The Midlife Reframe

Category: runner

  • Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)

    Today I was able to see my doctor.

    I am very lucky, because I called this morning and got in this afternoon.

    I know I’ve been off kilter for quite some time now (months really) and I’ve been at the edge of the rabbit hole for about the same amount of time.

    I had been able to keep my head above water with running and meditation.

    My depression loves food, and sleep. Lots of food and lots of sleep. It is how it fuels the lie machine.

    I’ve been tired, I mean reaaaalllly tired, for a long time. I sleep a full 8-9ish hours every night.

    When the alarm clock goes off, I drag myself through molasses to get moving. Usually I can enjoy my bed coffee and then get moving.

    Lately it’s been bed coffee and I-want-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-another-eight-hours kind of morning. Every day. Even on the weekend.

    There was also my slow disassociation. I would hear myself talking and be like “Who is that talking? It can’t be me because she sounds like she has her shit together.”

    Please note: SHE DID NOT HAVE HER SHIT TOGETHER.

    This past week I could really notice how I was starting to slowly unravel on the inside. I can’t share it all, because it’s raw right now, and I need to let it be for now.

    But I can share that I had a few conversations with my mom on Saturday, and we drove by the doctor’s office so I could see who was in for the weekend clinic (thanks mom, love you!). Unfortunately it wasn’t my doctor, so I decided then that I would call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment.

    (I am so very lucky, soooooo lucky to have the family doctor I do. She rocks.)

    (Also, to acknowledge my slow brain drain: when I had a conversation with some people at lunch the other day, and then later…when I was on the bus with someone who was sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME during this conversation, I said “remind me to tell you…*insert things from lunch conversation here* that this person already heard because SHE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME . Ugh.)

    So tomorrow, I start using my new (I’ve taken this medication before so it’s like an old new) tool.

    Living with a mental illness is not easy.

    It’s awful to think that there are people out there who are afraid to ask for help.

    I was once afraid to ask for help.

    I am not afraid anymore.

    Suffering (for me) is not an option.

    I am on my way feeling better.

    One day at a time.

  • Not Racing…On Purpose

    As most of you know, I am taking this year off from racing. It wasn’t an easy decision and I went back and forth with it, until my body finally had enough, and yelled STOP!

    I am staying away from everything race related this year (well, I’m going to try) because I just need to.

    Do I miss it? Fuck yes.

    I am usually nearing the end of a training cycle right now, as the Scotiabank Bluenose Marathon (my usual spring half) is during our May long weekend.

    It has been weird, BUT…

    I have been working on my muscle imbalances.

    I am getting the rest I really need, physically and mentally. When racing and training starts messing with your head, it’s time to step back.

    I am still running, and it’s starting to become something I enjoy again (thanks to my awesome BRF).

    I am slowly getting my weight training back into my schedule, and I am considering looking at some PT sessions this summer to amp this up.

    I deleted my Garmin account (THE HORROR!) and I am using my Apple Watch to track my fitness.

    AND: There are days I do nothing fitness related.

    I admit that I was afraid of taking this year off.

    I was soooo scared of what may happen (read: freaked that I may not run AT ALL and not miss it).

    But now that I am 4 months in, I’m okay.

    Will I race next year? Don’t know.

    But if I don’t, it’s okay. Racing does not define who I am as a runner.

    That was my internal struggle. That is what I had to come to terms with. I don’t HAVE to race to call myself a runner.

    Racing is a such a personal thing. I loved racing to see where I could push myself physically and mentally.

    Once it becomes about other things, it’s no longer fun.

    So, for now, I am going to continue to enjoy my running on the track, road, and on the trails.

    See you out there fellow runners 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • So Many Things

    When I am coming out of a depressive episode, it’s like a slow sunrise after an overnight storm.

    I am never sure how long I’ll have before the next descent, so I am soaking in every moment I can. Saving good memories for the next fog filled vortex.

    I’ve been running with my BRF Kara these past two Sundays. It’s been quite a while since we’ve laced up together. We decided on “let’s move ‘x’ kms – running/walking, as long as we are moving” as our plan.

    It’s been working great. We run/walk/chat and get our track time in. It’s been great therapy. So thankful for her. She’s seen me at one of my lowest moments, and helped me start moving again.

