The Midlife Reframe

Tag: Worth Living

  • Don’t Change

    Please, don’t change.

    You don’t need a “new you” for the New Year.

    Be unapologetically you. Every year.

    Do things FOR you, not because you “need to”, or “have-to-because-this-person-said-I-am-not-my-best-self”, but because you want to do it, for you.

    You are the Captain of your own ship. Everyone’s ship, and course, are different.

    Be kind to yourself. I know sometimes that it can be hard. We are our own worst critics.

    I know this: You are capable of great things.

    You are worthy of good things, even when you feel like you aren’t worthy of anything.

    You matter.

    You’re amazing, right now, just the way you are.

    Keep steady on your course, you beautiful human.

  • Good Days, Bad Days

    Sometimes it’s good hour, bad hour. Good minute, bad minute.

    I’ve been alternating my good days and bad days lately. I don’t know if it’s the early darkness or just the way things are right now.

    On my bad days I do what I can. If it means missing out on something I had plans on doing, then I miss out. I try to not feel guilty about it, because taking care of myself needs to be a priority.

    This is the struggle. Making myself a priority. Taking care of myself.

    It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and I had plans to run a 5k today. I slept for 11 hours and woke up not wanting to go outside. I was chewing the skin around my fingernails. I decided that it would be best to stay put and work on my anxiety.

    I completed a lapghan and started some other crochet projects to keep my nervous energy under control. I knew that a run would not help me today. I would have questioned every step, every breath. I would have ended up coming back early or hurting myself because I wasn’t paying attention.

    (We did go outside today, to go to my parents for supper.)

    Do I feel bad I didn’t get out for a run? Yes.

    Will I obsess about it? Maybe.

    The thing is, I took care of myself today.

    That is what is important.

    That is what I need to remember.

    We’ll see if I can.

  • I’m Still Here

    I’m still medicated.

    I’m still fighting.

    Things have been hectic lately. Work has been absolutely overwhelming. Life is all over thr place.

    I was out yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. This is the earliest I have started it. I am feeling pretty good about having it started. It has made it easier on my anxiety. I am usually the last minute shopper mid-late December.

    I will still have my fancy Christmas anxiety, just hopefully not as much.

    Medication news: I am now on birth control for my peri menopause, because my body is all out of control with the hormonal stuff. This wreaks more havoc on my body, but is necessary for now.

    So I am medicated, and hormonal. THIS IS GREAT GUYS.

    Just trying to make it through the rest of the year without having some sort of meltdown.

    So far, I am keeping my head above water, although if I could hibernate for three days I would think I would feel a bit more centred.

    Feeling off balance equals feeling a loss of control, and I don’t function well when that happens.

    I am taking the early Christmas shopping as a win, and will trudge on with work. Will need to use my apps for meditation more often so I don’t do the downward spiral.

    I really need to up my water game too. I haven’t been consistent with that. Time to take the Hydro Flask back to work.

    On that note (because I am certain I am about to start rambling) I will leave you with this: remember to take care of yourself, because you matter too.

  • This is Not a Competition

    Everyone who has a mental illness suffers.

    Everyone who has a mental illness has good days and bad. Some will have more bad than good.

    But one thing that really bothers me is how some people, when being open and honest about where they are in their journey, attract those who seem to think it is required to turn it into a competition.

    Bad days/months/years are different for everyone.

    It should not matter if your experience is different, or maybe even worse than someone else’s.

    What matters is that we are all suffering, and we should have compassion for our fellow human suffering just as we are.

    There are days that I am just barely making it through the day, and I’ll see someone struggling as well on social media. If I can I’ll reach out and offer some support.

    It’s easy to hop into the pile of “misery loves company” and try to commiserate. I’ve done that as well.

    But to go “Oh yeah, well I *insert awful time here* so *insert the it is worse than* part here”, is just not helping anyone.

    I know it’s tempting. I know we’ve all done it when we’ve been upset. Suffering sucks, and when you are in that dark hole it is not always easy to get back out.

    If you can, try and reach out. I know sometimes it feels like someone may go on and on (I sometimes feel like I am going on and on). When you’re suffering, time is a constant. Just one person offering some kind words can make a big difference.

