The Midlife Reframe

Category: runner

  • It’s Like Withdrawal

    Even With a Step Down Plan…

    It’s been a roller coaster ride.
    I had tweeted how ALIVE I felt on Monday.
    Alive.
    Maybe too much.
    Going from feeling pretty much level to the point of becoming numb to dealing with the influx of feelings has been hard.  My brain is trying to “rewire” itself after letting medication do it for so long.  Giving me the big WTF.
    Keeping things in focus has been a challenge.  Trying to remain on task has been hard.
    I want to laugh, cry, and punch someone.
    I know right?
    And yet, I am thankful for it.
    (I know what you are thinking – you’re THANKFUL for your mental illness?  THANKFUL for coming off the drugs and feeling overwhelmed?)

    Yes (I haven’t been to India, lol, but this song really sums things up).
    Because even with all the hard parts, I am now remembering how it feels to be passionate, engaged, hopeful.
    It’s a struggle, even on my best days.  Those around me probably often wonder “What the WHAT?” as I flounder through my day.  But they let me flounder, knowing that I will own up to my obsessive thinking and back up the bus if told.
    I am hoping to get an update on physio if there is an actual ETA on when I can run again so I have something to focus on and work towards.
    I try and pick small things daily to focus on, hence all my planks, lol.

     

    Keeping my core strong will come in handy big time when I get back to running.  Also with the yoga and workouts I am able to do right now I am keeping my upper body strength in check.

    Strong core and a strong upper body can help me push through even when my legs may not want to.

    They come in handy on hills!



    I am still real about it…

    Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that I am “healed”.  I know that there may be a chance that I will need help, that I may not be able to “do it all” on my own.

    My support system rocks, and I know at times they are overwhelmed as well.

    So, I want to say thank you to you.  Those of you who are with me every day.  Who work with me, live with me, hang out with me, and love me.

    Thank you as well to my online family.  You are there no matter what time of day I vent, even at 2:00am.  Advantages of Twitter, lol.

    To those who are still not sure about sharing their mental illness, know that you are not alone.  Those of us who speak out feel just like you do.
    Hang in there.
    I am 🙂

    #crazymamaruns

  • What The Heck Has Been Going On??? (Part 2)

    Wellll……

    What we woke up to during Storm #1
    This past week on the East Coast of Canada has not been ideal.  While other parts of the country have actually been having a transition into Spring, we have had THIS. Snow snow and more snow 😦

    After the Storm #1 (EC has the snow on the ground for this day at 34 cms) during Saturday evening/Sunday Morning, they were forecasting (at first) 5cms for Tuesday eve into Wednesday.
    My 4:30ish am shot on Wednesday.
    We woke up to SNOWMAGGEDON. 
    For those who are not aware, in February 2004 we had quite a blizzard, which was dubbed “White Juan”.  It was given this name because on September 29, 2003, Halifax was hit with Hurricane Juan.  (The name Juan was retired after this storm)
    I was living here during both storms.  Both powerful, both causing damage and states of emergency.
    So when I looked out my window on Wednesday morning, I was not hopeful that it would be ending any time soon.

     

    So much for 5cms…which was then upgraded to 30cms, and then….this.

    And it didn’t.  It snowed….ALL DAY…..and into the evening.  My office was closed, Halifax was basically shut down.


    And yes, we actually ventured out…

    My brother had graduated from the Military Policy Academy earlier this month and came home to move his family to CFB Suffield.
    They were in a hotel not far from us.
    We had ventured down later in the evening (to say our goodbyes) on roads that used to be two lanes, but were cut down to one.
    You could not really get down my street, although cabin fever got to some folks and they braved the elements.

    The bite-y snow
    It was not easy getting around and the snow seemed to be coming from every direction.
    I ventured out once earlier in the day to see what was going on.  I made it to the end of my road and turned around.
    It was very bite-y.
      
    To get to my brother and his family, my daughter and I had to get to the main road to be picked up by my parents.

