The Midlife Reframe

Category: depression

  • When Anxiety Comes Knocking….

    You Put On Your Best Face

    Okay, maybe not THIS face, lol.

    Because we, the mentally ill, it’s what we do.  Until we can’t.

    Last week was bad for me.
    My anxiety was bad.  It started on Monday.
    I woke up with it, like the bottom fell out of my stomach.  There was no reason for it.  It’s just how I started the day.
    Then, for me, everything and everyone around me changes.  I feel like I am under the microscope.  Being examined.  Secretly criticized.
    I bury myself in work, and hope that I can just get through the day without an attack.  Most times, when I get home I am good.  Home is safe.  Home has no people (well, other than TeenThing, lol). 
    I am lucky to have drugs that I can take to calm the racing heartbeat and panic.  It was used a few times this week.

    After Wednesday I was better, and by Friday I was okay.  But on Friday, I crashed.  So tired.  Tired from keeping my head above water.  It’s exhausting fighting that battle every day, working, and being a mom.
    Why do I NOT say anything sometimes?  I don’t want to worry anyone.  Funny isn’t it.  I am worrying about others worrying about me.  Guess where THAT put my anxiety, DEFCON 1.  If what I was feeling lasted longer, I would have said something.  Sometimes, I am also tired of explaining what I can’t explain.  So I keep it to myself.  Sometimes, THAT is my coping mechanism.
    It’s not that I don’t want to share it with those that care about me, it’s that sometimes sharing it is overwhelming.  

    I am happy to say that I am feeling much better now.  Fitness works well for me as a way to create balance.  I was not as vigilant with it last week as I should have been.  Movement is medicine (thanks Clara Hughes!) and I needed more movement.

    One Month Away From The Half Marathon?

    Yes, one month away!

    I was discharged from physio last week (YAAAAAAY).

    I also switched my gym membership to a spot closer to home.  I have some major ass kicking to do.
    I did get out on the trails here last week, and that felt amazing.

    (I have my base laid down for my running, so I am lucky there.  This whole calf strain had me worried for a bit.)
    I am planning some HIIT classes, some spin, weight training and some pool time until Race Day to complement my running.  
    I am glad to be running with my BRF again.
    I have TeenThing to gym it with me.
    A new week ahead means a chance to start fresh.
    Time to Giv’r.

  • The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training – In Limbo

    Limbo looks like that…

    If you read my last post, you know my last run ended with a pull and some pain.
    Thankfully, I have not torn anything in my calf.  I have some tib post and some pulled muscles.
    My PT did an assessment, some ultrasound, dry needling and TENS with heat.  I was given home exercises and I have been sticking to them.  I was told NOT to stretch until Friday (this was on Wednesday) and when I did start, it was to be gentle stretching.
    No running.
    No running until I see her Tuesday.
    I know I’ll be fine for my training.  She assures me I am fine.
    But.

    (There is always a but, and you can’t tell me you didn’t see it coming.)


    I am very indifferent towards this situation.  I think I have to be.  If not, my depression and anxiety would be all up in my business.
    Don’t think it hasn’t been lurking.  It has.  I have just been keeping myself busy.  Core work, reading, crocheting, and meditation.  The less time I have to sit and think, the better.

    That is crucial for me.  The more time I have to think, the worse the situation will become (in my mind, anyway) and I will start to obsess over my calf and I would research the injury and think of all the ways I could get better faster, or how I could improve my stride.  THEN, well then I would think while I was running.  Overthink.  That is not why I run.  I run to clear my mind, not fire it up into overdrive.
    The one thing I have done is order compression sleeves.  I plan on wearing them during my runs.  A little proactive measure on the advice of an experienced marathoner 😉
    So, cross all available body parts that I am up and running again soon! 

    Anyone else injured out there?  If so, I hope you too are able to lace up and head out again in the very immediate future!




     

  • The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training – Week 4

    So Far, So Good….

