The Midlife Reframe

Tag: writing

  • I Can’t Remember Anything….or Can I?

    Is she thinking? Is she plotting? Does she know anything?

    I can tell you two things.

    I know what I know. I also know what I don’t know.

    Still, there are moments when answers don’t come as quickly as they used to, and those moments shake my confidence. In a world where information is a thumb‑tap away, we expect instant answers. That expectation makes uncertainty feel like failure.

    When I first started working, you wrote letters and waited a week or two for a reply. You picked up a desk phone and called someone to resolve an issue. There was time built into the process — time to think, to gather facts, to let an answer settle. It’s no wonder anxiety has risen. We are not given time to work through problems before we respond. We have been conditioned to be “on” all the time.

    For years the grind was worn like a badge. I have been through a lot and worked on very difficult projects. I have learned — finally, I hope — that working without living is harmful. Being constantly “on” is what makes me stumble: anxiety rises, my thoughts tangle, and I don’t give myself the space to really consider what I’m being asked.

    Now that I am seasoned (read: over 50, lol), there are times when my train of thought simply disappears. It’s gone, and panic follows. I worry they will think I’m not knowledgeable, that they will doubt my expertise.

    Then the voice in my head: AM I LOSING MY MIND? (Reader, she was not losing her mind.)

    The key for me is to pause. Pausing lets the crossed wires uncross themselves. It reminds me that I do know things, and that clarity often comes after rest. To be responsive and helpful I need recovery time.

    Boundaries about when I am available are now at the top of my list. I carve out the first part of my morning to review new emails and requests from the day before. That quiet window helps me prioritize what needs attention and what can wait. I have also blocked out my lunch hour. It’s making a big difference: I’m not fighting to stay awake at 3 p.m., and I’m more able to listen — really listen — instead of rushing to respond.

    Slowing down doesn’t mean falling behind. It means giving myself the time to think, recover, and show up with the clarity my work deserves.

  • Books….Learning….and How I get Through Brain Freeze

    Reading….

    It has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.

    In elementary school, when a new reader arrived at the start of the year, I would hide it in my room and read long after lights-out. In sixth grade, summer meant trips to the base library every other day, returning with six or seven small novellas and devouring them all.


    When my daughter was born, I began buying books for her and raising her to love the library and choose her own stories. I’ve always been a tactile reader who loved the feel and smell of a new book. The Kindle changed that habit by letting me carry a whole shelf in one device, and I eagerly gobbled up everything I could.


    Coursework, however, felt different. It lacked the plot and escape of fiction and required a different kind of attention. Learning—especially subjects I’d struggled with as a child, like math—became a deliberate journey. In IT, reading is unavoidable; the field is intricate and data-driven, and while some concepts came naturally, others required steady, piece-by-piece effort.

    Earning my ACEDS certification meant practicing daily and taking the material in manageable chunks. My Legal Project Management course was fascinating and at times intense.


    I usually learn best by writing.

    Sometimes that means handwriting notes; other times it’s dumping my thoughts into a Word document until the ideas settle.

    This will often get me through the brain freeze, unless the freeze is caused by Carl the Saboteur telling me I am NOT smart enough to be reading *insert smart material here*.

    Carl is an ass, but most times he is there for a reason, even though there are times I do not know what the reason is.

    It’s in those moments that I need to sit with someone who I can legit word vomit to and work through that doubt with.

    Then there are times where I just have to stop, and it becomes a “tomorrow problem”.

    I mean, your brain needs a break too.

    If you wouldn’t mind, I would love to hear your tricks and tips for getting through the brain freeze when reading/studying, so please share in the comments and we can all make our own cheat sheets.

    Until next week…

  • My Brain, Featuring Depression and Anxiety: Overthinking, a Look Into Why I Think The Way I Do

    My Bitmoji: She’s not impressed

    The one thing that has always thrown me into full throttle overthinking is when I was starting a new journey.

    No matter what it was: a course, a position, a life event, I would overthink that thing into OBLIVION. If someone said “Have you thought about….” And I would stop them right there. I would ask the question: “You mean *insert thing here*?”

    If I do not overthink it at the beginning, it is coming. Could be in the middle, or my favourite, AT THE END.

    Once something is over, look out. I will chew on that until it bleeds.

    While you may be thinking most of this is great, because I have considered every angle (I mean sure, I most likely have), I am going to tell you a secret…

    This is what holds me back. It will stop me from moving forward because I will hyper focus on the things that could possibly go wrong.

    See what happens here? It’s a vicious cycle.

    When I overcome a hurdle, it seems like I end up choosing a different, very curvy road. A road I know has been well travelled. A road that I now need to look at through a very uber science-y telescope.

    Sometimes I will write things down and read them over to see if I am going down an unnecessary path to insanity.

    Other times I will write to someone I trust, and genuinely ask them if I am crazy (they usually say no…except the smartass ones, they pile onto why I am crazy and then we laugh and I feel better).

    There is the three deep breaths rule I have been following. If I find my heart start to race and my attention all over in different directions, I stop and take three deep breaths.

