The Midlife Reframe

Category: mentalhealth

  • Roll the Dice

    Each day I wake up and roll the dice.

    These aren’t your regular dice. These are special mental illness dice.

    Sometimes I roll a good day. These days I don’t doubt myself, and I am not exhausted from fighting my brain.

    Sometimes I roll a bad day, and I want to crawl back into bed. These days I am at my most vulnerable. You won’t know when I am having these days, because I’ll hide it.

    Most days I roll a mediocre day. I will get through it without too much self doubt. My brain will try its best to beat me down, but I will have just enough fight in me to fend off the negativity.

    Thankfully, it’s been along time since I haven’t wanted to roll the dice at all. Those days are dangerous because I am at the bottom of the rabbit hole and can’t see my way out. Fuck the dice, how about a goddamn rope to pull me up.

    I know that some will say “Why do you even have these dice?”

    I need them.

    These dice are my saving grace some days.

    They allow me the opportunity to face down what may inevitably screw me over. I can be my own worst enemy. If I know what lies ahead, I can prepare myself.

    So, I guess you can say they’re a part of my toolbox. Like my meds they can’t cure my mental illness, but they can help me navigate it.

    And if you’re wondering, my dice are purple 😉

  • Running as a Mentor

    This year, I applied to be a Team Myles Mentor (Blue Nose Marathon). After my amazing experience with the Team late last year as an Ambassador, and a nudge from one of the previous mentors, I decided to share my love of Team Myles and running with others.

    The Ambassadors apply and can run the 5k and/or the 10k with Team Myles. In the end, we are all training for the 10k, and some folks have already run that distance in their training program!

    Watching this group of Ambassadors (some who have never run before) show up every day, for themselves and for their teammates, has really filled a hole for me. It is inspiring to say the least, and to see the smiles as everyone completes their long runs and hills training.

    Yes, there are the moments where they think they won’t be able to do it, but they do. A gentle reminder that it’s their race at their pace and they are back at it. The cheers from their teammates give them that extra boost as well.

    We have some amazing coaches that warm us up, and cool us down. Their program is slow and steady. So many Ambassadors have surprised themselves with what they have accomplished so far.

    To be able to support the Ambassadors has been so rewarding. I can’t even put into words how I feel to see them progress every week. Not only am I supporting them, but they are supporting me.

    We just started week 7 of training. The race is the long weekend in May.

    These Ambassadors have it in the bag.

    I am so proud of each and every one.

    Love my GangGreen.

    Love Team Myles.

    Love being a Mentor.

  • Feels Like a Circle

    Mental illness has seasons, well, mine does at least.

    It’s like a circle. I’m in the middle, watching the seasons go by. I can’t touch the outer ring because I am stuck in place. I can’t make the circle bigger, or break the ring. I just sit, and watch it.

    The seasons that are out of my peripheral vision, those are my good moments. I can always see my bad ones, even if I want to deny them.

    I can’t dictate how fast the seasons move around the circle. The illness does.

    When I am in survival mode, I build a small fortress in the middle. Problem is, I can’t see the seasons pass. Self preservation is paramount and I can’t take the focus off of that.

    I am in the fortress now. It’s safe in here, but I am on the defensive. Always on high alert.

    It’s exhausting in here. I miss watching the seasons pass. In the fortress it is always winter. Grey, cold, lifeless.

    I know if I break down the walls the seasons will return to the circle.

    I am afraid of feeling good. I am afraid to feel, period. But if I don’t get out of here, I’ll become numb and go down the rabbit hole.

    This week I’ve been knocking some bricks out of the wall. I’ve made peace with a couple of things that have been chewing in my ear.

    Next week will be hard. I will ask for help with some things, which will give me some footing to keep going.

    Slowly the seasons will start moving around the circle again. I won’t be in the eternal winter sitting in this fortress. The more bricks I destroy the better, even though it’s hard.

    I am hoping I will be happy to see the sun, and to breathe the fresh air. I really need it right now.

    It’s time to be vulnerable, and be open to what is coming my way.

    Scared? Oh hell yes.

