The Midlife Reframe

Category: run

  • Looking Back, and Moving Forward…Again

    My first race

    I ran my first race (a 10k) 3 weeks before I was diagnosed with depression. I was numb. I ran out of pure spite. I had no idea I was on the road to a breakdown. I thought this was just a finish line.

    I never thought running would be the thing that saved me.

    I used to watch people running and think “Why are they doing that to themselves?” Who would want to run by choice?

    I thought runners were some weird breed of human that loved self torture. Maybe they are, but not in the negative way I thought before.

    You see, my perspective changed…

    I was diagnosed with depression on June 17, 2011.  I had become a shell of my former self.  I had been going through the motions, yelling at my daughter for no reason, and slowly retreating into the shadows.

    When talking about a treatment plan, my doctor told me it was important that I keep moving. Moving was hard.  Moving hurt.  Getting out of bed was this insurmountable task.  How could I keep moving when all I wanted to do was sleep and not get out of bed?

    I kept working with  a personal trainer for a while to get my mobility back (depression robs you of so much, even moving), and got out for walks with family and friends.

    Eventually I started running again.  Running felt good.  When I ran, I could easily work through situations and events that were troubling me.  Yes, those first few kilometres are killer, but the feeling afterwards, it’s definitely a rush. Runner’s high is real, and it’s a great motivator.

    Running is a gauge for my mental health.  When I start to lose interest, and when I don’t want to lace up, I know I am possibly beginning a journey down the rabbit hole again.  Sometimes I can catch myself before I get too far down that rabbit hole, but there have been times that I am more than halfway down before I try to climb back up.  It is those times that lacing back up and getting out is harder.  

    Starting over again is always hard, I won’t lie.  Everything hurts and my brain is usually working against me.  But once I get over the initial hurdle, I get that feeling again.  The one where I feel free.  Like I CAN get through the clouds and fog, and work through what it is that is holding me back.

    I am very lucky to be a part of the running community.  It is somewhere that I can lay out my soul and they are there to support me and love me through all my ups and downs.  They are my cheerleaders when things get rough, and a board to bounce things off of when I am riding high.

    When I am in my running groove, I feel like I can make it through anything.  On my not so good days, a run can be just what I need to give myself that mental boost.

    It’s not always that way, but even my bad runs are there to teach me something, and I try to find the lesson so I can move forward.

    That is what running is for me, a way to keep moving forward, when depression keeps wanting to hold me back.

    It is running that made me feel comfortable speaking about my mental illness.  It was a running injury that started my blogging journey.  It was my blogging journey that led me to using other forms of social media to share my story.  We are not alone in our battle.  We are a collective voice, and we are stronger than we think we are.

    Running, it’s my way to feel unsinkable.

    It’s not always easy.

    It’s one foot in front of the other.

    One step at  a time.

    We are capable of so much.

    We just need to be kind to ourselves and remember our resilience.

  • I Thought I Was Doing Good

    I have been eating better. I have been drinking more water. I am getting ready to start some consistent running and yoga on June 1st.

    What I didn’t really pay attention to during this time was my underlying fatigue. That not so good depression sleep.

    It’s the sleep that takes over. Sleeping in is every day. Sleeping until the last possible minute. This is not me. I am a wake up and get stuff done kind of person.

    I’ve slept in every single morning for quite some time now. It’s not restful sleep. It’s a dead sleep. It’s a sleep filled with weird dreams.

    I was wondering when it would happen to be honest.

    It is a slow progression, the depression sleep. It creeps in and sloooowly takes over. An extra 10 minutes here, another 15 minutes there. The next thing you know, you’re sleeping in an extra 2 hours and you’re scrambling to get up for work.

    I am hoping to change this starting tomorrow. If I can get up and get a small run in, it will be a win.

    Making this commitment to myself is necessary, for both my body and mind during these uncertain time.

    Wish me luck!

  • Running, In The Time of COVID

    Or…..not running?

    I have been struggling lately. I haven’t been running as much as I would like. Honestly, it’s been a while.

    I have some really bad anxiety when I go outside. If I do want to go for a run, it needs to be early in the morning so I am not around that many people. I am so nervous that I am going to unexpectedly turn a corner and run into someone. It really weighs on my mind, and I have pretty much played out all the possible scenarios in my head of what could happen (i.e. I’ll get hit by a car because I move onto the street to give a wide berth to those on the sidewalk).

