The Midlife Reframe

Category: mentalhealth

  • When Overthinking Seeps Into The Run

    Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

    So for those of you who have been keeping up with me on social media know, I have been plagued with cranky calves.  If you aren’t following me on social media:  I am plagued with crank calves, lol.

    Ever since my knee surgery in 2015, I have been pushing with my calves to run.  I am pretty sure this is because I was afraid that I would break off more dead pieces of femur, would be back in the same spot, and require more surgery.

    I have been at physio getting myself looked after (yay dry needling!) and working on strength training to get my quads, hammies and glutes to activate.  I am also working on my balance and core work.

    Bosu!!

    My last long run was good.  Things are activating.  My butt and upper legs are SORE (not the bad sore, but the “heyyyyy, we are working here” kind of sore that I haven’t felt in a while) and I was happy with what I could pull off after not really pounding out the kms the week prior.

    My problem now:  I am overthinking how I am running.

    Seriously overthinking.

    I ran 4kms in the evening after my lunchtime physio and all I could do was think “Are my glutes activating?”  “My calves are sore, but I had dry needling, so is it that or did I screw them up again?” “Keep using the upper legs.”  “You probably look weird” “You should be in the Fitness Centre doing leg work” “WHY CAN’T I JUST RUN LIKE I USED TO!?”.

    Needless to say, I got the run done, but it was noisy.

    Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain.

    My goal is to do the remaining runs this week and not think about it.  Try to enjoy the run, and remember why I love it:  the endorphins, the sweat, the joy.

    It’s a big request for my brain.  Hoping it can step up to the challenge.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Running and the Seesaw of Depression

    See this girl here?  This is a happy runner.

    Sun, snow, and a happy 5k.
    Sun, snow, and a happy 5k.

    I am not always like this when I run.  Some of my solo runs are hard sloggy messes.  This is where running becomes more than a physical game.  Mentally a hard run is rough for any runner.  For me a hard run feels like complete failure and no matter what I tell myself, I agree with the voice that is whispering in my ear.   Lanni Marchant herself could sit beside me and say “It’s just one run”.  I still hear the voice.  The one that says “Why bother, you suck”.

    If I don’t get enough sleep, any run can turn into a soul sucking event.  This is why I love my sleep.  It is one of the most important parts of my half marathon training.  It is a big help mentally as well.

    I cherish my good runs.  A LOT.  These make my sloggy messes melt away and I am charged for my next run.  If I am having a good stretch of happies then I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and live to run another day.  🙂

    But if my next run is not so good, and I am not at my best, the seesaw stops being a regular flow and I crash to the ground.

    The equation varies, which creates so many possible outcomes.   I struggle with this every time I train.

    Sunshine can make a bad run not so bad.
    Sunshine can make a bad run not so bad when I am feeling okay.

    When I have a couple of sloggy messes that I need to remember that: #1 I am a human being, #2 I am not getting paid to do this, #3 That means it is not the end of my running, #4 Everyone has bad runs, even elite athletes, and #5 I am lucky to be able to lace up and do something I love.

    Running doesn’t always lift me to where I want to be, but it is something that I love to do.  Giving out big sweaty hugs post run can be quite enjoyable 😉

    Running bonus:  Long run celebratory treats 🙂

    My fav: Coffee and Chocolate Croissant!
    My fav: Coffee and Chocolate Croissant!

    Keep fighting for happy my friends, even on your darker days.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Races, Brain Melts, and the Return of the FitBit

     

    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let's hope I don't injure anything, lol.
    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let’s hope I don’t injure anything, lol.

    Okay,

    So over the holidays I decided that I seriously needed to keep moving this year.  Not just for my physical health, but for my mental health.  I sat and muddled about a fall half marathon.  I wanted something close to home (because I am without my own vehicle, and would need to acquire one for long distance travel) and fun.

    I ended up choosing the Half at Maritime Race Weekend.

