The Midlife Reframe

Category: depression

  • Total October Randomness

    Here we go!

     This is what I am doing right now….running while I can!

    I see the surgeon in 20 days.  So as long as it is not torrential downpour or hurricane force winds, I am going to try and get as much running time in as is humanly possible.

    I’m not going gangbusters mind you, but with the thought of being laid up for possibly 6-8 weeks and then recovery…well I am going to get it all in.

    Same with my yoga.  Home and at the studio.  I will practice every day!

    I want to be in great condition so I can kickass in recovery.

    The better shape I am in, the quicker my recovery time.

    And now…..other ramblings….

    So, as some of you know, I am a single mom.  This is both challenging and rewarding.  Challenging when the other parent is not involved, but rewarding because I see the awesome human I am raising on my own.  

    There have been times when I have doubted the job I am doing, just like every other parent.  Parenting is hard, period.  Even with both parents.  There are times you doubt every decision you make. 

    As parents, we are always hard on ourselves.  Harder than anyone else would be on US.  We keep our doubts and inner criticisms to ourselves.  No parent is perfect, no matter people may think or say.  We’ve all made mistakes and we learn from that.  We need to help each other out.  Give each other some pats on the back.  This is one hard gig!

    And then more randomness today because sometimes….

    I get the schlumpies.

    That’s what I call my bad days with depression.  The days I want to hibernate.  

    I find it gets worse when I don’t see the sun for more than 2 days.  

    No matter how much I run, how much I yoga, sometimes they just come along and pull the rug out from beneath me.

    Rude, yes.  I just find ways to get through them.  Whether it’s medidation, chocolate or some downtime with Netflix, I make it.  If it is really bad, I reach out, because sometimes the schlumpies leak out my eyes.

    In the end…

    I am still here.  Grateful for everything I have.  Grateful for everyone in my life.  Grateful for those who didn’t hang around.  I try to learn from every experience, good or bad.  There is a lesson in everything if you step back and look.

    Am I stubborn? Yes.  Will I make decisions that suck?  Yes.  But I get up the next day and start over.  Every day is a new beginning.  Yesterday is gone.  Put your feet on the ground and start over.

    It’s the best part, starting over.

    I’ve done it a lot.  You can too 🙂

    Sending out high fives and hugs!  We are all doing the best we can to get through this life.
     

     


  • When Life Gets in the Way….

    Like this past week.

     

    Yep, that was my look when last Tuesday hit.

     I’ve had an EVIL cold.  Not just a regular old head cold.  It is accompanied by this lovely hacking cough.

    And of course it’s that really random cough that happens at the most inappropriate times:  on a long bus ride, laying down, sitting up, during regular breathing, when you are trying to have a regular conversation…..you get the idea.  I sound like seal.

    I only wish I looked this cute!

    Fluids, rest, get what fitness I can in during my day, and rest some more.  This has been my agenda since last Tuesday.

    Now I know some folks would think…

    Hey fitness chick, sweat that puppy out!

    If it was a head cold and a week later, I would agree.  I would have been moving and grooving once the head cleared up.  A cough is a different story. Especially with running.  I need the lungs in good shape!! (even with my gimpy short runs right now) This has, of course put a stop to my hot yoga classes and any other group oriented fitness.  I don’t want to spread that love around.  Besides, I’d scare the living crap out of everyone in Savasana!!

    Since I am older, wiser and not AS stubborn

     

    I am taking the time I NEED to get better.  I am walking, I am moving and I am RESTING.  I am no good to anyone else, especially me, if I don’t take the time I need to get better.  

    That last statement goes for any situation that life throws at you.  Take the time YOU need to deal with it.  Not what anyone else (outside of the medical profession of course) tells you is the appropriate amount of time.  AND DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT EITHER!

    I remember when I was diagnosed with depression, asking the doc how long would it take for me to “feel better”.  She told me not to worry about “how long”.  Everyone is different.

    So, I am hoping my cough makes it exit and I can get back to it sooner rather than later.  If it gets worse, off to the doc.  If it doesn’t and disappears soon – all good.  Just have to patient, and take care of me 🙂




     

     

  • Contest Winner, Books, and A Confession….

    Runalicious has chosen their winner!

    And it was Jessica with the slogan “Chasing My Sanity” 🙂  Congrats Jessica!!