    It restarts my thought process.

    Getting up and “doing some laps” around the office helps, especially if it leads to someone you can word vomit with.

    Finding that confidence, that nugget of “frig yeah I know this” is not always easy.

    I will often remind myself that if I didn’t know what I was doing, I would be unemployed, and the fact that I HAVE been employed since my teenage years (minus childbirth and my mental breakdown) really speaks for itself.

    So, if you have been in the bucket of self doubt, you’re not alone. Look around you, the bucket is definitely not empty.

  • Change

    Change. That’s a word that can cause nausea.

    And whether it is professional or personal, change is a big deal.

    How you communicate that change is even more important — and it depends on the circumstances and the people involved.

    I grew up as a military brat. Change happened every 3-4 years, and it was out of my control. The older I got, the more I despised that part of my life. We would JUST get settled, and into a groove…then the posting message would arrive.

    Now that I look back, being in a military family prepared me for change, in all facets of my life. Do I like change? Not always, even when I know it is necessary. Change means you are deviating from your well-established groove. Even when the change is a good one — better efficiencies at work, a new and exciting career move, or a fresh start in a new city — you’re still out of your comfort zone.

    If you know a change is coming and you have some leeway, it’s always best to bring in the people it will affect as early as you can. When people KNOW what’s happening and have space to ask questions and process it, it makes the whole experience feel a little less overwhelming — and buy‑in becomes so much easier.

    When people are included in a change, they feel like they’re part of something — and that sense of belonging matters.

    I know that sometimes change happens without any notice, and sometimes it’s completely beyond YOUR control. You’re left dealing with the fallout. Change under pressure tests you, pokes at you, and it can really sting. In those moments, being as transparent as you can about what you know — and acknowledging that the situation isn’t ideal — helps. Working together as a team to move forward can make that kind of change feel a little less heavy.

    I’m about to start a new position on Monday, and while I’ve had time to decompress and recharge (thank you, Oceanstone — that’s the picture above), I know that tomorrow evening I’ll still get a little bit of that ‘but what if?’ feeling.

    I’m lucky to have had amazing support from my new workplace, and I already know a few folks there, so it won’t feel as completely ‘brand new’ as some of my previous moves.

    I believe my childhood gave me the power to adapt (along with some unresolved trauma — yay). That ability has helped me read a room, sit back, and learn. Observation is a great tool — we just don’t always get the chance to use it.

    Lessons learned — especially if you can actually have a debrief — can help a lot. Knowing what went wrong AND what went right gives you such an advantage going into the next project.

    For personal change — journal. I started doing this as part of my therapy homework at the end of last year, and it’s been incredibly helpful. Going back and reading through some of the tough moments has shown me what helped and what didn’t.

    When you’re open, honest, and transparent — and you give people the chance to ask questions and be involved — it doesn’t just make change easier. It reminds everyone that they’re capable of moving through it.

  • White Knuckling the 9 to 5

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    The drive. The hustle.

    The badge of honour we place on how “busy” we are.

    I have worn that badge many times. I have burnt myself OUT multiple times, to my detriment.

    When I was younger I worked “harder”. Not always because I felt like I had to prove something, but because I was a single mother. I had another human depending on me.

    In a recent therapy session, we discussed the “white knuckling” of the “9-5”.

    I have been working on boundaries for a few years now. I have tendency to ALWAYS go above and beyond, all the while ignoring my own needs.

    Hyper focusing on the task in front of me.

    Demanding perfection and nothing less.

    Boundaries are helping me work smarter. Learning to say no when it matters is making a big difference.

    I can hear some of you now: “What about the client(s)? Do they not deserve our full attention and our best effort?”

    They absolutely do.

    Here’s the thing: If I overcommit myself, I am then attempting to “multitask”. This means I am not able to commit the time I need to each project. This means that I NOT giving the client(s) my best effort. This ensures that mistakes will be made.

    My therapist asked me this simple question when I described my need to overperform: “What if you tried softer? What would that look like for you?”

    That forced me to sit in something uncomfortable.

    My need to please overshadowed all. My worth has been tied up in how I am perceived.

    Trying softer for me means setting AND enforcing my boundaries. Those boundaries have consequences. They need to be reinforced.

    That may not sound “soft”. It IS however necessary.

    Every time I’ve pushed myself past what I can reasonably hold, the fallout has been predictable: rushed work, short patience and a version of myself that I don’t particularly like. There’s nothing noble about it. Nothing heroic.

    I’m learning to stop before I hit that point – not because I am “fragile” or I cannot “handle it”, but because I want to be present, thoughtful, and human in the places that matter.

    This means a win for everyone: my colleagues, clients, and family.

    For me, the days of working “harder” are shifting.

    I am honouring my actual capacity.

    It’s not glamourous, but it’s honest.

    I have “white-knuckled” my way through more workdays than I can count, believing that “grit” was the same thing as purpose.

    It never was, and that era is over.

    Midlife has given me the nerve to loosen my grip and walk toward something that feels like mine – not something I have survive.