    Here is the elevation for MRW Half :)
    Here is the elevation for MRW Half 🙂

    I did the Tartan Twosome there last year (5ks) and really enjoyed the atmosphere and all the goodies offered post race.  Also, the views in Eastern Passage are amazing!

    Also, I purchased a Believe Journal over the holidays.  SUPER EXCITED.

    Plan Amy, plan.
    Plan Amy, plan.

    I am ramping up to start training for the BlueNose Half Marathon shortly and have been writing in my journal daily.  I should be receiving my plan soon and am looking forward to getting back on the training train 😉

    You said Brain Melts?

    Oh yes, brain melts.

    Once I had registered and started to plan out my races, I had a brain melt.

    Then panic.

    What had I done?!?!?

    I am usually a one big race and then all the smaller distances to keep me moving.

    I did not get the kms in that I wanted my first week and by the weekend, it caught up with me:  work, life, running, KERSMASH.

    I had an anxiety moment.  A brain melting, bugs crawling on my skin, flight (not fight), moment.

    I’m good now, but it was yuck.

    And now, let’s talk about the FitBit.

    I Thought You Divorced Your FitBit?

    I did.

    We recently made up, for now.  I put my step goal down to 8,000 and joined a challenge.

    Results from first full week:  I can’t do challenges.  It still ramps up my brain and makes me super anxious.

    But I decided to still wear it.  If anything I can see my sleep patterns and make sure I do get up and move around (she says as she sits and types, lol).

    It gives me some motivation to be active, and see lovely sights such as this on my lunch hour:

    Halifax Waterfront
    Halifax Waterfront

    That is what’s been happening here in the land of Amy so far in 2017.  Come back around soon, as we get ready to document the Odyssey that is my life and how I am going to manage 2 Half Marathons and my brain!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Looking Back….Looking Ahead

    Christmas at Mom and Dad's
    Christmas at Mom and Dad’s

    So here we are.

    2016 is slowly coming to a close.

    2017 is on the doorstep, patiently waiting.

    I decided a year or so ago that I would not do resolutions.  It’s just not me.  It sets me up to self sabotage my well thought out plans.

    This month has been hard mentally.  Deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of was a big thing.  Like taking out my mental garbage.  It’s surprising how much we can hold onto.  Some of it drags us down and some lifts us up.  This week I have been trying to take out my mental garbage.  That has not been an easy task.  I’m doing it.  I. Am. Doing. It.

    I am also thinking about the year ahead and what I want to do when it comes to running.  I won my registration to the BlueNose Marathon this year and I will be gearing up for the half marathon again.  My desire is that I finish it in under 2 hours 10 minutes, as that is my current personal best.

    I’d like to do a fall half marathon as well.  This means I REALLY need to train and run smart in 2017.  It also means I have to take care of myself mentally as well.  Not being on top of my illness and letting it take over my body can throw a big wrench into my plans.  Depression can shut your body down.  If you don’t pay attention it will show up as aches, pains and then injury.  Total body shut down means it hurts to move all the time:   getting out of bed, walking down the stairs, breathing, etc.  Not good.

    I have started weight lifting again (as I type this I have some major DOMS going on in my upper body, and the typing struggle is real, hahaha) and will make an effort to schedule in my yoga daily.  I bought new gloves for weights, a yoga strap (I had been using an old scarf), and a block (again, using something other than a block, read:  my travel foam roller) today to keep me in the groove.

    I am hoping that I can keep this train rolling into 2017 and focus on good food as fuel, proper hydration, and a smart plan when it comes to training.

    I will be thoroughly documenting my ups and downs this year.  My trials and tribulations 😉  Weekly posts will give you an idea where my body and brain are, I promise!

    My train derailed early last year, and I plan to keep it on the rails for 2017.