    We encountered a dad with his two littles who were out (mostly for dad’s sanity I am sure…).  And then a truck came up the main road and stopped.  Not sure if he was just stuck, tired or maybe waiting to turn around in disgust.


    The Main Road – inbetween wind gusts.
    As we said our goodbyes, the storm raged on.
    We left the hotel just before it got too dark.  And the travelling was just as crappy.
    People were driving like jerks and the weather was getting to everyone.  We hunkered down for the rest of the evening and waited for an announcement on Halifax Transit for Thursday (they cancelled all services on Wednesday).

    My Street Wednesday Evening…
    My office was closed again Thursday.  Halifax Transit delayed service as the main garage was unstable (the snow on the roof causing some issues) and only provided the basic service from 3pm on.
    Luckily, my physiotherapy office is just down the road from my place.  My Wednesday appointment had been cancelled, so I went in on Thursday morning.
    Those drifts on Thursday morning – twice my height. 

     

    And then, another yucky mess

    We had another gross “weather event” last night.  This did bring some rain, but then it snowed.

    This morning…with the mocking sun behind the clouds…sigh.
    Not like our last two storms, but still, I think we are all tired now.
    Some folks here have shovelled out their own streets, sidewalks and roofs.  There are still sidewalks by my place that we may not see until June (yes, that is sarcasm, lol).
    Some building roofs collapsing under the heavy snow.  Some retailers have been closed for the past couple of days because of the structural concern.

    The wind howls outside today.
    And March Break is over.
    I am wondering what tomorrow will bring, as Friday was not an ideal commute to OR from the office.  A lot of kids will be walking on the street (as us adults were last week).  Being a pedestrian is a little dangerous right now.
    So, if anyone is hiring legal staff in Belize, let me know.  I’d be willing to seriously consider it 😉

    #crazymamaruns

     

     

  • What The Heck Has Been Going On??? (Part 1)

    Well, quite a bit.


    I am full on into physio and progressing.  Which is good, it is keeping me focused!

    My after physio face:

    Back to work and feeling good now that I am using my brain again (high fives all around).


    BUT…..

    Yep, there is a but.

    I have been experiencing some discontinuation symptoms from my step down off the meds.  Today is the first day since we started the plan that I have no nausea, dizziness or confusion.  I have also been getting tongue tied, experiencing some lethargy and fatigue.

    It hasn’t been a fun ride.  But neither was the fall down the rabbit hole.

    I’ve been on these meds for 4 years.  I was becoming numb though.  Not really “feeling”.  Just existing.

    It feels, in some ways, like an eternity.

    Like a really long movie.

    I carry every experience with me and have learned so much.  About myself, my coping skills, my feelings.

    I am an “obsessive thinker”. If I feel like I have done something wrong, or feel like I am under attack, my brain goes into overdrive.  Fight or flight ramps up and it could go either way.

    I have been using meditation as a coping skill.  To centre and focus so I can reign in those thoughts, feelings, and calm the fight or flight instinct.

    I own everything.  Every mistake, every feeling.

    And Now….Now I Start Taking it Back

    My power.

    My mental health.

    My physical health.

    I am very impatient.  My urge to run is very strong.

    But with surgery and now early arthritis medial compartment (where the OCD was in my femur) I have to be smarter.  More efficient.  And patient.

    I ask all kinds of questions.  I love learning.

    And So, I Start Over

    Back to Basics.

    Rebuild my strength while following the instructions from my physiotherapist.



    I will be patient.


    I will work hard.

    And I will try not to cry about our recent snowmaggedon in Halifax, NS

    Why did I use “snowmaggedon”?

    You’ll have to wait for Part 2 😉

    In the meantime, my #FightForHappy has ramped back up!


    #crazymamaruns

  • Manitoba Harvest Hemp Heart Review AND Giveaway!!!!

    Hemp Heart Awesomeness and GIVEAWAY!

