The Midlife Reframe

Category: mentalhealth

  • What To Do

    It has been quite some time since I have sat down and had the urge to write.

    So many changes.

    Some health issues resolved while others seem to be making a new appearance.

    I have been experiencing physical issues that I am going to see my family physician about: fatigue, headaches, itchy skin (and inner ears), and exacerbation of my psoriasis, amongst other things.

    I’m happy to say that I am feeling good on just my antidepressant. Coming off of Abilify was something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, but I have been successful.

    I turned 52 recently, and had my own revelations of my self worth, and what I willing to tolerate. This is going to come as a surprise to some, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice pieces of myself to make others whole.

    Alllllll of this doesn’t help with the fatigue, the lethargy.

    One of the things I really need to do, is get back to walking. My body is no longer in a state to run. The multiple injuries, body changes, the feeling of running through molasses, and the general loss of joy while doing so made me sit down and reevaluate how I would move forward with physical activity. I loved my 12 years of running, met some absolutely amazing people,and cherish those friendships.

    I am hoping during my visit with my physician, we can figure out if I am lacking something (iron, magnesium, Vitamin D, etc.) so I can get back to doing things that I love.

    I know I am at “that age”, and that I am going through changes. It’s also something I am currently struggling with.

    Navigating all this is challenging.

    Standing up for myself is scary, and long overdue.

    What does the road ahead look like?

    Not sure, but willing to face whatever comes, because I have an amazing support system.

    As I start coming back into my own, be sure that I will be keeping up with my writing.

    Stay tuned as I move forward on this new path!

  • Check In: First Week on Lower Antipsychotic Dose

    It’s been a full week.

    Things I have noticed:

    – a little fatigued

    – sometimes a little irritable

    – still leg bouncing

    – working through an anxiety spike is challenging

    I can say that’s been all so far. It’s really not that bad all things considered. I think the leg bouncing is more of a comfort mechanism more than anything, so that’s not such a big deal.

    Had a little moment yesterday where I worked my way through an anxiety spike. I did it without chewing the skin around my fingernails, so that was a win for sure.

    I’m letting myself feel the feelings, and talking my way through them, instead of trying to suppress everything like I used to do. Thankful for the tips therapy has provided in that regard.

    This will be my last week on the lower dose, then I will be completely off Abilify. I will be on vacation for the end of the med, which is good, in case things go a little wonky.

    Will keep you all in the loop once I totally come off and let you know how I am doing.

    Fingers crossed the symptoms stay as they have been!

    Until next time.

  • Bye Bye AntiPsychotic

    It’s been almost a week of me weaning off my antipsychotic.

    This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. There were various discussions with my team.

    Having therapy every two weeks has made a big difference in my anxiety levels, and I am chewing the skin around my fingernails less.

    Being fortunate enough to have therapy as often as I do was one of the biggest factors in this decision.

    Learning new coping skills has been a great help.

    I’m still bouncing my leg, but I think that may also be a habit now more than anything. My leg bouncers will get it. It’s almost comforting at times.

    I have one more week of weaning and then I am off completely.

    Am I worried?

    A little.

    But I know I have the supports in place, and if necessary I can go back on the lower dose.

    So, let’s hope I make out okay on this little journey.

    Stay tuned for an update after I am fully done!

  • Growth

    I’ve been on a journey.

    Through therapy I have found that I am growing and learning.

    With my new relationship I am in a safe space, and it has allowed me to open up and not be afraid of expressing myself.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, because I still have them.

    I’m getting better at explaining how I feel on those days, and I am coping better.

    I’ve started reading again, and I am opening up myself to learning new things, both at work and home.

    Am I scared? Yep.

    Scared of feeling okay, scared of things going south, and scared of getting hurt. But that’s okay. It’s normal to be feeling these things.

    I’m no longer shoving those feelings down to “deal with later”. I’m learning to be uncomfortable to get to being comfortable.

    It’s a day by day thing, and it’s not going to be easy.

    But I’m ready.

  • Goodbye Foundation

    And eyeliner.

    And mascara.

    And bronzer.

    I have been slowly transitioning to a tinted moisturizer.

    I have gotten to the point where I am just not into foundation anymore. It doesn’t feel good on my face and it has ruined the collars on my coats.

    Also, good foundation is expensive, and I’m done shelling out money that could be put towards things I really need.

    My priorities are shifting. I no longer need to look a certain way, or to hide behind foundation (which I was doing, it was a mask for me).

    Today was day one (outside of weekends) of my journey with just tinted moisturizer.

    I found this brand via social media, and get it through Amazon.

    It’s light and has an SPF. My face feels great.

    I will admit, I was very self conscious. My daughter and her friend were my hype women when I got home today and announced I had done my first work day without makeup (get yourself some hype women, it’s worth it).

    I don’t even think anyone really noticed to be honest.

    It felt freeing, AND it gave me back precious time in the morning when getting ready for work.

    I’m also curious to see if my skin does its weird little breakouts now that I’ve moved on. Also, how will my brain try to sabotage me? That’s the big question.

    Stay tuned. I’ll be sharing more of this journey in the coming weeks!

  • And So We Begin Again

    My first Parkrun, but starting out walking

    So.

    Running.

    Haven’t been doing it regular like.

    Decided I really need to, for my mental health more than anything.

    So this weekend I went to my first Parkrun.

    For those of you who are unfamiliar, Parkrun is a free timed 5k event run by volunteers. You register, get a barcode, and take that barcode with you to the event.

