The Midlife Reframe

Category: anxious

  • Am I Still Stressed? I think I’m Still Stressed

    Fidget Ball

    There was this little span of time.

    Just a little one.

    I thought that I was in “recovery”.

    Dear Friends,

    I was not in recovery. It was a facade I had willingly accepted because I needed to be okay. I needed to NOT be in burnout. The fatigue is still there. My motivation, gone. I want to sleep…ALL THE TIME. It takes everything in me to get up and get going. I just DON’T WANT TO.

    I have been here before.

    I would rather not be here.

    I tend to hermit in these conditions. Isolation is my solace.

    I don’t have the energy most days to connect. I want to come home after work and sleep.

    This isn’t good for anyone.

    I honestly do not know where to start. How do I turn this around? Can I turn this around?

    Can I survive this, again?

    I ponder this every morning. Can I conjure up a plan that will work?

    I’m surrounded by people I love at home. They help me as much as they can. But there are things that only I can do.

    So I need to start writing things out. Feelings, thoughts, ideas.

    Maybe then I can navigate this world I am in.

    This post is not exactly uplifting, but I’ve always been real about where I am when I write.

    So until I dig out, it’s not going to be good times. There may be a glimmer of good every now and then, so if you can be patient as I navigate these bends in the road, I would like to share those glimmers as well.

    Take care of yourselves. Don’t get too encompassed by the news. Disconnect every now and then.

    I’m off to bed, hopefully get a good sleep, and start again tomorrow.

  • Checking In

    I feel like I need to keep writing. To get everything out so I’m not compartmentalizing.

    I’m fucking exhausted, of everything.

    Had a big ugly cry last night, which has resulted in a headache this morning.

    Facing things head on is not easy, and it’s hard. NOT A FAN, but it needs to be done. Therapy helps for sure. I’m absolutely more vulnerable after therapy, it’s like the ball rolling into 10 pins.

    Reality sucks.

    I’m thankful for many things. Having the supports in place outside of work is paramount.

    Having a small circle of people I can trust at work has made it bearable.

    My support human is now making sure I start getting outside and seeing other adult humans, because I’ve been in hermit mode. Great for depression and mental health crisis…NOT good for mental health recovery.

    I’m going to keep writing, and it may be rough going. I need to do this. But I’m going to share the good stuff too!

    So if you can bear with me while I work my way through this maze…we can come out on the other side, together 🤍

  • The State of Things

    I’ve been absent.

    The world has been chaotic.

    I’m really all over the place right now, and I am absolutely exhausted.

    Navigating all of this world political landscape, while in late perimenopause, is challenging to say the least.

    I’m sad, angry, frightened, frustrated, and the list goes on.

    I’m not even American, yet the daily ramblings and decisions of a deranged orange blob is affecting me greatly.

    What lies ahead for the world in these next four years? As a Canadian, with said orange blob blathering on incessantly about making Canada the “51st State”, it is becoming harder to contain emotions.

    Are we any better? We have our transgressions, our shaded history. What makes us different?

    I would like to think that we would not go that route in our next election, but having seen what has happened since 2020 with Covid and all that followed, I can’t be sure.

    I can say this: I will speak up and out when I can. I will defend what I can. I will fight if I need to.

    For those who are suffering because of the recent events, I see you.

    I will do what I can, no matter how small.

  • Check In: First Week on Lower Antipsychotic Dose

    It’s been a full week.

    Things I have noticed:

    – a little fatigued

    – sometimes a little irritable

    – still leg bouncing

    – working through an anxiety spike is challenging

    I can say that’s been all so far. It’s really not that bad all things considered. I think the leg bouncing is more of a comfort mechanism more than anything, so that’s not such a big deal.

    Had a little moment yesterday where I worked my way through an anxiety spike. I did it without chewing the skin around my fingernails, so that was a win for sure.

    I’m letting myself feel the feelings, and talking my way through them, instead of trying to suppress everything like I used to do. Thankful for the tips therapy has provided in that regard.

    This will be my last week on the lower dose, then I will be completely off Abilify. I will be on vacation for the end of the med, which is good, in case things go a little wonky.

    Will keep you all in the loop once I totally come off and let you know how I am doing.

    Fingers crossed the symptoms stay as they have been!

    Until next time.

  • Bye Bye AntiPsychotic

    It’s been almost a week of me weaning off my antipsychotic.

    This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. There were various discussions with my team.

    Having therapy every two weeks has made a big difference in my anxiety levels, and I am chewing the skin around my fingernails less.

    Being fortunate enough to have therapy as often as I do was one of the biggest factors in this decision.

    Learning new coping skills has been a great help.

    I’m still bouncing my leg, but I think that may also be a habit now more than anything. My leg bouncers will get it. It’s almost comforting at times.

    I have one more week of weaning and then I am off completely.

    Am I worried?

    A little.

    But I know I have the supports in place, and if necessary I can go back on the lower dose.

    So, let’s hope I make out okay on this little journey.

    Stay tuned for an update after I am fully done!

  • Paranoia

    Anxiety is full tilt lately.

    While I started working today, I had that sinking feeling: this usually snowballs into paranoia. Is someone coming after me for something I said? Am I getting fired? What if I fucked something up and no one is saying anything? Am I overstepping? Why is no one answering my emails?

