The Midlife Reframe

Category: depression

  • Why Not “Letting it Go” Is Okay

    Me….not letting go.

    [This post was inspired by a friend of mine.]

    I hear it all the time.  Goddammit I say it.  I say it knowing what is really going to happen in my head:  “Let it go.”

    Well, what if you CAN’T let it go?

    I bring this point of view from the ‘mental illness of me’ perspective:

    • Depression and anxiety are voices
    • Those voices whisper
    • Those voices WON’T let it go

    When the switch is flipped, it won’t turn off.  I can’t just let something go.  My brain will relive the words/a situation over and over, especially if it’s bad.  That shit feeds my brain like candy.

    Out of the blue I will relive a moment that is not memorable to anyone, but because I may  have said something that wasn’t necessarily good (in my brain), the movie of that moment plays out, and is unfortunately memorable TO ME.  Not in a good way

    This tends to happen right before I go to bed.  FUN.

    Although, I gotta say that I really enjoy it when it happens at work.  Then I feel totally stoooopid.  Makes for a great day of supreme self doubt.  EXTREME SARCASM FONT.

    My brain will release the vice grip every now and then and in that brief moment I can “let it go”.

    In reality, my brain is really going through the hit list of Amy’s Awkward Moments.  It resets my top 5 every week, choosing various memories from my early childhood, to something that happened yesterday.  I know this and have fully accepted the rotating hit list.

    So, if we could all try and use “let it go” a little less (unless you’re Elsa, and singing in a frozen castle), and try super awesome distraction methods instead, I think we could all avoid some pent up hostility.

    Okay?

    Okay.

    Thanks 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Update from the Land of Us

    Our Foggy Walk This Morning

    To say it’s been an easy few weeks would not be accurate.  With work and home, and the time leading into the holidays, it’s been freaking exhausting.  Not the physical type of exhaustion either, lol.

    TeenThing is my mental illness mirror…as in she is more anxiety than depression.  I’m pretty sure this means we balance each other out.  It’s a good thing we both have a sense of humour, because I am pretty sure that has been a major player in how we have been getting through the initial medication stage.  For example:  I had to wake her up early this morning, so I nudged her awake and danced in her room until she woke up.  Luckily she thinks I’m funny 😉

    Today was our doctor visit, and she increased TeenThing’s med dosage.  We should be able to see a difference in her anxiety within the next week or two.  She is doing much better and I am so happy she asked for help when she did.  Our doctor was very optimistic about her progress so far and for her treatment going forward.  It has definitely put my mind at ease.  She goes back in a month for another check in and then if all is well we should be good to go to move forward in her treatment.

    For now, we are now focusing on getting her sorted with work and getting through the busy holiday season.

    That being said, keep this in mind when you are frustrated and shopping/movie-ing/eating out over the next month:  There are a lot of kids out there working in the stores/theatres/eating establishments.  They don’t make the rules, or the prices, or the return/exchange policies.  They are just doing what they have been trained to do.  They are not trying to ruin your day.  Please don’t be jerks.

    I have been “unpacking” my compartmentalized boxes and working on me bit by bit. Something that is irritating and needs to stop is me chewing on the sides of my fingernails.  It’s gross I know, but that is my illness manifesting itself as a habit and I have to get a hold on it.

    In terms of physical fitness me:  I have a new glute program to follow and will be back to some yoga classes this week at the gym.  Any running I will be doing will be on the track, as I have some stretching and exercises to do prior to lacing up.  I am also going to get back on track with my weights, as that has been haphazard at best.  All of this will determine my race status going into 2019.

    I must say, opening up my 2018 to regaining my strength and mental clarity has given me more flexibility with my schedule and I am really looking forward to it.

    So, onward and upward!  It’s almost time to get Christmas-y 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Musings From a Mentally Ill Mother

    So.

    It is one week past TeenThing’s diagnosis.

    Into week 2 on her meds.

    So far nothing scary in the land of side effects.

    We are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays this way.

    I have been taking time to shuffle through the boxes I have compartmentalized, because let’s face it, if I don’t, this whole household will be scattered.

    A few things have gone on since our doctor’s visit this week.  One of them being some not so supportive opinions to TeenThing being on meds.

    Let’s be clear:

    • She will be 19 in a few days (and by the time most folks read this post).
    • She is a grown human and fully capable of saying no to something she doesn’t want.
    • This isn’t something we just “discovered” and said “Hey doc, how about some dope?” (which, by the way, is not given out like candy at Halloween), we have been on this journey for at least a couple of years now.  When we got rid of the birth control (she had some female issues) 95% of the her symptoms were still there.  FOR MONTHS.

