The Midlife Reframe

Category: runner

  • It’s My “Anniversary”!!! Sort of……

     

    So here we are.

    June.

    My mental illness and I have our official 6th year anniversary together.

    I choose to remember my descent down the rabbit hole for many reasons.  One being:  I have learned so much.  Knowing (finally) what/why/how my brain works has been monumental in so many ways.

    I know when I shut down, and why (even though I may not be able to control when this happens).

    I know my limits.

    I know when to say no.

    I value my life more now than I did 6 years ago.

    It took me a while to feel “comfortable” saying “I have Depression/Anxiety”.  You need to be in that space to put it out there.  I have no problem sharing my experiences.   Some people are not okay with sharing their experience, and that is their choice.  I respect everyone’s choice, because everyone experiences this illness differently.  I also know that listening to others with mental illness is more important than saying “Well you should…..”.  Because that does not help.  At all.  Shut down.

    Every person experiences this illness differently.  Copes with it differently.  Thinks (or overthinks) about it differently.

    The thing is, those of us that suffer, we are all in it together and knowing that we can share our feelings, even if it just with each other is in itself a great comfort.

    This year, my “anniversary” will be different than in years past.

    My daughter (TeenThing) graduates this month.  Another shift in my time/space continuum.  Our dynamic will change again.  I have been mulling this over in my  head, probably more than I should, and even though  I am celebrating this, at the same time it’s extremely bittersweet. I remember her first day of school vividly.

    I have hopefully raised her right, lol 😉  She’s strong and stubborn like her Mama, so I think she’ll be okay.  She will be taking a year off to work before she solidifies her plans for the future.

    I am very glad I started planning the Grad Trip to Scotland with her in Grade 11.  It is giving us something to look forward to after all the chaos of this year 🙂

    So, “Happy Anniversary” to Me!

    I look forward to learning more about myself as things change over the next year or so.

    One thing that won’t change:  Running 😉

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • That’s All Folks!

    Well, I did it.

    The weather was perfect.  The energy was amazing. I was ready.

    Hydration baby!

    Once I got downtown, I ran into some of my running friends 🙂   We had a chat before they went our for their 10k.

    I went into my training with the A/B/C plan in my head.  A: Go for my best time. B: Go for my best time when I am not my best.  C: Don’t die and finish, lol.

    I went with my Plan B, and decided to hang out with the 2:15 Pace Bunny and see how it went.

    I was concerned, I won’t lie.  Not running the last few weeks of training really had me worried.  Thankfully my PT and RMT told me I would be okay.

    I was okay.

    I felt good.  I met a Twitter bud Shelley while running along Agricola Street.  My body was feeling okay. After the first 5kms I went a little bit ahead of the Pace Bunny, but kept close enough to hear when we would take our walk breaks.  I stayed out front until Point Pleasant Park and “the hill”.  I wanted to walk it, mostly because I know when I hit my wall, and if walking that hill cut into my time, I was willing to save my legs to get me through until the end.

    I caught up with the group on our way out of Point Pleasant and tried to stay with them as much as I could.  Shelley and I met up again and we hung out for a bit until her knee got angry with her and she told me to soldier on.

    I soldiered.  I walked when I needed to.

    I was treated to a dance and a hug by my friend Tab who was out there cheering all the runners on South Park Street 🙂

    I chugged along until I hit the last couple of kms.  I then ran into my Twitter friend Sherry who was volunteering at a water station. She ran with me until the corner of Citadel Hill (thanks girl!).  Then I walked a bit, because this is “almost the end”.   It’s downhill.  Then the slow painful incline of Brunswick Street, lol.

    I hoofed it down Cogswell Street, heard someone yelling my name (later found out who that was – another social media peep, Chantal!), and got down to Brunswick.  I took a short walk break.  Then started running again.

    Not too long before the Finish Line I heard a familiar voice coming up beside me.  Shelley had made it!  We ran across the finish line together 🙂

    Shelley and I heading into the Scotiabank Centre for some TLC (and I had a hankering for chocolate milk!)

    I am lucky to have a good Sherpa Team waiting at the finish line of every race.  My Mom and TeenThing 🙂

    This race, as rough as it was for me the last few kilometres, reminded me why I love to run.

    So very thankful.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Why I Am Retiring the Half Marathon

    Need to find this feeling again.

