The Midlife Reframe

Tag: Worth Living

  • A Chat With My Daughter

    Today I recorded a podcast with my daughter.

    We talked about her mental illness and her journey.

    She did great, and I was happy she was so willing to share that with me and so many others.

    As a parent, you always worry that you are doing things right. As a parent with mental illness, you second guess EVERYTHING you do. I am happy to say that I am pretty sure I raised a good egg.

    Now that she is doing better, she is more open to sharing her struggles. I am super proud of her for that.

    I hope you can take a few minutes out of your day to listen to our chat. It’s something I am very proud of!

  • Recharging The Soul

    I am very thankful for our trip to Cuba this year.

    It was beautiful. It was hot. It was eye opening.

    Being able to get away has been very good, for both the mind and the soul.

    Travelling with a mental illness isn’t always easy. I have a lot of anxiety beforehand.

    I know what you’re thinking: Everyone has some anxiety before they travel. Yes, I will concede to that.

    The problem I have is, I see these anxieties as monumental issues, and that bad things ARE GOING to happen.

    I think that WILL forget my passport, that I WILL get a personal item taken away from me, that I WILL be pulled aside in security and separated from my daughter, and the plane WILL have issues and we will have to do an emergency landing. I’ve already had to go to a doctor while outside of the country on a previous visit down south, so that is always in my brain.

    These are real to me.

    These things ARE going to happen, even though in reality I know they are not.

    I usually feel a bit calmer once we make it through security. Why I get nervous I don’t know, because I am not, in any way, carrying anything illegal.

    (Funny story: My daughter got pulled over when going through security for her backpack. When the woman opened the bag, she called over the young gentleman who flagged her bag. She pulled out the item in question, turned to him and said: “Hon, this is a book.” We had a good chuckle, but also glad that they do their jobs and leave nothing unchecked. Even if it is a book!)

    My anxiety lessens even more once we arrive at our intended destination.

    Then my anxiety about injuring myself sets in, lol.

    It’s a never ending circle really, but I always find a way to shift my mind away and find the time to relax.

    This vacation was just what I needed. I was able to process a lot of things and get back to where I want to be.

    I am a little more motivated, a little more happier, and a little more me.

    I need to make sure I make this happen again, even if it’s every two years.

    We need time to rejuvenate our souls, somewhere close, somewhere far. A place where we disconnect from the day to day and take the time to reconnect with ourselves (even if it means an hour in bed, an hour running/at the gym, or an hour in the shower/tub).

    Take the time to breathe.

    We need it.

  • We’re Doing Okay

    Things are going well.

    My daughter’s meds seem to be working.

    She is slowly beginning to come back into the outside world, and I am very grateful.

    At the end of this week, we are off to sun and sand for a much needed vacation.

    After this vacation it will be a slow return to the gym for my Buggie. Keeping her moving and motivated will be the next step to her feeling better.

    I am absolutely exhausted. Waiting to see if the medication was going to work has been stressful. I didn’t want her to have to start over again, so I had been impatiently waiting to see what the results would be.

    I can’t begin to imagine what was going through her head during this whole process.

    It will be up to her if she wants to share her experience at a later date. For now, we are riding this train and hoping for a steady journey.

    Speaking of sharing, I’ll be sharing our trip on Instagram starting next weekend. Feel free to check it out! https://instagram.com/scrmgin2thevoid?r=nametag

  • What I Wish You Knew

    In my darkest (and not so darkest) hours there are things I cannot say.

    It’s not because I physically can’t. It’s because I am afraid to. If they are spoken out loud they become real. If they stay inside they are only my demons to deal with.

    So, when I can’t say what I need to, this is what I wish you knew:

    • How hard it is to drag myself out of bed each morning
    • How much it hurts to move
    • That even though I’m smiling, I am probably empty inside
    • That I am not lazy
    • That I am not making excuses
    • That asking me how I am does not come across as you think it does
    • That I need help with almost everything
    • That making decisions can be debilitating
    • That washing my hair seems like a monumental task
    • That when I’m quiet, I’m hurting
    • That when I’m loud, I’m hurting
    • When I chew the skin around my nails, I am really really anxious
    • Sometimes it’s all just too much
    • That I am not mad at you
    • That I know you want to help, but I feel like such a tremendous burden
    • My anger and frustration is not directed at you
    • That I need time alone to decompress
    • My brain makes me think I’m a failure
    • Even when I try, and succeed, I feel guilty
    • When I say I need to go home, I do, badly
    • That being around crowds can be paralyzing
    • That hopelessness is always nipping at my heals
    • That medication doesn’t make it all go away
    • That I don’t feel brave, or strong
    • I’m crying because I am frustrated, not sad
    • How exhausting it is to just be
    • Fighting this is hard, so hard
    • That most days, all I want to do is sleep
    • How much I hate this

  • Brains of a Feather

    We’ve had a rough couple of months.

    My Buggie was just not feeling herself, no matter what we tried.

    She was struggling a lot, and had a hard time getting out of bed. She physically hurt, and had no motivation (she loves to clean, for real, and she has not had the urge to clean anything).

    Getting her to go out has been a struggle. She would be so uncomfortable. Our outings were short ones.

    She became obsessed with her hamster habitat (she kept sending me pictures and ads for bigger ones) and I could not derail her.

    (We didn’t get a bigger habitat- this hamster lives a life of luxury in a huge bin.)

    Things were just not good all around.

    Thankfully, I was able to get her in to see the doctor today. She now has a new medication added to her regimen and we are hoping this works for her. If not, we need to try a whole new medication.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed. Watching her go through this has been hard.