    Oh hell yes.

  • What I’m Leaving Behind

    Well, here we are. 2022.

    I’ve decided there are things I am leaving behind in 2021, because they no longer serve me.

    I am keeping myself open to good things. Leaving behind my fear of not being good enough to receive the good things.

    I am owning my faults. Leaving behind the thought that I need to be perfect. I am embracing my full self.

    I am also leaving behind the thought that my body is ugly. I embrace the beauty of this vessel I have been given to live in.

    I am leaving behind the thought that I am unlovable. I am so loveable it’s crazy.

    I am leaving behind my jaded views. They only bog me down.

    I am on a mission to find the joy in simple things, leaving behind the idea that the big things are the only joyful things in my life.

    I will be easier on myself, leaving behind the idea that I need to be hard on myself to be better.

    I am always learning, and will not be ashamed to say so, leaving behind the shame.

    I will no longer run away from the good things in my life, nor will I back down when challenged.

    This will take work, bit I am willing to do it. There is still so much of my life to live, and I want to LIVE it.

    Let’s do this.

  • Not Feeling It

    Usually I am a Christmas Junkie.

    I usually love decorating and watching allllll the cheesy Hallmark Movies. It’s my kiddo that has a hard time with this season.

    This year, it’s me. I’m having a hard time. This past week has been rough. Today I just want to crawl back into bed and let the day pass by.

    Not even the Christmas music at the grocery store cheered me up.

    Yesterday, I ran a Toy Trot. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good.

    I am just struggling to find my joy this season. I know I have it. I really want to be full of cheer, but I can’t force it, and I won’t.

    I know that if this (my feelings of helplessness, loss of interest in the things I love, sadness, anger) continues any longer I’ll have to talk to the Doc. Bouts of intense depression require something more than just joyful movies and music and decorations.

    I know this time of year is hard on a lot of folks, and I hope that we can all make it through.

    I am lucky to still have my kiddo living with me. She gets it and knows that you can’t force someone to be happy, so she lets me be melancholy and ride it out, all while checking on me.

    Some people aren’t as lucky, and don’t have someone living with them who can just be there. Check in on your quiet friends, your overly happy friends, your friends that say they’re okay.

    Sometimes we’re not, and try and fake it until we break. Because we can’t make it.

    Here’s to hoping this next week is a better one. Here’s to hoping that this overwhelming blast of depression doesn’t bog me down and require a med change.

    Here’s to all of you out there trying to get through.

    I see you ❤️

  • And She Did It

    It’s been a few weeks since my 10km race.

    It’s taken me that long to process this journey, one that I needed to go on to find my running mojo again.

    Running with Team Myles was an amazing experience. One I will never forget.

    I’ve made some new running friends, and I’ve even joined a local running group which runs every Monday evening and hosts other running events.

    The thing I will have to keep in check though, is my brain. It is really having a hard time with me running again.

    It has tried to revolt. It even tells me how awful I am now that I am slower than I used to be. It whispers “why even bother?” in my ear.

    One thing that running with Team Myles has reiterated is that it is MY PACE that I run at. I’ve changed. My body has changed. My pace has changed, and that’s okay.

    Running is meant to be enjoyable for me. To get caught up in the time/pace vortex would just throw me into a mental space where my obsession would take over. I’ve been there before, and it’s not always good for me.

    Training for a race at my new pace was a great experience. Training with a group of people running at different paces really made me appreciate the effort put forth by every single person that showed up.

    That’s the whole point: showing up.

    Showing up for yourself.

    Acknowledging YOUR effort.

    Appreciating what the body is capable of. It’s an amazing piece of machinery.

    I am willing to keep at it, and to fight my brain telling me why I shouldn’t.

    They say running is a mental game.

    I’m at the start again, and each move will be a challenge.

    I just have to keep rolling the dice.

  • Oh My God, Frig Off Already

    Imposter Syndrome.

    It’s riding my ass hard today. I’m also restless and annoyed.

    These days are hard, because the inner conflict takes over and all I want to do is stay in bed and eat crap.