    Here we go my fit friends.

    I am a lover of food, those of you who follow me know that (well, food and coffee!!).

    I was asked to do a hemp heart review with Manitoba Harvest 🙂

    What ARE hemp hearts??

    Well, hemp is a species of Cannabis sativa. Hemp is NOT the same as marijuana. Hemp hearts are the raw shelled hemp seed.

    From their website:

    • Great tasting – Hemp Hearts have a slightly nutty taste, similar to a sunflower seed or pine nut.
    • Easy to use – Simply sprinkle Hemp Hearts on salad, cereal & yogurt, add to smoothies and recipes, or eat them straight from the package!
    • Nutritious – per 30 gram serving, Hemp Hearts contain 10 grams of plant-based protein and 10 grams of Omegas.
    • Hemp Hearts have more protein and omegas and less carbs than the same serving of chia or flax.
    Getting down to business!

    I am a lover of greek yogurt.  So much so that regular yogurt holds no place in my heart…lol.  So, hemp hearts in hand, and after my trip to Costco for my fruits and veggies, I began.

    Yes, there is yogurt here 🙂

    I am telling you, these little babies really added a little something more to my greek yogurt and berries!  The nutty taste is NOT overwhelming at all.  It rounded out the taste and was DELICIOUS!

    I also put them in my smoothies – just a tablespoon was good for me. 

    These hemp hearts are SO versatile.  I used them on my salads, and really really loved them with pineapple.  I do enjoy them more than flax seed as I find they don’t get stuck in my back teeth 😉  They would be great for those folks who may not be a fan of chia.  I love chia seeds, but they have a certain texture that some people are not a fan of.

     

    On Pineapple – OMG!

    I loved these so much I went a purchase a larger bag from Costco.  I will be putting these in some No Bake Energy Bites in place of the chia seeds.

    So….who wants to try these?  Manitoba Harvest is kind enough to let me give away a package to one of my lucky readers!!!

    To win some of these little yummy guys – enter below!

    a Rafflecopter giveaway//widget-prime.rafflecopter.com/launch.js
    Good Luck!

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • Knee Surgery BABY!!!!!

    Yes, I Have a Surgery Date!

    Relief is in sight!!  Happy Dance all around!

    When I arrived home last evening after getting the new hairs (check out my FaceBook Page for pics!) I checked my voicemail.

    *Insert Angelic Music Here*

    There was a message from the Surgeon’s Assistant telling me off I go for surgery on February 18th.

    Happy is just one word I can use.  Nervous and excited for sure!  All depending on what the CT Scan shows and what he sees when he gets in there – there MAY be a bone graft for my femur.  Crossing my fingers that this is not the case and he can just screw the hangy piece back in and work on the dead fractured area.

    What does this mean?

    Well, we are looking at a 6-8 week recovery where I can not have any weight on my leg AT ALL (unless I am doing well, and may be able to put weight on my toes after a few weeks).  Then physio and check ups.  Not sure of the full recovery time yet, but it would be wonderful to run in the late summer early fall.  Just recreational at first, but man, I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!

    So NOW

    I begin my crazy Virgo induced worrying and preparing for the worst, lol.  My V and I will get the apartment in order (two level two bedroom = stairs) so I will be able to survive the first little bit without moving too much.

    And then meal planning and prepping after that.  V will be able to help out big time since she’s 16, but to have simple, fast things to pull out and heat up would be great, and some slow cooker stuff frozen so she can dump it in before she heads to school.

    All that being said, I know I have some great resources at my hands – YOU!

    • What are some quick and easy freezer meals?
    • Any sites you would recommend for easy recipies?
    • Any injury experiences you would like to share?

    Feel free to comment below – I love getting feedback!

    #crazymamaruns

     

  • And I am CLOSER to my Surgery!

    I never thought this day would come!

    This April will have been one full year since my slip in the Dominican and this journey began!