    If she had a “regular” disease like cancer, would she be chastised for having chemotherapy? NO.

    Mental illness is AN ILLNESS. Depression and anxiety are not something you just GET OVER.  Treatment is required when you have tried to fix it yourself and can’t do it alone.  There is no shame in asking for help and receiving it.  It really is about time people start thinking this way.  I know EVERYONE is saying this now, but it is true, AND NOT HAPPENING.

    I am used to the stigma surrounding mental illness.  It’s sad that I am used to it.

    BUT….the other thing that has happened is this:

    On the way home tonight I made a decision.

    Not only will my place be a safe haven of blanket forts for both myself and TeenThing, it will be an amazing world where we can both talk about how weird and awesome we are.

    No judgement.

    Full on support for sharing all the dark and light times.

    A place where when I say “OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME.” and no one bats an eye or gets offended because I need my space.

    A place where TeenThing can camp out in her room all day and read, and watch YouTube, and recharge her batteries and not feel like she is isolating herself from the world, because this is just a small part of her world.

    I cannot tell you how comforting that little epiphany was.

    I was afraid I was going to go into a tailspin myself over the past little while.  But I didn’t.  All good on the Mama front for now.

    I think we’ll be okay.

    If anything, we aren’t going to be boring 😉

     

     

     

  • It’s My “Anniversary”!!! Sort of……

     

    So here we are.

    June.

    My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.

    I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons.  One being:  I have learned so much.  Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.

    I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).

    I know my limits.

    I know when to say no.

    I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.

    It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”.  You need to be in that space to put it out there.  I have no problem sharing my experiences.   Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice.  I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently.  I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”.  Because that does not help.  At all.  Shut down.

    Every person experiences this illness differently.  Copes with it differently.  Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.

    The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.

    This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.

    My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month.  Another shift in my time/space continuum.  Our dynamic will change again.  I have been mulling this over in my  head, probably more than I should, and even though  I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.

    I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉  She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay.  She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.

    I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11.  It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂

    So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!

    I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.

    One thing that won’t change:  Running 😉

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Races, Brain Melts, and the Return of the FitBit

     

    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let's hope I don't injure anything, lol.
    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let’s hope I don’t injure anything, lol.

    Okay,

    So over the holidays I decided that I seriously needed to keep moving this year.  Not just for my physical health, but for my mental health.  I sat and muddled about a fall half marathon.  I wanted something close to home (because I am without my own vehicle, and would need to acquire one for long distance travel) and fun.

    I ended up choosing the Half at Maritime Race Weekend.

    Here is the elevation for MRW Half :)
    Here is the elevation for MRW Half 🙂

    I did the Tartan Twosome there last year (5ks) and really enjoyed the atmosphere and all the goodies offered post race.  Also, the views in Eastern Passage are amazing!

    Also, I purchased a Believe Journal over the holidays.  SUPER EXCITED.

    Plan Amy, plan.
    Plan Amy, plan.

    I am ramping up to start training for the BlueNose Half Marathon shortly and have been writing in my journal daily.  I should be receiving my plan soon and am looking forward to getting back on the training train 😉

    You said Brain Melts?

    Oh yes, brain melts.

    Once I had registered and started to plan out my races, I had a brain melt.

    Then panic.

    What had I done?!?!?

    I am usually a one big race and then all the smaller distances to keep me moving.

    I did not get the kms in that I wanted my first week and by the weekend, it caught up with me:  work, life, running, KERSMASH.

    I had an anxiety moment.  A brain melting, bugs crawling on my skin, flight (not fight), moment.

    I’m good now, but it was yuck.

    And now, let’s talk about the FitBit.

    I Thought You Divorced Your FitBit?

    I did.

    We recently made up, for now.  I put my step goal down to 8,000 and joined a challenge.

    Results from first full week:  I can’t do challenges.  It still ramps up my brain and makes me super anxious.

    But I decided to still wear it.  If anything I can see my sleep patterns and make sure I do get up and move around (she says as she sits and types, lol).

    It gives me some motivation to be active, and see lovely sights such as this on my lunch hour:

    Halifax Waterfront
    Halifax Waterfront

    That is what’s been happening here in the land of Amy so far in 2017.  Come back around soon, as we get ready to document the Odyssey that is my life and how I am going to manage 2 Half Marathons and my brain!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Looking Back….Looking Ahead

    Christmas at Mom and Dad's
    Christmas at Mom and Dad’s

    So here we are.