    So if you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you know that I announced that my half marathon on May 21st will be my last half marathon.

    I struggled with this decision through training.  Even though I started out strong, every bump in the road seemed like a mountain.  Running started to become a burden.  The thing I love was becoming something I did not look forward to.

    It had nothing to do with my support team and my friends.  They were the ones who helped me get my butt out the door.  I could not have made it this far in my training without them!

    I place a very high expectation on myself.  When things don’t go as I think they SHOULD have, I can fall into a big black hole of self doubt that is not exactly fun.

    The remainder of my race season is made up of shorter distance races.

    I am in need of a reset.

    During some of my solo training runs I went off the beaten path.  I found that it was in those moments that I felt more at peace.  I enjoyed myself.

    I do believe that the trails are calling.  More time in Mother Nature is required.  I need it.  My soul needs it.  I need to find the joy in running again.

    2018 will be about running for just for me.  No concerns about pace, time, or serious training.  I am going to run for fun.  Find my love of lacing up early in the morning and being outside before the chaos of the day begins.

    So, next weekend I hope to crush this last half marathon and enjoy the remainder of the year which will be filled with a few fun things including: TeenThing’s Prom, Graduation, and Graduation Trip (Hello SCOTLAND!).

    Looking forward to finding the joy.

    @crazymamaruns

    p.s. We will be vlogging Scotland.  So excited!!

     

     

     

     

     

  • I’m Deficient

    Vitamin D3 deficiency.

    Never thought I would hear that as a result from my blood work.

    Google Search Image

    I didn’t have the insomnia issue, quite the opposite in fact.  I have been experiencing hair loss, but I have psoriasis on my scalp (and more recently in my ears), so I am used to some hair loss.  I have depression, but I didn’t feel hopeless or feel like I WANTED to stay in bed all day.  I was just SO TIRED.  Sleeping for 10 hours was doing nothing.  I still wanted to sleep.  *Sigh*

    I am so very thankful for my BRF Kara.  She got me through my 18km run last weekend.  We are a kickass team when we run together 🙂

    My BRF and I after that super tired 18kms.

    When I was at the doctor’s office I was shocked that this was my result.  I asked him if this could cause the extreme fatigue and excessive sleeping.  He said yes.

    He advised me to start Vitamin D3 supplements, 2000IU per day.  I should start feeling an improvement in a couple of weeks, and hopefully feel completely better in a month.

    I was relieved to be sure.  I had myself thinking it was  something awful.  Overthinking is my specialty 😉

    Pretty sure I’ve been a hot mess all week.  I have been so tired I’ve wanted to cry, and I almost have on quite a few occasions.

    Now, to reset and be thankful.  I’ll be fine to complete training and run my half in May!!

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Tired – So Very Tired

    How I am feeling, all the time (thanks for the demonstration Nala)

    At first, I thought I was fighting a cold.  I was congested and just feeling yucky.

    But this is week three.  I am no longer congested.

    I am tired.  So very tired.

    I am trying to stay awake.  It’s 7:00 pm as I write this post, and I could have curled up in bed half an hour ago.

    Writing this is keeping me awake.

    Last night I was in bed at 8:45pm.  Woke up at 6:00am today, feeling okay.  By the time 1:00pm rolled around, I was yawning.

    4 weeks out from my half marathon.  Ugh.

    This means a visit to the clinic tomorrow.  I need bloodwork.  I need a solution.

    In the meantime, I’ll soldier on.

    My last big long run is on Sunday, then the slow taper begins.

    I hope this is something that can be treated easily.  So many possibilities.

    Once I get my results back I’ll be posting again.  Keep your fingers crossed!

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • When Overthinking Seeps Into The Run

    Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’

    So for those of you who have been keeping up with me on social media know, I have been plagued with cranky calves.  If you aren’t following me on social media:  I am plagued with crank calves, lol.

    Ever since my knee surgery in 2015, I have been pushing with my calves to run.  I am pretty sure this is because I was afraid that I would break off more dead pieces of femur, would be back in the same spot, and require more surgery.

    I have been at physio getting myself looked after (yay dry needling!) and working on strength training to get my quads, hammies and glutes to activate.  I am also working on my balance and core work.

    Bosu!!

    My last long run was good.  Things are activating.  My butt and upper legs are SORE (not the bad sore, but the “heyyyyy, we are working here” kind of sore that I haven’t felt in a while) and I was happy with what I could pull off after not really pounding out the kms the week prior.

