The Midlife Reframe

Category: depression

  • Iā€™m a Fainter

    Last weekend I fainted while sitting in a pedicure chair.

    An ambulance was called.

    My daughter was a rockstar (which is good, because I now know she can navigate a situation like that without freaking).

    I was checked out by the paramedics, and then went to see a doctor who ordered some bloodwork.

    I had a medication check in today, and decided to tackle this first before the med discussion.

    All my bloodwork came back normal, and everything checks out with respect to my heart (no murmur, and my blood pressure was normal today).

    The diagnosis (after a lengthy discussion): I am prone to vasovagal attacks. My doctor said it’s nothing to worry about, and told me what I could do the next time I feel it coming on.

    Then we talked about how I was doing on the Abilify.

    We discussed how I was feeling, and decided that since this is working for me, she will keep me on it in addition to the Cipralex.

    So, a successful visit today. Now that I am sorted medication wise, I can schedule a visit when I need to.

    This is what I’ve been working towards.

    I will never be 100%, but I am a solid baseline of 85% for now and that works for me!

    (And no, I haven’t gone back for the pedicure, lol!)

    šŸ˜Š

  • Chewing The Skin Around My Nails

    Yes.

    I chew the skin around my fingernails.

    It’s a stress/anxiety solution to “getting rid” of my feelings.

    I will chew them, sometimes, until they bleed. Especially when my anxiety levels are high.

    My new meds have helped with the daily chewing. I am starting to slow my roll.

    I am now wearing fake nails to help stop this madness. If they stay on for a bit, and my fingers get better, I may consider gel nails at the salon.

    Anything to stop me from doing it. Anything to make me not feel ashamed about my hands.

    When I was a teenager they had stuff you could put around your nails that tasted bad so you would not chew your skin.

    I still chewed.

    Nail polish doesn’t stop me either.

    It’s not something I can “just stop”. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it hurts.

    It’s not noticeable unless you look really close. It’s really noticeable when I get out of the shower, or right after I do dishes. You can see my chew marks.

    UGH.

    For now, I am going to see how these nails pan out and hope for the best.

    I’ll let you know how it goes.

  • A New Beginning

    Some changes are coming.

    This is one of them.

    Crazy Mama Runs is now Screaming Into The Void.

    Many things have changed over this past year. It was time for the blog to have a new name.

    The site will get a redesign, but it will still be the same old me.

    I will still be running, still be fighting, and will always share my good and my bad.

    So stick around, there will be a lot to discuss and new things that will be launched in the coming months that I look forward to sharing with you šŸ™‚

    @scrmngin2thevoid

  • Clearing Out The Cobwebs

    There comes a time, when I am “better”, that I reevaluate a lot of things in my life: Why am I holding onto so many things? What purpose do they serve? Why am I holding onto this anger from 10 years ago?

    Lately, I have been pulling down those cobwebs that I have been looking at, but never do anything about.

    They aren’t making me happy.

    They aren’t supporting me in any way.

    They are taking up space that can be used by something that will make me happy and help me feel supported.

    I’ve changed a lot the past few years, and I am definitely NOT the woman I was 10 years ago.

    So it’s time to clean house.

    I need to make room for the good, so the next bad time in my life doesn’t feel so dark.

    #WorthLiving

  • Waiting to Come Out On The Other Side

    I am into week 2 of the booster (Abilify) for my anti-depressants.

    It’s been a bit of ride, but not necessarily a bad one.

    The first week: I was restless and I couldn’t sit still. I am still a bit restless, bit that is starting to subside.

    I also found it hard to get to sleep the first week, but that has remedied itself as well.

    After my initial post about taking Abilify, I panicked. I was certain everyone would Google the drug and think “Wow, she’s psychotic too?”

    Let’s be clear: my brain had me convinced of this. It almost made me believe that people would avoid me, stop talking to me, and no longer want to be my friend.

    I remember the pharmacist telling me to just keep taking the dose, even if I didn’t think it was working, and that after 2-4 weeks I would start to see a difference.

    Am I noticing ANY difference?

    I am. Sort of. It’s little things, but: I am starting to notice a slow decrease in my itching (yay!).

    Being patient is hard, but I am doing my best to give this time.

    If it gets me to where I need to be, it will be worth it šŸ™‚

    @crazymamaruns

  • A Booster for My Brain

    Today was my six week check in with my doc to see where my anxiety was at.

    We sat down and talked about how things were, and how the additional methods I have been using to keep my anxiety under control have not been working like they have in the past. My depression has gotten better, and I am able to navigate my days with more clarity.

    So, here’s the deal:

    I have been chewing the skin around my fingernails to the point where I have caused myself to bleed. The only thing that keeps that at bay is work (kind of, lol) and crocheting.

    I also talked about my itching. When my anxiety starts to get bad, I become extremely itchy and cannot stop scratching. When it first started, I though it was because of the extremely humid summer we were having, but it wasn’t consistent with the weather.

    I have (unfortunately) started taking random comments personally. Things that really (on a “normal” day) would not bother me, do, and I feel the need to react without taking a step back.

    Since things were not where we were hoping them to be, we discussed a booster for my Cipralex.

    Starting tomorrow, I start taking the lowest dose of Abilify.

    I am hoping for little to no side effects, but I am fully prepared either way.

    It should take a full two weeks for the Abilify to make a full impact on my brain.