    You can run, walk, or run/walk the event. At the end you scan your barcode and the chip they give you. Your time is recorded and that’s it!

    I was thankful to run into friends for my first time around. We started out walking and the did a nice slow pace for running. It was a great way to get back into something I’ve been doing since 2011. I really moss getting out and hitting the pavement for some stress relief.

    I’ll be taking it slow and steady through the winter months, hopefully building up a good base for the spring/summer.

    I am looking at races and may wait until the spring/summer to tackle those, we’ll see how the winter treats me!

    For now, some small trips around the neighbourhood and Parkrun on Saturdays to start.

    So glad I took the first step this weekend.

    Here’s to more KMs under my belt!

  • It’s That Weird Time

    You know, those days in between Christmas and the New Year where you can’t remember what day it is and you’re eating chocolate for breakfast…and living in your sweatpants.

    It’s also when people start reflecting and thinking about the year to come.

    You know what?

    It’s okay to not have resolutions. It’s okay to not have a plan for 2024. I don’t have one. Nor do I do resolutions. It’s too hard on my brain. Also, I would self sabotage so there really is no point.

    My mental illness would go into overdrive and I am not risking my mental health setting up expectations that I can’t reach.

    I’m going to take things day by day. Like I am now. I woke up with no plans and I’m just playing it by ear. Do I get restless? Yes. But then I just try and find something to occupy my time. I ask myself why I am restless and narrow it down to what I need (a snack, water, get outside, human interaction).

    I can usually calm my restlessness. If I can’t, I hop in the car and go for a drive.

    Naps also work, lol.

    So don’t stress if you don’t have it all figured out for 2024. Just worry about today. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

  • Do You Trust Your Instincts?

    That is the writing prompt of the day.

    I don’t think I’m trusting them as much as I should.

    I tend to doubt my instincts thanks to my mentally ill brain.

    I have, on more than one occasion, kicked myself in the arse for not trusting what my gut tells me. I always want to see the good in people. But that has burned me a few times in the past.

    So then the doubt kicks in. Is my gut right? Is this a false negative? Or a false positive? Should I really trust what my gut is telling me, or is it my brain interfering?

    That is my struggle. But more often than not, my instincts are right.

    It’s a matter of trust. I need to start trusting what my instincts are telling me.

    Trust, that’s a whole other issue, lol.

    There are times I can’t trust my brain, so attempting to trust my instincts creates some inner turmoil.

    I need to stop thinking that I need to react immediately and take the time to think about what I am doing in making the decision when it is time.

    Flight or freeze really creates issues in my world. I need to find a happy medium to get back in the green zone.

    It will take some time, but I think that slowing down and not immediately reacting (unless it’s necessary) will help me out.

    Fingers crossed. Let’s see how it goes!

  • Little Bit of This…..

    Coming to the end of a two week vacation. It was sorely needed. I kind of wish I had some more time, lol.

    I’m going into month three on Pristiq, and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m going into the next two months hopeful that this dose is where I need to be. I mean, it can be increased, and I would be okay with that.

    The only thing that seems to be steady is my innate desire to sleep, lol. I’m staying awake better into the evening, but want to sleep forever in the morning. That may take time to sort itself out.

    The month of July zoomed by, and I can’t believe we are into August. Soon it will be spooky season. One of my favourite times!

    Not that I am wishing summer away, but this summer has been less than ideal with wildfires and flash floods in the last few months. Humid and hot. I’m up for some steady temps and lots of sunshine.

    Been crocheting a lot, and it’s helped to keep my brain focused. Making some things for friends, some Christmas gifts (yep, need to start that now), and testing out some Amugurimi toys.

    The start of a Amugurimi doll

    Going into this week rested, and with a new outlook.

    Hoping the latter part of this year improves, with no other natural disasters on the horizon.

    Here’s to later summer/early fall, and to time focused on what’s important.

  • New Meds All Around!!

    So it’s not only me with some new meds, my daughter has been prescribed something new as well.

    It hasn’t been easy these past few months with her trialing ADHD meds. She started out on Biphentin, and when that wasn’t working out, moved onto Vyvanse.

    The Vyvanse was definitely an experience. She was overstimulated ALL THE TIME, and it was like she was manic. I started questioning whether there was something deeper here that we weren’t seeing.

    I made an appointment with our family doctor (she is Val’s doctor too, and delivered her as well) to express my concerns with the mood swings, the manic type behaviour and her depression. Then, by some sort of weird coincidence, Val told me she had made an appointment with the doc right after my phone call with her.

    We found a psychiatrist close to home that bills through MSI for an assessment and some therapy, so at her appointment, Val mentioned that to our doctor. She sent off the referral that day. It is time we get a concrete diagnosis for her mental illnesses so we can manage it properly.

    Needless to say, the doc told her to immediately stop taking the Vyvanse and to just stay on her Sertraline. We waited two weeks for her system to regulate.

    We just saw the doc the other day, where I attended to help corroborate her symptoms. At this time, she is adding some Wellbutrin as a boost for the Sertraline. She told us that she had yet to hear from the psychiatrist, but hopes it will be soon.

    So we are moving forward in the right direction, but it has been hard watching Val struggle with all of this.

    She’s been amazing though, and keeps on giving what she has to get better.

    My hope is that we hear from the psychiatrist soon. That will be the determining factor in medication management and a better future.

    So, the roller coaster keeps rolling, and we keep riding.

    Hopefully we’ll be able to get off soon and move to the lazy river!