    My problem now:  I am overthinking how I am running.

    Seriously overthinking.

    I ran 4kms in the evening after my lunchtime physio and all I could do was think “Are my glutes activating?”  “My calves are sore, but I had dry needling, so is it that or did I screw them up again?” “Keep using the upper legs.”  “You probably look weird” “You should be in the Fitness Centre doing leg work” “WHY CAN’T I JUST RUN LIKE I USED TO!?”.

    Needless to say, I got the run done, but it was noisy.

    Sometimes I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain.

    My goal is to do the remaining runs this week and not think about it.  Try to enjoy the run, and remember why I love it:  the endorphins, the sweat, the joy.

    It’s a big request for my brain.  Hoping it can step up to the challenge.

    @crazymamaruns

     

  • Running and the Seesaw of Depression

    See this girl here?  This is a happy runner.

    Sun, snow, and a happy 5k.
    Sun, snow, and a happy 5k.

    I am not always like this when I run.  Some of my solo runs are hard sloggy messes.  This is where running becomes more than a physical game.  Mentally a hard run is rough for any runner.  For me a hard run feels like complete failure and no matter what I tell myself, I agree with the voice that is whispering in my ear.   Lanni Marchant herself could sit beside me and say “It’s just one run”.  I still hear the voice.  The one that says “Why bother, you suck”.

    If I don’t get enough sleep, any run can turn into a soul sucking event.  This is why I love my sleep.  It is one of the most important parts of my half marathon training.  It is a big help mentally as well.

    I cherish my good runs.  A LOT.  These make my sloggy messes melt away and I am charged for my next run.  If I am having a good stretch of happies then I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and live to run another day.  🙂

    But if my next run is not so good, and I am not at my best, the seesaw stops being a regular flow and I crash to the ground.

    The equation varies, which creates so many possible outcomes.   I struggle with this every time I train.

    Sunshine can make a bad run not so bad.
    Sunshine can make a bad run not so bad when I am feeling okay.

    When I have a couple of sloggy messes that I need to remember that: #1 I am a human being, #2 I am not getting paid to do this, #3 That means it is not the end of my running, #4 Everyone has bad runs, even elite athletes, and #5 I am lucky to be able to lace up and do something I love.

    Running doesn’t always lift me to where I want to be, but it is something that I love to do.  Giving out big sweaty hugs post run can be quite enjoyable 😉

    Running bonus:  Long run celebratory treats 🙂

    My fav: Coffee and Chocolate Croissant!
    My fav: Coffee and Chocolate Croissant!

    Keep fighting for happy my friends, even on your darker days.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Winter Running With My Pal, The Yanky!

    Winter running.

    It’s cold.  It’s snowy.  It makes your nose run.

    You have options for the runny nose:  either take Kleenex with you, or you use sleeves or gloves.  You can blow a snot rocket, but let’s face it, how well does THAT turn out?

    I may have found a solution to this problem.

    The Yanky.

    My Yanky arrived with sugar. Off to a good start!
    My Yanky arrived with sugar. Off to a good start!

    The Yanky is the hanky you yank, made in New Brunswick (Mama’s home province), and now comes in an assortment of colours.

    I took my Yanky out on a Sunday long run (10k).  I snapped it on my Under Armour hoodie pocket.

    Clipped on my hoodie pocket. Ready to roll!
    Clipped on my hoodie pocket. Ready to roll!

    I have used other products to get sweat off my face or blow my nose into, but they all involved my hand.  What I love about the Yanky is that it clips onto a hoodie or your pants and you don’t have to hold onto it!  The material is soft and absorbent.  I blew my nose a few times on my run and just being able to yank, blow, and release was FANTASTIC.  No more worrying about failed snot rockets.  No more lugging Kleenex in my water belt.

    It’s also great for my sweaty face when I am on the track or treadmill.  Yank, wipe, release.  Done.

    Another great thing, I can unclip it and throw it in the washer.  Win!  It washes like a dream.

    If you’re looking for something to wipe away sweat or snot and not worry about carrying around something in your belt or in your hand, I highly recommend The Yanky*.

    Find them on Facebook.  Ryan is awesome.

    @crazymamaruns

    *I was provided with a free Yanky for my review.