    Thankfully I had things to do that made me get out of bed: a Microsoft Teams meeting, laundry, and the need to eat, lol.

    I am so frustrated with feeling like this. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to cry but I can’t.

    Deep inside I know that what I am telling myself is a bunch of bullshit, but my brain is taking it all in, like some bad documentary that I can’t turn off.

    Knowing that this will pass helps a little bit, but in the moment, I just want to scream. To shake it out of me.

    Not being able to come out of this funk, this instability, is really making today hard.

    So, today can suck it.

    Tomorrow I may be out of this tornado, or I may not.

    For now, I’ll just get through today.

    Frig off brain.

    Frig off.

  • Running? Really?

    I ran an actual “in person” race recently. It was a small event, with three different distances (4km, 6km, 8km). It was a lot of beach running.

    I did the 4km distance because who am I kidding, my running has been subpar lately. I knew in my inner being that the smallest distance would be the best choice for my disengaged body/mind.

    I drove down with my fellow co-founder of Road Warriors, Shannon. We booked a motel room for the night and made it into a girls road trip.

    The views from the motel were amazing, and we were super close to the beach.

    Sunset

    My run was a struggle. I fought my mind and body the whole way. There was no connection, no endorphin rush and no joy. I ran my worst 4km run ever.

    I’d like to blame it on running in the sand, in not fuelling properly (not a lot of restaurants where we were – hello, Subway for supper), in not training enough.

    Truth is, it was just a crappy run. One I struggled with. Mentally, I couldn’t fight the defeat in my head. Physically, my body listened to my brain. Complete disconnect from my soul.

    My win from this: I finished it, even when I seriously thought of running into the ocean and not finishing the race at all.

    I am starting another running journey soon, and I am really looking forward to the challenge and the sense of community it will bring.

    Keep your eyes peeled for posts on my next adventure, starting up next week!

  • Bend in the Road

    Sometimes my depression veers off course.

    It surprises me by taking its foot off the gas.

    I start feeling not so tired, not so hopeless.

    Now is one of those times. I am not in bed so early. I can stay up and get things done. Although getting out of bed is still hard, I am taking my evening “awake time” as a positive step forward to a little bit of normal.

    I don’t know how long this will last, and it could only be for a short while. Part of me wants to do ALL THE THINGS before this goes away. I know that is setting an unreasonable expectation, so I pump my breaks and cool down.

    It’s time for me to just appreciate this extra time in my evening and enjoy it.

    I always worry when I get extra time in my day. It makes me anxious that it will be extremely short lived.

    For now, I am taking it day by day. Giving myself permission to do what I wish with my extra time.

    No sense giving myself extreme anxiety over how long it may last.

    Instead, I will overthink the crap out of something I did or didn’t do, because that’s how my brain works.

    One step forward 😉

  • Weighted

    I’ve gained weight. Gone up 4 sizes as a matter of fact.

    It’s happened over the past few years.

    As part of my journey to self acceptance, I’ve struggled with this extra weight on my body.

    Societal issues with body image has done a number on my head, and it hasn’t been easy accepting where I am at right now.

    Being gentle with myself isn’t easy. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my body.

    Mentally, it’s even worse. Having been in an emotionally abusive long term relationship does a number on you. Seeing rolls meant I would come under fire. But being “skinny” meant I was also a target for other men’s attention. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Always under fire, always on alert.

    That has stuck with me for a very long time.

    I have been thankful lately to the body positivity movement for shifting the narrative.

    Shifting my narrative is going to take some time. Acknowledging that my body is a power house is my first step. I’ve harboured a human life in this body. I’ve run half marathons with this body. I am surviving a pandemic with this body. I will continue to do great things with this body, no matter what.

    Instead of trying to “get back to where I was”, I am working with what I have. I still run, I still workout. Instead of focusing on losing weight, I am focused on staying strong and healthy.

    Starting now, I am treating my body with kindness instead of disdain. It deserves kindness, and I deserve kindness, especially after all these years thinking I HAD to look a certain way to be accepted.

    I may not be a “perfect 10”, but goddammit I am a “perfect 14”.