    2016 is slowly coming to a close.

    2017 is on the doorstep, patiently waiting.

    I decided a year or so ago that I would not do resolutions.  It’s just not me.  It sets me up to self sabotage my well thought out plans.

    This month has been hard mentally.  Deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of was a big thing.  Like taking out my mental garbage.  It’s surprising how much we can hold onto.  Some of it drags us down and some lifts us up.  This week I have been trying to take out my mental garbage.  That has not been an easy task.  I’m doing it.  I. Am. Doing. It.

    I am also thinking about the year ahead and what I want to do when it comes to running.  I won my registration to the BlueNose Marathon this year and I will be gearing up for the half marathon again.  My desire is that I finish it in under 2 hours 10 minutes, as that is my current personal best.

    I’d like to do a fall half marathon as well.  This means I REALLY need to train and run smart in 2017.  It also means I have to take care of myself mentally as well.  Not being on top of my illness and letting it take over my body can throw a big wrench into my plans.  Depression can shut your body down.  If you don’t pay attention it will show up as aches, pains and then injury.  Total body shut down means it hurts to move all the time:   getting out of bed, walking down the stairs, breathing, etc.  Not good.

    I have started weight lifting again (as I type this I have some major DOMS going on in my upper body, and the typing struggle is real, hahaha) and will make an effort to schedule in my yoga daily.  I bought new gloves for weights, a yoga strap (I had been using an old scarf), and a block (again, using something other than a block, read:  my travel foam roller) today to keep me in the groove.

    I am hoping that I can keep this train rolling into 2017 and focus on good food as fuel, proper hydration, and a smart plan when it comes to training.

    I will be thoroughly documenting my ups and downs this year.  My trials and tribulations 😉  Weekly posts will give you an idea where my body and brain are, I promise!

    My train derailed early last year, and I plan to keep it on the rails for 2017.

    I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season so far, and I wish you all the best for the New Year! xo

    @crazymamaruns

     

     

  • Cupping, Christmas, and Weights


    Yes, let’s talk about my back shall we?
    When I arrived at the Saint Mary’s University Lifemark location, my RMT asked me the usual questions:  How are things?  What have you been up to? What are we working on today?  Welllllll…
    December is a hard month.  More so for those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety.  The lack of sun is a mood crusher all on its own.  You add in the social events, the gift purchasing, and the cooking,  some sort of meltdown is inevitable.
    For me, everything needs to be perfect: the tree, the food, and the presents.  My need for everyone else to be happy trumps all.  Everything else goes out the door: the gym, my running, the things that keep me centered.  I know what it feels like to hit the bottom, so my desire to make sure that those around me have a great holiday is strong.
    This year my body got me through various races.  I was 2 minutes off my 1/2 marathon personal best in May (coming back from a knee injury, I was so happy!), I ran a 10km in the hottest weather I’ve ever run in (not my best, lol), I ran a 5km personal best, and I got through 2 calf strains (each leg).
    My RMT is amazing (so is my PT and Chiro) and has gotten me back on my feet more times than I can count.  When I told him my body was shutting down, he knew exactly what I meant.  I was tightly wound AND my right calf was still not 100%.  Also, my desire to sleep forever and eat all the food was starting to become an issue.
    He suggested cupping.  I am game to try new things, and I have had friends who had cupping done, so I said sure!
    Holy Hurt Batman.
    I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  It was a weird experience at first, but once I got used to the suction ‘zlurp’ noise and the feeling, I focused on my breathing and cursed when required 😉.  I could feel the release in my calf, and as he worked on my back, it was then I realized juuuust how tight I was.  Stress had my upper back all tied up.
    He took the above picture and had me look at it before he left the room.  I had an idea of what it might look like, but that is intense, lol.  Biggest hickies EVER.  Still tender today as write this post, but boy did I ever had a great sleep!
    He left me with post massage/cupping instructions and we discussed what I was going to do to get myself through December and prep for my half training in the new year: Weight training.  I felt great when I worked with a trainer and had a plan.  It will also prep my body for running.  I need this for my mental health as well.
    So until Crazy Mama starts to run, Crazy Mama’s gonna lift!
    For real.  Just watch me 🙂.
    @crazymamaruns
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  • Confessions of a Social (Anxiety Filled) Introvert

    Sounds Funny Right?

    I love being out around people.

    Sometimes.

    I know that my mental illness contributes to my “I can’t people” moments.  I’ve learned that is just a part of who I am now, and that’s okay.