  • Races, Brain Melts, and the Return of the FitBit

     

    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let's hope I don't injure anything, lol.
    Began 2017 on the right foot. Let’s hope I don’t injure anything, lol.

    Okay,

    So over the holidays I decided that I seriously needed to keep moving this year.  Not just for my physical health, but for my mental health.  I sat and muddled about a fall half marathon.  I wanted something close to home (because I am without my own vehicle, and would need to acquire one for long distance travel) and fun.

    I ended up choosing the Half at Maritime Race Weekend.

    Here is the elevation for MRW Half :)
    Here is the elevation for MRW Half 🙂

    I did the Tartan Twosome there last year (5ks) and really enjoyed the atmosphere and all the goodies offered post race.  Also, the views in Eastern Passage are amazing!

    Also, I purchased a Believe Journal over the holidays.  SUPER EXCITED.

    Plan Amy, plan.
    Plan Amy, plan.

    I am ramping up to start training for the BlueNose Half Marathon shortly and have been writing in my journal daily.  I should be receiving my plan soon and am looking forward to getting back on the training train 😉

    You said Brain Melts?

    Oh yes, brain melts.

    Once I had registered and started to plan out my races, I had a brain melt.

    Then panic.

    What had I done?!?!?

    I am usually a one big race and then all the smaller distances to keep me moving.

    I did not get the kms in that I wanted my first week and by the weekend, it caught up with me:  work, life, running, KERSMASH.

    I had an anxiety moment.  A brain melting, bugs crawling on my skin, flight (not fight), moment.

    I’m good now, but it was yuck.

    And now, let’s talk about the FitBit.

    I Thought You Divorced Your FitBit?

    I did.

    We recently made up, for now.  I put my step goal down to 8,000 and joined a challenge.

    Results from first full week:  I can’t do challenges.  It still ramps up my brain and makes me super anxious.

    But I decided to still wear it.  If anything I can see my sleep patterns and make sure I do get up and move around (she says as she sits and types, lol).

    It gives me some motivation to be active, and see lovely sights such as this on my lunch hour:

    Halifax Waterfront
    Halifax Waterfront

    That is what’s been happening here in the land of Amy so far in 2017.  Come back around soon, as we get ready to document the Odyssey that is my life and how I am going to manage 2 Half Marathons and my brain!

    @crazymamaruns

  • Looking Back….Looking Ahead

    Christmas at Mom and Dad's
    Christmas at Mom and Dad’s

    So here we are.

    2016 is slowly coming to a close.

    2017 is on the doorstep, patiently waiting.

    I decided a year or so ago that I would not do resolutions.  It’s just not me.  It sets me up to self sabotage my well thought out plans.

    This month has been hard mentally.  Deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of was a big thing.  Like taking out my mental garbage.  It’s surprising how much we can hold onto.  Some of it drags us down and some lifts us up.  This week I have been trying to take out my mental garbage.  That has not been an easy task.  I’m doing it.  I. Am. Doing. It.

    I am also thinking about the year ahead and what I want to do when it comes to running.  I won my registration to the BlueNose Marathon this year and I will be gearing up for the half marathon again.  My desire is that I finish it in under 2 hours 10 minutes, as that is my current personal best.

    I’d like to do a fall half marathon as well.  This means I REALLY need to train and run smart in 2017.  It also means I have to take care of myself mentally as well.  Not being on top of my illness and letting it take over my body can throw a big wrench into my plans.  Depression can shut your body down.  If you don’t pay attention it will show up as aches, pains and then injury.  Total body shut down means it hurts to move all the time:   getting out of bed, walking down the stairs, breathing, etc.  Not good.

    I have started weight lifting again (as I type this I have some major DOMS going on in my upper body, and the typing struggle is real, hahaha) and will make an effort to schedule in my yoga daily.  I bought new gloves for weights, a yoga strap (I had been using an old scarf), and a block (again, using something other than a block, read:  my travel foam roller) today to keep me in the groove.

    I am hoping that I can keep this train rolling into 2017 and focus on good food as fuel, proper hydration, and a smart plan when it comes to training.

    I will be thoroughly documenting my ups and downs this year.  My trials and tribulations 😉  Weekly posts will give you an idea where my body and brain are, I promise!

    My train derailed early last year, and I plan to keep it on the rails for 2017.

    I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season so far, and I wish you all the best for the New Year! xo

    @crazymamaruns