    The Ladies posted a teaser pic today:

    I love love love it!  AND….Runalicious is going to share the whole “how does this shirt thing happen” process with us!  Stay tuned to my blog for the awesomeness of shirt making!!  Thank you so much for this opportunity Runalicious!

    I’ve started reading running books…

    Photo: Bosu Burpees anyone? Starting tomorrow!!because my running is sketchy at best with this lovely condition I have.  So, I figured, let’s get a fix of running through the written word.  I am still attending yoga classes and walking with sporadic running, so I am maintaining fitness, and the Bosu Burpee Challenge is still going strong!

    [Today was 15 burpees.

    I did them.

    The Bosu gets kind of heavy after a while….that IS a good thing.  I tell myself that every extra burpee.]

    Anyway, back to books.

    On one of my last trips to Chapters, I wandered around aimlessly, looking for an actual book (My e reader is broken…I kind of inadvertently stepped on it while half asleep, because it had fallen on the floor.  I was reading in bed).

    While I was hunting down another title with my daughter and my mother, I came across Running with the Mind of Meditation by Sakyong Mipham.  It rang out to me and I had to have it. I am just about finished 🙂  It is an easy and enjoyable read.

    https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/RRc3EKfpIDA&source=uds

    I know some people are not “meditation” people, but for me and for some with a mental illness, meditation can be a way to bring ourselves BACK to ourselves.  To steady the mind.  To synchronize the mind and body.
     

    I am always learning and I love to read.  My next book will be the Hansons Half Marathon Method .  I have read a teaser, and can’t wait to get started!

    And now, my confession…

    For those who are here on a regular basis, you know that I have been battling depression/anxiety for a little over 3 years now.

    Sometimes, I get over confident, and think that I am “feeling better”.  When this happens, I kind of forget to take my medication every now and then.

    So, yeah, I did forget quite a few days last month.  After a good dose of whoopass from my mother, I am back on track.

    So if you are being treated and think you “may” be feeling better….check in with yourself.  Check in with your doctor.  Talk to someone you love and trust. They will tell you the truth, and kick you in the butt (in a good way). 

    Hope to see you back here soon.  Keep your eyes open for the next post!

     

     

  • A Deep One Today….

    I’ve skirted around it enough

    But with the loss of yet another public figure to mental illness I feel that I too should share my (shortened) story.  To let others know they are not alone, to hopefully inspire others to tell their story.

    Depression is real.

    It is not a weakness.  It is not “sadness”.

    Unless you experience a form of debilitating mental illness it is hard to explain how a person can get to the place where they can no longer hold themselves up.  It is not a selfish act, for they are not just thinking of themselves.

    Those of us with mental illness do not want to be a burden.  We do not want to be treated differently.  Sometimes we think asking for help is placing too much on those we love.  We don’t want to “drag them down” with us.  When it gets really dark, sometimes there is no light.

    As I have posted before, I was diagnosed a little over three years ago with depression (I also have it’s fraternal twin anxiety).  I had spiraled downward after switching jobs, the financial stress of doing so, and illness in my family.  Everything weighed me down like a brick.  Being a single mother and not having enough money to feed/shelter and clothe myself and my daughter was frustrating.  Having a sick father and not knowing what exactly was going on at the time was terrifying.  I could not bring myself out of what I thought was a funk.  My coping mechanisms were gone.  (I have often wondered how long I actually suffered, telling myself for years that the helpless times were “just a bad time” in my life.)

    I finally went and got help when I realized that I felt disconnected.  Like I was watching a VERY BAD MOVIE of my life.  The thought of going back into work paralyzed me.  I went to see my Dr. and when I sat down with her….I cried.  I felt absolutely hopeless.  I had no joy left in my life.

    Thankfully I have a great support system and a great Doctor.  With them, with medication, I was able to get off my knees.  I am back at the job I left prior to chasing another.  They know I am sick and they support me in any way they can.

    And I now realize….

    I am one of the lucky ones.  I finally let myself be sick with no excuses.  It’s been this long and I still struggle.  There are still days I don’t want to face the world, but with my new coping skills, I am able to do so most of the time.  I also speak out whenever I can.  Share my story whenever I can.

    So to those out there who feel like they may be slipping down the rabbit hole….it is okay to seek help.  It is okay to be sick.  You are NOT weak.  You are stronger than you realize.  It takes great courage to ask for help.  Talk to someone, anyone.  You are NOT a burden.  You are human.  You are important.  You matter.