    I know for me, getting outside and moving is important for my mental health. I am working from home right now, so it’s a break I need from the inside of my apartment. It’s all I see, from Sunday to Saturday, the inside of my apartment. The only other break from “the inside”, is when I go to get groceries.

    What does being inside all the time do?? Well, my hibernation mode sets in, and that’s not a good thing. My brain goes “Meh, outside is overrated.” “Look at all the things you need to do INSIDE.” “Nobody needs to see you slogging around out there.” Then, it begins to tug at my motivation, and it burns that wick down quickly. My get up and go, got up and went.

    I even fell off the yoga wagon. That was my equalizer. Now I am off balance.

    One wagon I did not fall off of, was the depression wagon. That wagon has me as a full time passenger. This is the voice behind hibernation mode. This is the voice that is winning because of the stress and anxiety I am experiencing.

    I know I can change this. I know that I CAN run outside without being pummelled by Covid (and people). It’s convincing my depression and my anxiety that I can do it. That’s not such an easy task.

    I have signed up for a virtual race in July, and my race in September, that has been postponed until 2021, will be having some sort of virtual event the same weekend of the race. I am hoping that these events will give me that little push to get moving regularly again.

    Now, I just need to have a chat about this whole situation with my mental illness. Wish me luck!

  • Because I Need to be Reminded: Why I Run

    If I had seen someone running (summer or winter) around 11 years ago I would have told you those people were nuts. Who would do that to themselves?

    I was a self proclaimed couch potato, and a single mom, working a stressful job.

    I hd been to the gym off and on, but it never stuck, I always found ways to circumvent going.

    It all changed when my daughter was around 10, and I really got a good look at myself. I was so focused on taking care of her, that I had forgotten that I mattered too. I signed up through the gym through work, and slowly started going. I eventually signed up with a trainer and we started working on getting me healthy and strong. It was through this journey that I seriously wondered if I was burning out at my job. I found it hard to wake up and get out of bed, I was cranky, and I was just not happy. I started looking into this personal training thing, and wondered if I could do something like that. I felt great when I worked out with my trainer and we had a great time.

    I took the plunge and decided that was an avenue I was willing to explore. I loved working out with my trainer and thought what a great way to spend your days, helping people get strong and reclaim their health.

    So, I left my 9 to 5 and did my course to become a trainer. I began working at the local Women’s Only gym. Things were great for a while, but there came a point where I started to feel like I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was not pleasant to be around, and I started snapping at my daughter. I wasn’t prepared for the financial strain when I fist started out in this job. My dad had some health issues. Things seemed to be falling apart around me.

    My mother had suggested that maybe I needed to see my doctor. She had said that I wasn’t myself. I put it off. I was just a little stressed.

    Then it happened. I yelled at my daughter one morning as I drove her to school. I had forgotten I had an early morning client, and my workplace called. We had to rush around and when we were in the van she asked me a question and I snapped. She didn’t deserve it, and I felt ROTTEN.

    I made an appointment with my doctor. I went in to see her in between my clients.

    That was the day I was diagnosed with depression, June 17, 2011. That was the day my life started over. I didn’t realize that at the time. It was a rough go. My meds made me tired and groggy. I had to fight hard to reclaim my former self, or was it my new self?

    My doctor told me that I needed to do physical activity as part of my treatment. I could start out walking. I did and it was helpful.

    I will tell you this, I didn’t want to move at all. There were days I went back to bed after I got my daughter ready and out the door for school.

    I had done some running as part of my gym routine, and I even ran a 10k race a little less than a month before I was diagnosed.

    I tried running agin not too long after I was put off work. I ached, and it felt lime I was running through molasses.

    I did get back to working with my trainer and I eventually started running again. It was something I could do that didn’t require any pressure. I felt free when I ran. I could think through some of my problems.

    I eventually went back to my 9 to 5 job, and running continued to be a big part of my life. I ran at lunch. It is a great stress reliever, and gave me time for myself.

    I started signing up for races, and sharing my ups and downs with the folks I met online and in real life. The running community has been a big part of my mental health struggles. They are always there to share their stories, and to get me through the rough times. It’s like an extended family.

    I know when I am hitting a rough patch with my depression, because my desire to run diminishes. I stop sometimes altogether. One thing is for certain, I always return. Running saves me.