    We’re all trying to get through this life in one piece.

    Let’s try and give it a little more compassion and understanding.

  • Keeping it Real

    This is Mental Illness Awareness Week, and I decided that every day, on my personal Facebook page, I would write something about my experience with mental illness.

    I did my “hey this is what I am doing” post on Sunday night.

    I did “hey here are my meds” on Monday.

    Today (Tuesday), well today was a rough day. One of those “it hurts to move and I don’t want to face the world” kind of days.

    So, when I picked myself up out of bed I contemplated whether or not I would share it.

    It took me until I got on the bus to be able to form a post that expressed how my day was going to be.

    I don’t have these kind of days that often, now that I am medicated. But they still sneak in there.

    I had told myself long ago that if I was going to be open about my mental illness that I had to share the good and the bad.

    This felt/feels different. Sharing my experiences on my own personal Facebook page opens me up to everyone.

    Being vulnerable and having such an outpouring of support does make the fight a bit easier….until I dig deep and my brain says “Hey, nice going attention whore.” Then I want to crawl back into a hole and stay there forever.

    I have to remind myself that sharing the things I do is not an attention grab. I am sharing my journey, my good and my bad. Today was bad. Tomorrow may be a better day.

    I keep telling myself this: People won’t know how hard it is to fight a mental illness if you don’t keep it real.

    So, I’ll keep sharing. Sharing what is real in my life, and in my fight with a mental illness.

  • Body Image & Mental Illness

    (This post is about MY experience/struggle with body image and depression/anxiety.)

    See this picture?

    I posted it last week on my Facebook page.

    I have a love hate relationship with this photo, because the thing I see first, is my back bulges from the racer back running bra I am wearing.

    At first, I didn’t see the strong, resilient woman running to bring awareness to mental illness. It took me a day to make peace with this photograph, and to see the strong, resilient woman in it.

    I am now 47 with peri menopause staring me down.  My hormones are out of whack.  My body is changing and I am trying to find the magic solution (haha) to keep myself healthy (I am totally eating a slice of pizza as I write this) and to continue to feel good about myself.

    This is hard with a brain that chemically wants you to be miserable.  Really hard. It’s a fight both physically and mentally.  I can handle dealing with one, but dealing with both at the same time can be extremely overwhelming.

    I’ve struggled with body image before.  This isn’t my first time on the roller coaster.

    I was a personal trainer for a short period of time.  I know what needs to be done to get myself in the “feeling good” zone again.

    I just can’t get into a corner of the ring to take a few minutes to strategize my fight.

    Do I need to be “Skinny?”

    NO.

    Do I need to be healthy?

    YES.

    This is what I have made my peace with: I no longer care about “skinny”.  I can’t.  My brain will latch onto that and I will be back to bending over in the mirror to see how many rolls I have, start planning out my “fasting” moments, and I end up being skinny and NOT HEALTHY.  I’ve been skinny and not healthy quite a few times.  I’ve also been skinny and mentally ill AND not healthy.

    I need to be happy in the body I currently occupy.

    So, running will continue to happen (because it’s a great outlet for me), and I am starting another yoga practice in October for my mind as well as my body.  If I can keep this up for the month, then I can make it a healthy habit.

    Now, FOOD.  I love food, and I do not deprive myself of it.  At all.  I am choosing healthier options, but if I am craving some pizza, I  have some pizza (see earlier paragraph – I am eating some pizza…right now).  Food is fuel, and I need healthy fuel for my body.  But I also realize that I can indulge and it’s not BAD.  I no longer punish myself for eating.  Food is not a punishment or a reward for me.

    I think there is too much focus on weight loss and being “skinny”.  I think we need to encourage each other to start working towards feeling healthy, energized, and happy.  We all occupy a body that was made just for us.  We need to celebrate that.  I need to celebrate that.

    It’s time to get back to the folks that encourage me to work towards a happy, healthy me, no matter what size that is.

    Step 1: Moving every day is now a priority for me, whether it’s a run, a walk, or some yoga.  Just getting out and moving.  Clearing my mind and getting the heart rate up.

