The Midlife Reframe

Category: mentalhealth

  • I’m Gonna Do It

    This Tuesday, I start training for a 15km race.

    I am running the Scotibank Bluenose 15km route in June.

    It’s been a staggered start in my running this year with illness and other issues. I will be glad to start a training plan.

    Glad, and extremely nervous.

    I know I can run this distance. I’ve run half marathons.

    My last half was riddled with pre-race injury. I’ve been proactive, and have been working on my glutes so I am not running with my calves.

    It’s worked, but those calf strains are sitting in the back of my head going “Hey, remember us?”

    I try and keep a forward focus. This is not always easy with my brain and how it’s wired, but I will try my hardest to keep looking forward.

    I will be running this race as one of many Worth Living Run Ambassadors (more on this at a later date) to bring awareness to mental illness.

    This won’t be my only race this year, but it will be my largest distance. I am going to mix up 5 and 10 kilometre distances the rest of the year.

    So, I’ll be spewing all kinds of nervous fun over the coming months.

    I’m apologizing in advance, hahahaha.

    Thanks for hanging in there with me!

  • A Chat With My Daughter

    Today I recorded a podcast with my daughter.

    We talked about her mental illness and her journey.

    She did great, and I was happy she was so willing to share that with me and so many others.

    As a parent, you always worry that you are doing things right. As a parent with mental illness, you second guess EVERYTHING you do. I am happy to say that I am pretty sure I raised a good egg.

    Now that she is doing better, she is more open to sharing her struggles. I am super proud of her for that.

    I hope you can take a few minutes out of your day to listen to our chat. It’s something I am very proud of!

  • Brains of a Feather

    We’ve had a rough couple of months.

    My Buggie was just not feeling herself, no matter what we tried.

    She was struggling a lot, and had a hard time getting out of bed. She physically hurt, and had no motivation (she loves to clean, for real, and she has not had the urge to clean anything).

    Getting her to go out has been a struggle. She would be so uncomfortable. Our outings were short ones.

    She became obsessed with her hamster habitat (she kept sending me pictures and ads for bigger ones) and I could not derail her.

    (We didn’t get a bigger habitat- this hamster lives a life of luxury in a huge bin.)

    Things were just not good all around.

    Thankfully, I was able to get her in to see the doctor today. She now has a new medication added to her regimen and we are hoping this works for her. If not, we need to try a whole new medication.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed. Watching her go through this has been hard.

    Having been there myself, I could relate, but I couldn’t fix it. There’s nothing worse than not being able to fix what’s wrong with your child, no matter how old they are.

    So for now, we wait, and see if this new combo works.

    Please let it work.

  • Life as a Depression Ninja

    Depression Ninja?

    Yes.

    I’ve talked about how great of an actress I am. 99% of the time, you would never know that I suffer from a mental illness.

    I’m good at hiding it, and it can take it’s toll. Not only on me, but on those around me.

    That 1% of the time when I cannot hide it can be intense. When I lash out, push people away, and hide, I am at the breaking point.

    It’s a hard thing to break, this hiding my illness thing. People don’t understand how I can be sick, and still function, laugh, and get out of bed.

    I have to function. I have a job. I have rent and bills. I have a daughter who also suffers from a mental illness. I have sometimes forced myself to function for survival.

    When I was first diagnosed with depression I couldn’t function. It was awful. I slept lots, everything hurt, and I felt completely hopeless.

    I fight to not get to that point every day.

    I am thankful for my meds. They have lifted me out of the deep.

    They haven’t “cured” my mental illness, but they have helped me to stay relatively stable.

    So if I am awful towards you, (and you haven’t done anything to me), it’s not because I am an awful person. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I need help.

    A gentle nudge to say “hey, you’re not acting like yourself”, can be just what I need to open up. Sometimes I just need an ear, or a shoulder.

    This illness doesn’t go away.

    I’m a Depression Ninja for life.

  • Speaking in Public: Oh My Nerves

    This year I have two speaking engagements.

    My first one is at the end of this month, at Podcamp Halifax (held at Dalhousie University) and the other in May at the Worth Living Mental Health Conference here in Halifax (at the Atlanica Hotel.

    I have spoken in public before, and was a bundle of anxiety.

    For me, the difference from then until now is that I have become extremely passionate about sharing my journey.

    I will be authentic.

    I will be genuine.

    No smoke screen.

    No masks.

    Just me.

    I am not sure how I will be received, but I am anxious and excited (anxcited, lol).

    The message is important to me.

    I hope that sharing it with a live audience makes a difference.

    If I can make the connection with the audience, then my goal will be achieved.

    It’s time to get real, in the public realm.

  • Rearranging My Room, The Head Cold, and Why is My Cat Being an Asshole?

    I decided (on Boxing Day) that I needed to rearrange my room.

    It is only the second time I’ve done this since living in this apartment because my room is an L shaped room. It stresses me out to rearrange it.

    I really wanted to move my stuff from one end to the other, but then I wouldn’t be able to open my door. Sigh.

    So, my bed is against a side wall, facing my windows. Not sure if this will last. But my brain wanted change, so this is it for now.

    (If I make it more than a month, I’ll consider it a win. My anxiety will determine juuuuust how long it stays that way.)