    I go back for another doc visit in six weeks.

    Through all of this, my return to physical activity has been a rough go, so I am taking things easy and making a plan this weekend to start a regular schedule of exercise.

    That is where things sit now.

    I’ll continue to keep moving forward.

    Happy that my toolbox has expanded, and trying to keep positive that my brain will cooperate šŸ™‚

    @crazymamaruns

  • Is It Getting Easier?

    I can’t say it’s getting “easier”.

    Getting out of bed isn’t a struggle.

    I am starting to be more involved in the things I enjoy doing.

    I don’t feel as hopeless.

    I am still having issues with my anxiety.

    I had to buy a pill organizer thingie so I could look at it and see that I have taken my pill…10 minutes after I have taken it, because I can’t remember if I did take it, even though my watch reminds me to take it.

    So easier? No.

    Better? Yes.

    (I am still amazingly weird, so I have that going for me, lol.)

    I can talk to TeenThing now about how she is feeling and what she is struggling with, without feeling like I gave this to her.

    I had struggled with that for so long. Feeling like I was responsible for her mental illness.

    Photo thanks to Vicki Penny Photography

    Being medicated has given me some clarity when it comes to how I was not being present in my life, which means I was not present in hers.

    I am able to recognize that now, and I can manage things better without falling down the rabbit hole. I can face it without beating myself up and running away.

    I guess I can explain it like this: It’s a bubble wrap thing. I wrap myself up and take the hits, thinking I’ve given myself the correct armour, when all I’ve done is soften the blow a little bit.

    So, I guess the meds are my armour.

    I will still get dents, but I am better prepared for battle.

    @crazymamaruns

  • I Was Afraid

    So let’s just dive in.

    One of the things that I am afraid of, when I go on my medication, is that I am going to “lose myself”.

    It’s part of how my brain tries to trick me into thinking I don’t need the medication.

    In the back of mind I KNOW it won’t turn me into someone else, but there is that part of me, of my brain, that grasps tightly onto self preservation.

    It has taken me years to become comfortable with who I am, and who I have become. I don’t want to lose that.

    Since I was self aware of my mental health and it’s decline this time, I had to keep telling myself that the medication will not change who I AM, it is changing the chemicals in my brain so I can be myself.

    There is still a chance that I will require something else for my anxiety, and I am okay with that. That component of my illness is still a tad ramped. If I need to have a combination of medication, then so be it.

    There is NOTHING shameful about needing medication. I cannot express that enough.

    I am making sure I move. I am making sure I have human contact (outside of work). I am taking time for me.

    I am still weird.

    I am still awkward.

    I am still wickedly awesome.

    Rock on my fellow weirdos.

    Rock on.

    @crazymamaruns

  • If It Makes You Happy

    Hanging With My Peeps

    Here we are.

    One month in.

    I had my check in today with my doctor. We had a good sit down, and even though the tides are slowly turning, there are still some issues. One being: my anxiety is being a jerkwad.

    I go back again in six weeks. We may have to supplement my current prescription if my anxiety doesn’t come down enough.

    This is really good news for me. Starting to feel better this early in the game is a good thing!

    Moving forward is important. Looking back (or too far forward) can be an unpleasant thing for me, so I am trying to focus on each day as it comes.

    Each day I try and start fresh. Sometimes it’s hard, and I try not to complain, but as a human I know I will. So I try to forgive myself.

    One thing I am trying to not do: crush things that make people happy. It serves no purpose to put down something that makes someone happy. I may not like the same things as others, but it doesn’t mean I have to rip someone/something apart because it’s not my thing (except draggy pants because that shit is wrong and not attractive so pull your pants UP! …and criminal activity – jail/prison = NO).

    So, you want to take 500 pictures of yourself with your tongue sticking out? Do it.

    You want to eat Cheez Whiz and (insert whatever here)? Do it.

    You love playing Pokemon Go? Do it.

    You love Crossfit and want to profess your love for it daily? Do it.

    A person’s happiness should not be driven by what everyone else likes.

    DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

    [Like buying yet another Rae Dunn mug…even though you may have no room in your cupboards because it’s full of other Rae Dunn mugs šŸ˜€

    On that note, I better go find a spot for that new mug.]

    @crazymamaruns

  • On My Way

    Here we are: Week three on my meds, and now on vacation until after Canada Day Weekend.

    No more dizziness (YAY!), just some fatigue that will hopefully work itself out over the next little while.

    I am starting to become more present.

    There is less disassociation.

    I can see NOW that I really should have done this a while ago.

    Sometimes denial is a stronger drug. I don’t want my depression to consume my life. I want it to be anything BUT depression that is making me feel irritated, helpless, and useless.

    I know I have pushed a lot of people away inadvertently (and some on purpose, for my own mental health).

    I am thankful for those who stick around, even when I try to isolate myself, and to those who have kind words when I am not comfortable hearing them.

    Having someone be kind to me makes me nervous, and I will sometimes laugh or be sarcastic because I am uncomfortable. I don’t feel I deserve it.

    That’s what my brain does. It whispers: “You. Are. Not. Worthy. Of. Kindness.”

    I can make a list of things I have sabotaged because I was scared.

    But I can’t look back and brood. I need to unpack those “boxes” and move forward.

    I will slowly start getting back to the gym, and slowly get back to running.

    Each day is still unknown when it comes to my brain, but I’m on my way.

    @crazymamaruns