    I am doing good today, and I am helping my daughter manage her mental illness (she was recently diagnosed a few years ago) when I can. She has a great support system and is seeing a therapist. Things are not always sunshine and roses. We have some pretty rough days, but we make it through.

    I had fallen off the running wagon, helping my daughter and getting her into therapy had taken up my time, which was the most important thing for me. Sometimes, life sends us where we need to be.

    I am slowly getting back to running, and am in the process, with some running friends, of setting up a non-profit running group to help combat the stigma associated with mental illness. We are the Road Warriors, and I am very excited to start this journey with my fellow runners.

    Running doesn’t “cure” my depression. Running helps me battle my depression.

    Running makes me feel strong.

    Running frees me.

    Running saves me.

  • And I Ran

    Last weekend was Maritime Race Weekend, and my birthday (wooohooo!).

    I had signed up for this race (the Tartan Twosome: one race Friday night, one race Saturday morning) when I was jacked up on endorphins from another race. I figured, what would be an awesome way to welcome 47!

    It has one of the best atmospheres and some wicked scenery.

    (I’ve run this race before, and I’ve volunteered for it as well.)

    The weather was AMAZING. Perfect running weather both days!

    It’s been a bit since I’ve run on a regular basis. I went into the weekend ready to run for the pure joy of it.

    I. Had. A. Blast.

    The 5km Sunset Run is probably one of my favs. So many folks are dressed for the occasion (it’s a pirate themed weekend), and I also love seeing all the kids participating with their parents as well. (Also, I had the chance to meet up with my fellow Worth Living Run Ambassador Co-Lead Shannon Lelievre beforehand, which is always awesome!! We also had Charlotte Flewelling, another ambassador, running in the races that weekend as well.)

    Saturday Morning was the Coastal 10k for me. I haven’t done this distance for this race weekend before, but I remember someone saying something about a hill. It came early on, and I got a bit of the way up before I decided to walk it, along with quite a few others, lol. I loved, loved, loved the view along the ocean. I high fived as many kids as I could, stopped at every water stop, and had a great time!

    This is one race weekend I would recommend to any runner. There is a big after party, which also includes pirate fun for the kiddos.

    Also, the medals are amazing.

    I am already planning to run this race weekend again next year 😊

  • Bluenose 15k

    I received a fantastic pep talk close to the end of my 15km race on June 9th.

    It reminded me that even though I thought I had given up, that I could push through that last little bit and cross the finish line.

    Running is a coping skill for me. I can hash things out on a run, or sometimes I hash nothing out and run to forget.

    This run, this run is where I worked some shit out.

    This run was hot.

    This run was hard.

    This run was full of soul searching and forgiveness.

    This run reminded me of what I am capable of. That I am not weak. That I am stronger than I think, physically and mentally.

    I forget that when my depression is trying to sink it’s teeth in.

    I forgave myself for a lot on this run. I forgave a lot of things (and people) on this run.

    When I crossed that finish line, I felt less heavy.

    My legs were screaming, and I was nauseous, but lighter.

    Being kind to yourself is hard.

    Forgiving yourself is hard.

    Remembering that you come first is hard.

    Taking time for yourself is not selfish, it is an investment in your well being.

    YOU are worth the effort.

    Become lighter.

    Become YOU.

    (P.S. Now, this will be so very hard to remember when my depression is bad. Hopefully I can come back to this post and get something small out of it when I need to, and I hope you can too.)

  • Let’s Get Running

    Looking ahead to the next year as a whole isn’t something that comes easy to me.

    Just typing this is making me itch with anxiety (for real, my arms are itchy).

    I have decided to start planning my races for next year. I will be running all as a Worth Living Run Ambassador to bring awareness to mental illness.

    I have already registered for the 15k distance at the Scotiabank BlueNose Marathon in June.

    I am registering for the Resolution Run this week.

    So far, I have these on the list as possible races:

    • Epic Canadian
    • Navy 10k
    • Maritime Race Weekend (or Canada Army Run)
    • Valley Harvest
    • Food Run

    These may change, but knowing that I gave my body the break it needed, and not looking to run anything over 15k, has me getting the “urge” to run again.

    Also, being back on medication and giving myself the time to heal up a bit mentally has helped so, so much as well.