    Step 2: I am working towards healthy.

    In this body.

    Because it’s amazing.

    (Step 3: Let’s hope my brain comes around and stops being a jerk, eh?)

  • And I Ran

    Last weekend was Maritime Race Weekend, and my birthday (wooohooo!).

    I had signed up for this race (the Tartan Twosome: one race Friday night, one race Saturday morning) when I was jacked up on endorphins from another race. I figured, what would be an awesome way to welcome 47!

    It has one of the best atmospheres and some wicked scenery.

    (I’ve run this race before, and I’ve volunteered for it as well.)

    The weather was AMAZING. Perfect running weather both days!

    It’s been a bit since I’ve run on a regular basis. I went into the weekend ready to run for the pure joy of it.

    I. Had. A. Blast.

    The 5km Sunset Run is probably one of my favs. So many folks are dressed for the occasion (it’s a pirate themed weekend), and I also love seeing all the kids participating with their parents as well. (Also, I had the chance to meet up with my fellow Worth Living Run Ambassador Co-Lead Shannon Lelievre beforehand, which is always awesome!! We also had Charlotte Flewelling, another ambassador, running in the races that weekend as well.)

    Saturday Morning was the Coastal 10k for me. I haven’t done this distance for this race weekend before, but I remember someone saying something about a hill. It came early on, and I got a bit of the way up before I decided to walk it, along with quite a few others, lol. I loved, loved, loved the view along the ocean. I high fived as many kids as I could, stopped at every water stop, and had a great time!

    This is one race weekend I would recommend to any runner. There is a big after party, which also includes pirate fun for the kiddos.

    Also, the medals are amazing.

    I am already planning to run this race weekend again next year 😊

  • We’ve Got a New Drug

    Well, the me of we doesn’t.

    The V of we does.

    She is on a weaning off plan this week, with her new drug (Fetzima) to be started after that.

    She follows up with the doc in a month.

    This drug can be increased up to 120mg if need be.

    Fingers are crossed for this one.

    Maybe toes too.

    Better to have that little extra crossed for good measure!

    (Side Note: We saw the doc the day before Hurricane Dorian made its way to our part of the world. Thankfully we made it through unscathed on our little street. There is a lot of damage in certain areas of our city, but we fared well. Cleanup is underway and the power company is working to get everyone back on the grid as quickly as they can.)

  • Following My Path

    After unpacking some of my shit, it was time to forge a new path.

    (I am not done unpacking all my shit. Far from it.)

    I need to start following my own path. For years I have been following someone else’s path, or the path that I thought was expected of me.

    I am still trying to navigate my new path. It’s going to be rough some days, but I am really looking forward to moving ahead, instead of looking back.

    I am learning many things about myself, and I am keeping an open mind when things don’t go the way I hoped they would.

    I am continuing to embrace my mental illness (even on the bad days), and coming to terms with how it is a part of me, but yet doesn’t define me as a human.

    I am slowly making changes in my life, and it feels good.

    So if you see me feeling lost, or putting myself down, give me a poke and remind me: you are moving forward.

    Moving. Forward.

  • Unpacking My Shit: Plant Style

    So one of the things that has come from the unpacking of the shit has been how uncomfortable my apartment has been feeling (you know, besides the messy depression mess that seems to never go away, bastard).

    I have plants in my temporary office space, and I realized just how much more comfortable it feels having some green life around .

    I have now been on a mission to green up my place.

    Note: it can be expensive to buy bigger plants so I have been buying a lot of babies.

    In true mental illness fashion, I need all the plants and do all the research which equals obsessed, but I see this as a good obsession.

    I am starting to feel more comfortable and have new friends to take care of…..and keep alive.

    Also, it is hard to stay off of plant ordering websites: don’t…. look…. at….. them…. Amy.

    Let’s hope I don’t kill these new friends.

    (Thank goodness for plant apps with info and watering reminders!!)

    So, expect the odd obsessive plant post as I start my journey as a plant mom 😊

    Yay plants!

    Plaaaaaaaaaaaants.