    I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season so far, and I wish you all the best for the New Year! xo

    @crazymamaruns

     

     

  • Cupping, Christmas, and Weights


    Yes, let’s talk about my back shall we?
    When I arrived at the Saint Mary’s University Lifemark location, my RMT asked me the usual questions:  How are things?  What have you been up to? What are we working on today?  Welllllll…
    December is a hard month.  More so for those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety.  The lack of sun is a mood crusher all on its own.  You add in the social events, the gift purchasing, and the cooking,  some sort of meltdown is inevitable.
    For me, everything needs to be perfect: the tree, the food, and the presents.  My need for everyone else to be happy trumps all.  Everything else goes out the door: the gym, my running, the things that keep me centered.  I know what it feels like to hit the bottom, so my desire to make sure that those around me have a great holiday is strong.
    This year my body got me through various races.  I was 2 minutes off my 1/2 marathon personal best in May (coming back from a knee injury, I was so happy!), I ran a 10km in the hottest weather I’ve ever run in (not my best, lol), I ran a 5km personal best, and I got through 2 calf strains (each leg).
    My RMT is amazing (so is my PT and Chiro) and has gotten me back on my feet more times than I can count.  When I told him my body was shutting down, he knew exactly what I meant.  I was tightly wound AND my right calf was still not 100%.  Also, my desire to sleep forever and eat all the food was starting to become an issue.
    He suggested cupping.  I am game to try new things, and I have had friends who had cupping done, so I said sure!
    Holy Hurt Batman.
    I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  It was a weird experience at first, but once I got used to the suction ‘zlurp’ noise and the feeling, I focused on my breathing and cursed when required 😉.  I could feel the release in my calf, and as he worked on my back, it was then I realized juuuust how tight I was.  Stress had my upper back all tied up.
    He took the above picture and had me look at it before he left the room.  I had an idea of what it might look like, but that is intense, lol.  Biggest hickies EVER.  Still tender today as write this post, but boy did I ever had a great sleep!
    He left me with post massage/cupping instructions and we discussed what I was going to do to get myself through December and prep for my half training in the new year: Weight training.  I felt great when I worked with a trainer and had a plan.  It will also prep my body for running.  I need this for my mental health as well.
    So until Crazy Mama starts to run, Crazy Mama’s gonna lift!
    For real.  Just watch me 🙂.
    @crazymamaruns
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  • The Things I Struggle With During Injury Recovery

    I’ve Been Absent

    Photo courtesy of Bitmoji 🙂

    I have found it hard to express everything I have been doing/feeling lately.

    It dawned on me that this is what I should right about.

    I haven’t been unable to run for a bit.  I injured my left calf when I attempted to bolt out of the apartment with my daughter’s lunch after she left early one Sunday morning for work and had left it on the floor.  That was before Thanksgiving (Canadian Thanksgiving, lol).  I have been in physio ever since, and was just cleared for fast walking.  I had my first DNS because of this injury, and I was not overly upset.

    At 44 I am more concerned about being able to continue my running journey into my retirement years than I am about running a race.  I was more bummed that I had just planned my reboot and was sidelined in an instant, lol.

    After fast walking, leg day!

    Needless to say that since the onset of this injury, the schlump has been around.  I think every injured runner goes through it.  Lethargic, doing other activities hardheartedly (even though you really should suck it up and get at it), and just being absolutely miserable.  I could not get myself out of “that place”.  I tried other things to get me out of the schlumps, but no go.

    It was like I was stuck in molasses.  When I talked about my racing stripes (physio tape) and where I was with this injury, I just wanted others to know I was in “that place”.  We all have been and will be. You’re cranky that you can’t run.  You don’t care about anyone else.  It’s very self centered really.  A selfish pity party.  I share my  pity parties because I think it’s important to let other runners know it’s okay to be in that frame of mind.  It’s human to feel that way.    I am not looking for anything, I just want to share the good and the bad.

    (It also wasn’t helping that we are entering into Fall/Winter darkness.  That makes me want to hibernate.  Arrive home – enter PJs – become one with chair.)