    Week 4.  23 kms.
    I had some great runs this week.  It is also my last week with Mondays off.
    Saturday was a wash running wise.  It was a day of running errands and yoga.  I don’t beat myself up for days like those.  Especially this Saturday, because I FINALLY got fitted properly for sneakers.  Have to wait for them, but WOOHOOO!  Luke and his staff at Aerobics First are WONDERFUL.
    I keep reminding myself I am not an elite runner.
    I am a runner that has recovered from knee surgery, ran a 5k in the fall and said – Half Marathon!  FTW!
    I stick to my training plan as much as humanly possible, knowing the limits of my body.  Knowing when I need to back off and knowing when I can push it just that little bit over my threshold.

    Sunday was 5 miles with The Goonies!
    Tuesday saw me pull out 3 miles at lunch.

     

    I was able to get outside on Thursday at lunch – had a great run!

    Friday was COLD.  My phone stayed INSIDE for the 3 miles, lol.  These are my feet pre-run 😉

    I have to admit, I am finding it harder these days to get motivated.  This time of year can be hard.
    Depression and anxiety are like little “me” voices in my head.  One telling me “No big deal, you can run another time.  You’re not THAT great of a runner.  Won’t make a difference really.” and the other immediately contradicting that saying “If you DON’T run, you’ll stop and NEVER run again! You’ll fail and everyone will be disappointed.”
    This is partially why I try to run as much as I can outside.  I need the air, to see myself moving forward.  Hibernating in the winter is my first instinct.  Cover myself up and make the cocoon.
    So, even though I may NOT make the miles I need to on the days I run, I take the victory on the days I do.  I also take victories on the days I don’t make it to my training miles.  Why?  Because, I need to be proud of getting out there and DOING IT.
    I’ve said it before in a few posts:  Mental illness hurts.  It can shut your body down.  The more I move, the more I get outside and connect with the environment, the better off I am in the long run.
    I AM running for me after all.
    No one else.
    For MY voice to be heard.
    For MY health.
    For MY sanity.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Countdown to Half Marathon Training – Blue Nose Marathon 2016

    Nervous is an understatement…

    So nervous that I miscalculated the the beginning date of my training plan when putting it in my calendar.  Oops!
    I had myself starting on January 14th.  When I was finishing up the calendar entries I noticed that I was ending the week BEFORE the Blue Nose…..GAH!
    So, this week I will redo the plan and get an extra week in at the gym and do some running outside (after both storms pass this week – eeep!).

    More winter running….outside……this year!!

     

    But you’ve run this race before RIGHT?!?!

    Yeeeeeeessssssssssssss.  But it’s been 3 years.
    I know once I start a regular training plan I will be fine.  It’s the getting started part that is the problem, hahaha.
    This time around, I am following the Hansons Half Marathon Method.  It’s usually my legs that are the issue when I hit the last 5kms or so of a Half.  This plan will get me used to cumulative fatigue.  I am coupling this with strength training and yoga to round it out.
    I have already started my yoga and strength training.  At the end of a 7 Day Bad Yogi Challenge this week.  Also doing The Year of Yoga. Starting back to a regular yoga practice has really brought attention to how tight my body is.  OWIE!

    I have calculated my required food intake to start training at my current weight and will do some intense grocery shopping this week.  I will be logging some serious kms with this plan and need the fuel to keep this body pumping.  Look out Costco!
    So from now until May 22nd be prepared for “The Chronicles of Half Marathon Training” by Yours Truly!!!

  • My 100th Post! WHOA!

    I’ve been sitting on this one for a while….

    What should I write about?

    Should I do something different?

    Should I talk about what’s ahead?

    WHAT SHOULD I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO????

    Well, we’ll keep it real for one thing.

    Life has been crazy over the past while.  Work has been flat out.  Home has been busy with Christmas prep and making it a homemade Christmas (for a large part).

    Life is just getting in the way.  Stress is at an all time high and my mental illness is poking me with a long stick every now and then.

    I have been doing yoga, a run when I CAN get it in.  But not posting these as I haven’t been worrying about tech during my physical activities.

    I’ve mapped out my training plan for January.  Signed up for another race in May (Benny Bulldog 5km) and tossing the idea of a Maritime Race Weekend registration.

    2016??

    Well, as always, I had major plans for 2016, but shit happens and plans change.

