The Midlife Reframe

Category: runner

  • My Body is Changing and I Need a Support Group

    I’ll be 47 in a few months.

    My body is starting to work against me now. No matter what I do, it’s like I am moving through molasses.

    My days are already a battle with my brain.

    Now it’s a battle with my body.

    I am still running. Still physically active.

    My body is in “gather” mode. Like I am starving and it needs to save up extra gear to keep me alive.

    I AM FINE BODY, CAN YOU SLOW YOUR ROLL?!?

    Coming to peace with all the weird hormonal things going on is a struggle.

    The body and brain are a combo that are fighting for attention right now and I am exhausted trying to keep these balls up in the air.

    I am seriously thinking of starting a support group.

    It will have wine, food, and wise women that tell us all the stuff we need to know to make it through this weird state of walking backwards.

    So until I figure this out, I’ll just keep moving. My brain is going to need it.

  • Bluenose 15k

    I received a fantastic pep talk close to the end of my 15km race on June 9th.

    It reminded me that even though I thought I had given up, that I could push through that last little bit and cross the finish line.

    Running is a coping skill for me. I can hash things out on a run, or sometimes I hash nothing out and run to forget.

    This run, this run is where I worked some shit out.

    This run was hot.

    This run was hard.

    This run was full of soul searching and forgiveness.

    This run reminded me of what I am capable of. That I am not weak. That I am stronger than I think, physically and mentally.

    I forget that when my depression is trying to sink it’s teeth in.

    I forgave myself for a lot on this run. I forgave a lot of things (and people) on this run.

    When I crossed that finish line, I felt less heavy.

    My legs were screaming, and I was nauseous, but lighter.

    Being kind to yourself is hard.

    Forgiving yourself is hard.

    Remembering that you come first is hard.

    Taking time for yourself is not selfish, it is an investment in your well being.

    YOU are worth the effort.

    Become lighter.

    Become YOU.

    (P.S. Now, this will be so very hard to remember when my depression is bad. Hopefully I can come back to this post and get something small out of it when I need to, and I hope you can too.)

  • So Here’s The Thing

    I still have bad days, even on my medication.

    They do help, good gravy do they help. They keep me from going down the rabbit hole full tilt.

    They don’t “cure” my depression or my anxiety. They never will.

    This week was a circus show. Work went sideways. I am as hormonal as all get out.

    There just wasn’t enough good to bring me up this week.

    Even my runs were a hot mess.

    I missed Parkrun on Saturday because my brain and body were done Friday night and I slept for 12 hours. (I did get out for a run, which was sloggy.)

    I woke up today wanting to bawl my eyes out. Some mornings are like that, and sometimes I can’t shake it, even though I am medicated.

    Thankfully, today was a planned run with my BRF (Best Running Friend), and that really helped to bring me back to a more balanced place.

    I just have to remind myself that the bad days aren’t as bad as they have been, and I have the tools to balance things out.

    If that doesn’t work, I just ride out the bad day, and try again when I wake up.

    It really is day by day.

  • I’m Gonna Do It

    This Tuesday, I start training for a 15km race.

    I am running the Scotibank Bluenose 15km route in June.

    It’s been a staggered start in my running this year with illness and other issues. I will be glad to start a training plan.

    Glad, and extremely nervous.

    I know I can run this distance. I’ve run half marathons.

    My last half was riddled with pre-race injury. I’ve been proactive, and have been working on my glutes so I am not running with my calves.

    It’s worked, but those calf strains are sitting in the back of my head going “Hey, remember us?”

    I try and keep a forward focus. This is not always easy with my brain and how it’s wired, but I will try my hardest to keep looking forward.

    I will be running this race as one of many Worth Living Run Ambassadors (more on this at a later date) to bring awareness to mental illness.

    This won’t be my only race this year, but it will be my largest distance. I am going to mix up 5 and 10 kilometre distances the rest of the year.

    So, I’ll be spewing all kinds of nervous fun over the coming months.

    I’m apologizing in advance, hahahaha.

    Thanks for hanging in there with me!

  • As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

    One thing that my medication doesn’t shake: my want to sleep, ALL THE TIME.

    My depression likes sleep. I love sleep.

    This depression sleep is a whole different beast. It doesn’t like it when I want to get up and do anything productive, like work or running.

    This sleep can be intoxicating to my brain. It wraps itself around it and keeps it cozy. It lies and says that we really don’t HAVE to get up. We can call in sick. We can keep sleeping. We can run later.

    When this sleep takes over, it makes it hard to peel myself out out of bed.

    Bed becomes a sanctuary.

    Mornings become hard. Not even my bed coffee helps.

    I become a zombie walking through molasses.