    I didn’t need inspirational quotes (we all know how much I LOVE those – see HERE). I didn’t need a motivational speech.  I didn’t want a “well it could be worse” blurb.

    I needed to figure it out on my own.

    Why On My Own?

    Because unless I am going down the rabbit hole, I am the only person who can kick myself in the ass.  I know what my motivators are.  If I can’t kick myself in the ass, then I know something bigger is looming, and I ask for help.

    Once I was able to start stretching and doing small amounts of activity, I started to feel better.

    Now that I can do full on “Leg Day” (without explosive movements, not there yet) and fast walking, I am more optimistic.

    I struggled with how to write this down without sounding like I was complaining.

    I struggled with how to lift myself out of the schlump.

    I struggled with how I was dealing with it.

    I am struggling with how to remained focused on making myself a stronger runner before my half marathon training in January.

    I Won’t Struggle For Long

    Because I know what needs to be done.  I just need to sit down and plan it.

    If I need to, I’ll ask for help.

    I will get over this schlumpy schlump, hopefully better prepared for the next one 😉

    @crazymamaruns

  • Race Recap: Maritime Race Weekend Sunset 5k and Sunrise 5k

    Arrrrrgghhh Matey!

     

    This was my first time running Maritime Race Weekend.
    It did NOT disappoint!
    I registered for the “Tartan Twosome” Challenge, which gave you entry into the Sunset 5k on Friday evening and your choice of race on Saturday (I opted for another 5k as the route is relatively flat).  This would give me an extra medal and some sweet swag!

    Sunset 5k

    So, since I worked on Friday, I hopped on the Ferry and took the Public Limo to Fisherman’s Cove in Eastern Passage which is the backdrop for this Pirate themed weekend 🙂  It consists of small “houses” which have local merchants selling their creations and restaurants to quiet your rumbling belly after walking (or running, lol) around the boardwalk.  It is the Start, and Finish Line for each race.
    I arrived early and checked my bag with a couple of the awesome volunteers. There are so many people that gave their time to make sure everything ran like clockwork.  (A HUGE shout out to all the volunteers who make Maritime Race Weekend happen!)
    Corrals were set up so that you could line up according to your finish time with a spot for the 5k walkers as well.
    There were Pirates everywhere (lots of runners ran in costume) and of course, music to match! 
    When we started out there was some congestion.  I ran with my friend Shannon for the first half, but when we got to the turnaround point, I got tied up in a kerfuffle of people and lost her.  I took a walk break to get back to a spot where I could run without running into anyone, lol.
    The views on this race are amazing.  I wish I had taken out my phone to take some photos, but I had forgotten my Garmin and my phone was my GPS (Strava) so I was trying to NOT look at it, lol.
    Once I got back to Fisherman’s Village and hit the corner before the Finish Line I kicked it into high gear.
    I PB’D MY 5K!!!!
    29:25 was my chip time.  Strava had me at 29:30.
    I was able to RING THE BELL 🙂
    Medal #1 – LOVE IT!

    It’s the PB/First Race Bell!
    Oh yeah I rang that PB Bell!  Eeeee!

    My friend Andrea gave me a lift home.  I had a hot bath, a quick snack and got ready for bed.  I had to race again the next morning!

    Sunrise 5k

    Saturday started at 5am.

    Good Morning Moon!