    I have a teenager that will be graduating High School in 2017, so 2016 will be about planning for the “Grad Year”.  I can’t believe my little passenger will be graduating!  You blink and they’re all grown up.

    YTT will be put on the back burner, it’s just not in the cards.

    Buuuuuut, my running starts back in full force in January and I cannot wait to get back to training!

    I am just going to play next year by ear.  Which will be hard for me, because I am a planner, lol.

    Medication Free (well, daily medication free)…

    Since late February!  It was a rough go for a while, stepping down off the depression/anxiety medication, getting used to feeling everything again.  

    Then there was finding balance.

    Reassuring family that my cranky days were just that, cranky days.

    I am so much more aware now of what it feels like to go down the rabbit hole.
     
    Having something on an “as needed” basis for my anxiety has been a big help. There are times that the switch won’t shut off with my coping skills.

    It’s rare, but it does happen.

    What has changed this year?

    A LOT!

    My surgery, my recovery, my private life, my work life.

    I spoke at a Conference for the first time EVER!

    I learned to “Give Zero Fucks” (thank you MotherFumbler, much love!).

    Most of all, I learned that I actually love myself.  

    And I am pretty FRICKIN awesome!!

    So, THANK YOU!

    For staying.

    For reading.

    For sharing.

    Let’s ride out the rest of 2015 together and SMASH into 2016!!!!

    @crazymamaruns





     

      

  • And Then I Got Sick

    Yes, sick.

    Coming off my BlogJam high I went into work on Monday.
    It came and went with it’s usual routine.

    Then Tuesday.  Tuesday I woke up and felt like a slug.  Dragged my butt into work and made it through the day.

    What time did I get to bed?  8:35pm.
    Like a BOSS.
    Needless to say I was laid out Wednesday and Thursday with sinus pressure and total grossness.  No physical activity was had last week.

    The cats were checking in on me constantly.

    Time to re-evaluate…

    So, because I have a mental illness, there are times that my immune system is not at it’s best.  I mean, depression and anxiety = long term stress.  So the days leading up to my first speaking engagement, they were some super stressful days.  Exciting stress, but stress all the same.
    As I took care of myself those two days I was at home I started to think of my food, hydration, meditation and wondered if I needed something else to bolster my immune system so that I would not be as easy to infect.
    I decided to go back on a multivitamin.   A women’s multivitamin, because let’s face it, I am over 40 😉

    Now I know what some people think.

    You need to sweat that shit out.  Sweat out those germs.
    NO.
    Putting extra stress on my already weakened immune system?  Sorry, not an option.
    I learned a looooooong time ago, when TeenThing was a wee one, that pushing through being sick is not always a good thing.
    When she was just over a year old, I ended up in the hospital for a week.  My body was in shut down mode.  They had no idea what was wrong with me.  To this day, there is still no explanation as to what was wrong.  I was jaundiced, fatigued, and I hurt.  I was in isolation for the first few days.  They took 6 vials of blood every morning.  I saw so many different doctors and they wanted biopsies, yuck (which did not happen – yay).  Finally, I just started to feel better and was able to go home (in a raging snowstorm, but taxis were out and I was NOT staying in there any longer than I had to!).

    Lesson:  My life, my body, my child, are the most important things.  When you are sick, rest dammit. 

     

    And hey, getting better means apple picking baby!

     

    I’ve said it before, self care ROCKS.  Not only mental self care, but physical self care as well.  Being a person is hard these days.  We need to remember that just because the world is going a gazillion km per hour doesn’t mean WE have to keep that pace.
    So if you are sick, take care of yourself.  We have sick days for a reason.  Not using them is not going to win you any brownie points.  Same with exercise/training.  Taking a couple of days to rest is not going to set you back so far that you will suffer any major setback.
    Stay home.
    Get better.
    Then go and kick some ass.

     

     

  • BlogJam 2015, Ativan and How 8 1/2 x 11 Paper is Bad for Speaking Notes

    I Enjoyed Every Minute of BlogJam 2015!!