  • Pushups, Packing and Where Did My Hair Go!!

    Having a supportive partner is great.

    Especially one who loves to share his love of fitness apps 🙂 We started using a push up app last week, and it’s great.  My arms, chest, core and back don’t think so, but, too bad!

    We are both waiting impatiently for the outcome of my MRI on Wednesday.  I miss working out with him and running with my bud K.

    The results will hopefully fly speedy like through the interweb to my specialist.  Because on Saturday, while just walking my niece in her stroller, my knee gave out….bad.  Like “can’t put my foot down and holy crap what will I do if I can’t walk home” bad.  But some elevation and ice…good to go.  I  dislike that uncertainty.

    My other super exciting fun thing this month has been packing.  Okay, big lie.  It’s not fun.  A necessary evil to get to my new place of awesome.  It’s coming along.  Bit by slooooooooooow bit.  Good news though, my new bedroom will have a space for me to set up a little serenity area 🙂  Yoga mat, super awesome fountain and chill.

    I did a total random thing on Friday.  Something that has caused many “WHOA” moments.  I cut my hair off.  Yep.  Snippedy Snip.  I’m not one who freaks out about it.  It grows back.  It’s hair.  But it has been quite a while since I’ve had it cut this short.  Feels liberating.  And it’s great for the heat 🙂

    Besides, it’s time to grow out this hair colour.  I’m not a real blonde. You’ll have to hang on over the next while to see what’s hiding underneath!

    Since we’re all here…

    Time for some irony.  Those of us who have a mental illness know that physical activity plays a big part in our recovery.  The ironic thing about my situation…I was working in the fitness industry when my world collapsed in on me.  Things happen for a reason at the weirdest times in our lives.  I continued to train with my trainer once I was put off of work.  I am so glad I did.  Even though my whole body had shut down, she got me through some tough shit.  It’s why I adore her to pieces and why I miss running with her.  Hopefully soon we can get back to our runs and our wonky jibber jabber.

    Signing off for tonight.  For those who run:  Run with your heart.  For those who are in their dark place and are uncertain:  There is a light in there, I promise.  For those who love us when we are in that dark place:  Thank you.       
       

  • Becoming Grounded…and Total Randomness

    With things being totally hectic over the past couple of months…

    I’ve found it hard to focus.  Especially with not being able to run  That was a form of meditation for me. 

    I have found other ways to get my fitness fix, with some prompting from the man in my life (we’ll call him Mr. Y) and I am grateful for that.  He is very patient with me as he is still getting to know my moods and my mental illness. 
     

    I have been doing meditation and yoga at home, as I have posted in the past.  But I have to say.  It has really made me pause the past couple of days and I am now trying to be more aware.  Of how I love the smell of my coffee in the morning.  How great smoothies taste.  How I have way too much “stuff”.  How I love my sneakers.  How comfortable I am in my running gear.  How much I love food – fruit, greek yoghurt, dried cranberries.  How grateful I am for my support system.  How much time I DON’T spend enjoying the silence around me…and I thought, “I’ve gotten caught up in stuff”.  Time to get grounded!

    This means more time to meditate, more yoga, a hunt for my mala beads (let them choose me), more fitness and more awareness.

    A yoga blog I love is Yoga Girl.  She shares a lot and I love it.  Her good times, bad times, her emotions.  It’s all laid bare.  She is non-apologetic about sharing her feelings and I think it ROCKS.  I mean, we’re not happy ALL the time…and I think that’s okay.

    I’ve also been reading other fitness blogs (i.e. Fit Grampa – a new blogger) and yoga blogs.  The blogging runners (some listed here on my page) I follow keep me excited about the prospect of running again, AND I am getting to learn of some really cool races outside of Nova Scotia.  Really looking forward to doing some of these!!  I also have a great twitter feed FULL of awesome supportive runners/bloggers (Bagtownblogtrotter, Michelle The Runner, Janet of jan.etc, and so many others!  To list them all….that’s another blog post…lol).  This is something I am really thankful for 🙂

    My mission for the rest of the summer is to not move so fast that I miss the things that make me HAPPY.  To enjoy what I can do now, knowing that eventually I will be able to lace up and run.  Because there are some that don’t have that luxury.
    ****As I finished editing this post ….I am happy to say that I have an MRI appointment!  I call tomorrow for details 😀      

  • Defeat Depression Day!!!

