a fun run to support Feed Nova Scotia at the Canada Games Centre.  It was a beautiful day, and a great turnout.

    I ran with a couple of my running peeps from the neighbourhood and we had a great run!  Plus, there was pie, Starbucks, and Booster Juice at the end 🙂

    I’ve run a couple of days this week during my lunch hour, and I felt great.  It’s bringing me back to the start.  My lunch runs are 3k and it’s the perfect distance.  I can get away from my desk, get the rush, and burn off some steam.


    I am finding my balance.

    Finding the joy.

    Running for me.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Where Things Sit

    A very happy me (a sick me, lol) after a wonderful 5k at the Valley Harvest Marathon Weekend in Wolfville.

    As I sit here and type this post, it is Thanksgiving Monday in Canada.

    We had a great turkey feast yesterday, after a very early morning traveling so I could run a 5k at the 25th Anniversary of the Valley Harvest Marathon.

    I have a lingering head cold, and was thankful I felt well enough to run this beautiful course.

    I have one more run this season, the Food Run to support Feed Nova Scotia next weekend here in my neighbourhood.

    After having a great run yesterday in Wolfville, part of me started to question my decision to take a break from racing next year (I say this as I think…”well, maybe a few 5ks wouldn’t be so bad”, or “well, maybe some trail running would be better for me”, lol).  As runners we push ourselves to our physical and mental limits.  We question why we do this to ourselves as we run, but then bask in the afterglow.

    Running has always been cathartic for me.  I see things differently after a run.  It gives me a fresh perspective on things.  It connects me to my inner peace.

    The reality of the situation is this:  my body is out of balance.  My weak muscles are the ones that need to be strong, and my strong muscles are making up for the weak.  This is why I need to dial back and work on the imbalances.

    Mentally I need the break from the constant pressure I put myself under.  No one is harder on me, than me.  Trust me on that.

    The running community is a great source of support for me.  I can draw strength and ask for advice.  They do not judge.  They seek to understand and offer advice. I am grateful for that.  They see my back and forth as a struggle to do what’s right for me and my need to lace up and head out.

    I am truly looking forward to working on myself, taking the time to figure out my body at 45 years old, and find out what it is truly capable of.

    So, you’ll still see me out on the road, but you’ll also see me in the gym.  It’s part of the mind/body relationship I’ve ignored for too long.

    This is where things sit, and I’m really okay with it 🙂

    Hoping you’ll continue to come along with me to see where my running will take me down this fork in the road.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • It’s My “Anniversary”!!! Sort of……

     

    So here we are.

    June.

    My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.

    I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons.  One being:  I have learned so much.  Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.

    I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).

    I know my limits.

    I know when to say no.

    I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.

    It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”.  You need to be in that space to put it out there.  I have no problem sharing my experiences.   Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice.  I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently.  I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”.  Because that does not help.  At all.  Shut down.

    Every person experiences this illness differently.  Copes with it differently.  Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.

    The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.

    This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.

    My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month.  Another shift in my time/space continuum.  Our dynamic will change again.  I have been mulling this over in my  head, probably more than I should, and even though  I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.

    I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉  She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay.  She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.

    I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11.  It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂

    So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!

    I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.

    One thing that won’t change:  Running 😉

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • That’s All Folks!

    Well, I did it.

    The weather was perfect.  The energy was amazing. I was ready.

    Hydration baby!

    Once I got downtown, I ran into some of my running friends 🙂   We had a chat before they went our for their 10k.

    I went into my training with the A/B/C plan in my head.  A: Go for my best time. B: Go for my best time when I am not my best.  C: Don’t die and finish, lol.

    I went with my Plan B, and decided to hang out with the 2:15 Pace Bunny and see how it went.

    I was concerned, I won’t lie.  Not running the last few weeks of training really had me worried.  Thankfully my PT and RMT told me I would be okay.

    I was okay.

    I felt good.  I met a Twitter bud Shelley while running along Agricola Street.  My body was feeling okay. After the first 5kms I went a little bit ahead of the Pace Bunny, but kept close enough to hear when we would take our walk breaks.  I stayed out front until Point Pleasant Park and “the hill”.  I wanted to walk it, mostly because I know when I hit my wall, and if walking that hill cut into my time, I was willing to save my legs to get me through until the end.

