The Midlife Reframe

Tag: runner

  • I Was Afraid

    So let’s just dive in.

    One of the things that I am afraid of, when I go on my medication, is that I am going to “lose myself”.

    It’s part of how my brain tries to trick me into thinking I don’t need the medication.

    In the back of mind I KNOW it won’t turn me into someone else, but there is that part of me, of my brain, that grasps tightly onto self preservation.

    It has taken me years to become comfortable with who I am, and who I have become. I don’t want to lose that.

    Since I was self aware of my mental health and it’s decline this time, I had to keep telling myself that the medication will not change who I AM, it is changing the chemicals in my brain so I can be myself.

    There is still a chance that I will require something else for my anxiety, and I am okay with that. That component of my illness is still a tad ramped. If I need to have a combination of medication, then so be it.

    There is NOTHING shameful about needing medication. I cannot express that enough.

    I am making sure I move. I am making sure I have human contact (outside of work). I am taking time for me.

    I am still weird.

    I am still awkward.

    I am still wickedly awesome.

    Rock on my fellow weirdos.

    Rock on.

    @crazymamaruns

  • My Brain, The Jerk

    So, here we are.

    I am 5 days into my dosage upgrade.

    It’s been dizzy and sleepy.

    I can say now that those side effects are slowly retreating, and I am finding it a little easier to get out of bed in the morning.

    I am still chewing the sides of my fingernails, although not as much. Still gross.

    I am thankful for those people around me who have not treated me any different than before I announced I was back on medication to stop going down the rabbit hole (again).

    Saying, and acknowledging, that I need help is a very vulnerable moment.

    The days after that are hard. I feel defeated, and tired. The meds are working on my brain chemistry and I am trying to fight the lie machine that lives inside my head.

    It likes to tell me that I deserve to have people pull away. It reminds me of all the awful things that have happened in my life and tells me it was my fault. It will tell me that everyone is talking shit about me when I’m not around.

    I become even more guarded. I will push people away.

    I will doubt every decision. I will doubt my own capabilities.

    I will overdo things because I think I need to make up for my “deficiency”.

    I will be awkward.

    I will be full of insecurity.

    Knowing that I will get better is not always the ray of light it should be.

    Each day is tackled one at a time.

    I will get through this, even though my brain will tell me otherwise.

    This inner war is exhausting.

    I just need a little patience, and understanding.

    I am doing okay, and I will keep moving forward.

    You can go and suck it, jerk brain.

    @crazymamaruns

  • My Life as a Single Mom: The Mom Brain

    A Mom and her TeenThing

    I can probably get a shirt that says “Permanent Mom Brain”.

    Working, raising a child, avoiding the rabbit hole of depression, and trying to fit in my running/fitness takes up most of my time.  The blog has suffered a little bit lately because of this juggling act.

    I have had many ideas for posts.  I have sat down to write a draft so I could have it saved and get back to it.  DISTRACTION.  No writing.

    Let’s be real, this applies to my life in general.  I have, over the years, gone from one room to the other with full intention of “doing the thing”.  Insert phone call, child, other random thought, on my way to the other room.  I’ve lost the whole “doing the thing”.

    Why was I walking into this room?

    What was so important that I had to come here?

    What’s my name?

    WHO AM I ANYWAY?

    You’d think keeping physically active would magically sort everything out.

    NO.

    I can think I have my shit sorted out on a run.  All of life’s problems are solved (hahahaha) during this time by myself.

    I’ll get home and forget about 80% of my solutions.

    (This is so much worse on my “bad days”.  On those days, I am just happy I remember to put on pants.)

    Then people say “put it in your phone”.

    I’ve tried, but the red circles distract me and I automatically check out my notifications.

    GOLDFISH.

    I’m pretty sure it has gotten worse over the past few years (thank you hormones).

    I even went and bought paper agendas.  I have an agenda for regular life, and one for my running life.

    I was like:  “Hell Yeah!  Look out world I am coming for you!!  Take that Mom Brain!”

    But let’s be honest, I still can’t remember to write half of my shit down.

    So, I’ll just continue to wander through my life, content in knowing that at some point, I’ll know why I went into the other room AND what I am going to do there.

    @crazymamaruns