    Setting these races up gives me something to work towards and are goals that are just big enough for some continuous motivation.

    Running as an Ambassador for something I am passionate about is a very big motivator for me. I am really looking forward to it.

    Okay, I need to stop itching, so I have to jet.

    Hope you’ll follow along with my running journey in 2019!!

  • A New Beginning

    Some changes are coming.

    This is one of them.

    Crazy Mama Runs is now Screaming Into The Void.

    Many things have changed over this past year. It was time for the blog to have a new name.

    The site will get a redesign, but it will still be the same old me.

    I will still be running, still be fighting, and will always share my good and my bad.

    So stick around, there will be a lot to discuss and new things that will be launched in the coming months that I look forward to sharing with you 🙂

    @scrmngin2thevoid

  • Not Racing…On Purpose

    As most of you know, I am taking this year off from racing. It wasn’t an easy decision and I went back and forth with it, until my body finally had enough, and yelled STOP!

    I am staying away from everything race related this year (well, I’m going to try) because I just need to.

    Do I miss it? Fuck yes.

    I am usually nearing the end of a training cycle right now, as the Scotiabank Bluenose Marathon (my usual spring half) is during our May long weekend.

    It has been weird, BUT…

    I have been working on my muscle imbalances.

    I am getting the rest I really need, physically and mentally. When racing and training starts messing with your head, it’s time to step back.

    I am still running, and it’s starting to become something I enjoy again (thanks to my awesome BRF).

    I am slowly getting my weight training back into my schedule, and I am considering looking at some PT sessions this summer to amp this up.

    I deleted my Garmin account (THE HORROR!) and I am using my Apple Watch to track my fitness.

    AND: There are days I do nothing fitness related.

    I admit that I was afraid of taking this year off.

    I was soooo scared of what may happen (read: freaked that I may not run AT ALL and not miss it).

    But now that I am 4 months in, I’m okay.

    Will I race next year? Don’t know.

    But if I don’t, it’s okay. Racing does not define who I am as a runner.

    That was my internal struggle. That is what I had to come to terms with. I don’t HAVE to race to call myself a runner.

    Racing is a such a personal thing. I loved racing to see where I could push myself physically and mentally.

    Once it becomes about other things, it’s no longer fun.

    So, for now, I am going to continue to enjoy my running on the track, road, and on the trails.

    See you out there fellow runners 🙂

    @crazymamaruns

  • Where Things Sit

    A very happy me (a sick me, lol) after a wonderful 5k at the Valley Harvest Marathon Weekend in Wolfville.

    As I sit here and type this post, it is Thanksgiving Monday in Canada.

    We had a great turkey feast yesterday, after a very early morning traveling so I could run a 5k at the 25th Anniversary of the Valley Harvest Marathon.

    I have a lingering head cold, and was thankful I felt well enough to run this beautiful course.

    I have one more run this season, the Food Run to support Feed Nova Scotia next weekend here in my neighbourhood.

    After having a great run yesterday in Wolfville, part of me started to question my decision to take a break from racing next year (I say this as I think…”well, maybe a few 5ks wouldn’t be so bad”, or “well, maybe some trail running would be better for me”, lol).  As runners we push ourselves to our physical and mental limits.  We question why we do this to ourselves as we run, but then bask in the afterglow.

    Running has always been cathartic for me.  I see things differently after a run.  It gives me a fresh perspective on things.  It connects me to my inner peace.

    The reality of the situation is this:  my body is out of balance.  My weak muscles are the ones that need to be strong, and my strong muscles are making up for the weak.  This is why I need to dial back and work on the imbalances.

    Mentally I need the break from the constant pressure I put myself under.  No one is harder on me, than me.  Trust me on that.

    The running community is a great source of support for me.  I can draw strength and ask for advice.  They do not judge.  They seek to understand and offer advice. I am grateful for that.  They see my back and forth as a struggle to do what’s right for me and my need to lace up and head out.

    I am truly looking forward to working on myself, taking the time to figure out my body at 45 years old, and find out what it is truly capable of.

    So, you’ll still see me out on the road, but you’ll also see me in the gym.  It’s part of the mind/body relationship I’ve ignored for too long.

    This is where things sit, and I’m really okay with it 🙂

    Hoping you’ll continue to come along with me to see where my running will take me down this fork in the road.

    @crazymamaruns