    I caught up with the group on our way out of Point Pleasant and tried to stay with them as much as I could.  Shelley and I met up again and we hung out for a bit until her knee got angry with her and she told me to soldier on.

    I soldiered.  I walked when I needed to.

    I was treated to a dance and a hug by my friend Tab who was out there cheering all the runners on South Park Street 🙂

    I chugged along until I hit the last couple of kms.  I then ran into my Twitter friend Sherry who was volunteering at a water station. She ran with me until the corner of Citadel Hill (thanks girl!).  Then I walked a bit, because this is “almost the end”.   It’s downhill.  Then the slow painful incline of Brunswick Street, lol.

    I hoofed it down Cogswell Street, heard someone yelling my name (later found out who that was – another social media peep, Chantal!), and got down to Brunswick.  I took a short walk break.  Then started running again.

    Not too long before the Finish Line I heard a familiar voice coming up beside me.  Shelley had made it!  We ran across the finish line together 🙂

    Shelley and I heading into the Scotiabank Centre for some TLC (and I had a hankering for chocolate milk!)

    I am lucky to have a good Sherpa Team waiting at the finish line of every race.  My Mom and TeenThing 🙂

    This race, as rough as it was for me the last few kilometres, reminded me why I love to run.

    So very thankful.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Why I Am Retiring the Half Marathon

    Need to find this feeling again.

    So if you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you know that I announced that my half marathon on May 21st will be my last half marathon.

    I struggled with this decision through training.  Even though I started out strong, every bump in the road seemed like a mountain.  Running started to become a burden.  The thing I love was becoming something I did not look forward to.

    It had nothing to do with my support team and my friends.  They were the ones who helped me get my butt out the door.  I could not have made it this far in my training without them!

    I place a very high expectation on myself.  When things don’t go as I think they SHOULD have, I can fall into a big black hole of self doubt that is not exactly fun.

    The remainder of my race season is made up of shorter distance races.

    I am in need of a reset.

    During some of my solo training runs I went off the beaten path.  I found that it was in those moments that I felt more at peace.  I enjoyed myself.

    I do believe that the trails are calling.  More time in Mother Nature is required.  I need it.  My soul needs it.  I need to find the joy in running again.

    2018 will be about running for just for me.  No concerns about pace, time, or serious training.  I am going to run for fun.  Find my love of lacing up early in the morning and being outside before the chaos of the day begins.

    So, next weekend I hope to crush this last half marathon and enjoy the remainder of the year which will be filled with a few fun things including: TeenThing’s Prom, Graduation, and Graduation Trip (Hello SCOTLAND!).

    Looking forward to finding the joy.

    @crazymamaruns

    p.s. We will be vlogging Scotland.  So excited!!

     

     

     

     

     

  • I’m Deficient

    Vitamin D3 deficiency.

    Never thought I would hear that as a result from my blood work.

    Google Search Image

    I didn’t have the insomnia issue, quite the opposite in fact.  I have been experiencing hair loss, but I have psoriasis on my scalp (and more recently in my ears), so I am used to some hair loss.  I have depression, but I didn’t feel hopeless or feel like I WANTED to stay in bed all day.  I was just SO TIRED.  Sleeping for 10 hours was doing nothing.  I still wanted to sleep.  *Sigh*

    I am so very thankful for my BRF Kara.  She got me through my 18km run last weekend.  We are a kickass team when we run together 🙂

    My BRF and I after that super tired 18kms.

    When I was at the doctor’s office I was shocked that this was my result.  I asked him if this could cause the extreme fatigue and excessive sleeping.  He said yes.

    He advised me to start Vitamin D3 supplements, 2000IU per day.  I should start feeling an improvement in a couple of weeks, and hopefully feel completely better in a month.

    I was relieved to be sure.  I had myself thinking it was  something awful.  Overthinking is my specialty 😉

    Pretty sure I’ve been a hot mess all week.  I have been so tired I’ve wanted to cry, and I almost have on quite a few occasions.

    Now, to reset and be thankful.  I’ll be fine to complete training and run my half in May!!

    @crazymamaruns