    Having been there myself, I could relate, but I couldn’t fix it. There’s nothing worse than not being able to fix what’s wrong with your child, no matter how old they are.

    So for now, we wait, and see if this new combo works.

    Please let it work.

  • Today I Encourage You

     

    I encourage you to talk about mental illness.

    I also encourage you to get involved.  To create change.

    Seek out an organization and give your time if  you can, or donate to a local organization that is helping those who cannot get the help they need.

    This day was created to make conversations.  We need to carry this movement into the year.

    We need change.

    We need action.

    We need to give hope to those who have none left.

    Having mental illness can be devastating.  It can be isolating.

    Reach out.  Be kind.

    Let’s talk…about creating change towards the misconceptions of mental illness.

  • Life as a Depression Ninja

    Depression Ninja?

    Yes.

    I’ve talked about how great of an actress I am. 99% of the time, you would never know that I suffer from a mental illness.

    I’m good at hiding it, and it can take it’s toll. Not only on me, but on those around me.

    That 1% of the time when I cannot hide it can be intense. When I lash out, push people away, and hide, I am at the breaking point.

    It’s a hard thing to break, this hiding my illness thing. People don’t understand how I can be sick, and still function, laugh, and get out of bed.

    I have to function. I have a job. I have rent and bills. I have a daughter who also suffers from a mental illness. I have sometimes forced myself to function for survival.

    When I was first diagnosed with depression I couldn’t function. It was awful. I slept lots, everything hurt, and I felt completely hopeless.

    I fight to not get to that point every day.

    I am thankful for my meds. They have lifted me out of the deep.

    They haven’t “cured” my mental illness, but they have helped me to stay relatively stable.

    So if I am awful towards you, (and you haven’t done anything to me), it’s not because I am an awful person. I’ve reached my breaking point, and I need help.

    A gentle nudge to say “hey, you’re not acting like yourself”, can be just what I need to open up. Sometimes I just need an ear, or a shoulder.

    This illness doesn’t go away.

    I’m a Depression Ninja for life.

  • Speaking in Public: Oh My Nerves

    This year I have two speaking engagements.

    My first one is at the end of this month, at Podcamp Halifax (held at Dalhousie University) and the other in May at the Worth Living Mental Health Conference here in Halifax (at the Atlanica Hotel.

    I have spoken in public before, and was a bundle of anxiety.

    For me, the difference from then until now is that I have become extremely passionate about sharing my journey.

    I will be authentic.

    I will be genuine.

    No smoke screen.

    No masks.

    Just me.

    I am not sure how I will be received, but I am anxious and excited (anxcited, lol).

    The message is important to me.

    I hope that sharing it with a live audience makes a difference.

    If I can make the connection with the audience, then my goal will be achieved.

    It’s time to get real, in the public realm.

  • Rearranging My Room, The Head Cold, and Why is My Cat Being an Asshole?

    I decided (on Boxing Day) that I needed to rearrange my room.

    It is only the second time I’ve done this since living in this apartment because my room is an L shaped room. It stresses me out to rearrange it.

    I really wanted to move my stuff from one end to the other, but then I wouldn’t be able to open my door. Sigh.

    So, my bed is against a side wall, facing my windows. Not sure if this will last. But my brain wanted change, so this is it for now.

    (If I make it more than a month, I’ll consider it a win. My anxiety will determine juuuuust how long it stays that way.)

    Day after Boxing Day: wake up with boogerhead. Do some shopping. Get home and sit down. The plague arrives.

    Not really what I wanted, especially with the Resolution Run coming up on January 1st.

    I pretty much lived in bed with sinus meds on the 28th. Today (the 29th), I am out of bed and downstairs (woooooo). Still congested, but not dying!

    During all of this, my oldest cat (Nala, pictured above) decided to become a gigantic asshole and meow through the night…in my room…on my bed. Sometimes she just sits by my dresser and meows at the wall.

    I am thinking she may not like my room rearranging. (It’s better than thinking my room is haunted.)

    It hasn’t helped with me getting my rest, and when she’s had enough, she just saunters out at around 3am to go downstairs to her bed.

    She is old. Maybe she’s just being cranky to change. Maybe she’s trying to tell me I was wrong to change my room around. What does she know that I don’t?

    Maybe I need to take more meds and have a nap, lol.

    I am going to win this cold war, one nose blow at a time.

    Not sure about the Nala war. She may win that one, lol.

    Stay tuned to see if my brain decides to rearrange my room, again.

  • As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

    One thing that my medication doesn’t shake: my want to sleep, ALL THE TIME.

    My depression likes sleep. I love sleep.

    This depression sleep is a whole different beast. It doesn’t like it when I want to get up and do anything productive, like work or running.

    This sleep can be intoxicating to my brain. It wraps itself around it and keeps it cozy. It lies and says that we really don’t HAVE to get up. We can call in sick. We can keep sleeping. We can run later.

    When this sleep takes over, it makes it hard to peel myself out out of bed.

    Bed becomes a sanctuary.

    Mornings become hard. Not even my bed coffee helps.

    I become a zombie walking through molasses.

    I can get through my day. It just takes a little longer to get up to my regular energy level.

    I find the darker months harder. My brain is up for hibernation, and my body is very willing to agree.

    The struggle IS real, yo.

    While many people CAN get out of bed with no issues, I can’t. Also, there are folks who can’t get enough sleep (which is a whole other evil).

    Each person with a mental illness is fighting their own sleep battle.

    We’re all fighting the dark.

    I just need to find my daylight.