    Even though I wanted to vomit.  
    And not because I had a bug.
    My day started off early, as I was taking the Public Limo downtown.  This only runs every hour on Sunday.
    Once I arrived at the Ferry Terminal I was able to catch the amazing sunrise over the harbour 🙂

    After which I had to Periscope my Wake Up!
    I was early, so I grabbed my reusable coffee mug at work.  Because environment.
    My anxiety level was at a very low 10%.  Yay.
    On arrival, I was able to see the BlogJam Team in action.  They were awesome! Seeing them pull it all together before registration was kind of calming 😉
    One of my favourite parts.  MAKING MY OWN NAME TAG!!

     

    Sparkly 🙂

    I then fuelled up while I waited for my fellow bloggers to arrive.  I was so lucky to be able to spend the day with some of my favs!!

    Anxiety level was creeping up….like 25%.

    And Then it Began….

    KeyNote Speaker was Vicki Murphy (aka @MotherFumbler) who got the mood set with a down to earth, real, and HILARIOUS welcome.

    (GIRL CRUSH – I LOVE HER.)

    I was then on a mission to learn, all while attempting to silence the looming anti-voice inside my head.

    So off I went to follow the “be real” theme that ran through the 2nd floor of the Marriott Waterfront.
    (Some real:  I was slowly losing my shit.)
    I attended some awesome sessions.  I mean look at this.  It was so hard to chose!

    And then we eat.  You know, not long before MY presentation.

    Lunchtime arrived and every one broke off to eat.  I bought my lunch, so I grabbed my bag filled with chicken ceasar wrap awesomeness and took an Ativan.  Yep.  Medicated myself.
    Anxiety level….reaching 110%.  For real. 
    Luckily, after I scarfed my lunch down, I was able to hide behind Adam Purcell‘s table, where I charged my phone and tried NOT to vomit, while praying to the Ativan God to HURRY UP AND WORK ALREADY.

    I then removed myself from the area.  I could not attend a session before mine.  It was just NOT going to happen.
    I listened to some music and decided I NEEDED TO RUN.

    Yep.

    Took off my boots.


    I love these little boots 🙂

    I ran outside of the main presentation rooms.  For real.

    I did some downward dogs.  

    A few pushups.  

    And took a big deep breath.

    Anxiety level….CODE RED.

    But it was go time.

    And so I did it.

    I stood up in front of people and spoke.


    I had speaking notes, which was a printout of my bullet points.

    I can’t remember what I said, for the life of me, but I remember this:  that paper is big, maybe not in the paper world, but for someone who was killing paperclips by the millisecond, it was the largest paper I had ever seen.

    By this point, even with my friend Ativan, the voice of my mental illness was LOUD inside my head.  I was doubting every word that came out of my mouth.  
    That being said, I hope something got across to the absolutely wonderful folks who came and sat in on my session.  You were a wonderful group of people.  Some who I knew, and some I met that morning.  
    I kind of lost myself near the end, mostly because of THAT PAPER, but I did it.

    I survived the voices in my head.
    Also, I got some AWESOME JAM!!

    This jam ROCKS!

    What Did I Learn?

    BE REAL.  Above all else.

    We all have a voice.  Find it.  Write with it.

    Say yes, no matter what the outcome.

    Group Panel sessions are great to get different perspectives.

    If you get stuck when writing, it’s okay.  We all get stuck.

    Put yourself out there by taking chances.

    Bloggers are awesome people….and I am one of them.

    Thank you BlogJam 2015!  You let me step outside of my comfort zone.  I learned so much!

    See you next year 🙂



    @crazymamaruns







  • The Post Where We Catch Up!

    Because I’ve Been Busy…

    Busy at my 9-5ing. 
    Busy with family stuff.
    Busy helping TeenThing start her road to running 🙂

    Mom and TeenThing on her 2nd run!
    These feet were made for runnin’!