    I had a really bad anxiety filled “OMG I am going to be out in a group on the open water” moment Friday night.  This was right before my 2nd sea kayaking adventure at East Coast Outfitters on Saturday.  Now, I absolutely LOVE this activity.  Like LOVE LOVE.  But I had this “how can I get out if it” moment that I had to sit down and talk myself out of.

    It is always worth it in the end, going out and doing something I love.

     

    Happy Me.  I have awesome friends.

    The struggle is real.  REAL.  So, to show you the weirdness that is me, here are some of my confessions:

    1.  I get the heebie jeebies just about every morning on the bus.  Especially if it is full.  I have to listen to my meditation app, a podcast, or turn up my music and try to make myself small so no one is touching me. I only talk if it is necessary, like if the bus is on fire.
    2.  I love people watching, just sitting out amongst the everyday hustle and bustle, but being in a large crowd turns me into a flight risk on occasion.  The “world is closing in on me” feeling sneaks up and turns me into a panic stricken ball looking for the nearest way out.
    3.  I get excited to make plans with my friends to do something AWESOME.  About 4 to 24 hours after the fact, my brain hijacks my heart and starts to plan an escape route. 
    4.  I can work a party like a rockstar, once I’ve had time to analyze the room. If there are too many “in my face people”, I start to plan my stealth, ninja-like, exit.
    5.  I love being in crowds and meeting new people.  Depending on my level of social energy, you may get the low down of who I am and what I stand for, or you just get the Cole’s Notes version of me.
    6.  I may want to spend every weekend out and about, but that drains the fun out of me.  There are days I don’t leave the apartment, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  Silence and a reboot are what I need.

    In the right environment, I will flourish.  I just need to be with the right energy.

    So, if I seem a little “stand offish”, I’m not.  I’m just feeling you (and my surroundings) out.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Why I Will Sometimes Run Tech Free

    I Get Caught Up.

    In looking at my Garmin.
    Checking my pace.
    How much time has passed.
    How far I’ve gone (and sometimes I have not even hit 1km before I am looking down).
    When the anxiety kicks in I get caught up in things that are out of my control:  the weather, my body, etc.

    FitSnap works for my tech free post run pics 🙂
    I forget why I am out on the road.
    I get concerned with things that steer me away from what I love: that feeling you get when it’s just you and the road.  The early morning air.  The feeling of awareness.  Seeing things you may not see later on in the day.  Deer, muskrats, herons.
    Being able to work out your issues before you start work, look after your family, or just kick back and enjoy the day.
    Running tech free takes the expectation off of myself, I don’t log much in my apps or online.  To me it defeats the purpose.  I started out running as an addition to my workout routine and loved it.  When I can recapture that feeling, it charges me back up again.
    Then I remember Garmin/Strava/Social Media are tools, and not definitions of who I am as a runner.
    Let’s face it, I don’t want my most favourite tools to end up like my FitBit.
    @crazymamaruns  

  • My Love/Hate Relationship with June

    The Month, Not a Person

    June:
    The month where summer starts.
    We (kind of) get warmer weather.
    Kids are gearing up for their summer vacation.
    Everything is in full bloom.
    June:
    The month I was diagnosed with a mental illness 5 years ago.
    The month I was lost.
    The month I broke down.

    Photo courtesy of the American Psychological Association

    Every year I mull this over.  Awful, right?
    Yes and no.
    I take time to try and remember the signs.  I want to remember so that I never forget.  Knowing the signs reminds me of how I felt before I broke down.  This is important.  If I remember then I know when I need help.
    That being said, there are times that I have a bad day.  As someone with a mental illness, I can say that I worry about that day becoming the next.  And so on.
    This is where Anxiety is a big jerk.  This is when I take some Ativan.

    But you’ve said in the past that movement is medicine.

    Yes, it is.
    But sometimes moving itself is a struggle.
    Every day is different and it is on the days I DON’T want to move that I struggle to move the most.  Getting out of bed, getting dressed are sometimes the biggest ones.
    Making sure I keep moving is why I have been signing up for more races.  Having a goal, a target, works best for me.  Keeps me moving forward.

    “The Plan” to keep moving.

    I have signed up to do Maritime Race Weekend in September to give me a month to work on my 5k pace after Epic Canadian 10k on Canada Day.
    Will be looking for an October/November Race of a smallish distance and will probably end off the year with the Resolution Run.
    After those races, I can plan for 2017.  No half in the spring though, lol.  Will save that for the fall.  Smaller distances so winter training isn’t so daunting 😉
    What does your race calendar look like until December?

    @crazymamaruns