    Today, the solution may be simple, because I realized I forgot to take my meds when I woke up. Luckily I am working at home today (it’s therapy day) so I was able to take them. Hopefully I’ll start to even out within the hour.

    Other days it may not be so easy. Other days I have to use other methods to even myself out. Sometimes that full on means telling people that I am in a state of flight. It is scary, but if people know where I am at, they tend to alleviate my worst fears.

    I’m not always forthcoming though, and it is to my detriment. Keeping these feelings inside just makes things worse, and really solves nothing. Part of my journey is to start expressing where I am at. To say things out loud so that they can be addressed.

    So today, I am saying it out loud: I forgot to take my meds and I am feeling paranoid.

    I’m going to get outside at lunch, and get some fresh air. Take in some of my surroundings. Just decompress so I don’t wind myself up.

    Thankful for therapy later this afternoon. I’m in need of it today!

  • Oh My God, Frig Off Already

    Imposter Syndrome.

    It’s riding my ass hard today. I’m also restless and annoyed.

    These days are hard, because the inner conflict takes over and all I want to do is stay in bed and eat crap.

    Thankfully I had things to do that made me get out of bed: a Microsoft Teams meeting, laundry, and the need to eat, lol.

    I am so frustrated with feeling like this. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to cry but I can’t.

    Deep inside I know that what I am telling myself is a bunch of bullshit, but my brain is taking it all in, like some bad documentary that I can’t turn off.

    Knowing that this will pass helps a little bit, but in the moment, I just want to scream. To shake it out of me.

    Not being able to come out of this funk, this instability, is really making today hard.

    So, today can suck it.

    Tomorrow I may be out of this tornado, or I may not.

    For now, I’ll just get through today.

    Frig off brain.

    Frig off.

  • I Just Don’t Know Anymore

    I have had to stop asking myself “What will today bring?”

    The past few months have had it’s bad, and it’s good.

    The world is still in a pandemic and my neighbours to the South are imploding.

    I am glad the big orange cheeto is on his way out the door, but holy moly guys. I mean, I am not saying that couldn’t happen here, because it sure as well could. The world is just becoming freaking scary.

    Every day brings with it more of the unknown, and I already have a problem with my OWN unknown. If I could sleep through all of it and wake up on the other side I probably would. But, I can’t, so I maneuver my daily mental illness around whatever the chaos de jour is and hope I don’t implode.

    I am trying yoga again, and hoping that leads to running more consistently. My flexibility and balance need a lot of work. I am pretty tight, so keeping up with the yoga WHILE I am consistently running will be key. I just need to keep moving to relieve my stress and anxiety.

    Sleep? Now there is an area I do not have a problem in right now. My depression keeps me sleeping like a log. I guess I am thankful for that, because if I didn’t have my sleep it would not be good.

    I know I usually do a post ushering out the old year and one post ushering in the new, but the whole pandemic and what not have really frigged with my brain this year and I just couldn’t.

    I am not on the negative train here. I am just so overwhelmed and out of whack with all the turmoil that I am guarding all my joy. I am keeping it tucked away and peek at it when I really need it.

    I will be sharing some joy, I promise. It’s just going to take a while for me to let my guard down.

    Hang on. We can get through all of this.

    Just, hang on.

    Breathe.

  • These Precious Illusions

    It’s hard to keep smiling these days. I do my best to find something in each day that makes me happy, or gives me a smile.

    I am lucky to have my daughter living with me during this surreal time. We make each other laugh, and are there for each other when things are not so funny.

    I’d like to think this whole pandemic will be over sooner rather than later.

    Illusions of summer drives, family gatherings, vacations, going to Farmers Markets and being able to just enjoy waterfront walks constantly fill my head.

    Reality on the other hand, bites.

    I am slowly getting used to working at home. Having the opportunity to do so is something I am extremely grateful for during these times, but doing it every single day without human contact with my team and colleagues is challenging.

    I ordered a chair which should get to me by early May, as I am now sitting on a dining room chair at my desk. My daily breaks are news pressers.

    I know I should take a break from the news, but it’s wanting to be in the know that keeps me partially sane. Weird, I know. You’d think that I would want to shield myself to keep my mental health stable.

    I hang on to what I can control right now, in a world out of control.

    Times have changed. It’s like living in a nightmare .

    So, I keep day dreaming of better days. Keeping those precious illusions close.

  • I’m Scared to Death

    Just back from Cuba. I am well rested and full of anxiety!

    On Monday, I am starting a new position. I will be the Manager of my group. To say I’m not scared would be a big fat lie. I’m scared to death.

    It’s not that I will be working with a whole new group of people. I’m not. It’s the fact that I will be managing my former colleagues. I will be responsible for making decisions regarding my group and it’s direction.

    I know I’m capable. I know I can do this job. I deserve it. But that big self doubt monster looms over me like a raging thunderstorm. I fight with it every day, but even more so now.

    A big thing I struggle with is my confidence. I always think I am not good enough and that struggle will drain me some days. My depression likes to yell obscenities at me and turn me into a big pile of goo.

    So, every day when I get up, I have to remind myself that I’m a capable human being. It’s part of why running is important to my well being. It reminds me of what I can accomplish, what I’m capable of.

    Keeping myself focused and moving forward is my daily goal right now.

    And yes, I will go back and re-read my own posts to remind myself that I can get out of my own way.

    On my darkest days, I need these reminders.