    Busy figuring everything out.
    I am on vacation this week and have spent the first part of this week keeping myself busy with appointments and crocheting (my sanity saver) and today I am taking time to rebuild home base.
    When you are sick with a mental illness, sometimes you need to sit back and reassess your coping skills.  Sometimes you develop habits that you think are your coping skills, but they’re not.  Mostly they are distractions.
    It’s hard to keep focused when the switch is flipped.  The one track mind that takes over is hard to derail.  It has a voice of it’s own.  An agenda of it’s own.
    Funny thing is, I know it’s happening.
    I can feel the cocoon that starts to wrap around me when my stress level rises. I fidget.  I need to do something with my hands…and not necessarily the task at hand.  I need to find an escape.  Something I can lose myself in.  Thankfully it isn’t drugs or alcohol.  It’s just plain old “what else can I be doing that isn’t what I really should be doing?”.  There are times I can pull back, and times that I can’t.

    But, you’re running.  Isn’t that helping?

    Yes.  Until I strained my calf.
    The intense NEED to run away from my stress, my illness……it was overwhelming.  I ran too much too fast.
    So much for running smart!  FACE PALM.
    *sigh*
    One of the good things about running with TeenThing is that she is keeping my pace and kilometres low.  This is allowing my calf to heal and is giving TeenThing a good start to this sport.  I love running with her.  She is doing great and knows when she can push herself and when she needs a break.

    Doesn’t all this unorganized chaos inside your head make it hard to keep moving forward?

    You are damn right it does.
    Some days I just want to sit down and cry, because I can’t get things straight.
    Some days my coping skills don’t help.  These are the days I want to escape.  But I can’t.  So I have to ride the roller coaster the best way I know how.  These are my hardest days.  Days that make me feel like I am treading water and someone has a hold of my feet. The days I do and say everything wrong.  The days that people look at me like “What the hell?”.  The days I can’t say “It is not a good day for me.”   Why can’t I say it?  Because people will see THAT always.  Not the focused, driven, has her shit together me.  They will always remember the chaotic, flustered, brain dead me.  The girl at the mall, or a store, that is trying desperately to GET OUT.  The thoughts, the people, the noise, all competing for space.  Space I do not have in my head.  Space that is taken up by all the negative energy that my mental illness manifests when I am not winning the daily fight.
    Days that I am not myself.
    Even with all of the talking, all of the wonderful people coming out and sharing their stories about their struggles, all of the focus on mental health, the campaigns, the awareness, there is still a stigma.  People that will still look at me different, not want to “upset” me.
    I don’t always feel comfortable saying I am having a bad day.  People hear “bad day” and associate it with “uh oh, is she having a breakdown?”.
    There is still so much more that needs to be done.  In the community, in the workplace, within media. More Mental Health First Aid needs to be rolled out.

    Why?  Can’t you just take meds or meditate?

    Sometimes meds just keep our heads above water.  They numb our feelings.  We need help on our bad days.  Not necessarily “hospital” help.  Just someone to say “Okay, let’s head out for a few minutes, grab a coffee, and tell me how you REALLY are.  Maybe we can figure something out.  Get you back on track.”  
    Sometimes this is all that is needed.
    I know we are all busy these days.  Deadlines, appointments, etc.  But sometimes, that 5-15 minutes can help someone.  Make them feel that they matter.  Make them feel that they are not going down the rabbit hole alone.  That there is someone there that cares.  Someone that sees what is underneath the chaos.  That will not focus on the “remember when you (insert a bad day here)”.
    NOTE: You can’t “fix” us.  We are the captain of this crazy train.  We know where the brakes are.  We just need to be guided.  We need to refocus.

    We are all human.

    We all have bad days.
    We all want to escape.
    We all want to be seen for who we really are.  Not what we “have”.
    So for now, I will rebuild home base.
    Run with TeenThing to build up our kilometre base.
    Set up future running dates with my BRF, because I miss her.
    Keep sharing my experiences when I can.  Keep the conversation going.
    Not all mental illness is “scary”.  
    A lot of us are just lost, confused, and need a hand to come out of the fog to lead us home.
    Don’t be afraid to be that hand.
    #crazymamaruns
     

     

     

  • The Post Where I Talk About the Balance Between "Putting it Out There" and "Keeping Things Private"

    Because Let’s Face It…

    If I told you ALL of my life, ya’ll would definitely run away and hide, lol.