    What started out as a possible meniscus tear was discovered to be an actual joint condition that I’ve had since I was a teenager!

    Osteochondritis Dissecans

    So, since the knee has been getting progressively worse over the past couple of weeks, I went back into the surgeon last Friday.
     
    He asked me some questions about my activity (“You’re doing no sports….RIGHT?”) and manipulated my knee.

    We discussed the options:  If the piece that was still in there hanging on was still, in fact, hanging on, there will be a screw put through that to save it and stimulate healing.  

    As for the piece(s) still floating around, they will be removed.  All depending on whether or not the CarGel is available, there will probably be some microfracturing as to regenerate the bone and cartilage.

    IF the piece hanging on for dear life is NOT able to be screwed in – the words “bone graft” were spoken.

    FUN TIMES!

    So I sit now and wait for the phone call to come this week telling me my actual surgery date.

    I am in good hands, but, I am nervous, excited and vomit-like all at the same time.

    And then I remember, in the not too distant future, I CAN RUN!

    Stay tuned for further updates in the Knee Chronicles!

    #crazymamaruns

  • This Year I Give Myself Permission….

    To Write About It All….

    The good stuff, the frustrating stuff, the goofy stuff, you get it 😉

    Everything.

    It’s a big part of why I started this blog after all.

    Pic from http://www.snoopy.com

    And So….

    It may seem trivial….but I am back to chewing the skin off around my fingernails.

    Gross right?

    Damn straight it is.  But this is how my nervous energy manifests.  My frustration, anxiety, stress, etc., boils up and I can’t help it.  My fingers look disgusting right now.  So I have to stop it.  More meditation?  Maybe acupuncture?

    All I know is.  I have to stop it!  GAH!

    And Then…

    One of the ways I cope with my depression/anxiety is through humour.  I call myself crazy, make jokes with family and friends.

    Some folks may be offended by that.  And if I have offended anyone, I am truly sorry.  But it’s my coping mechanism and I find it helps.  Because sometimes underneath that laughter, I am breaking apart inside.  Laughing helps me.

    It helps me help others.  Let’s them see that they too can function, even on the bad days.  And then I remind myself that those that love you, they just want to help you, to love you, to hold your hand and tell you it will be okay.  So they will laugh with you, cry with you and hang out in your nest when you don’t want to leave.

    So, I’ll keep talking about it, keep calling myself crazy and keep laughing.

    I am also

    Keeping myself open.  It’s my Mantra for 2015.  I AM OPEN.

    I am going to slow down a bit more (not like slothy slow down) and notice more.  We rush rush rush.  Wear ourselves down.  Forget to stop and SEE things.  We scan and move on.

    And so I hope

    That you will continue to come along on my journey this year.  It’s going to be an interesting one for sure!

    Interesting:  I joined Earthathon!  #teamhumanrace  (this is a virtual relay race around the globe and results are tweeted daily)

    I can’t run, but I can walk.  So it motivates me, along with my FitBit, to keep mobile.

    What do you give yourself permission for this year?

    What is YOUR disgusting habit/coping skill?  We all have one!

    What is something that motivates you?

    #crazymamaruns   

  • Christmas Vacation Check In

    Okay, Are You Ready??

     I will do a pic post today 😉

    Christmas Eve – Spotted Christmas Car
    Candied Bacon on my cupcake after Turkey Dinner #3
    Christmas Day – My “Greg” was good to me! xo
    Christmas Day with Auntie – Turkey Dinner #4
    I now scare my kitties with my Yeti Feet I got for Christmas 🙂

    I logged 13,800 steps yesterday with my FitBit Flex, and I am loving it!  Not being able to run until surgery in the New Year had me bummed, but my FitBit has movitated me to kick butt!

    I hope you are enjoying your Christmas! And yes, I am totally doing a FitBit Blog Post in the near future!!!

    #crazymamaruns

  • Year End Round Up!

    Well, we’re almost there.