    I can get through my day. It just takes a little longer to get up to my regular energy level.

    I find the darker months harder. My brain is up for hibernation, and my body is very willing to agree.

    The struggle IS real, yo.

    While many people CAN get out of bed with no issues, I can’t. Also, there are folks who can’t get enough sleep (which is a whole other evil).

    Each person with a mental illness is fighting their own sleep battle.

    We’re all fighting the dark.

    I just need to find my daylight.

  • It’s Almost Winter

    Yes, I know in a lot of places there is snow and it’s cold (both here right now), but the calendar says: not yet.

    I both love and hate this time of year. I love the coziness of winter. The sweaters and blankets, the hot chocolate (and other toasty warm beverages), and the holidays.

    I am not a huge fan of the darkness this time of year. I find it drags me down. This is when I need to start making sure I get in physical activity so that I don’t get into a slump. It’s not as easy as it sounds, that last sentence. It’s hard. I just want to hibernate this time of year. But now, more than any other time, is when I need to kick my own ass and get it out the door as much as I can.

    I’ve signed up for the Resolution Run this year to keep me on top of myself, and of course there is the Solstice Run on the 21st (a run a good friend of mine has organized the past few years to #FightTheDark). I have a 15k race planned for June, and should try and get another distance in between those so I don’t loose momentum.

    Taking 2018 off of running races was both good and bad. Good for my body, and kind of good for my mind, but bad for my momentum, lol.

    I know that others find this time of year hard, for many reasons, and we all need to be mindful that not everyone can “get out of the funk”.

    So, please, try not to belittle someone’s feelings when they just aren’t “festive” during the holidays. They may be struggling just to make it through the day.

    The darkness can really be hard on those who suffer from mental illness, both during the holidays, and after.

    Let’s try and support each other as much as we can through this season.

  • Let’s Get Running

    Looking ahead to the next year as a whole isn’t something that comes easy to me.

    Just typing this is making me itch with anxiety (for real, my arms are itchy).

    I have decided to start planning my races for next year. I will be running all as a Worth Living Run Ambassador to bring awareness to mental illness.

    I have already registered for the 15k distance at the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon in June.

    I am registering for the Resolution Run this week.

    So far, I have these on the list as possible races:

    • Epic Canadian
    • Navy 10k
    • Maritime Race Weekend (or Canada Army Run)
    • Valley Harvest
    • Food Run

    These may change, but knowing that I gave my body the break it needed, and not looking to run anything over 15k, has me getting the “urge” to run again.

    Also, being back on medication and giving myself the time to heal up a bit mentally has helped so, so much as well.

    Setting these races up gives me something to work towards and are goals that are just big enough for some continuous motivation.

    Running as an Ambassador for something I am passionate about is a very big motivator for me. I am really looking forward to it.

    Okay, I need to stop itching, so I have to jet.

    Hope you’ll follow along with my running journey in 2019!!

  • Forgiving Myself

    Sometimes I have a big problem.

    I can’t forgive myself.

    I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.

    This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.

    It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.

    The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.

    People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.

    My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.

    Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.

    The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.

    Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.

    Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.

    If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.

    If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.

    Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.

    I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.

    It’s time to be kind to me.

  • I’m a Fainter

    Last weekend I fainted while sitting in a pedicure chair.

    An ambulance was called.

    My daughter was a rockstar (which is good, because I now know she can navigate a situation like that without freaking).

    I was checked out by the paramedics, and then went to see a doctor who ordered some bloodwork.

    I had a medication check in today, and decided to tackle this first before the med discussion.

    All my bloodwork came back normal, and everything checks out with respect to my heart (no murmur, and my blood pressure was normal today).

    The diagnosis (after a lengthy discussion): I am prone to vasovagal attacks. My doctor said it’s nothing to worry about, and told me what I could do the next time I feel it coming on.

    Then we talked about how I was doing on the Abilify.

    We discussed how I was feeling, and decided that since this is working for me, she will keep me on it in addition to the Cipralex.

    So, a successful visit today. Now that I am sorted medication wise, I can schedule a visit when I need to.

    This is what I’ve been working towards.

    I will never be 100%, but I am a solid baseline of 85% for now and that works for me!

    (And no, I haven’t gone back for the pedicure, lol!)

    😊

  • A New Beginning

    Some changes are coming.

    This is one of them.

    Crazy Mama Runs is now Screaming Into The Void.

    Many things have changed over this past year. It was time for the blog to have a new name.

    The site will get a redesign, but it will still be the same old me.

    I will still be running, still be fighting, and will always share my good and my bad.

    So stick around, there will be a lot to discuss and new things that will be launched in the coming months that I look forward to sharing with you 🙂

    @scrmngin2thevoid