    Super bonus to starting over: my calves are not sore!!!

    My quads, hammies, and glutes on the other hand, are……aware, lol.

    This is the culmination of a well needed break and some awesome folks giving me the tools I needed to get my body back in balance (Thank you Lifemark SMU and CGC).

    Coming out of the fog has given me a renewed outlook on some things. I am really looking at what is important to me. Really thinking about what I can do without: things, places, people (harsh, but true).

    I need to harness this moment. Do what I can while I am “good”, so when it’s “bad” I have the right people and things around me.

    There is a lot of unknown in my life right now.

    So much unknown.

    So many things I can’t control.

    It’s okay.

    Taking it day by day is where I’m at.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Looking Out From The In

    It’s been a rough go these past few months.

    Swimming upstream was taking its toll.

    The daily struggle of getting out of bed was hard, and my life mojo was low.

    Having a moment in each and every day to sit and be present with myself caused me to face some of my demons head on. Taking time to stop and breathe made me extremely aware.

    I am thankful I am making time for me on and off my yoga mat. (Not running hasn’t been easy, but I am making headway and my calves don’t hate me.)

    These moments of self reflection made me aware of how well I can convince myself that I am not mentally ill.

    Now, just hang on there: I said convince myself . This is not a good thing. This is where I shove everything down into the core of my being where it sits to fester.

    The big ball of festering feels starts to manifest outward: I chew the skin around my fingers. I don’t care if my house isn’t clean. I get snippy. Hearing people speak makes me rage-y. Being in a large area with lots of people really makes me want to curl into a ball. I can go on and on. The list is frigging LARGE.

    Facing my demons is not always easy. It can be goddamn scary. Not knowing what the outcome will be can be very overwhelming. But I need to do it. This is how I know if I need to ask for help.

    For now, I’m good. Things are okay. I’m still hanging out in my cocoon a bit, because it’s cozy in here, but I am slowly coming around.

    Another rough patch done.

    I know there will be another.

    For now, I am embracing this moment, looking out from the in.

    @crazymamaruns

  • What I am Learning

    I started my yoga journey to slowly get my body back to some fluid movement after beating it up for many years with my running.

    I have been learning a lot, about my body and about myself.

    I am becoming more present (although on my not so good days this can still be a struggle) and facing a lot of my feelings head on.

    I am painfully aware of where I am holding all of my stress, and slowly learning how to release it (hello hips and shoulders, lol).

    I am glad I started yoga (again) and made it it a part of my daily routine.

    I will continue to be true to myself and to ride the wave that is my brain, being unapologetic about where I am.

    I’ve found my breath.

    I am finding my voice.

    Namaste bitches.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Swimming Against the Current

    I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?

    Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.

    It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.

    You think you are making headway.

    You look up.

    You’re in the same spot.

    You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.

    Same. Fucking. Spot.

    This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.

    (Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)

    I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.

    I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.

    I can’t control much of anything.

    But I can ‘keep swimming’.

    Even if it is upstream.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Starting Over…Again

    So, if you’ve been following along lately, you have been witness to my roller coaster, love/hate relationship with my fitness.

    Having multiple injuries and running through them made my body go full stop.

    Reality Check: I needed to stop.

    I needed to reassess my body.

    I needed a break.

    Running through my injuries hell bent on finishing up a season took its toll on me not only physically, but mentally as well.

    Not taking time to seriously work on the muscle weakness in my body just made it harder.

    What I loved doing became something I was beginning to despise. I was associating it with pain.

    It was becoming mentally exhausting to get myself motivated to run. To move. So different from the feelings I associated with my running. There was no more joy.

    After taking a little break from everything, I took some time this weekend to think about what this year would look like for me.

    It’s still a little up in the air right now, but I took the first step today. One minute plank.

    Tomorrow will be step 2. I will decide whatever step that is when I wake up, lol.

    Baby steps.

    Baby.

    Steps.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Contemplating 2018

     

    So as I sit and mellow out for the next little while, I am contemplating my “plan” for 2018.

    2017 has been a weird roller coaster ride.  Running, injuries, body imbalances, Mom and TeenThing madness and general chaos.