    The end of another year.  Sitting back and reflecting on what has gone by and what we will be working towards in 2015.

    Getting close to Christmas always make me reflect and think about the time I get to spend with my family and friends.  They have supported me through so much over the past while and I love them so much.  I am looking forward to spending some much deserved time with them over the holidays 🙂

    Over the past year I have noticed so much.  I am beginning to think it’s because I am over 40 now, lol.

    So, what’s going on with me fitness wise?

    With my surgery date up in the air, it is hard for me to forge ahead with races and registrations, as it could be late 2015 before I am able to run again.

    A lot of my time has been moving towards yoga with light cardio and starting back up with weight training.  Keeping up with my fitness will ensure a better recovery after surgery.

    What have I been thinking about?

    Having a mental illness has made me sit down and think of the ways I can cope better now that the “dark times” have descended on us weather wise, and to use those skills throughout the year.  Fitness has always served me well, and this year I have added steady meditation to the mix.  This has certainly helped, but I still need to realize that I will have bad days and not beat myself up over them.  There will be days I will just want to live in my nest, and that’s okay.

    A big “thing” for me is sleep.  Sleep is very important.  For both physical and mental health.  I have been tracking my sleep for the past 16 weeks. My average sleep efficiency has been 93% over those past weeks.  I am finding this a great tool.

      

    Last night wasn’t super – but yay deep sleep!


    And hey, thanks for coming along with me so far!!

    Starting this blog has been an adventure and something I am very proud of.  (With the craziness and chaos of life, I am able to say that I now learned that writing and scheduling my posts are the way to go!!)  I have “met” some fantastic people and looking forward to what the New Year brings for myself and for the blog 🙂 

    You knew there had to be a badass drawing! 😉

    What’s on for 2015?

    As I look ahead, I am hoping to share more with you about my journey with surgery, recovery and my plans to become a Certified Yoga Teacher in 2016!  Adding yoga to my fitness regime has been a blessing.  It has allowed me to slow down, learn to breathe, and brought some peace to my hectic life.  To share this with others would be awesome.

    I will still be me….you won’t see anything different here on the blog, other than some cooooooool super awesome pics like THIS!

    I look awesome-er in X-Ray vision!!

    So.

    To sign off for my last MAJOR blog post of 2014 (because there will be the small random super fun holiday posts!) I wish everyone the most happiest of the Season.  Spend time with those you love.  Hug them.  Enjoy them 🙂


     #crazymamaruns


  • What I thought of the 30 Day Yoga Challenge!

    Kickin it with Erin Motz!

    So now that I have some time to breathe and reflect, here it is!

    When I was told not to run until my surgery, I was feeling kind of down.  I  knew I had to keep moving somehow!

    I hopped on the interwebs and searched diligently.

    It was then that I saw Erin Motz’s 30 Day Yoga Challenge.  It said “Hey, pick me!”

    Every morning I would roll out of my bed and fling out my mat.  Erin was happy and real.

    Because I have an injury, I had to modify my poses.  I picked a nice spot in my bedroom where I had access to furniture and walls in case I fell over during my knee “give out” moments.

    I was pleasantly surprised about how sweaty I was at the end of each session 🙂

    These are not super long sessions, which is another bonus.  It allowed me to get my yoga in before getting ready to start my day.  If I really enjoyed the session, I would sometimes do it again at night.  Because YOGA.

    One of the things I really enjoyed were the restorative days.  As in the photo above, there were days set aside for muscles we all forget about.  The wrists and hands are important!

    I also enjoyed the days focused on the lower backs and hip openers.  As a runner, these days were awesome!!

    I can say that there are many moves that I was not able to do, and wish there had of been a sidebar for a slow progression into Crow Pose or a Headstand.

    At the end

    All in all, I really enjoyed this challenge!  Would definitely recommend for anyone who has been doing some yoga 🙂

    Has anyone else done this challenge?  What did you think?  Any others you would like to share?

    #crazymamaruns