    In order to get half decent parking I had to leave at 6am.  Coffee, dry toast, gather gear (and yes, I remembered my Garmin, lol) and get out the door.
    It was chilly.  I wore my Badass Mother Runner shirt with a very light jacket.  (Thank you Another Mother Runner Store!)
    I met up with Andrea in the parking area we scoped out the night before as we sat in traffic on the way home, lol.  We hung out and had a quick snack before joining the throng of runners walking down to Fisherman‘s Cove.
    This is THE morning.  5k, 10k, half and full marathon.  We hit the porta potties right away and it was a good thing we did.  That lineup rivaled the corral lineup, lol.  We met up with another RunAtCan Twitter bud (Catherine) and had a little shake out run.
    We corralled and had a mini warm up (both races they had 3rd Degree Training do the warmup for the runners – thanks guys!) and waited for the race to start.
    And not to worry, the Pirates were out in full force on Saturday as well 🙂
    Did I say how beautiful this run is??
    It was congested getting out of the gate and for the first little bit, but we found a “spot” and kept that as much as we could.  Andrea was running the 10k, so we bid each other farewell as I hit the turn around point.   Now I had room to move 😉  I had an issue with my water (it would not slip back into the belt, lol) so I had to walk to get it rectified.
    I was able to wave at Tim on my way back (that is my first picture above, lol) and enjoyed the view as I came back into Fisherman’s Cove.  I kicked it and came in at 30:33!
    The Pirates gave me my second medal and my super awesome challenge medal!

    Yahooooooooooo!  Medals 2 and 3 🙂
    I met up with my friend Jill at the finish line.  She had her PB that morning!!  We are both running the BLT 5k in October (look out world!)

    Super Happy Jill and Amy!
    I got myself a bagel (from Izzy’s Bagels, soooo gooood), some trail mix, and waited for the rest of my friends to run in.  
    (There were quite a few of my RunAtCan and Twitter peeps running, it was great to see some of you!)
    The weather was amazing.  You could not have asked for a better weekend.
    Once “The Gang” made it in and got some food, we went and took the ticket off of our bibs and a got our post race beer!

    Part of The Gang, having beer, lol.
    All in all, this is one race I would definitely recommend for anyone looking to run here in Nova Scotia.  It was well run, the volunteers were amazing, and the atmosphere is fantastic!

    A girl with her Pirate Booty!

     @crazymamaruns
     
     
     
            

  • My Love/Hate Relationship with June

    The Month, Not a Person

    June:
    The month where summer starts.
    We (kind of) get warmer weather.
    Kids are gearing up for their summer vacation.
    Everything is in full bloom.
    June:
    The month I was diagnosed with a mental illness 5 years ago.
    The month I was lost.
    The month I broke down.

    Photo courtesy of the American Psychological Association

    Every year I mull this over.  Awful, right?
    Yes and no.
    I take time to try and remember the signs.  I want to remember so that I never forget.  Knowing the signs reminds me of how I felt before I broke down.  This is important.  If I remember then I know when I need help.
    That being said, there are times that I have a bad day.  As someone with a mental illness, I can say that I worry about that day becoming the next.  And so on.
    This is where Anxiety is a big jerk.  This is when I take some Ativan.

    But you’ve said in the past that movement is medicine.

    Yes, it is.
    But sometimes moving itself is a struggle.
    Every day is different and it is on the days I DON’T want to move that I struggle to move the most.  Getting out of bed, getting dressed are sometimes the biggest ones.
    Making sure I keep moving is why I have been signing up for more races.  Having a goal, a target, works best for me.  Keeps me moving forward.

    “The Plan” to keep moving.

    I have signed up to do Maritime Race Weekend in September to give me a month to work on my 5k pace after Epic Canadian 10k on Canada Day.
    Will be looking for an October/November Race of a smallish distance and will probably end off the year with the Resolution Run.
    After those races, I can plan for 2017.  No half in the spring though, lol.  Will save that for the fall.  Smaller distances so winter training isn’t so daunting 😉
    What does your race calendar look like until December?

    @crazymamaruns

     
     

  • When Anxiety Comes Knocking….

    You Put On Your Best Face

    Okay, maybe not THIS face, lol.

    Because we, the mentally ill, it’s what we do.  Until we can’t.

    Last week was bad for me.
    My anxiety was bad.  It started on Monday.
    I woke up with it, like the bottom fell out of my stomach.  There was no reason for it.  It’s just how I started the day.
    Then, for me, everything and everyone around me changes.  I feel like I am under the microscope.  Being examined.  Secretly criticized.
    I bury myself in work, and hope that I can just get through the day without an attack.  Most times, when I get home I am good.  Home is safe.  Home has no people (well, other than TeenThing, lol). 
    I am lucky to have drugs that I can take to calm the racing heartbeat and panic.  It was used a few times this week.