    When I first started on this Blog journey (over a year ago, wow!), it was after some deliberation.  Wallowing in my “I can’t run because I am injured” state was NOT helping matters and I needed an outlet since I couldn’t run.
    I wanted to be vocal about my mental illness and how my running was (and will be, come August 1st) a big factor to keeping myself focused.
    My ex was a big part of the beginning of this blog.  He was an amazing support to me with respect to choosing a platform and encouraging me to write when I expressed a strong opinion about something during our conversations.  He is a part of why this blog is what it is today.  Thank you!

    But…. I thought you loved sharing your story?

    I do.
    The big part of being vocal about anything you have a passion for on Social Media is keeping a part of yourself for you.  Learning to not “overshare” is a big lesson.
    I think we all need to keep our own bubble of privacy for whatever WE decide to keep for ourselves.  If I were to share my very very very innermost thoughts and daily goings on, you’d be two things: scared of me AND annoyed, lol.  Being my brain is a hard job 😉

    And I do love my followers!

    I have met some amazing people on Social Media.  Through my blog, Twitter, Facebook, PodCamp.  I am very glad to call quite a few folks my friends.  
    The running community has been a large support for me as I work my way back to starting to run again.
    Connecting with other moms, especially the local crew, has been awesome.

    I also love that I have so many people who get my anxiety and depression on Social Media.  This is great when I have insomnia or just need to talk about the funk I am in.  
    Those who suffer along with me get it, and if we can lift each other up, I am all for it.  I think sometimes just knowing you are not the only one who is feeling or thinking a certain way can alleviate a little bit of the load off of the shoulders.
    Because I know that I have an amazing Social Media family that will support me in whatever way I need, I do my best to reciprocate if needed.

    Now that being said…

    I share what I can about my struggles with both mental illness, physical fitness, and being a mom.  I try to keep private what I want to keep private.  Because life is life.  Sometimes it sucks and I don’t want to share the sucky parts.
    So trust me when I say you are getting a large piece of me on Social Media.  I keep the yucky parts to myself, for everyone’s peace of mind, lol.

    I hope that you continue to share what you can with me, with the interwebs, with the Twitter-ers, the FaceBookers.  
    Because I think we have a great thing going here.

    xo

    #crazymamaruns









     

  • Strength Training, Sole Sisters Race, and Life in General

    And so it begins…

    My strength training has started back up.  My body is like…WHOA, what are this?
    I may have lifted a little too much this week, so I am going to have to rethink my upper body weights a little, lol.  Lower body weights are just right, and my legs feel good.  Getting some cardio in on the elliptical and rowing machine and working my core as well.

    Lunchtime workouts -> Stress relievers!!
    Having a gym in the office building is great!  It gets me away from my desk at lunch 😉

    And this weekend, we volunteered!

     

    This weekend was Sole Sisters Race.   This is a race I have yet to run, but after TeenThing and I volunteered yesterday, she is all up for running it with her mom next year! 
    It was a very wet, rainy and chilly day, but 3200 women came out to walk and/or run with their moms, sisters, daughters and friends for what was a sea of purple tutu awesomeness.
    Best part – the rain stopped before the race! 

    (Note: we had a bus debacle and got soaked walking to the event, lol)

    This tshirt is soooooo soft!

    Look at all these tutus!

    Thankfully the rain stopped!

    And the start line filled up FAST!

    Teen Thing and I working bag check!
    It was a great day and great turnout!  I also ran into one of my @RunAtCan peeps and took a group photo for her!  But…..we forgot to take a pic with each other, lol.
    They have added new distances for 2016.  If you are looking for a fun race to do with the ladies – check it out!!

    What else is shakin’?

    Well, I made it through the step down off my meds.  It was touch and go there for a while.  Some crappy stuff happened and I was able to deal with my newfound coping skills, so, all good!
    ** Not saying this is a “Woohoo my life will be med free” journey, because I am a realist, but for now I am okay.
    TeenThing has shown some interest in running, so since I am basically going to be starting over she is going to tag along 🙂  This is good, because it will keep me on a plan and not go bonkers when I lace up.
    So for now, that is what’s going down around here.

    My FitBit?

    I’m wearing it.  Not accepting any challenges.  Just seeing where it takes me.

    So tune in next week….I’ll be keeping you in the loop about all things #crazymamaruns!