    Move for Mental Health

    So while my running tweeples and peoples were racing or attacking their long runs today, my daughter and I went to the local Defeat Depression Event 🙂

    This is a 1/3/5km run or walk.  Since I am gimpy, we walked.

    This event means alot to me, having the “fraternal twins” of mental illness (anxiety and depression). 

    The weather was 50/50, the threat of showers hanging over, but what a great group of people to walk around Downtown Halifax with! 


    Earlier this week I cycled with the man in my life.  Well he ran, I cycled 😉 

    We went around the beautiful Lake Banook in Dartmouth.  It has a run/bike train around it which is great.  It is also the home of many canoe clubs.  They also have the Dragon Boat Festival here every year!

    I caught this beautiful shot once we hit the other side of the Lake.  It felt great to be out and speedy…even if it was on two wheels.  lol

    I finally see the ortho specialist Wednesday morning and I can’t wait!!  I am surgical, of that I am certain.  So it’s just a matter of when and where.  I’ll go anywhere in this Province to get it done!

    Hoping to get out to the Public Gardens later for some relaxation and maybe some awesome pics 🙂

    Tonight is the regular #RunAtChat on Twitter.  Awesome runners and fun chats.  A good way to end a Sunday Night.

    Until next time….

  • It’s a Happy Friday the 13th! Random Post!

    I know that sounds weird….

    Especially if you are one that is a little superstitious (queue Stevie Wonder).

    Today I learned that my Ortho Specialist appointment is on the 25th 🙂  That is a little past two months since my injury.  I am super excited for this consult and look forward to moving on with my treatment!!  I have already started planning out my races for when I am better.  Because I’ll be able to run, which I miss, terribly.

    The past while has been hard with my depression/anxiety and finding new ways to work out.  Finding a new apartment, being super busy at work, making time for those I care about and making time for me, well, it has been a little draining.  I sleep a lot.  I find that some days the battle with my illness just drains me.  It’s hard to explain unless you’ve been in the situation I guess.

    In all of this, rescue kitty Jax has been settling in well.  She has met our other cat Nala and so far there has been minimal hissing and growling…..yay! lol

    The cats are a great stress reliever for me right now.  Having a rescue kitten is a great experience.

    So I am wondering what now….besides yoga, walking and strength training, are there any other suggestions from blogger peeps??

    (And yes, my bike is still broken, I need to remedy that and SOON)! 

  • Today is a Schlumpy Day

    A day where no matter what I do to make myself feel better…I still have the schlumps.

    I should have gone for a walk right now, but there are days that I just don’t have it in me.

    Like today.

    This is one of those moments that, for me, having depression/anxiety sets off some alarm bells.  Not because I think I am going to go “down the rabbit hole”, but because that is what the D/A combo does.  The panic switch is set and I can’t turn it off.

    THIS is when I miss running.  Even a bad run.  I should have gone for a walk…..BLARGH.

    If there are any of you out there that are experiencing the same thing….we all have these days.  Find an outlet…walk/run/bike/talk.  Even if you don’t want to…..take the first step.  It’ll make your day a little bit better 🙂

  • What Am I Doing With Myself Since I Can’t Run??

    The Itch That Can’t Be Scratched

    It’s not that I am not being active. I have a recumbent bike in my bedroom, a bosu ball, a swiss ball, hand weights, yoga mat, etc.

    It’s the fact that I cannot run.  My main outlet for stress, my time to think, my “me” time.  GONE.

    I have been meditating to keep my focus.  It is helping a lot.

    I have always been an avid reader.  Right now I am reading 12 Years A Slave.  I am a huge Stephen King fan as well (even though he has turned me against clowns FOREVER).  I crochet which helps me not eat myself into oblivion.

    Being a mom to a teen daughter keeps me busy as well.  And my day job totally keeps me busy!  But still, I CAN’T RUN.  No races, no training, no BLT runs, no swag, no camaraderie, no new running gear…

    So, to keep myself moving and raise awareness for a great cause, I am participating in the Defeat Depression Event next month.  Because physical fitness rocks!  I wonder if wearing my hydration belt would be out of line…. 😉

    Next blog post…Runners and their “stuff”!