    After Wednesday I was better, and by Friday I was okay.  But on Friday, I crashed.  So tired.  Tired from keeping my head above water.  It’s exhausting fighting that battle every day, working, and being a mom.
    Why do I NOT say anything sometimes?  I don’t want to worry anyone.  Funny isn’t it.  I am worrying about others worrying about me.  Guess where THAT put my anxiety, DEFCON 1.  If what I was feeling lasted longer, I would have said something.  Sometimes, I am also tired of explaining what I can’t explain.  So I keep it to myself.  Sometimes, THAT is my coping mechanism.
    It’s not that I don’t want to share it with those that care about me, it’s that sometimes sharing it is overwhelming.  

    I am happy to say that I am feeling much better now.  Fitness works well for me as a way to create balance.  I was not as vigilant with it last week as I should have been.  Movement is medicine (thanks Clara Hughes!) and I needed more movement.

    One Month Away From The Half Marathon?

    Yes, one month away!

    I was discharged from physio last week (YAAAAAAY).

    I also switched my gym membership to a spot closer to home.  I have some major ass kicking to do.
    I did get out on the trails here last week, and that felt amazing.

    (I have my base laid down for my running, so I am lucky there.  This whole calf strain had me worried for a bit.)
    I am planning some HIIT classes, some spin, weight training and some pool time until Race Day to complement my running.  
    I am glad to be running with my BRF again.
    I have TeenThing to gym it with me.
    A new week ahead means a chance to start fresh.
    Time to Giv’r.

  • The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training – Week 2

    Still Alive!!

    Sore, and questioning everything, but STILL ALIVE.  lol

    Time to invest in trail shoes…
    I took one day off this week to get some stuff done to make sure I stay healthy on this journey to my first Half in FOREVER.  This ended up in my favour, as it was the day we had our rain to snow dump.
    This week had it’s challenges, as I truly thought I could keep my own pace without using the Garmin to keep me on track.
    WRONG.
    I was all over the place dammit.  Breathing heavy and plodding along like I had to race home because it was on fire.
    But I got my runs done, and learned to reset.

    Day 1 of Week 2

    I. WAS. FREEZING.
    I also learned where to start my runs so that I ended up close to home.  When you cool down, you COOL DOWN, lol.  (Hot baths/showers and hot chocolate after these runs were ESSENTIAL!)
    12.1 miles for this week.  A little off from the plan, but I am good with that.  This week is a steady 4 miles each day (today was 3 miles running with a 1 mile cool down to get used to the virtual pacer) Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
    I turned on the virtual pacer because I was going too fast for my “easy runs” – which right now is EVERY run.  I need to remember I am building mileage and endurance.  The pacer made a big difference today and I was able to tackle hills appropriately without having to walk most of the way.  Yay me!

    Day 2 was my shortest distance – so a run at lunch 🙂
    Third Run – Almost smooshed by a car….GAH.

    Fourth Run – Ran with Clayton Park Runners – Snowy as all get out!

    My Saturday run was done with a new group – Clayton Park Runners.  Small, but mighty 🙂  Since we were running on snowy (some not ploughed) sidewalks and trails we paced accordingly.
    Running this winter has made me really appreciate the sport that much more.  I am feeling it in muscles I have never felt it in before, lol.  Also, running UP snowy inclines…woooooo.  Doing yoga is making SUCH a difference as an add on to my training!
    (I am seriously investing in some trail shoes and warmer layers in the next while.  Increasing mileage will require an upgrade, lol.)
    So, I have to say I am more confident going into this week.
    C’mon back next weekend!  I can’t wait to share my progress with you 🙂

    @crazymamaruns