    Day after Boxing Day: wake up with boogerhead. Do some shopping. Get home and sit down. The plague arrives.

    Not really what I wanted, especially with the Resolution Run coming up on January 1st.

    I pretty much lived in bed with sinus meds on the 28th. Today (the 29th), I am out of bed and downstairs (woooooo). Still congested, but not dying!

    During all of this, my oldest cat (Nala, pictured above) decided to become a gigantic asshole and meow through the night…in my room…on my bed. Sometimes she just sits by my dresser and meows at the wall.

    I am thinking she may not like my room rearranging. (It’s better than thinking my room is haunted.)

    It hasn’t helped with me getting my rest, and when she’s had enough, she just saunters out at around 3am to go downstairs to her bed.

    She is old. Maybe she’s just being cranky to change. Maybe she’s trying to tell me I was wrong to change my room around. What does she know that I don’t?

    Maybe I need to take more meds and have a nap, lol.

    I am going to win this cold war, one nose blow at a time.

    Not sure about the Nala war. She may win that one, lol.

    Stay tuned to see if my brain decides to rearrange my room, again.

  • As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

    One thing that my medication doesn’t shake: my want to sleep, ALL THE TIME.

    My depression likes sleep. I love sleep.

    This depression sleep is a whole different beast. It doesn’t like it when I want to get up and do anything productive, like work or running.

    This sleep can be intoxicating to my brain. It wraps itself around it and keeps it cozy. It lies and says that we really don’t HAVE to get up. We can call in sick. We can keep sleeping. We can run later.

    When this sleep takes over, it makes it hard to peel myself out out of bed.

    Bed becomes a sanctuary.

    Mornings become hard. Not even my bed coffee helps.

    I become a zombie walking through molasses.

    I can get through my day. It just takes a little longer to get up to my regular energy level.

    I find the darker months harder. My brain is up for hibernation, and my body is very willing to agree.

    The struggle IS real, yo.

    While many people CAN get out of bed with no issues, I can’t. Also, there are folks who can’t get enough sleep (which is a whole other evil).

    Each person with a mental illness is fighting their own sleep battle.

    We’re all fighting the dark.

    I just need to find my daylight.

  • It’s Almost Winter

    Yes, I know in a lot of places there is snow and it’s cold (both here right now), but the calendar says: not yet.

    I both love and hate this time of year. I love the coziness of winter. The sweaters and blankets, the hot chocolate (and other toasty warm beverages), and the holidays.

    I am not a huge fan of the darkness this time of year. I find it drags me down. This is when I need to start making sure I get in physical activity so that I don’t get into a slump. It’s not as easy as it sounds, that last sentence. It’s hard. I just want to hibernate this time of year. But now, more than any other time, is when I need to kick my own ass and get it out the door as much as I can.

    I’ve signed up for the Resolution Run this year to keep me on top of myself, and of course there is the Solstice Run on the 21st (a run a good friend of mine has organized the past few years to #FightTheDark). I have a 15k race planned for June, and should try and get another distance in between those so I don’t loose momentum.

    Taking 2018 off of running races was both good and bad. Good for my body, and kind of good for my mind, but bad for my momentum, lol.

    I know that others find this time of year hard, for many reasons, and we all need to be mindful that not everyone can “get out of the funk”.

    So, please, try not to belittle someone’s feelings when they just aren’t “festive” during the holidays. They may be struggling just to make it through the day.

    The darkness can really be hard on those who suffer from mental illness, both during the holidays, and after.

    Let’s try and support each other as much as we can through this season.

  • Where My Depression Lives

    I know what you’re thinking.

    Amy, your depression lives in your brain.

    Yes, yes it does.

    But it is, at this very moment, living in my kitchen.

    It is also living in my bedroom.

    These two places are usually the most disorganized spots in my apartment.

    If it migrates to my dining room, I’m in a rut. I will eventually do a big clean and feel a bit better.

    My bedroom fluctuates. Clean/Disaster/Clean/Disaster. It ebbs and flows with my moods.

    It’s akin to my finger chewing with my anxiety.

    My depression needs somewhere to go. It shows itself like this: me surrounding myself with “stuff” to make me feel like I have a fort. I can stay in there and no one can “find” me. This isn’t good, but sometimes it is what it is.

    Another thing about my fort: it gets really hard cleaning it all up after I tear it down.

    Maybe I should just stick to the original blanket fort.

    Less messy, and easier to clean up.

  • I’m a Great Actress

    If you were to meet me without knowing me from social media, you would probably see me as a pretty happy, and fun, person.

    I am. I am a happy person with depression.

    I can hide my mental illness extremely well.

    Most people have no idea that I may be having a bad day.

    It’s not because I don’t want to share it. I just don’t want to place that burden on others.

    You can say otherwise to me for days. I see it as a burden.

    I am a military brat. We moved a lot. I learned to assess and adapt.

    So, every day, I assess and adapt.

    My medication doesn’t erase my depression and anxiety. It lessens the demeaning whispers, and the constant hourly battle with my brain.

    I still have not-so-good days, and I realize that I should be sharing them.

    It’s something I need to feel comfortable doing. It’s not as easy as people think.

    I’m working on it.

    Until then, the Actress will continue her job, and hide what I am uncomfortable sharing.