    I have given myself some time off from running, as I needed to work on a few things.  Hoping to start on fresh feet in 2018 and get back to enjoying my running, instead of seeing it as something I have to work into my schedule.

    Running was my go to for joy, and giving myself some time away from any regular running has me missing it.  So I am happy that that is the case.  Otherwise I’d have some serious thinking to do, lol.

    I have a virtual run to do this week, and would love to do some snow running….we just need the snow to stick around here 😉

    One thing I am sticking to is my plan of no race registration for 2018 (THIS HAS BEEN SO FRIGGING HARD!).  My muscle imbalances are a big reason for my injuries and my frustration.  I need to take care of me.

    As always, when approaching a new year I always have hope that it will be full of awesomeness.  How that awesomeness comes my way I really don’t mind.  I just always try to be thankful for things I have.  This isn’t always easy, but I try my best.

    Have a wonderful holiday season.

    Hold those you love close.

    Take some time to unplug and just enjoy the world around you.

    Practice self care.

    Remember that NO ONE is perfect.  We don’t have to be.  It is the imperfections that make us individuals.

    Do not conform.  Be loud.

    Be you.

    No regrets.

    I hope your new year brings you much awesomness, in all shapes and forms.

    I hope to share my re surge of running love in the coming year 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

     

     

     

  • Running – For Me


    My last “official” race of 2017 was the Valley Harvest 5k.

    It was a warm day.  I had a head cold.  I managed 30 minutes and I was happy 😃

    I chose Valley Harvest because of the beautiful scenery in Wolfville…..and the blanket.


    Taking all expectation off of myself has given me back some of the joy I was missing when I ran.  The shorter distances have been a blessing as well.  My body was hungry for a break.

    Last weekend was a fun run to support Feed Nova Scotia at the Canada Games Centre.  It was a beautiful day, and a great turnout.

    I ran with a couple of my running peeps from the neighbourhood and we had a great run!  Plus, there was pie, Starbucks, and Booster Juice at the end 🙂

    I’ve run a couple of days this week during my lunch hour, and I felt great.  It’s bringing me back to the start.  My lunch runs are 3k and it’s the perfect distance.  I can get away from my desk, get the rush, and burn off some steam.


    I am finding my balance.

    Finding the joy.

    Running for me.

    @crazymamaruns

  • Where Things Sit

    A very happy me (a sick me, lol) after a wonderful 5k at the Valley Harvest Marathon Weekend in Wolfville.

    As I sit here and type this post, it is Thanksgiving Monday in Canada.

    We had a great turkey feast yesterday, after a very early morning traveling so I could run a 5k at the 25th Anniversary of the Valley Harvest Marathon.

    I have a lingering head cold, and was thankful I felt well enough to run this beautiful course.

    I have one more run this season, the Food Run to support Feed Nova Scotia next weekend here in my neighbourhood.

    After having a great run yesterday in Wolfville, part of me started to question my decision to take a break from racing next year (I say this as I think…”well, maybe a few 5ks wouldn’t be so bad”, or “well, maybe some trail running would be better for me”, lol).  As runners we push ourselves to our physical and mental limits.  We question why we do this to ourselves as we run, but then bask in the afterglow.

    Running has always been cathartic for me.  I see things differently after a run.  It gives me a fresh perspective on things.  It connects me to my inner peace.

    The reality of the situation is this:  my body is out of balance.  My weak muscles are the ones that need to be strong, and my strong muscles are making up for the weak.  This is why I need to dial back and work on the imbalances.

    Mentally I need the break from the constant pressure I put myself under.  No one is harder on me, than me.  Trust me on that.

    The running community is a great source of support for me.  I can draw strength and ask for advice.  They do not judge.  They seek to understand and offer advice. I am grateful for that.  They see my back and forth as a struggle to do what’s right for me and my need to lace up and head out.

    I am truly looking forward to working on myself, taking the time to figure out my body at 45 years old, and find out what it is truly capable of.

    So, you’ll still see me out on the road, but you’ll also see me in the gym.  It’s part of the mind/body relationship I’ve ignored for too long.

    This is where things sit, and I’m really okay with it 🙂

    Hoping you’ll continue to come along with me to see where my running will take me down this fork in the road.

    @crazymamaruns